The Girl in the Lighthouse (Arrington)

by Roxane Tepfer Sanford

  Edward folded up the paper, and cleared his throat, then revealed a fact that made Heath turn white as a ghost.

  “The cows that were let out—one of them was ours.”

  Daddy was startled. He hadn’t heard what went on the previous night.

  Heath and Ayden looked guilty as sin. I kept a straight face. It was easy because Edward wasn’t directing his suspicions at me.

  “You know what I think would be a good idea?” Edward said. He winked over at Opal, who was in the dark over what he was about to suggest. Daddy sat back and crossed his arms over his chest after Edward handed him the paper to read.

  Ayden and Heath sat in silence as Edward told them he had already volunteered them for the cow round-up.

  “That certainly is a good idea,” Daddy said. “Plans were to transport the cow to the island tomorrow.”

  “We can finally have fresh milk. I can’t wait,” Opal said. Edward stood, and the boys followed suit.

  “I think now is a good time to set out,” he said to them. Their guilt-ridden faces were all I saw as they were marched out of the house.

  “There is definitely one good thing about having a little girl,” Daddy commented. Opal gave a little smile. She was thinking that she might be lucky enough to have one, while I was thinking about how naïve Daddy was.

  I went to the bluff to watch the boys row back to the mainland. When they saw me, they waved. They weren’t mad that they had taken full blame, and I was relieved. I was amazed and grateful that Ayden didn’t turn me in. Over the past several months, he had passed into maturity. Although he was terribly mad at his brother, he had learned to stay loyal to him. That was more important than anything.

  “Hurry back!” I called to them, though they couldn’t hear me over the November winds. They were almost gale force, and Heath struggled to row. When I could no longer see them clearly, I turned and saw Momma looking out the window. She was out of bed. I had to warn Daddy.

  “Come quick,” I said. “Momma is awake.”

  Daddy rushed to the house, through the front door, up the stairs, and fumbled with the key to unlock the door. Maybe he thought she had come out of her trance and was fully recovered. Was there any chance at all? I came in right behind him.

  “Amelia, you shouldn’t be out of bed,” he said, guiding her back.

  “I saw the children. I think they want me to come and play,” she said. Momma was as confused as ever. “Hattie and Jacob-Thomas went out on the river. I want to go watch them, Garrett. Can’t I, just this one time? I promise we won’t get caught again.”

  Daddy threw up his arm and pointed for me to leave.

  “You must leave her, Lillian.”

  “But Daddy,” I cried.

  “Now!” he yelled. I turned and ran down the hall to my room. I heard him slam the door closed and lock it from the inside. I lay down on my bed and cried, just as I had done so many times before. Daddy had never raised his voice to me, not once. He should have yelled at Momma and told her to stop thinking she was a little girl. She was his wife and a mother. Why did she continue to think she was somewhere else, in another time and place? Didn’t the powders help at all? Weren’t there any doctors that could make Momma come to her senses?

  I took my beautiful doll and placed her on my lap. She kept me company on the days that Daddy stayed locked away with Momma and Heath and Ayden were too busy with chores to play with me. Jane listened to all my worries. I could tell her anything; I could reveal my most cherished secrets. Even though she looked back at me with eyes as glass as Momma’s, she was all I had.

  As the day went on and turned colder, the temperature in the house dropped dramatically. I crept out of my room and listened at Momma and Daddy’s door. I didn’t hear them. I suspected they had fallen asleep. Daddy must have forgotten to stoke the fire. When I got downstairs, I noticed the fire was completely out. I stood there shivering, not sure what to do. I would either have to wake Daddy or do it myself. Edward and Opal had done so much for us already. Our family needed to be independent some of the time.

  I brought some wood in from the large stack near the house. The wind was strong, and I had trouble closing the door behind me. I had never made my own fire, but I’d watched Daddy do it thousands of times.

  “Put the matches down,” Daddy said from the top of the stairs. I was startled to see him. “I’ll do that.”

