A Beautiful Struggle

by Lilliana Anderson

  “I just want you to think about this seriously Trina. Before you were saying you didn’t want a relationship, and that it was all happening too fast. Now you’re talking about risking your job for a guy you’ve only known a week – You’re flip flopping,” he crossed his arms over his chest and put his feet on the seat across from him, doing exactly what the sign above his head told him not to do.

  “I know what I’m doing David,” I assured him.

  “Well, I’m glad you know,” he mumbled as he chewed on his thumb nail and stared out the window. I watched him for a moment as he only chewed his nails when he was agitated about something. He turned and met my eyes, and I knew from his look that then wasn’t the time to talk to him.

  Instead, I turned to Carmen, and we talked easily the rest of the way home with David only entering the conversation occasionally when Carmen asked him a direct question.

  When the train pulled into Penrith Station David walked us both over the bridge and to my car.

  “Will you come over tomorrow?” I asked him before he left.

  He leaned forward and kissed me roughly on the cheek, “Sure,” he said and raised his hand to say goodbye to Carmen. “It was nice to meet you,” he told her.

  “You too,” she said quietly. “Is there something going on between you two?” she asked as she got into the car, “I mean, did you use to date or something?”

  I started the car as soon as I saw David get inside his own. “No. We have never dated and there is nothing going on. He’s just … protective of me; we’ve been through a lot together... as friends.”

  The explanation placated her, so she didn’t ask any more questions, instead making small talk as she directed me towards her house. She thanked me for the lift as she got out of the car.

  “You’re more than welcome,” I replied, “It was nice to get to know you tonight.”

  “Same to you and good luck with Elliot - it’s nice to see him smiling,” she said as she shut the door and waved to me before walking up the path that led to her door.

  I watched until I saw her step inside her house. I put the car into drive and said to myself, “Luck huh? I think I’m going to need it.”

  Chapter 8

  “Katrina! Wake up!” my mother called as she shook me from my sleep. Startled, I looked at her worried that something terrible had happened. “You were moaning and whimpering in your sleep! I could hear you from the kitchen,” she told me, her face was full of concern. “It sounded like you were having a nightmare.”

  Pieces of the dream came floating back to me and the throbbing between legs told me that my dream wasn’t scary at all. I sat up awkwardly and cleared my throat, “Mum, I’m fine… I don’t even remember what it was.”

  “Oh look at you, you're all flushed,” she attempted to reach out and smooth my hair like she always had when she thought I was upset. Moving my head to the side, I caught her hand and patted it reassuringly.

  “Seriously mum I’m fine… thanks for worrying about me though.”

  “Ok, well – as long as you’re sure….I’ll let you get dressed then,” she offered as she stood up and backed out of the room, “I was thinking of making eggs, do you want some or are you training first?”

  “I’ll train first,” she nodded and shut my door on her way out.

  I put my hands to my head as I lay back down on my bed remembering the dream I was having. I could see it clearly now - Elliot was settled in between my thighs lapping away like a pro; it felt incredibly real! I can’t believe I was moaning so loud my mother heard me!

  My face felt like it was on fire from both the dream and the embarrassment - I would have to remember to lock my door in the future.

  I shifted a little in my bed. My clit was aching badly from the effects of the dream, it seemed a shame to waste such intense arousal – I bit my lip in daring, feeling pretty safe that my mother wasn’t going to return any time soon, and decided to finish what my dream had started.

  Closing my eyes, I slid my hand inside my pyjama bottoms and into my panties. I was so aroused that my body flinched involuntarily as my finger touched my sensitive spot and made its way between my sleek wet folds. I let out a silent moan as I reached two fingers inside and massaged my inner walls allowing the palm of my hand to press against my engorged clit. Sheathed in my wetness, my fingers moved like they were gliding over silk as I gently teased my own nub. Exploding in seconds, my core shattered into a million pieces, floating around me euphorically.

  Afterward, I lay there breathing for a moment, my clit pulsing beneath my finger, thinking of nothing but him.

  ***

  Grabbing an apple to eat before I started training I went and hitched my bike up to the back of my car. I wanted to go and visit Penrith lakes and ride around there for a couple of hours.

  “Hey, where you going?” David asked as he walked up behind me, “I thought you wanted me to come around?”

  “I did but I wasn’t expecting you so early,” I told him glancing at my watch. “It’s eight fifteen; you're never out of bed at this time on a Saturday.”

  “I’ve got a lot on my mind,” he said looking at his feet as he scuffed them on the driveway.

  “Why don’t you come for a ride with me, that way we can talk,” I offered, wanting to clear the air between us.

  “Sure, I’ll just run home and change. Meet me there?” I nodded as he trotted off.

  David only lived a couple of streets away from me. It was part of the reason we became such good friends during school. We lived at the far end of the bus route to school, so we got used to talking to each other and eventually started hanging out more often until we were inseparable.

  I finished hooking up my push bike and went inside to get my helmet and bag. Dropping them onto the back seat, I got in my car and drove around to David’s house. He had opened his garage knowing that I would load his bike for him while he changed.

