An Alien's Guide to the Human Species

by Deb McEwan

  ‘Aw that’s so sweet.’ This got a slap from Phil. ‘But seriously mate. Don’t you fancy having one last fling?’ Mal couldn’t imagine being with the same woman for the rest of his life.

  Phil refused to buckle to peer pressure. ‘Look, I know it’s hard for a stud like you to understand but I’m not interested OK.’

  ‘No worries, let’s just have a look and find a bar.’ They all followed Sam along the street. As they walked, they were propositioned by various girls, their pimps keeping a discreet distance in case of trouble.

  It took a while to find a place that wasn’t too heaving and they eventually entered a bar disco and carried on drinking. A few hours later and they were drunk enough to think that they danced like Michael Jackson at his best. They looked more like the male audience of a 1970s Top of the Pops show. Jase was the only exception who did a good impersonation of John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever.

  The early hours came and they were all the worse for wear. When Phil was in the toilet all the guys agreed to Tiny’s idea of setting him up with a lady. And so approximately 4 hours later Phil woke up in a strange bed with a strange lady who told him they’d done the deed.

  Clive had filmed the entire incident and knew this wasn’t true.

  Phil got out of there as quickly as he could and bumped into Sam outside the building. They were soon joined by the other stags.

  Phil rubbed his face with both hands.

  ‘What the hell have I done? How can I face Caroline after this, I’ll have to call off the wedding.’

  He shook his head and looked distraught. Now they were all sober, it didn’t seem funny like it had the night before and Phil’s brother and friends remained quiet.

  ‘I’m going to call her now and let her know. This is an absolute disaster.’ Phil walked off shoulders slumped.

  ‘C’mon. We need to tell him. You do it, Tiny, he’s less likely to punch you.’ Said Sam.

  ‘You’re having a laugh, mate. The mood he’s in he’ll punch all of us.’

  ‘Hang on a minute.’ Sam shouted and they caught him up.

  ‘Look it was meant as a joke, you know a bit of fun on your stag night.’ Sam could see that Phil wasn’t amused, but persevered.

  ‘It was either that or handcuff you to a pole naked outside a police station.’

  He punched Phil gently in the arm.

  ‘It’s OK.’

  ‘At least I’d still be able to marry Caroline if you’d done that. Call yourselves mates?’

  Tiny stepped in.

  ‘Look, mate, do we need to draw you a picture? YOU DIDN’T DO ANYTHING, WE SET YOU UP.’

  The penny dropped and instead of Phil getting punchy, he sat on the floor thinking for a moment. They all waited and he eventually stood up

  ‘Well thank God I’m still chaste.’ Phil put his hands on his heart, blinked his eyes in an attempt to look coy and did a little twirl.

  ‘You lot are a bunch of muppets, but I can still marry Caroline as long as she doesn’t find out.’

  ‘God, you’ve got it bad mate.’ Fish shook his head.

  ‘That’s why I’m marrying her you numpty. Guys, we keep this to ourselves. Even though nothing happened I’m not sure Caroline would be too chuffed knowing I shared a bed with another woman.’

  ‘What happens in Amsterdam stays in Amsterdam.’ Said Mal and they all agreed not to say another word about Stag-gate.

  Clive didn’t think keeping secrets from each other was a good way to start a life-long relationship but didn’t expect they’d ask his opinion. Along with his team, he prepared for the journey back to Graylesford.

  Chapter 5

  Arrangements were well underway for the extravaganza that was to be Caroline and Phil’s wedding. Both sets of parents had saved for years to help with the cost of their childrens’ education and also to pay for a future wedding. They agreed to split the cost of the wedding 50:50.

  Caroline and Phil were at her parents’ house, in Caroline’s old bedroom that had been converted into a study. There was a futon in the corner of the room for the occasional night when Caroline wanted to stay over.

  Vicky had sneaked into one of the many side pockets of Caroline’s bag. She was moving the last clump of dried up mascara that had got onto her leg, and getting ready to film.

  ‘Where shall we have the wedding?’ Caroline was surfing the internet looking at two or three locations that she liked. Phil was drinking a cuppa.

  ‘Shall I arrange to go and look at all three places?’

  Phil looked at the locations. I like this one. ‘He pointed to Capgate Lodge.’

  ‘Oh. I like this one.’ Caroline pointed to Mursholme Hall.

  ‘Why don’t we call them first and get a rough idea of the price and go for the cheaper option?’ Phil was sure both families wouldn’t want them to waste time on places they couldn’t afford. He finished his tea and put down the cup.

  ‘Let’s go and show your parents and see what they think.’

  They went downstairs to show Jean and Martin and explained their difference of opinion.

  ‘Are you sure you two want to get married when you can’t even agree on the location?’ Jean looked from one to the other.

  ‘What? That’s awful, Mam.’ Caroline said. Her father wasn’t amused either.

  ‘For God’s sake, Jean, they’re allowed to like different things, that’s not a show stopper.’ He took a deep breath and carried on quietly. ‘You can be so spiteful at times.’

  Caroline’s mother had upset her but she wasn’t going to let it spoil her fun planning their special day. Her parents drove her nuts at times and it looked like a big row was brewing. ‘Mam, this is about me and Phil so can you just try to be a bit nicer please and accept that we’re happy?’

  Her mother sulked like a scalded child and Martin used the disagreement as an excuse to get out of the house.

  Caroline turned to her fiancé. ‘Phil, come and have another look at these.’