  I handed him the matches and stepped aside. In a moment, he had a small fire going. I watched the soft glow light up his tired face as he knelt on one knee. What were Daddy and I going to do without Momma? We both missed her laughter and gentle touch. And as much as I missed it, Daddy missed it twice as much, if not more. Momma loved me, of course, but when it came to Daddy, it was like no one else in the world could ever love him the way she did. She put all of Daddy’s wants and needs first, and she would have chosen nothing less. Now he was empty.

  “I’m sorry for yelling at you, Lillian,” Daddy said, motioning for me to come to him. I stepped forward and allowed him to hug me. “I am so sad when your momma is like that. You can’t be around her when she is in that state of mind. Do you understand me, Lillian?” he asked. He was determined to keep me away from her, far from her delusional world.

  “But Daddy, who are all those people she talks of?”

  “She is imagining things. Those people are just figments of her imagination. Please don’t listen to anything you might overhear. Can you promise that to me?” His eyes pleaded for me to obey. As much as I wanted to think what was in Momma’s mind was purely in her own imagination, it all seemed too real. She believed Hattie was here with her, and she longed to play with Jacob-Thomas. Could they have been characters in a book she read as a child? But she always knew who Daddy was. If she was completely delusional and her friends were all make-believe, how could he play any part in her distorted state of mind?

  I agreed just to appease him, but I had so many questions, most of which I believed Daddy could indeed answer.

  The cow was finally found and brought to Jasper Island. No harm had been done, no punishment handed out. Luckily, Farmer Powell couldn’t confidently identify Heath. Heath knew he was lucky, and vowed never to cause so much trouble again. What also ended up in his favor was Clara agreeing he could be her beau. Heath didn’t tell Ayden or me that he was going to ask her. I found out during recess.

  “I’m so happy, Lillian, I can’t even begin to tell you,” she sang. As happy as she was, I was twice as unhappy. “He is so smart and handsome. I’m the luckiest girl in the village.”

  It sickened me to hear her talk of Heath like that, and I walked away without remark. She was right; she was the luckiest girl. Although he had been my best friend, my closest confidant, something about Heath continued to change. All he wanted to do in his free time was be with Clara. They would sit in the field and eat lunch together. Sometimes he would push her on the swing, and other times, he would read poetry that he wrote especially for her. Ayden found the poems in Heath’s room. It was apparent he had been snooping around. I didn’t approve of it, but I didn’t reprimand him for it, either.

  “Those poems he wrote make me want to heave up my breakfast,” Ayden said as he handed several pieces of paper to me then went to use the outhouse. I had just finished hanging the wet clothes on the line. I wiped my hands on my apron to dry them then slowly read Heath’s private words to Clara. My heart raced as he described her uncompromising beauty and his yearning to have her be forever his. Heath wrote in some of his poetry that when he stared up at the night sky and gazed at the sparkling stars, he saw her eyes. I read each poem, one at a time, until I got to the last one. Then it was snatched from my hands. Heath stood looking at me in disbelief, repulsed. I couldn’t speak; I couldn’t find the words fast enough to excuse why I had, in my very hands, his most personal possessions.

  “How could you go through my things?” he asked me with a tight, hurt voice. He didn’t wait for me to answer. “I thought I could trust you, Lillian,�
�� he mumbled, and walked away, leaving me standing there.

  Ayden returned to find me in tears. “What happened?”

  “Heath. He found me with the poems.”

  Ayden wanted to fix what had been done. He was going right away to admit he had taken the poems and given them to me.

  “It wouldn’t change anything. Even if you admit to taking them, he saw me reading them. I invaded his privacy, and for that, I am sure Heath will never forgive me,” I sobbed.

  I handed Ayden the papers to give back to Heath. Heath would expect such childish behavior from Ayden, but not that I would do such a horrible thing. I’d made a huge mistake, one that would change the way Heath Dalton felt about me. Little did he realize that his hurt killed me. At supper, Heath wouldn’t even sit at the table with me. He asked to be excused.

  “What’s wrong? Are you ill?” Opal asked.

  “No, I just don’t feel up to eating. May I be excused?” Heath shot me a look of revulsion. If he only realized I hadn’t meant to hurt him.

  “Go ahead, Heath,” Edward said.

