An Alien's Guide to the Human Species

by Deb McEwan

  ‘Wonder what’s going on this weekend then?’ Asked Di.

  It didn’t take them long to find out. Another stag party entered the bar. They all had t-shirts with Dave’s Stags written on them and Dave’s t-shirt said last night of freedom on the back.

  Di nodded towards the lads. ‘A lot of thought went into those t-shirts then girls.’

  ‘Pot calling kettle black, Di.’ Said Caroline. ‘Look in the mirror.’

  Di pulled a face and one of the guys approached them. ‘Are you in the volleyball tournament, girls?’

  ‘Yeah, that’s why her sash says bride to be and she’s wearing a veil.’

  He was either too drunk to notice or just decided to ignore Karen’s sarcasm. ‘I like beach volleyball I do, watching I mean, not playing. Any of you play beach volleyball, girls?’

  ‘Yeah, we’re Olympic Champions.’ Di’s go at the sarcasm.

  ‘OK, no need to be funny, want to join us?’

  So Caroline’s party joined Dave’s party for a while.

  Max and the team were getting some really good footage of the girls. He’d filmed Sue and Karen chatting to Dave earlier and wondered why they looked so shifty. He didn’t have time to amplify the sound now to listen to the conversation, but would do that the following day. Max had noticed the changes in behaviour as the night wore on and he put it down to alcohol consumption. When he’d first seen the effects of alcohol he’d thought that Phil was very ill and was shocked that although suffering the morning after drinking lots, it didn’t stop him doing exactly the same over and over again. Now all the girls were on the dance floor and Caroline’s so called friends were encouraging her to remove her clothes. Max was relieved to see that she declined, even though she’d had lots to drink.

  As he panned his camera around the bar, Max noticed one of the stag party standing by the girls drinks. The man took something out of his pocket, had a quick look round and put what looked like a tablet into the drink. He gave the drink a quick shake. Before the man had a chance to move, Max fired a length of strong spider string at the glass. It shattered and the contents spilled over the man, soaking his trousers and part of his shirt.

  ‘What the hell.’ Jim couldn’t believe what had just happened and tried wiping down his front to no avail.

  ‘What happened?’ Asked Karen. The song finished, the girls wanted a quick drink before getting back on the dance floor and she wasn’t impressed that someone had spilled her drink.

  ‘It just shattered.’ Jim said, pointing at the remains of the glass. ‘I was nowhere near it.’

  ‘Course you weren’t, love.’ Karen turned to face her mates.

  ‘Look, let me get you another. I’ll just clean myself up first.’ Jim made a move to the gents but Karen called after him not to bother. She didn’t like the look of him.

  A few hours later and Caroline was really starting to feel the effects of too much drink. Karen said it was time to sample different shots. Somewhere in her deep sub-conscious mind, Caroline knew that this probably wasn’t a great idea. Her conscious mind told her it was her hen night and she should let her hair down for once. Plenty of time to calm down when she started her teaching job in the autumn.

  ’10 Flaming Sambukas please, Marco.’ Karen had to shout to be heard by the barman over the noise of the music.

  The drinks lined up. Di gave the orders. ‘Right, girls, on the count of three. One, two, three…’

  The glasses lifted and they all blew out the flame before downing their shots in one. All of them that is except Liz. The drinks finished and Liz started screaming. Well, it would have been a scream if she could have opened her mouth wide enough to do so. Her lips had already started to swell and she was trying to say something but sounded as if her mouth had been numbed by a dentist’s needle.

  ‘Stupid idiot forgot to blow out the flame!’ Di was bent over in hysterics by this stage. Liz was in pain but could still see the funny side and Carla laughed so much she had to cross her legs so she didn’t wet herself. It may already have been too late for Karen who was doubled up and running to the loo, trying to get there before the inevitable happened.

  Marco gave Liz a glass filled with ice, but her swollen lips already looked as if she’d overdone the cosmetic surgery.

