A Beautiful Struggle

by Lilliana Anderson

  We ended up staying there drinking until 8pm before we all headed off as a group to Pontoon at Darling harbour – Elliot included. As we walked he introduced me to his friend Andrew and the woman he had been talking to earlier, Carmen. It turns out that she lives near David and myself, so we made a plan to catch the train home together and swapped mobile numbers, in case we got separated.

  Pontoon was packed. The music was loud, the air was thick with body heat and the bar was ten people deep - you needed to be slightly aggressive to maintain your position so you would actually get to the front of the line.

  Bianca had David well within her sights and wouldn’t leave his side. He offered to get me a drink, and she told him that she would love one too so he obliged, enjoying the attentions of such an attractive woman.

  I wasn’t very willing to engage Bianca in conversation, so I attempted to busy myself trying to spot where the rest of our group had gotten to. Elliot was talking to Andrew and Carmen, and Kayley and the others had gone straight for the dance floor. I smiled as I watched them swaying their hips with their arms above their heads getting plenty of attention from surrounding men.

  Bianca obviously didn’t mind talking to me though, “So, what are you? A cutter or something?” she sneered indicating my scarred forearms.

  I was categorically taken aback this time – who the hell says things like that?! I searched her face to gain some sort of understanding but found myself expecting a forked tongue to flick out of her mouth.

  “What is your problem?” I frowned at her.

  “You’re my problem, I can see the way you’re going after Elliot.”

  “I’m not going after Elliot, I have to talk to him for work and we get along – that’s all,” I told her feeling incensed in her presence.

  “Well keep it that way, Beth’s been working on him for months, and she doesn’t need some Amazon like you getting in the way. God only knows what he sees in you anyway - if you didn’t wear skirts and have long hair, I would swear you were a boy.”

  I looked over at Elliot and saw that Beth had moved in and was chatting happily to him, Andrew and Carmen. They all looked neat and tidy together. He was smiling. She was smiling – I had to admit they looked good together. As I watched, I saw her link her arm with his and rest her head on his shoulder laughing. Jealousy flared within me as he laughed with her and put his arm around her, giving her a squeeze. I looked away quickly, knowing Bianca was watching me react.

  “I thought there was a ‘no dating’ policy at work.”

  “There is, but no one is going to tell on them; Look at them, it’s only a matter of time before he breaks. Do you see how they look at each other? They’re perfect together,” she insinuated close to my ear.

  A horrible possessive feeling tightened my chest when I had no right to be feeling that way. Mentally, I shook my head to try to clear it away.

  “Bianca, I’m really not interested in Elliot,” I lied. “I just got out of a serious relationship, and I’m not looking to enter a new one right now.”

  “You know. I really don’t think it matters. The way he has his arm around Beth right now - I’d be surprised if he lasts the night,” she said to me with faked brightness, I frowned because her words didn’t match her voice, until I realised that David was standing behind me. “Thank you, David! You’re such a sweetheart!”

  He had returned with our drinks, a black Russian for me, a Vodka Cruiser for Bianca and a schooner of beer for himself. I took my drink with a thanks and knocked it back in two gulps before filling my mouth with the ice left over and crunching down angrily. I needed to move away from Bianca before I said something I was going to regret.

  “I’m going to dance,” I yelled to David. He looked at me and signalled did I want him to dance too, but I shook my head and indicated that I was going to dance with Kayley. He nodded his understanding and turned his attention back to seducing Bianca. I rolled my eyes as I walked away, was there any woman off-limits to him?

  Kayley’s group had grown and she squealed, hugging me as I squeezed in next to her, she seemed pretty drunk at this point and was having a great time. She started to yell in my ear, so she could introduce me to the other people she was dancing with, they were mainly her house mates; all Irish - they came over to Australia on a working visa at the same time as she did. One guy was her cousin, and he leaned into me to shake hands and introduce himself properly. “I’m Connor,” he yelled above the music in his Irish lilt.