  Heath couldn’t avoid eating supper forever. He needed time to calm down. I knew that was his way. Time always healed Heath’s suffering. I figured by the first of the week, when we were back in school, it would all be forgotten. I had no such luck. Ayden tried to stand up for me; he hated the way Heath ignored me.

  “Lillian apologized to you, Heath. What more can she do?” We were in the rowboat, on our way to school. I was tired of the three of us bickering more than getting along.

  “It’s all because of Clara. You have treated Lillian badly ever since you went mad over Clara,” Ayden shouted.

  “You stay out of it,” Heath demanded.

  “That’s enough!” I yelled. The two of them stopped and stared, wide-eyed, at me.

  “Ayden, your brother has every right to be mad at me. And if he never speaks to me again, so be it.”

  The row boat hit the shore, and I jumped out. The water was freezing, but I didn’t care. I hurried through the water. Ayden called for me, but I didn’t wait. I was truly beside myself with Heath’s bitterness towards me. I couldn’t think of anything but how he constantly threw me a scowl, just as Ayden used to.

  By the time I got to school, the bottom of my dress had mostly dried, though my feet were still wet and freezing. I took my seat, but immediately noticed Clara was absent. Heath and Ayden sat down right after. When Heath saw Clara wasn’t beside me in her usual place, he grew concerned. As class began and she didn’t arrive, Heath raised his hand.

  “Yes, Mr. Dalton?”

  “If you don’t mind my asking, ma’am, might you know why Clara is absent today?” All of the children giggled.

  “She didn’t tell you?” Miss Weatherbee asked, her face twisted in confusion.

  “Tell me what, ma’am?”

  “Clara moved away, Heath.”

  “Moved away?” Heath frowned in disbelief.

  “That’s enough of this. Class has begun. Betty, please recite your spelling words.”

  Heath looked as though he’d lost his most cherished possession. I felt bad for him. He tried so hard to fight his tears, but they just kept streaming down his face.

  Miss Weatherbee took notice. She came to him and whispered, “Go get some fresh air.”

  Heath scurried out and didn’t come back. When we were dismissed for the day, Miss Weatherbee gave Ayden a note to give to Opal and Edward. Ayden didn’t read it; he didn’t have to. I asked everyone why Clara moved, but no one knew the reason. We all suspected it was because of financial reasons. What else could it have been? Maybe Heath went to find out. Hopefully, his parents would understand.

  “That’s if they find out,” Ayden said, and tossed the letter into the harbor. Heath had enough to be distraught about. He didn’t need Opal and Edward getting angry over Heath’s departure from school.

  Heath showed up in defeat. He got into the boat and took the oars, then rowed us out onto the sea.

  “Did you find out what happened to her?” Ayden asked. Heath’s eyes were red from crying. I pitied him more than ever. I’d never wanted him to love Clara, but I certainly didn’t want to see him so devastated, either.

  One of the rumors was that Clara and her family left because they could no longer afford the farm. Another, more ludicrous rumor, was that Clara’s mother had been a burlesque dancer in years past, and when the truth was exposed, her father packed them up and moved the entire family away. No one was able to get to the truth of the matter. It left Heath unhappy and despondent. During school, he kept to himself, and on the island, after chores, he stayed alone. At supper, though all of us were sympathetic, we couldn’t understand what he was going through. All of us but Daddy. Daddy was perfectly aware of how troubled Heath was and the pain that sheared into his heart. Daddy’s eyes were full of sympathy and compassion, though Heath was utterly oblivious to it.

  We passed another new holiday for me. I learned about Thanksgiving for the first time. At school we studied the Pilgrims and Indians and how they gave thanks for what they had and shared what they had in common. If only Heath had brought that message home, maybe he would have smiled at our Thanksgiving feast. Even Daddy managed to enjoy the holiday a little. Maybe it was because it was all new to him and not something he had shared before with Momma.

  “This was a fine meal, Opal,” he said, then sat back in his chair to light his pipe.