  All the girls were pretty far gone by this stage and decided to call it a night.

  *****

  Sue crept to the door and opened it, letting Dave in.

  ‘Good to go?’ Dave said as he walked into the room.

  ‘SSssh, don’t make any noise or you’ll wake her.’

  Caroline turned over and faced the window. She was wide awake but pretending to be asleep, intrigued at the wind-up her friends had planned.

  ‘Right, get your kit off and put a towel around your waist. Act like you’ve just had a shower when you wake her up. I’ll come back in 5 minutes and act surprised to see you.’

  Caroline had heard enough. ‘Morning, guys, nice try but unlucky.’ She turned to face them.

  ‘Bye, Dave. Have a good life.’

  ‘It wasn’t my idea.’ Dave said as he left the room and Sue thought he was a spineless git.

  ‘Was that the best you could do?’ Caroline asked and thought Sue looked like a child who’d been caught with her hand in the sweetie jar.

  ‘Well?’ Caroline’s head was thumping and she wasn’t in the mood for any more waffle.

  ‘It’s your hen weekend and we wanted to make it memorable.’ Sue realised how pathetic this sounded but it had seemed like a good idea at the time.

  ‘Let me guess. You and Karen thought it’d be a good idea for me to think I’d slept with Dave? Bloody hilarious Sue! For God’s sake, this is what you do to your friends!’ Caroline threw a pillow at Sue.

  ‘Do you know me at all?’

  Sue tilted her head but said nothing.

  ‘Do you really think if I’d risk losing Phil, I’d do it with someone like Dave?’

  Sue conceded that Caroline had a fair point.

  ‘OK, I’m sorry. It was meant to be a joke, that’s all. Something that you could tell your kids in years to come.’

  Caroline sat on the bed and put her head in her hands. ‘I’m going for a shower then you can take me for a slap up breakfast. That’s not the last of this though, Sue.’

  Sue didn’t have a chance to reply as Caroline went to the bathroom and closed the door.

  Clean and in fresh clothes, Caroline felt slightly better and was now more than ready for a strong coffee and some food. It would either kill or cure, hopefully the latter.

  Following a lazy breakfast, the girls went back to their rooms to pack. None of them had much appetite for another heavy boozing session and it wasn’t long before they had to make their way back to the ferry for the overnight trip to Newcastle.

  *****

  Three weeks later and Phil and his friends were ready for his stag weekend. The boys had also decided on Amsterdam but this trip was a little different. And boys will be boys.

  Clive volunteered to go to Amsterdam again and Max was happy to give him the chance to prove himself without supervision. Remembering how busy it’d been with Caroline and her party, Max gave Clive a team of 4 Cavaliers. He also sent Julian to keep an eye on things. Julian had asked Gary if he fancied the trip. Gary was tempted but although he’d managed to go outside without adverse side effects, he didn’t yet feel ready for a long trip, especially abroad. He was also trying to be self-sufficient and wanted to prove to himself that he could manage without Julian for a few days.

  The spiders planned to travel in the hand luggage but wanted to ensure they got out before the bags went through the x-rays at airport security, either side. They weren’t sure if the x-ray machines would have an adverse affect on their health.

  Phil’s brother Sam was back from Australia. He’d arranged some business in the UK to coincide with his brother’s stag do and would fly back for the wedding a few months later. Sam acted like a surfer bum but was an astute busines
sman and successfully ran his own internet dating business down under.

  Sam, Phil and six of Phil’s best rugby team mates would fly to Amsterdam, planning to arrive at Schiphol airport on the Thursday night. Although the flights had been booked for a while, Sam discovered that nobody had booked a hotel. There was a technology exhibition on that weekend and not many rooms available so all he’d been able to get was a budget hotel on the outskirts of the red light district. They were lucky to get these rooms - another stag party had cancelled as that particular groom had had second thoughts.

  The airport was buzzing and by the time they got to their hotel it was nearly midnight. They dumped their bags in their rooms.