  I was obviously more tipsy than I realised as I actually blushed and giggled at him as I took his hand in greeting. I released his hand and settled into the music, closing my eyes and trying to forget about the men in my life and focus instead, on having a good time. Before I knew it Connor, and I had broken off from the group and were pressed up against each other rocking together to the music. He kept talking close to my ear, I couldn’t really hear him but I was laughing anyway because his voice was really sexy and the heat, coupled with the alcohol were making me forget myself.

  But, when he leant in to kiss me, I panicked. I pushed him away and wrestled my way through the crowd to get outside for some fresh air.

  The moment I stepped out, I felt the cool air coming off the water wash over me, I gulped it in greedily and walked further out along the wharf to escape the noise as well. What was wrong with me? That’s not the kind of person I am, I don’t dirty dance with random guys at bars.

  “Katrina?” I turned to the voice. My head started to throb as I realised Elliot had followed me out.

  I looked over my shoulder at him and recognised that I was pissed off at him. “Go away Elliot,” I told him sternly.

  “No, I’m not going away. What the hell was that about? You invited me out, to what? Watch you dry hump some guy on the dance floor?”

  I spun around, “What? You haven’t even spoken to me since we got here. Instead you’ve been focused on Beth!” I shook my head and stepped away from him. “Oh my god, what am I even doing? I’ve spoken to you what? Three, four times? We’ve trained together twice. I don’t even want a relationship right now, and I’m acting like some jealous girlfriend. Fuck me!” I complained as I ran my hands over my head in frustration. Having him around me was making me act stupid.

  “No, it’s not just you. I'm behaving the same way - from the moment I met you, I've done nothing but break my rules to spend time with you,” Elliot said gently as he moved closer to me. “In a week you’ve got me at a bar chasing you out because I felt insanely jealous watching with that guy, and I acted like a fool at work when I saw you with David. I just… I can’t stop thinking about you Katrina. I don’t even think I care anymore if we’re not supposed to date because of work – all I know is that I want you, and I don’t want you to be with anyone else.”

  “You could lose your job over this Elliot!”

  “So could you,” he said moving even closer to me.

  “Who cares about my job, it’s entry level - I can easily get another one,” his hand slid up and caressed the side of my face causing a rush of longing to course through my body. I leaned into his touch and closed my eyes as that magnetic attraction between us started to pull us closer together, despite my own resistance.

  “I care about your job. My days are better when you’re in them,” he whispered as he drew my face towards his and ever so lightly, brushed his lips against mine. I let out a slight whimper as he circled his arms around me. I felt myself melt into him, a merging of bodies unlike anything I’d ever felt before. I parted my lips as his tongue started to tease me, searching my mouth for a response and sucking my lips into his. My reaction became urgent as I reached my arms behind his head and entwined my fingers into his hair, pressing myself against him.

  His hands moved down towards my buttocks, lifting me up in a show of strength as if I weighed nothing. I circled my legs around his waist, clinging to him and kissing him like I was an addict, and he was my drug, not giving a thought to where we were.

  My em
otions were swimming around in my head as I gave into my need for this man’s touch. I tightened my own grip around him as my tongue dove into his mouth more forcefully, exploring him, drinking him in.

  “Um Katrina?” an Irish accent broke the moment.

  My eyes popped open, and I pulled away from Elliot slowly. Peering over his shoulder, I saw Connor standing there with a look of disbelief on his face, closely followed by Kayley, David and worst of all Bianca. She stood there behind the others shaking her head disapprovingly, while I stayed frozen - my hair a mess, my lips swollen from kissing Elliot so hard, and my legs still wrapped around his waist.

  “What’s going on?” he whispered to me not daring to turn around.

  I pushed myself away from him and lowered my legs while he supported my weight until my feet were on the ground.

  Embarrassed from losing control in such a public place I looked from Elliot to the group of people watching and stammered out, “I…I’m sorry. I have to go.” I dashed off through Darling Park with the single thought of making it to Town Hall station, so I could go home.

