Trailer Park Heart

by Higginson, Rachel

  Pathetic.

  Slut.

  They didn’t need to call me the names out loud for me to feel the judgment hitting me like it was a physical thing. I had always been looked at with pity.

  I had always been treated as less than.

  But I refused to let their thoughts define me. They could mistreat me, but I would never be their victim. So, I let it happen. They didn’t know anything about me. And judging me said more about them than it ever would about me.

  “Didn’t I see you at Levi’s homecoming party?” the one named Leslie asked.

  I took a step back, surprised by her reference. Except for when I was at work or in a situation like this, I was invisible to these people. Other than Ajax and Levi, I didn’t expect anyone at Pug’s to have noticed me.

  “I stopped by Pug’s for an hour or so,” I told her honestly. “But I was there with friends, not for Levi.”

  “Not what I heard,” Brianna murmured out of the side of her mouth.

  In any other circumstance, I would have confronted the situation head on and let her know I could hear her and that her comments were inappropriate and rude. At least, that was what I liked to tell myself in my head.

  But for the sake of the party and the room full of first-graders that would be here any moment, I kept my mouth shut.

  Besides, I didn’t want to perpetuate the drama.

  Whatever they thought happened, did not happen.

  If there was a fight, it had nothing to do with me.

  Even though I danced with Ajax and made out with Levi. I was positive the events of Saturday evening had nothing to do with each other.

  “Do you guys know Levi?” I asked instead.

  They straightened simultaneously, stiffening their backs at being called out. “I knew Logan,” Brianna sniffed. “Kind of.”

  “Levi and I go way back,” I told them. “But we’ve never really been friends. It was nice of y’all to throw him a party. I’m sure everyone had a great time.”

  “We sure did,” Leslie snickered. Brianna dissolved into giggles.

  Jamie clapped her hands together, pulling everyone’s attention to her. “Okaaaaaay.” She drew the word out slowly. “Let’s do less talking and more decorating. The kids will be here soon.”

  By the time Max and the rest of his class flooded in the classroom, we’d done an excellent job of covering every surface with some kind of Halloween decoration. I couldn’t say it looked like a Pottery Barn ad or anything, but it was sufficiently festive.

  And the first graders loved it.

  It was easy to forget about Levi and the gossip floating around town when I had Max to focus on. He had so much fun at his party. Jamie did a great job of organizing age-appropriate activities and healthy snacks that looked cool enough the kids didn’t care they were eating fruit and pretzels.

  Max ran over to me and smiled. The toothless spaces were replaced with candy corn. “Look, mommy,” sounded more like “Blookblommy.”

  “When did you grow new teeth?” I asked him.

  His smile widened, and a candy corn fell out. He clumsily caught it before it hit the ground.

  “Those aren’t teeth,” a little girl corrected seriously. “That’s candy.”

  “Oh, now I see.” I pulled Max against my body in a side hug while he tried to shove the sticky candy corn back in his mouth, his hands covered in spit.

  “You’re so weird,” the little girl told Max.

  “Hey, now,” I protested in my most maternal voice. “That’s not a kind thing to say. I know you would feel very sad if someone said that to you.”

  Her eyes moved over me, and a snotty little smirk appeared on her face. “His shoe has a hole in it. So does his jacket. My mom says it’s because you’re poor. I think that’s why Max is weird. Because he’s poor. But Mommy says it’s because he’s your son.”

  Outrage rolled through me. Not at the little girl. She was six. Her only perspective on the world and the people in it came from her parents. Which meant they were awful people. But I also had Max to protect.

  “What’s your name?” I asked her sweetly.

  “Sophia.”

  I smiled at her. “Let’s go talk to Mrs. Hayes, Sophia.”

  “Why?”

  “Because nothing you said was okay and you’re about to get in big trouble.”

  “Mommy!” she squealed, running over to Leslie.

  Now that made sense didn’t it? I turned to Max before I dealt with the demon child and her evil mother.

