A Beautiful Struggle

by Lilliana Anderson

  When I arrived at work on Wednesday morning, I couldn’t help but smirk when I saw Bianca’s surprised face. She probably expected that I would have been fired for what happened with Elliot on Friday night.

  I had kept to myself on Monday after leaving Priya’s office, preferring to take my morning tea break at my desk, so I could avoid any questions. I missed them all again at lunch as I met up with David again. He was still behaving a bit off so I kept the conversation steered away from Elliot.

  Tuesday was spent studying with David, as our uni exams were coming up soon. Spending time together was really helping to ease the tension between us; that was until Elliot called me at lunch time. I took the call in another room and kept the conversation brief, but David’s demeanour had changed when I returned, and the study session ended very soon after.

  I had hoped that by Wednesday, the interest at work in Elliot’s and my relationship status had died down enough not to cause me any drama. I was about to find out as I ventured out of the library to take the new law magazine, and some sorted microfiche to Elliot.

  I walked confidently over to his office determined to behave as professionally as possible. Waiving ‘hi’ to Beth, I showed her that I was just taking some things into Elliot’s office. She nodded at me but didn’t smile in return.

  His door open, I tapped on the door frame and waited for him to notice me. Elliot was seated behind his desk, talking on the phone. During a pause in his side of the conversation he smiled, mouthing ‘hi' and gesturing me inside. I marvelled that a simple smile from him could send my stomach excitedly flipping around inside my body.

  I held up the items I had brought to him, and he pointed to his 'in' tray. I placed them there, and Elliot held up his hand signalling for me to wait while he continued talking and scribbled something down on a post-it note for me. Star City Sports Bar 6:30pm? I nodded before folding it and tucking it inside my pocket.

  As I walked back Carl was wheeling a heavily laden filing trolley down the hallway, “Hey!” he said brightly when he saw me.

  “Hi Carl,” I smiled and stopped next to him.

  “Well aren’t you the topic of the week? I was inside on Friday night so I missed the show. I heard it was hot though,” he said, winking at me.

  I flushed a little and had to stop a smile from curling up the side of my lips, “I don’t know what you’re talking about Carl.”

  “Hmm, that’s what they all say. Just watch yourself, ok. I’ve been privy to some pretty bitchy conversations – I don’t think the other girls are taking it very well,” he said the last part in a low exaggerated voice behind his hand.

  I smiled and placed a friendly hand on his arm, “Thanks for letting me know.”

  I patted him on the back and returned to my desk where my internal line was ringing. “Hello Library, Katrina speaking.”

  “Hey, sorry I was on the phone,” Elliot’s baritone rumbled through the line caressing me places it shouldn’t be over the phone.

  “Don’t sweat it, we can’t talk here anyway. I think we’re being watched fairly closely right now.”

  “Probably…You look hot today by the way,” he whispered into the receiver.

  I blushed and lowered my voice to a murmur, “Thank you. You're not so bad yourself.”

  I could practically hear him smiling, “Are you running today?”

  “I am - I’ll meet you there?”

  “Sure, same place as last time.”

  We disconnected, and I worked through until morning tea time. I have to admit that after talking to Carl, I was nervous about facing everyone.

  When I entered the break room, there were a few murmurs and stares as I lined up to get my coffee. I nodded hi to Kayley, who was already seated and smiling at me as I walked over with my drink in hand. Bianca took the opportunity to blatantly knock into me, spilling my coffee on my skirt. I bit back a retort, choosing to ignore her behaviour as I grabbed some paper towel and cleaned myself as best as I could. I was thankful that I’d had the foresight to wear dark colours.

  I sat down with Kayley, Albina and Anne. “Wow, I feel like I’m back at high school,” I laughed uneasily.

  Albina raised her eyebrows and said to me, “Well you are public enemy number one at the moment. Bianca, and Beth are on a rampage.”

  Anne leaned in to talk quietly, “You should have heard Bianca yesterday. She was telling everyone that she got you fired.”

  “Well as you can see she didn’t,” I said. “Listen, nothing’s going on and there’s nothing to talk about, Biancas obviously trying to cause problems.”

  “Kayley and Connor saw you too, so don’t deny it,” added Albina.

  “You know what, I was drinking. I don’t really know what I saw,” said Kayley.

  I smiled gratefully at her and sighed, “I don’t know why everyone’s making a big deal out of it. I have known the guy for a week.”

  “Yeah and in that week you dry humped him on a wharf,” said Albina.

  I really didn’t think that anything I said was going to convince them there was nothing between Elliot and I, so I stood to take what was left of my coffee to my desk instead. As I was leaving, I overheard Bianca saying, “Maybe he’s into boys, and that’s why.” I spun around to give Bianca a piece of my mind as the others she was sitting with sniggered at her comment. I opened my mouth to speak, but she got there first, “Are you going to go and cut yourself now?”

  The hatred I felt for her at that moment could be heard crackling through the air – in my mind, I was pouncing on her like an animal, clawing at her face and pulling out her hair; but in reality, I shut my mouth and spun on my heel not gullible enough to start something in front of everyone.