  I heard David yell, “No! I’ll go!” He came after me at a run and caught up to me before I had even exited the concrete park.

  “Trina!” he called out as he caught up. “What was that about? Are you ok?”

  “No, I’m not ok. I'm an idiot! I just made an absolute fool of myself,” I whined continuing to walk top speed.

  “Katrina, slow down,” David pleaded with his hand on my shoulder, “Talk to me properly.”

  I stopped and looked at him face on, “I don’t know what I’m doing David!” Tears of frustration fell from my eyes. “Every time I’m around him, I can’t think straight. I find myself flirting and being completely unable to control myself.”

  “Hey baby girl, don’t cry. Everything will be alright,” David cupped my face with his hands and wiped his thumb across my cheek to dry my tears away.

  “I don’t even feel capable of having a relationship right now – I don’t want this David! - Not to mention the fact that I have Bianca gunning for me, and it’s only been a week! This is all way too fast and way too much drama – this isn’t me! This isn’t the kind of person I am!” I explained lifting my hands in vexation.

  “Bianca? What’s she got to do with it?”

  “Bianca is nothing but a bitch towards me, David. She might have been all gorgeous sex kitten towards you tonight, but as soon as you left me with her at the bar she asked me if I was a cutter because of my scars and then warned me off Elliot. Every time I see her, she has something bitchy to say to me – she keeps calling me a boy! I can’t believe that of all the girls in my office, you had to choose her to hang around tonight.”

  David took a step back, his brows knitted tightly together. “You never told me she was giving you a hard time. You hardly talk about your work at all! All I know is its easy work, and the people are nice. I only know you like Elliot because I caught you staring after him on your first day with this infatuated look on your face; otherwise I’d have no clue. You have to talk to me Katrina. We're best friends, and before Christopher came along and fucked everything up you did tell me everything, don’t push me away too ok?” he told me earnestly. He stared into my eyes to show me how serious he was and then drew me into a hug. I sighed against his shoulder, realising I hadn’t been a very good friend lately. I promised that I would talk to him more about what was going on with me.

  As soon as I had calmed down, we walked arm in arm towards the train station, remembering half way there that we were supposed to catch the train back with Carmen.

  Feeling guilty I stopped to call her and tell her where we were. She asked for us to wait for her to catch up, so we stood and chatted while we paused.

  “I wasn’t going to do anything with Bianca,” he said during a quiet moment. “Well, not tonight anyway,” he added with that lopsided grin of his.

  I couldn’t help but smile back, “It doesn’t matter David. You can sleep with whoever you like. I just sort of panicked about Bianca tonight - because I’m pretty sure she might be a siren and would eat you if you got too close,” I told him, trying to lighten up the mood a bit.

  He laughed a little through his nose, but stayed fairly serious. “So are you going to tell me what’s been going on with Elliot?”

  I took a deep breath, not really wanting to share, but I told him about how we had been training together and that there were a couple of charged moments between us when we did. I then told him how I had been confused because of how Elliot was running so hot and cold whenever we were near people from the office.

  As I finished David looked over my shoulder and lifted his head upwards to tell me someone was approaching. I turned around and saw Carmen walking towards us with both Andrew and Elliot.

  “Hi!” she said brightly. “Thanks for waiting for me, I hate catching the train home by myself this late at night, I normally go home much earlier than this.” Elliot stood beside her watching me intently, his eyes dark and serious.

  “No worries,” I said to her trying to mirror her smile as I tried to ignore Elliot’s gaze as it bore through me. “Do you need a ride home at all? My car is at the station.”

  “Will you be sober enough to drive home?” asked Andrew.

  “I’ll be fine,” I assured him, “I only had a few drinks. It takes an hour and a half to get home at this time of night so I’ll be well and truly sober by then.”

  “I’d love a ride home, thanks,” Carmen accepted, reaching up to Andrew and giving him a quick kiss goodbye. I watched the exchange and realised that Albina was right, the 'no dating' rule doesn’t really stop anyone at all. However, it could definitely cause problems if the wrong people knew about you.