  I was tightening the bolt on the bike rack when he emerged from his house carrying his helmet and a water bottle. He walked over to the garage and pulled the door down before we got into the car and drove out to the Lakes.

  We didn’t really speak on the way. We just listened to the cd playing – he drummed his fingers to the beat, and I sang along to Lana Del Ray’s Off to the Races. I snuck a glance at him every now and then, but I knew him well enough to know that he would talk to me when he was ready.

  We got our bikes sorted out as soon as we arrived, and set off along the path to lap the lake for the next two hours. There were a few rowers training on the water and a coach cycling up and down the far side giving them instructions through a mega phone. I didn’t speak, preferring to enjoy the scenery while I waited for David to get things straight in his head. That took almost half an hour.

  “I wanted to talk to you about this thing you have with Elliot,” he ventured.

  “Alright, talk away.”

  “I just… can we stop for a minute?” he stopped his bike not waiting for an answer, and I followed suit. We both unclipped our shoes and wheeled our bikes off the track and sat down on the ground. He sat with his knees up as he pulled at the grass between his feet, breaking the blades up and letting them fall as he stared out at the water. “Are you sure having a secret relationship is a good thing?”

  “It’s not really that much of a secret - you know about it, and Carmen and Andrew know about it – so does half the office now, after witnessing us outside Pontoon; but we can play that off as drunken stupidity, I guess...” I let my words hang in the air as I focused on boats rowing past us and turned to watch their coach cycle past.

  He let out a heavy sigh, “I’m just worried about you. I mean, how much do you really know about this guy?"

  “I know that we get along really well, and that we’re attracted to each other... I just… I don’t know; I feel connected to him. Which is strange for me because I didn’t think I’d want anyone for a long time, especially after Christopher.”

  “Well
that’s what I’m worried about”

  “What that he’s like Christopher?”

  “Yes, and that if you go out with him in secret, then I’m not going to know where you are to get you out this time.” He looked at me intently, and I could see the pain from the memories of that night in his eyes. “I don’t know what I’d do if something like that happened to you again,” he took my hand and turned it in his lap tracing his fingers over my scars, speaking to me softly. “What if something like this happens? What if you’re not so lucky next time?... I’m happy that you’ve found someone Trina, but this secrecy thing doesn’t sit right with me and seeing you with him last night, well – it just all felt wrong to me.”

  I took my arm back and squeezed his arm as I stood up, “I’ll tell you what, every time I go somewhere with him I will text you so you know where I am. Is that fair?”

  “What if I asked you not to see him?”

  “You’d really ask that of me? It’s been six months since I even looked at a guy, maybe that’s too soon. I don’t know - but I can’t help how I feel right now. He's nothing like Christopher was.”

  He stood up and picked up his bike, “Alright, fine Katina, do whatever you want. But I’m not going to be the third wheel in your relationship this time ok? I’m not going to fight some guy so I can spend time with my best friend, I’m done with that.” I looked at him and nodded imperceptibly, feeling a little stung by his words.

  He faced his bike in the opposite direction to mine, and I frowned in question, “I’m going to ride home, are you ok on your own?”

  “I’ll be fine David, are you ok though? Are we ok?”

  “I and we are fine Trina, I just worry is all. I’ll see you later,” he said sounding annoyed despite his words. He pushed off and headed home, not bothering to wave or to even look at me.

  I watched him until I couldn’t see him anymore. I understood that he was worried for me - the night he took me away from Christopher must have scared the shit out of him. I didn’t remember much beyond the glass smashing and flashes of David carrying me and driving me to the hospital, but he remembers it all, and from what I could tell, it still haunted him that he couldn’t do anything to stop it. Short of never dating again, I didn’t know what would make him feel better.

  ***

  Back at home I showered and had a late breakfast. My mum and dad had gone out shopping together, their favourite Saturday activity and my brother was once again with his new girlfriend – so I had the place to myself.

  I hate to admit this, but I had my mobile phone sitting on the counter next to me waiting for it to ring. I sent a text to David to make sure it was working. Thx 4 coming 2day, u got a date 2nite?

  A few seconds later I got a reply. It’s a secret. I huffed out my breath and shook my head, he’d get over it all soon enough. I knew I was doing the right thing about Elliot, it’s better to test the waters slowly and quietly before making a big deal out of everything. For now, I was just happy spending time with him.

  I was getting antsy waiting on the phone, so I did a load of washing, cleaned my room, vacuumed the house and then hung the washing out. When I came back inside I noticed my phone was flashing at me, I rushed over to it like an excited school girl and looked at the missed call – Evan – about five minutes ago. No voicemail.

  I took a deep breath and called him back. He picked up almost immediately, “Hey beautiful, I thought you’d have your phone on you.”

  “I was just outside being the dutiful daughter. What are you up to today?” from there it turned into one of those early relationship conversations where everything is interesting as long as you are connected somehow. We talked for almost an hour and when we disconnected, I couldn’t wipe the goofy grin from my face.