  My face burned hot with humiliation as I put a call through to Elliot, he picked up on the second ring. “Elliot Roberts.”

  “Hey, it’s me.”

  “Hey you, what’s up?”

  “I really don’t think we should train together.”

  “What? Why?”

  “Everyone in the break room was on my back about Friday. I think it would be a mistake to be seen together anywhere.”

  “Are you backing out on me?”

  I sighed, not really knowing what I was doing, “I don’t know, can we just cool it for a bit please? I have all this animosity directed at me right now, and I need to take a step back.”

  He was silent for a moment, “For how long?”

  “I don’t know, a week - or until this all dies down? I just … can we cool it for now, please?” I pleaded.

  I could hear him sigh as his chair creaked over the phone. I imagined that he was leaning back running his hand through his hair. “Fine. I have to go,” he disconnected.

  I looked at the phone with a pain in my chest as I debated whether I was making the right decision by pulling back.

  ***

  “I think you’re making the right decision,” David said at lunch. I had decided to skip my run altogether and called him to meet me at the food court in Sydney Tower instead. “Maybe get to know the guy a little more before you enter some kind of secret relationship with him. If he’s that into you, then he’ll wait til you’re more comfortable to move forward.”

  “I just felt awful being the subject of office gossip and that Bianca; I know I get along better with guys but I don’t think I have ever hated another girl until now.”

  “Maybe she just needs a good hard screw to make her happy? I could do that for you Trina, I could take the fall on that one – she may be a bitch but she’s hot.”

  “And probably a bunny boiler! Do you really want that in your life?”

  “If it takes her focus off you,” he shrugged.

  “Are you serious? You actually like her?” I was a little taken aback.

  “Relax Trina, I’m just ribbing you. I’m not going to touch her. Although, maybe you should look for another job?”

  “No, I don’t want another job - Turner, Barlow & Smith is a great law firm. I’d rather
stick it out and become a partner there so I can squash all my enemies like bugs!” I mashed my hands together to add emphasis to my words, as David watched with amusement playing on his lips.

  Picking up my drink, I took a thoughtful sip. “I’m just going to take morning tea to my desk from now on. I need to avoid socialising,” I decided.

  “That’s no fun! I was going to crash your drinks again this Friday.”

  “Not this week I’m afraid, I just want to lay low for a while.”

  “Alright, well do you want to grab some dinner and go out afterwards we can go clubbing if you want and I promise not to pick up any girls while we’re out.”

  “That’ll be a challenge, but it sounds good,” checking the time on my watch, I stood up. “I need to get back to work.” I told him as I lifted my tray to empty it into the nearest bin.

  David followed suit, “Yeah me too, back to the ole grind hey,” he leaned toward me and kissed my cheek goodbye, “I’ll see you at the library to study tomorrow?” I nodded, “And don’t worry about the shit at work. It'll all blow over. Someone else will get caught making out before you know it.” He gave me a cheeky grin and winked, lifting his hand in a wave as he walked away.

  Elliot was waiting for the lift when I returned from lunch, he had obviously returned from his workout as he was in his running gear, and his hair was wet with sweat.

  “Hey,” I said moving to stand next to him. “How was your run?”

  “A little quiet,” he said with a half-smile and down cast eyes.

  I looked around and couldn’t see anyone that I knew from our office in the group waiting or walking in the lobby, so I inclined my head towards the door leading to the stairwell.

  “You want to walk with me?”

  He nodded and walked over to hold the door open for me to walk through. I noticed him having one last look around before he followed me in.

  We ascended the first two flights in silence before I began to talk. “Listen. I know I kind of freaked out today, but you have to understand how I’m being treated right now. It’s like they think I’ve come in and cast some spell to steal another girl’s boyfriend or something. You know? Like I purposely chose the guy they have been crushing on and cut their grass… Am I making sense?” I stopped on the landing and turned to face him.

  “You are - but they aren’t. I have been working here for a couple of years now, and I don’t think I have given any of them reason to think I was interested in them. I’ve always kept my distance,” he explained with his hands on his hips.

  “Well we have to keep it that way for now, at least until all of this gossip dies down. It’s not affecting you because, well, because you’re you – they consider you the prize. I’m seen as the competition and I even got coffee spilt on me this morning because of it.”

  “What?!" he said incredulously, scanning my clothing.

  “It’s fine. You can’t see it,” I waved him off, “I just can’t be seen with you right now.”

  Elliot let out a huff and shifted on his feet, “Listen. I am one hundred percent in agreement that we have behave professionally in the office. But I don’t see why we can’t still at least train together at lunch time. I have never seen one of those girls on the running track or in the gym, and last I checked there’s no policy against exercising with a co-worker of the opposite sex.

  “It was great training with you last week Katrina, and if you will at least continue to do that with me then we can get to know each other a little better and see where this all takes us.”

  “I don’t know Elliot; I think our hormones might be clouding our judgement here a bit.”

  “Well, I know they’re clouding mine,” he said stepping closer to me and lowering his voice, “the whole time you’ve been talking to me, I can’t stop thinking about having those long legs of yours wrapped around my waist again.” His closeness was intoxicating as I breathed him in; his body scent mixed with his deodorant was earthy and raw. I closed my eyes and forced myself to push away from him, placing my hand on his chest to stop him moving closer to me.