  Kneeling at his level, I swallowed through the lump in my throat and the sting in my nose. If this had happened to only me, there would not have been a chance in hell that I would have cried. But because it happened to Max, to my baby, and because I felt emotions for him one thousand percent more than mine, I couldn’t help the tears welling up and blurring my vision.

  The thing about being a mom was, I could be completely run over, taken advantage of, spit on, cursed at, whatever, you name it. And I would have gotten up, brushed myself off and gotten over it. But when something happened to my kid? No. Nope. Everything no. Mama Bear came out and she was highly emotional—and everyone knew not to piss off an emotional grizzly bear.

  “Mommy, why are you crying?” Max asked, his little hand cupping my jaw and catching a lone tear.

  I brushed beneath my eyes and wiped discreetly at my nose. I would not let these people see me cry. I would not. “I don’t like what that girl said. She was very mean.”

  He rolled his eyes and popped one of his half-eaten candy corns back in his mouth. “That’s Sophia,” he repeated. “She’s always like that.”

  “She always says that to you?” Out of the corner of my eye I saw Sophia relaying the story to her mom with animated hands. I could only imagine what she was saying.

  “Not just me,” Max said. “She says mean things to everyone. She’s always in the safe seat.”

  “I’m worried about what she’s saying to you though, Max. Do I need to talk to her mommy?”

  He cocked his head and shrugged. “I don’t care what she says to me. I don’t play with her.”

  The mom inside me that never knew if she was doing the right thing as a single parent cheered wildly. The mom inside me on a warpath was ready to rip Leslie’s hair out.

  “Let’s go talk to Mrs. Hayes, yeah?”

  He looked at his friends Landon, Harper, Ava, and Daniel. “Do I have to?”

  Glancing down at his shoe, I noticed it really did have a hole in it. It wasn’t because I had no money—even though I had no money. It was a wear and tear issue. I grew up in thrift store purchases and I had decided a long time ago that I would never let my kid suffer through that.

  Okay, I didn’t want him to grow up in only thrift store stuff. Besides, sometimes you could find great deals there and I was not a girl that could pass up a good deal.

  As a grown up, I knew how to sift through the second-hand stores and find great pieces, sometimes even vintage and rare pieces. That was a skill my mom never had. But for Max, I worked my butt off to give him new clothes. And when he got older, if he wanted to make the choice to thrift shop, I would show him the ways.

  “All right, go ahead. I’ll talk to Mrs. Hayes myself.” After kissing the top of his head, he ran off to play with his friends and I trudged over to the teacher’s desk, both dreading that I had to have this conversation and proud that I was the kind of mom that would stand up for my kiddo.

  Mrs. Hayes was mid-thirties and lovely. With her blonde bob, studded leggings and dress-shirt tunic, she was even trendy. Especially considering the rest of her peers here at Clark City Elementary.

  She was also super kind. I explained the situation quietly and she filled me in on Sophia’s attitude. She said she’d been meaning to email me because this wasn’t the first time.

  “I hesitated,” she explained, “because Max rolls so well with the punches. I’ve only caught Sophia once or twice, but I’ve suspected more. Max will never tell me w
hat she says.”

  “I’m concerned she felt brave enough to say those things to me.”

  Mrs. Hayes nodded, her eyes darting to Leslie and Sophia. “I’ll talk to Mrs. Price before they leave today. I’m so sorry she said that to Max though. Is he okay?”

  We both turned to look at Max, who was currently entertaining half the class with more candy corn tricks.

  I had never been like that as a kid. I’d tried to hide from all attention. A memory surfaced of Levi making fun of braids I’d tried to do myself in front of the boys in our class when we were only in second grade. I flushed with embarrassment even now.

  It was the day I decided I didn’t like him. He’d humiliated me. And I had shrunk further into my introvert skin.

  “I think he’s okay.”

  “You wouldn’t believe how resilient kids are,” Mrs. Hayes added. “Not that bullying or cruel talk is ever tolerated, but at least you know he can bounce back.”

  Bounce back. The phrase ping-ponged through my head as I absorbed it. Emotions churned inside me, a hundred different memories of elementary school that I had yet to bounce back from.

