A Beautiful Struggle

by Lilliana Anderson

  “No, it’s not what I wanted, my father…”

  “I don’t want to hear it. This isn’t the time or the place to be having this conversation Elliot,” I flicked my eyes to Beth and Bianca, noting their tilted heads as they strained their ears in an effort to hear what we were saying.

  “Who cares about those two!” he burst out, louder than he should. “What are they going to do? Dob on us for talking?”

  That’s when it dawned on me, “Did you move my name card here on purpose?”

  His eyes flicked to the place card in front of me before settling on my own again. “I needed to talk to you,” he admitted.

  “Here? You couldn’t just pick up the phone?”

  “Would you have answered if I did?”

  I opened my mouth to say yes but shut it abruptly when I realised that no, I probably would have let it ring out. So I answered, “That first week yes, but now – no I wouldn’t have.”

  “See?” he pointed out.

  “Fine Elliot, talk – but understand that it will change nothing.”

  He nodded his head towards Beth, “I heard that you’re with David now, I guess there was something to worry about there after all,” he commented.

  “Who knows Elliot, maybe I would have sacrificed my friendship with David for you – things were fairly intense between us, I thought I loved you. But…” I shook my head and shrugged my shoulders to indicate that we’ll never know.

  His eyes skimmed over me, and he grunted slightly. I turned my head away from him when it was announced that the buffet was being served. Tables were being called up one at a time to choose their meals.

  Letting out my breath, I turned back to him, “So is that why you moved me here? So you could question me about David?”

  He shook his head, “No, I’m sorry – it’s really none of my business anymore; I’m the one that ruined things, so I was out of line there. I just… I just wanted to talk to you and explain myself. I want to say how sorry I am.”

  “Elliot, there’s nothing to explain – I already know that your father threatened to cut you off for dating a western suburbs girl; I obviously wasn’t worth fighting for and that’s fine – I accept that. But I think I will be forever pissed at you for giving me the silent treatment instead of having the decency to break it off with me.”

  He looked down at his hands, “I know. I went about it all wrong, and I’m so sorry for that. I guess I just knew that if I spoke to you; I wouldn’t be able to go through with it, and then I’d be out on my own.” He spoke quietly like he was a small child. When I used to look at Elliot, I saw a man who had his life together and everything going for him; now I saw him as a boy who was petrified of going against his father.

  “I don’t know what to say to you Elliot, I’m sorry that your father’s money holds such importance to you that you let it rule your decisions. I’ve never had lots of money so to me; the choice to follow my heart would have been easy.” I shook my head, searching for the words to convey how I felt about everything that had happened between us, “You hurt me a lot, Elliot. You made me feel special, you told me you loved me; you let me love you and then poof,” I used my hands to mime the word, “it was all gone and all I got was an insult about being a westie from your father and not so much as a text message from you. That hurt me greatly, Elliot, it broke my heart. But it’s you, I feel most sorry for,” he knitted his brows together as he listened to me. “You’re the one that lost out here Elliot. You gave up what you thought was love, for money, money Elliot! I just can’t understand that.”

  “I’m sorry Katrina,” he barely whispered. His hand twitched toward mine, but he seemed to realise what he was doing and curled his fingers underneath instead, “I can’t tell you enough how sorry I am. You don’t know how many times I started to call you, how many times I wrote an email… I know things have changed for you, but my feelings are still the same – I fucked up, I fucked up big time; and I can’t change that now, I wish I could, but - I can’t,” his handsome face was etched with pain as he spoke to me.

  Our table got called to go up to the buffet, and the others around us stood to make their way over, leaving Elliot and I on our own for a moment. I watched Beth and Bianca hesitate as they stood, desperately wanting to stay to try to find out what Elliot and I were talking about. I stood as well turning to Elliot, who was still sitting.

  “I am really sorry too Elliot, what we had was really special to me. Just be thankful this all happened early on while we were only getting started. At least we weren’t too invested in each other yet. Things would have been a lot harder the longer we were together.” I touched him lightly on the shoulder and started to make my way to the buffet, but he caught my hand and held me there.

  “I’m still invested in you,” he said looking at me sincerely.

  I pulled my hand from his. “I’m sorry Elliot, but I’m not.” Walking away from him, I ignored the watchful eyes of others, chancing a glance back towards him when I reached the buffet. He was sitting sideways in his chair slouched over with his elbows on his knees, and his hands clasped together as he stared at the floor. He took a deep breath and sat up, running his hands over his face and through his hair. I decided then that I was going to resign from this job, now fully understanding the reason for the 'no dating' policy – it’s hard to be around someone you once loved, even harder to work with them.

  As I watched him walk over to the buffet, he gave me a small smile and shrugged his shoulders in capitulation; it was then that I made my next decision – to forgive him. He was clearly torturing himself over what happened, whether I continued to be angry at him or not was really of no consequence anymore. It was time that I looked on our relationship for what it was - a beautiful struggle; one that we ultimately lost, but it was wonderful and all-consuming while it lasted. I couldn’t hate him for that.