  “Fine, I’ll train with you,” my voice came out embarrassingly breathy, and I could see his eyes darken with arousal. “But this,” I gestured between us, “this attraction between us, needs to be kept in check for now. We can’t go around stealing kisses from each other when we think no one’s watching. That’s not why I brought you in here.”

  He stepped away and let out a slow breath, running his hands through his hair, scratching the back of his head.

  “Ok, it’s a deal,” he said.

  “Well then I will see you at the gym on Friday?” He nodded in reply. “Wait here and I’ll go ahead. We don’t need to be seen coming out of the stairwell together. They'll have a field day with that.”

  Chapter 10

  Over the next few weeks things did calm down at work, I didn’t go back to Friday night drinks and tried to spend as little time in the break room as possible, opting to leave the library five minutes early to make my coffee and bring it to my desk to drink while I surfed the net or called David or my mum for a chat. Kayley would stop in on her way back from the kitchen each day but said that she understood why I wanted to stay away for the moment. She was just disappointed as she liked having me around.

  Training was going well. I was getting to know Elliot better; I learned that he was 25 and that his parents were divorced. He went into law because his father was a barrister, so he had a lot to live up to and felt fairly pressured by him to be as successful, if not more.

  His mother didn’t work, she lived in Parramatta with her new husband while Elliot lived in his Dad’s flat in Bondi. His father had moved in with his fiancé but continued to pay Elliot’s housing costs. Actually, his dad paid for everything.

  I found that amazing because my brother, and I paid board to continue living in our childhood home the moment we started working – I couldn’t imagine having a credit card attached to my parent’s account to use freely.

  I also came to learn that he used to be a really chubby kid all the way through to his mid-teens. But when he started kayaking, he dropped the extra kilograms. All of a sudden, he got attention from girls and didn’t really know how to deal with it. So he learned how to become indifferent to keep them at an arm’s length, only choosing to date a handful of girls.

  “You don’t even know how hot you are, do you?” I asked him one day while we were out running.

  “I know how hot you are,” he replied with a devilish grin before changing the subject, “When are you going to let me take you out?”

  “Soon,” was all I gave him. “Hey, did you know our mothers know each other?”

  “I did.”

  “You did?! Hmmm, it’s a small world isn’t it?”

  “Sure is.”

  “Elliot?”

  “Yes?”

  “You didn’t tell your mother anything about what’s going on with us did you?”

  “What is going on with us Katrina?” he asked seriously.

  “Well, just that we’re hanging out – training, you know, getting to know each other,” I replied, squirming a little under his gaze.

  “Yes, I have told her about you.”

  “Oh, did she say if she spoke to my mum about it? I only ask because I haven’t told my mum anything yet and well, she gets a little… too involved, in my personal life sometimes.”

  “No she hasn’t said that she spoke to your mum, but she did tell me to be gentle with you and not to break your heart.”

  “Ok…Why? Do you make it a habit to go around breaking girl's hearts?”

  “No, I don’t actually – I thought it might have something to do with you, specifically.”

  And then it dawned on me, “Oh god; she has been talking to my mother, and my mother has been telling her my business!” I stopped running and flopped down dramatically on the grass next to the path.

  Elliot stood over me, blocking the sunlight, “Is there something you want to tell
me?”

  “I really don’t want to talk about it to anyone Elliot, but I think it’s best if you hear this all from me instead of through the grapevine of our mothers.”

  He came and sat down next to me, “I’m all ears.”

  I took a deep breath, “What your mother was talking about – what my mother told her has to do with my scars. There’s a bit more to the story than what I’ve already told you.” I sat up and hugged my knees to my chest as Elliot sat quietly beside me listening. “I was in a pretty serious relationship not all that long ago. His name was Christopher, and he was a fair bit older than me. Things got serious pretty quickly and next thing I knew we were living together. I knew I was too young, but I figured why wait. My parents were very supportive – especially my mother; she absolutely adored him.

  “He had always had a bit of a problem with my friendship with David, and I thought it was just a bit of jealousy and that eventually, for my sake, they would learn to get along. I had hoped Christopher would see that what David and I had was purely platonic.

  “After we had been living together for a month David and Christopher had an argument, after which, Christopher refused to allow David back into our apartment. We fought about it and I told him that David was my best friend, and that I wouldn’t be giving him up.

  “Things started to go from bad to worse and Christopher would go on rages whenever he saw me talking to another guy, which was hard for me because I’ve always spent so much time around guys when I’m training and racing.

  “On the night I left him, David was over watching a movie with me. Christopher was supposed to be at work, so we thought it would all be safe, and I could spend some quality time with my friend. Well, as you can probably guess, Christopher came home from work early and lost his mind. He was a really big strong guy, and he walked straight over, punched David in the face, picked him up like a rag doll and threw him out of the door and into the hallway.

  “He then turned his wrath on me, he told me that I was nothing but a common gutter slut, and that I couldn’t be trusted. He grabbed me by the back of my hair and ran with me, slamming me through the glass sliding door, which is how I got all of my scars.