  ‘I knew it said budget Sam but this is taking the mick.’ The room was clean enough but was pretty basic. There was just enough room in the shower if the occupant stood still when washing and only one person could fit in the bathroom at a time. As they tried to find room for their clothes in the small wardrobe Sam asked his brother.

  ‘What’s the score with Jase then. Is he?’

  Jase was one of Phil’s rugby mates and part of the stag party. All the guys suspected he was gay but none of them wanted to ask him outright.

  ‘Think so but he’s not out. What do you think?’

  ‘Thought he was going out with one of Caroline’s mates.’ Sam hoped the relationship between Karen and Jase was purely platonic for his own reasons.

  ‘Nah, they’re just friends according to Caroline. They do a lot of shopping together so I’m not sure if he likes to dress up as well.’

  ‘So haven’t any of you asked him?’

  Phil stopped what he was doing and looked at his brother. ‘So we’re in the club having a beer or in the changing room after a match and one of us says. ‘So Jase, you gay or what?’ Then Jase says ‘Ooooh, my secret’s out, hope it’s OK with you guys.’

  Get real, Sam. He’ll deal with it when he’s ready.’

  ‘Fair enough, you ready or what?’

  They locked their door and made their way to the hotel lobby to meet the others.

  Phil and his friends had a quiet night on their first night in Amsterdam but started drinking lots the following day.

  They’d had a good laugh so far. Phil and Sam hadn’t seen each other for two years and had gone off on their own for a proper catch up. Jase and Tiny had gone to do a bit of shopping. Tiny promised Carla he’d take her back a nice present and Jase said he’d try and help him find something suitable. Bri, Steve, Fish and Mal had started on the booze straight after breakfast. By the time Phil and Sam met up with them for some lunch they were the worse for wear, except Fish who could drink like one hence his nickname.

  Lunch watered down the booze a bit and Jase and Tiny entered the eatery just as the others were getting ready to pay the bill.

  ‘I got her this.’ Tiny lifted a designer basque out of a small carrier bag and thumbed towards Jase. ‘But he said that was more for me than Carla. So he made me buy this as well.’ It was hard to believe that Jase could make Tiny do anything. The big prop forward was taller than Phil and was built like a bus, a solid bus. Jase on the other hand played at scrum half and although strong, was a lot smaller.

  Tiny showed his mates a lovely gold necklace encrusted with white sapphires. He received whistles and nods of approval from them all. Tiny put the lingerie back in their room and kept the necklace on him. It was unlikely that anyone would try to take it from him; the only trouble he’d had in the past was when small blokes had drunk too much and wanted to prove a point by having a go and picking a fight. They’d always picked up second prize and Tiny had never gone home the worse for wear.

  The afternoon turned into evening and then night and the guys were looking for their next bar. They always complained about karaoke nights when their girlfriends threatened to make them go. In Phil’s book karaoke was second only to Caroline making him go to Ikea during a weekend – strictly off limits. Jase was the only one who enjoyed karaoke and it showed how much alcohol had already been consumed when Jase convinced them that karaoke was a good idea. Mack the Knife was his song of choice and Jase actually had a passably good voice. Despite having drunk a lot and Jase urging them on, the other guys refused to sing. They had a good laugh though taking the mickey out of other singers including Jase. Before leaving, the bar manager made them promise to pop in for a few drinks the following night but didn’t really expect to see them again.

  It was Clive’s first experience of Karaoke where people who don’t sing professionally, some of whom are dreadful singers, drink a lot of alcohol and convince themselves and others that they are good singers. Clive thought himself quite savvy and believed it was a cheap alternative for the bar owners who would have to pay professional singers if they wanted them to perform.

  The stag party made their way back to the hotel, happily drunk but not totally wasted. They were saving that for the following night.