  Maybe I was just a different kid than Max—more sensitive, more fragile. Or maybe my world at that age was different than Max’s. He’d grown up in relative stability. Yeah, he didn’t have a dad, but he did have a mom that loved him more than anything, three meals every day and clothes that fit him.

  I hadn’t had those things.

  Sucking in a sharp breath, I let the weight of being a mom settle anew on my shoulders. Max was growing up in the same trailer I had, in the same neighborhood, in the same kind of poverty-stricken circumstances. I had been molded by my circumstances and situation. And yet because he had a mom that loved him, none of it defined him.

  “He’s a good kid,” she added. “You’re doing a great job with him.”

  Tears stung my eyes again, but I blinked them quickly away. “Thank you.”

  Max and I left a few minutes later, when Mrs. Hayes pulled Leslie aside. I figured that was a great time to make an exit. The party had officially ended, and pickup would start soon. I told Jamie I wanted to beat the traffic after I’d helped put away some of the decorations, but mainly I didn’t want to stick around and watch Leslie make excuses for her mean-spirited child.

  I supposed I didn’t know she would do that for sure and I felt bad for judging her as she had Max and me, but I’d also seen enough women like her to know what to expect.

  “I love you, Mommy,” Max said on the way to the car, his hand tucked securely into mine. “Thanks for coming to my party.”

  Gazing down on my smart, funny, easy-going child, I couldn’t help but grin. “I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. I love you too, buddy.”

  Our cheap and easy meal of Velveeta Mac and Cheese and turkey sandwiches that night reminded me of Sophia’s hurtful words, but they didn’t touch me this time. I was doing a good job with Max. I wasn’t perfect, and I wouldn’t do everything right, but I was doing more good than harm. I was raising a kind, considerate little boy. I was involved and attentive and hopeful for his future.

  I didn’t get out of this town, but maybe Max would.

  16

  Ghouls, Goblins and Ghosts From the Past

  “I look awesome!” Max cheered when I showed him his full Halloween look with face paint. He’d decided to dress as The Hulk, so on top of the muscled green onesie costume, I’d painted his face green and used temporary kids’ hair dye to make his hair black. “Grammy, look at how cool I look!”

  “Mmph,” she grunted. “Who are you? What did you do with Max?”

  Max bent in half, laughing, giddy with the excitement of the night. “Grammy, it’s me. I’m Max.”

  She winked at him. “You look good green, kid.”

  He raced around the living room, nearly knocking everything over and pounding on the cheap floor. He grabbed his trick-or-treating plastic pumpkin and jumped in the air, flexing when he landed. “Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!”

  Pulling on my cardigan, I grabbed my purse and looped it across my body. “All right,” I told my mom. “We’ll see you later.”

  “I won’t be here when you get back. The club is finally open again. I’ll be working.”

  I turned around, so she wouldn’t see me wrinkle my nose. “Okay.”

  “Your bill is by the microwave,” she added before I could escape out the door. “Tomorrow’s the first.”

  “I know what day tomorrow is,” I said, feeling irritation spiral through me until it landed in my toes and bounced back up toward my gut. “I’ll write you a check in the morning.”

  Never one to turn down an opportunity to make money, Maxine had been charging two-thirds of the utilities and cable since Max was one and I’d finally, shakily, gotten my feet under me again.

  It wasn’t fair that she should have to pay for two extra mouths to feed when I was supposed to be at college. It was a subtle way of rubbing the fallout of my life in my face. It was also a way to make her life easier while simultaneously making my life harder.

  Most months I just sucked it up. Max and I did use up two-thirds of the electricity and water. We were here most often. It made sense. But it also stung. Every time she reminded me what day of the month it was, I remembered how unwilling to help she was. I remembered who she was and why I had been so anxious to get out of this town to begin with.

  “See you later, Maxxy,” she called after my son without acknowledging my promise. “Bring me back lots of the little Twix. Those are my favorite.”

  “Okay, Grammy,” he shouted while he jumped down our deck steps. “Come on, Mommy!”