  Opal had made a feast fit for kings. I’d helped her cook a little, but what thrilled me most was that she allowed me to bake an apple pie by myself. I had watched Momma for years; I knew the recipe by heart. Daddy was amazed that it tasted just like hers. Instead of being saddened by it, it brought a smile to his face. Then he got the idea to bring Momma a piece. Her appetite was better, and she’d gained some weight back, Daddy told me. That was mostly due to Opal’s good cooking and unwavering dedication. If he hadn’t had Opal to tend to so many of Momma’s personal needs, I don’t know what Daddy would have done.

  “Can I go with you, Daddy?”

  I hadn’t seen Momma in weeks. I’d respected Daddy’s wishes and stayed away. It was hard on nights when Daddy was up in the tower and she was calling for him. All I could do was cry myself to sleep.

  “Okay, Lillian, you can come with me.”

  I sliced Momma her piece of pie, and Opal handed me a plate, then said with concern, “Don’t stay too long.”

  “I won’t.”

  The pie was still warm from sitting on top of the stove. Daddy pulled the key from his pocket, sighed heavily, and opened the door. Momma was in a deep sleep. Daddy had to shake her little to wake her. When her eyes opened, it took her a moment to focus on Daddy.

  “Sit up, Amelia; Lillian made you some pie.” I moved closer. Daddy lifted her into a sitting position.

  “Garrett, what day is it?” she asked in a sleepy voice. Daddy gulped hard, not knowing what world she was in.

  “It’s Thursday, Amelia. It’s Thanksgiving. Lillian has the piece of pie for you. Are you hungry, my darling?”

  She stared at him with blank yes. It wasn’t going as well as Daddy had hoped.

  “I think it would be better if you go, Lillian,” he said.

  My heart sank. She was never going to change. Daddy needed to accept it and allow me to have whatever there was for Momma to offer.

  “I won’t listen to anything she says, I promise,” I said, trying desperately not to cry. I wanted him to see I was mature enough to handle Momma.

  “I just can’t,” he said, shaking his head.

  I put my hand on his shoulder. He placed his hand on mine, then said, “Not yet, Lillian.”

  I couldn’t imagine what was holding him back, what he feared from all of Momma’s gibberish.

  Daddy took the pie and set it down, then came and hugged me before I left him alone with her.

  “In time, Lillian. Be patient.” I reluctantly agreed.

  It was Edward’s turn to man the tower, so I knew Da
ddy would be staying with Momma for the rest of the night. I went back to help Opal clean up after supper. Ayden was in the lighthouse with his father, and Heath was returning from the well with a bucket full of water. When he saw me, he left to go to stoke the fire.

  “I can do this. Why don’t you go talk with Heath?” Opal said.

  “He doesn’t want to talk with me,” I said sadly.

  “Whatever happened between you two, Heath will forget and forgive. He is a sensitive soul. Sometimes too sensitive and thin-skinned. Don’t give up on him, Lillian. You are good for him. Though you are years younger, in many ways, you are also years ahead of Heath. And you two are more alike than different.”

  “Ever since Clara—” I mumbled and lowered my head.

  Opal made me turn and face her then lifted my chin. “Look at me.” I looked deep into her eyes. “Heath is a young man now; he is beginning to see the world differently. His priorities have changed. He no longer wants to play the same way you and Ayden do. It’s natural; it’s the way God intends it to be. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t value you as a person and a friend.”

  “But it all happened so fast, practically overnight,” I cried.

  “I know, Lillian. And it will for you. In a few years, you will understand what I am telling you.”

  This wasn’t all new to me. Momma had revealed many details about men to me. Some fascinated me, while what Daddy warned left me frightened to death. Opal’s advice was somewhere in the middle. I did as she suggested and went to Heath. She gave me the courage to face his resentment towards me. I did it because I loved him, as a friend and as a young man who I thought would make a wonderful husband for me someday—someday, when I had blossomed from a little girl into a beautiful young lady, just as Clara had been. Then Heath’s eyes would light up when he saw me; his eyes would linger on my bosom the same way they did with Clara.

  Heath had just finished putting another log on the fire when he noticed me.

  “Please, don’t leave. Please listen for one minute,” I begged. I approached him and took hold of his hands. He refused to meet my eyes.