  Saturday night and the stag party were getting ready for their big night out. They’d arranged to meet in the hotel lobby and Bri and Steve were first down, their costumes drawing amused looks from the people in the lobby. Bri was dressed in a bright blue tightly fitting satin dress and high heeled shoes. His wavy blonde wig, handbag and badly made-up face complimented the look. Steve’s dress was a similar style to Bri’s only in maroon, his wig was brunette and make-up very loud. His heels hung over the back of his high-heeled sandals. Bri and Steve wolf-whistled Tiny and Jase when they walked down the stairs. Tiny was dressed as a school girl with pigtails, a piece of grey material that had been made into a mini-skirt and a low cut white shirt that showed ample false cleavage. His look was finished with knee length socks and a pair of trainers. There was no way that Tiny could get hold of ladies shoes for his massive size 14 feet. Jase had talked Tiny into giving him the basque that was originally meant for Carla. He’d cut part of the sides and the laces at the front were stretched to their maximum capacity. With his thigh-length boots, long black wig, bull whip and mask, Jase looked like some sort of dominatrix character. Fish and Mal had followed Tiny’s lead with a slightly different variation on the school-girl theme and Sam and Phil arrived last. They were both dressed in mankinis and had thankfully shaved in all the right places before donning their costumes.

  Clive couldn’t understand why lots of men from this part of the world liked to dress as women when fancy dress was the order of the day. He tried not to confuse them with the transvestites who dressed as the opposite sex, sometimes for entertainment and sometimes as a preference.

  It was harder for the spiders to hide with the men than it had been for Max and his team to hide with the women. Despite dressing as women, the men didn’t carry large handbags with lots of hiding places and Clive and his team had to hide in coat collars or pockets and be prepared to move at very short notice, depending on the movement of the garment owner.

  The lads had a few drinks in the hotel bar before hitting the streets. The city was buzzing and they went into the karaoke bar to see the previous night’s bar manager. They were all well on their way by this stage and Jase took advantage of everyone’s good mood and got them all up to sing.

  ‘For your entertainment this evening folks.’ Said the DJ. ‘We have Phil’s stags singing I Will Survive. The guys reluctantly stood and made their way to the stage.

  ‘I don’t believe you’ve got us singing effing I Will Survive.’ Said Sam. ‘The teenage girls’ anthem.’

  Julian turned to Clive. ‘This song is often sung at karaoke evenings.’

  ‘And?’ Clive waited patiently.

  ‘People believe it’s a discovery of personal strength following a heartbreaking breakup.’ Julian was in full flow now.

  ‘Ironically, it’s often sung emotionally by young women who haven’t experienced the feelings that the song describes.’

  ‘How do you know all that?’ Clive thought Julian quite macho and hadn’t imagined he’d know the meaning behind song lyrics.

  ‘Gary told
me. Come on, we’ve got work to do.’

  Phil and his mates acted the part and although their singing was rubbish the crowd enjoyed the performance. Phil wanted to move on and they had to drag Jase out of the bar, he would have been happy to stay there all night and the crowd loved his rendition of I’m too Sexy for my Shirt, along with all the actions.

  The spiders were enjoying the entertainment, so much so that Clive had to reprimand them and remind them that they were there to work and not on a vacation. They stopped mucking about, remembered they had a job to do and upped their game.

  ‘Right, time for some action boys, follow me.’ Tiny led the way into the red light district. ‘Make way for this man’s last act of freedom.’ Tiny shouted to the crowds as they made their way to the red light district and the other revellers shifted good-heartedly.

  They walked along the street and admired or grinned at the bored looking girls in the windows. ‘Which one you going for then Phil?’ Asked Fish. Phil looked at all his mates. ‘You are having a laugh aren’t you, I’m not going with any of them.’

  ‘It’s got to be done mate.’ Said Tiny. ‘Last act of freedom and all that.’

  ‘The point is that I’m marrying Caroline and I don’t want to jeopardize what we’ve got.’

  Mal clasped his hands together in front of him and shook his shoulders from side to side, trying to look coy.