  Grabbing my keys off the hook near the door, I followed Max without another word to my mom. Guilt immediately assaulted my nerves, reminding me that she did a lot for me that she didn’t have to. She also didn’t do a lot for me that she probably should have. But this was our life and it had never been any different, so why I expected change now, after all these years, was beyond me.

  I drove Max into town and parked in the parking lot at the back of Rosie’s. It was barely dusk, but the town square was already packed with kids in full costume, carrying flashlights and bags filled with candy.

  It was also the last evening of Supper in the Square for the season so plenty of families were enjoying meals at all the different restaurant options around the courthouse. Max and I had a tradition for Halloween. We ate at Rosie’s, we trick-or-treated until the orange plastic pumpkin got too heavy to carry or the strap broke and then we came back to Rosie’s for pie.

  Obviously, there were other restaurants to eat at in Clark City, but what could I say? I was loyal.

  Also, Rosie objectively made the best pie. And she served from-scratch caramel apple cider one night a year. That night was tonight. And it was Max’s and my favorite.

  We did our thing at Rosie’s, all of the employees stopping by to check out Max’s costume. Even Reggie came out of the kitchen to tell him how cool he looked. By now, the paint around his mouth had faded and his costume was covered in grease from wiping his French-fried fingers on it, but he was still the cutest Hulk I had ever seen.

  We paid our bill, left an extra five dollars for Jody and stood up to leave. I wrapped my mustard cardigan tighter around my torso and wished I’d grabbed a real jacket or at least a scarf. It was almost eighty degrees earlier today, but now it had dropped into the fifties—welcome to Nebraska. Totally unpredictable weather and temps that could swing thirty degrees in a matter of hours.

  I led Max around the table and toward the sidewalk that wound around the square. I saw Levi stepping up to the hostess stand at Rosie’s and so I quickly steered Max so our back was to him.

  My breathing sped up with him so close. He’d come out of nowhere. I wanted to tie bells around his ankles, so I could at least have a warning before he just appeared in all his tall, dark, handsome glory.

  This was no joke. It hurt to look at him tonight. He was in dark
wash jeans and a red and black plaid jacket that looked incredibly warm and burly and sexy.

  God, did I just say plaid was sexy?

  That kiss had gone to my head in the wrong way. It had been a couple of weeks, yet now my reason was blurred and I had a strong attraction to men that looked like lumberjacks.

  Good thing he wasn’t wielding an ax and chopping down trees. My panties might spontaneously melt off me.

  I hadn’t talked to him since his mouth had assaulted mine in the darkened hallway of Pug’s. He hadn’t been back to Rosie’s. I realize I’d ended things that night, I’d stepped away, I’d shut it down, so this was supposed to be what I wanted. Except for only being back in my life for such a short time, there sure was a giant, yawning gap now that he’d stepped back out of it.

  I wanted to talk to him, explain without explaining anything. Or at least apologize for being the way that I am. But now, with Max, wasn’t the right time to run into him. I might do something crazy like slap him. Or tackle him to the ground and start dry-humping him. Maybe both.

  Max shouldn’t have to see either of those scenarios play out. Just Wednesday I’d patted myself on the back and told myself what a good mom I was.

  A good mom did not fantasize a little BDSM action with her child’s uncle.

  It probably would have been smart to play out this scenario in my head before I came face to face with Levi, but I was amazing at avoiding him. Also denial. Also, in my defense, I didn’t think he’d be here tonight because it was a family thing. The singles-slash-younger-crowd usually headed out of town to Finch’s farm for a spooky, more grown-up Halloween party.

  “Oh, no, is that the Hulk?” Levi’s voice chased after us, not catching Max’s attention but straight up kidnapping mine. “Wait up, I’m going to need that autograph.”

  “He’s talking about you, Hulk,” I murmured to Max out of the corner of my mouth.

  Max blinked up at me, “Huh?”

  I spun around to greet Levi. “He’s not doing autographs right now. Please respect his privacy. He’s with his family.”

  Levi’s mouth split into a grin. “And what are you? The bodyguard?”