  Chapter 9

  On Monday morning, when I arrived at work, I noticed Bianca sitting behind the reception desk eyeing me off smugly as I passed her by. I chose to take the high road for a change and smiled brightly wishing her a good morning. Although, every fibre of my being wanted me to shoot lasers at her from my eyes.

  The moment I reached the library, Kayley raced over and followed me to my desk saying, “Oh my god, oh my god! I can’t believe you kissed Elliot on Friday night! You my dear friend, are my new hero… Although I have to say you did upset my cousin by rushing off like that, but I will forgive you if you give me all the details.” She grabbed one of the library chairs and wheeled it over to sit next to my desk looking at me expectantly.

  I wasn’t really sure what to tell her. I thought I could trust her, but I didn’t know her well enough yet to give her information that could cost both myself and Elliot our jobs. So I decided on, “Kayley, I was pretty drunk on Friday, I don’t actually remember much.”

  “What?!" she scrunched up and her face and sat back in her chair. “Are you telling me that you get the glorious Elliot Roberts to lock lips with you after only being here a week, and that’s all you have to say about it? That’s bullshit you don’t remember - tell me it was hot, it was, wasn’t it? I promise not to breathe a word!” she vowed with her hand on her heart and a solemn expression on her face.

  I sighed, looking around to make sure no one was within earshot before I conceded. “Ok Kayley, it was hot, more than hot it was positively sizzling.” That small admittance caused her to squeal and bounce on her chair happily.

  “Please tell me you are dating him now, someone in this place has to and I would just love to have seen the look on Beth’s face when Bianca told her.”

  “Sorry but no - I’m not dating him; it was a mistake Kayley and it can’t happen again.”

  Kayley raised her eyebrows and nodded thoughtfully as she got up to move her chair back in place, “I don’t believe you by the way.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “That wasn’t a mistake Katrina, look at you; you're beautiful, tall and into sports – same as him. The way I see it - it was bound to happen.” She turned and walked out the door going back to her desk.

  I was so busy watching Kayley that I didn’t notice Priya come in after her. “Katrina, can I see you in my office please?” she asked me, looking unimpressed.

  Anxiousness filled my head and buzzed in my ears. I nodded at her and looked out the window towards Kayley, who pulled her lip to the side in a grimace as she looked from Priya to me.

  I immediately got up and followed Priya out, trying to walk tall and confidant despite feeling much like a head of cattle being led to slaughter. When we arrived at her office, Elliot was already sitting there with his legs crossed ankle to knee, his elbows on the chair arms and his fingers steepled.

  I thought I saw a flicker of a smile pass his lips when he saw me, although he set his face to impassive as he watched us walk in and take the other two seats in the room. Seeing him there, I knew that Bianca had ratted us out.

  Priya took her seat and leaned forward with her elbows on the desk to begin. “I got an interesting email this morning that said a few of your colleagues witnessed a rather public display of affection between you two.” She eyed us both closely, “Is this true?”

  Elliot and I looked at each other then turned back to her and shook our heads saying ‘no’.

  “So you’re saying that if I ask around the office no one will have seen anything?”

  “You could ask," said Elliot quickly, before I had managed to come up with an answer, “but who could really know what they saw. I admit I was seen kissing a woman on the wharf on Friday night, but no one could say for sure that it was Katrina. The woman I was with ran off embarrassed when a few of the staff from here called out to us from at least 50 metres away. So you see, they couldn’t have really seen her properly – not from that distance.”

  “Is this true Katrina?” she asked looking at me suspiciously. I simply nodded in agreement not trusting myself to speak.

  “I admit that I am friends with Katrina, we have similar sporting interests, and I admit to going running with her and to the gym. However, from wh
at she tells me, she is already seeing someone called Evan, and that’s not me is it Priya?”

  “Evan huh?” she directed towards me; I nodded again, and she narrowed her eyes. “Alright then, I guess this meeting is over. I can’t do anything without proof and there’s no policy against you being friends so you’re both free to go. But just let me remind you that if you are caught dating within the office one or both of you will lose your positions here.”

  “We understand. Thank you Priya for reminding us,” said Elliot as he stood to leave.

  “Yes, thank you Priya,” I echoed as we both left and returned separately to our respective desks.

  For the second-time today Kayley came rushing in for some gossip from me, “What did she want? Was Elliot in there with you?”

  I didn’t bother lying to her, “I think Bianca dobbed us in for Friday night.”

  “Oh no, are you in trouble?”

  “No, we denied everything. Elliot said that whoever saw us was mistaken, and that he was kissing someone else. So she just reminded us of the policy and let us go.”

  “You’ll have to be more careful then in the future.”

  I caught myself before I nodded and said, “There won’t be an 'in future' Kayley. We’re friends. That's all.”

  She pouted at me and scuffed her feet dramatically all the way out of the library and back to her desk.

  My phone beeped in my bag, the screen told me that I had a new text from ‘Evan’, Meet me for drinks after work?

  I smiled and typed back, Not tonight, have training. How about Wed?

  The reply was almost immediate, OK, will let u know where

  I placed my phone inside my top drawer and tried to focus on my work. Instead images from that erotic dream kept flashing through my mind.

  ***