  I got through the necessary parts of the Christmas party trying to talk pleasantly to everyone at my table. Even attempting some nice conversation with Beth and Bianca – I got scowls in response but, at least I tried to make the best of things.

  When everyone started dancing I slipped outside to call David and tell him what had just happened.

  “Are you ok?” he asked when I was finished, concern edging his voice.

  “I’m fine, I actually feel a lot better about everything now. I guess I just needed some closure, you know?” I told him.

  “I’m glad you got the chance to talk to him, Trina,” he said sincerely.

  “Thank you David, I’m glad too.”

  “Although I do feel sorry for the guy.”

  “Why is that?”

  “Because you’re a hard woman to get over Trina. I tried - and I failed miserably”

  I laughed through my nose, “You’re sweet.”

  “You’re beautiful,” he cooed down the line, setting the butterflies in my stomach a flutter.

  “I’d better get back in there, I’ll see you tonight?”

  “You will, I’ll call you when I’m finished. Love you.”

  “Love you too,” I smiled as I hung up the phone and went back inside to re-join the party, feeling much lighter now that I had spoken to my best friend, my love.

  Epilogue

  After I left Turner Barlow & Smith, I went to work at a much smaller law firm as an office all-rounder. I loved it there, getting to do some paralegal work and have a lot more hands-on experience before I finished my degree. I was offered a full-time position when I graduated and became junior solicitor specialising in family law, although being in a small law firm – I was called upon to help out in other areas as well.

  David was taken on full time where he had been working as well. We were both moving forward in our career and our relationship, pooling our funds so that we could get a very small and crappy flat, as close to the city as we could afford. It was cramped and a constant mess, but we loved it.

  I had given up triathlons after a less than stellar performance at uni that semest
er I was working and dealing with my personal issues.

  I still trained to maintain my fitness and it was whilst out running during my lunch break that I saw Elliot again after almost two years of no contact.

  Waving when he saw me, he excused himself from the slightly overweight man he was with and trotted over to me. He looked exactly as I remembered him, his hair was perhaps a little longer but everything else was still the same. As he got closer I noticed that his shirt advertised a personal training company.

  “What’s this?” I asked him immediately, forgetting to start with ‘hi, it’s been ages. How have you been?’

  He looked down and laughed, “I’m a personal trainer now.”

  I did a double take, “What? What about becoming a barrister?”

  He continued to smile and shook his head. “That was my father’s dream for me. After you left, I did a lot of soul-searching and decided to make my own path.”

  “Wow, that’s amazing Elliot. I'm really happy for you.”

  “Looks like congratulations is owed to you as well,” he said nodding towards the engagement ring on my left hand. “Is that from David?” I nodded briefly. David had proposed the night we graduated, and I had gladly accepted.

  “Oh thank you, the wedding is a while off, but everything else is great.” He smiled forlornly and met my eyes, “How about you? How are things with you?”

  A sadness seemed to linger just behind his eyes as he searched my face in the moments before he answered. “Well, I don’t really speak to my dad anymore – which really is a good thing; and I’m seeing someone now. It took a while – and she’s not you... but things are ok. I’m certainly not ready for a commitment like that yet,” he laughed uneasily, nodding at my ring again.

  I could see the man Elliot was training standing away from us with his hands on his hips puffing and looking over. “Well, I had better let you get back to it. It was nice to see you again Evan.”

  He laughed, it had been a long time since I had called him that, but there was little humour in the sound. “You too Katrina. I'll see you around, if not – have a great life!” He gave me a despondent half smile and ran off, returning to his client. I watched him gracefully run away from me, feeling friendly affection and a slight sadness for him before I continued on my way.

  Seeing me again was obviously still hard on Elliot, I was so glad that he finally stood up to his father. He did it too late to make any difference to his and my relationship but at least when the next time he found love, it wouldn’t matter what her address was.

  I looked at the ring that David had given me and remembered how he had proposed. The jewellery box was underneath his graduation cap and when I came over to him with my degree in hand, he had started complaining that his hat was hurting and asked me to check it for him. When he removed his hat and handed it to me; I noticed the box and looked at his face, wondering if it was what I thought it was.

  With quivering hands, I opened it, gasping as he got down to his knee and asked me to marry him. I burst into happy tears and said yes, holding my still shaking hand out for him to slide the ring onto my finger. Our families were around us to witness the moment along with a few others from the ceremony, applauding when we kissed each other. It was corny and beautiful and so very David.

  As I continued to run along the path, I thought about all the events that had led me to where I was now, my relationship with Christopher, spending time with Elliot and discovering my love for David; it was a difficult and very emotional time, but it got me where I was, so I wouldn’t change a thing, not for all the money in the world.

  The end

  A Note from the Author:

  Thank you for reading A Beautiful Struggle

  I would love it if you could find the time to review this book on Amazon and/or Goodreads – I love to hear from readers, it helps me become a better writer!

  For updates or to ask questions/ send comments,

  you can contact me at lillianaanderson@live.com.au ,

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  Once again, I thank you for reading. This is my second book and I plan to write many more.

  Lilliana Anderson