  Elliot touched my hand and lifted it toward him a little, “Can we talk before you go?”

  I nodded and squeezed David’s arm to reassure him that I was fine before walking a few steps away to talk to Elliot more privately.

  “Listen about tonight, I’m sorry if I pushed you or embarrassed you in any way.”

  “You didn’t Elliot, I embarrassed myself.”

  He studied my face for a moment, gauging my state of mind, before he continued, “Listen, about Beth – there’s nothing going on with her, there never has been. I was only talking to her because she’s my PA. I know she has a thing for me, but I try not to encourage it. Putting my arm around her tonight was… a lapse in judgement,” he ran his fingers though his hair causing it to stick up at odd an angle, I curled my hands into fists as I resisted the urge to reach up and smooth it down for him. He frowned in thought and continued, “She was flirting with me, and I didn’t want to be a jerk and just ignore her – so I tried to be friendly – but not too friendly,” he shook his head and frowned again. “Obviously that’s not what it looked like though… Listen, I spend time with you because I’m interested in you – I’m not interested in her; or anyone else.” He reached out and brushed the backs of his fingers along my cheek, and I once again closed my eyes as his touch sent pleasure ripples through my body. “I hated seeing you dance with that guy tonight,” he whispered as he stepped closer to me.

  My head was clouded by his proximity, and I was finding it hard to breathe, let alone speak. I floundered for my words, “I… I don’t know if I am ready for this Elliot. I don’t know if I can do this. It’s all too fast.”

  “Then we’ll take it as slow as you want. Because, I don’t think I could stay away from you, even if I wanted to,” he pulled me closer to him and my breath caught as he leaned down and kissed me slowly. I felt like jelly in his arms as I relaxed against the hard plains of his body, languishing in the feeling of his mouth on mine. Out of breath, I felt as though I was trembling as we pulled apart from each other.

  “Give me your phone,” he released me and held out his hand. I fumbled through my bag and handed it to him, watching as he tapped in his number and called his own phone. “There, now we both have each other’s numbers,” he told me,
as he handed me back my phone. I looked at my call list and noticed he saved it under ‘Evan’ and smiled to myself.

  “We ready? There will be a train soon,” called out David impatiently.

  “Ok, we’re coming,” I told him. We all walked together toward Town Hall Station. Elliot took my hand and interlaced our fingers leaning in close to me. Carmen and Andrew held hands as well; David was the odd man out walking beside me with his hands in his pockets, and his head down. He had become very quiet, and I was worried about him.

  Upon reaching the station we saw that the train was due in within a minute. David, Carmen and I said a quick good bye, rushed down the stairs to the platform as the train was pulling in and walked straight on board.

  There were plenty of seats at that time of the night, so we settled in at the front of the carriage where we could face each other and chat on the way home. I spoke to Carmen, about how long she had been dating Andrew. She told me that they had been together for nearly a year. I was surprised that there hadn’t been any repercussions at work for them.

  “The no dating policy only becomes a problem if someone else has a problem with you dating. No one cares if Andrew and I are together. We keep to ourselves. Let’s face it, he’s no Elliot, so no one really takes any notice of us. You on the other hand, will have to be very careful, especially after tonight. A lot of girls really like Elliot and they are all going to have their noses out of joint when they find out he likes you. He normally doesn’t give any of the girls the time of day, so you kissing him in public after only a week, is going to ruffle some serious feathers.”

  I leant back in the seat and let out a heavy sigh, “I know. We're going to have to hide it.”

  David sat forward frowning, “Listen, this may not be any of my business here but do you think that’s wise? I’m all for you moving on, but I don’t know if a secret relationship is a good thing for you Katrina,” he pointed out haughtily.

  “No David, I don’t think it’s wise,” I sighed again and looked out the window at the passing lights of the tunnel, “but I can’t stop thinking about him – I feel drawn to him, and I need to find out where that takes us; without either of us losing our jobs.”