  They decided on Mursholme Hall which was the stately home of the Earl of Mursholme. The Earl was descended from English nobility and his ancestors had been rich land owners. They had also prospered during the industrial revolution and had owned a number of factories and employed thousands of men. Those were the heady days before his grandfather had made unwise business decisions and his father had gambled away the rest of his inheritance. Luckily he had died before gambling away the Hall. The Earl and his family lived in a small wing of Mursholme Hall and rented the rest of their home out for weddings, parties and any other function that would help pay the bills. The Earl was astute and had obtained a licence to carry out wedding ceremonies. This made it an attractive option for commoners who wanted to be married by the nobility.

  During their research the spiders had discovered that nobility was a very high social class distinguished by their ranks such as Earl, Countess, Lord or Lady. They were either very rich or had rich ancestors and were also very posh and generally better spoken that the non-nobility people who were known as commoners. They’d also observed that a large number of noblemen wore red trousers and that many of the ladies wore headscarves and a string of pearls round their necks.

  The Earl of Mursholme was perfectly charming and Caroline fell in love with his home. Set deep in the countryside with large beautifully kept gardens, and stunning views of the English countryside from all rooms. The bridal suite had a king size four poster bed and was tastefully furnished. Like the rest of the hall it had been refurbished but had not lost any of its traditional English grandeur. In addition to the bridal suite there were 12 en-suite bedrooms; ideal for close family, bridesmaids and a few friends to stay the night of the wedding.

  The Earl had checked his diary and the hall was free for the following 15th August. Caroline was overjoyed. They decided to walk around the grounds prior to leaving.

  ‘That’s the venue sorted, Phil. We’ve only got to decide on menus, flowers and the Service and they can be ticked off the list too.’


  Phil was beginning to think that their wedding was getting bigger than the last Royal wedding and he was starting to feel like a mere extra in the latest Hollywood blockbuster.

  ‘Oh what sort of service do you think we should have? Any ideas?’ Caroline tapped the top of her pen on her bottom teeth as she looked at the list in her notebook.

  ‘Humanist, civil ceremony or religious. We don’t really want any religion do we? What do you think?’

  Phil strummed his fingers against his thigh. ‘Can’t we have one where they ask us if we do and we just say yes?’ He just wanted to get married and wasn’t particularly bothered about the whistles and bells.

  Now that Caroline had found her Prince Charming, she wanted the whole nine yards and was so looking forward to her perfect day. She flipped.

  ‘Just say yes! For God’s sake, Phil, this is the most important day of our lives and you just want to say yes. It’s obviously not that important to you, I don’t even know if you really want to marry me!’

  Caroline threw the book and pen to the floor and ran off crying, down the gravel path and concrete steps into the sunken garden. Phil watched her go for a few seconds.

  ‘Damn!’ He muttered to himself. ‘Caroline, come back. Please?’

  He sprinted after her and grabbed her arm.

  ‘I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.’ He put his arms around her and gently stroked her hair.

  ‘I love you sweetheart and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. All I was trying to say is that a piece of paper doesn’t alter that. I’ll love you forever with or without a wedding certificate.’

  Caroline gulped between sobs. ‘Really?’

  ‘Of course really.’

  ‘But I’ve wanted the whole works since I’ve been a little girl, Phil. I know it’s daft but I’m so looking forward to being your princess for the day.’

  The tears over she did a little twirl and curtsied.

  Phil was surprised that Caroline felt this way, but now that he knew he’d go along with anything she wanted, within reason anyway.

  ‘Right, let’s go and find the notebook, look at the list and see what we’ve got to do next princess.’

  ‘There’s the guest list, invitations, the present list and the cars. I take it Sam’s going to be your Best Man?’ Caroline didn’t wait for an answer. ‘I need to confirm my bridesmaids and we need to decide on food, get the outfits sorted, flowers and of course there’s the honeymoon. And that’s just off the top of my head.’ Caroline was soon back into planning mode and loving it.

  ‘I know how much you want this to be perfect, darling, so why don’t we take the advice of the Countess and hire a Wedding Planner. We’ll still make the decisions but she’ll do the hard work for us.’

  Caroline agreed with Phil. ‘But can our parents afford it?’

  ‘Don’t worry about that. I’ve been saving for a while and I’ll pay for the planner and sort the honeymoon. Don’t you worry about either of those sweetheart. And I’ll talk to the Earl and Countess and sort out the flowers here.’

  He was rewarded with a big kiss and they walked hand-in-hand back to the car. Phil was thinking that it was going to feel like a long time before the wedding of the century.

  Through research Max knew that weddings in this part of the world hadn’t always been such extravagant affairs. He wanted to give the Terries evidence of this so decided to travel back to where his regiment had first landed. He decided to discuss the mission with Vicky who was singing in the garden and enjoying the lovely weather.

  ‘Hi, Vic. I’ve got a perfect mission for Piers.’ Max waited for the sky to fall.

  ‘You have got to be kidding.’ Vicky stopped singing ‘You can’t send Piers on a proper mission. The poor soul just couldn’t cope.’

  ‘I haven’t even told you what the mission is.’ Max laughed.

  ‘I don’t need to know. I just know you can’t send Piers.’ Vicky pulled up a piece of grass and split it. ‘And stop laughing, it’s not funny.’ Vicky hadn’t a clue what was going on but Max’s excitement was infectious and she started giggling despite herself.

  Max explained that a platoon size team would deploy to the 1940s and film the wedding of Algernon and his sweetheart Mavis, the couple he’d filmed in the pub when they’d first landed on Earth. Vicky was still concerned about the involvement of Piers. He’d been one of the first spiders subjected to the Terries Earth language training techniques. Unfortunately for Piers, the Terries had not mastered the techniques and he’d been permanently damaged. He could no longer understand Phoenix spider language and could only communicate in mid-20th century BBC Presenter speak. Back then Piers had lost confidence in himself, had low self-esteem and was frightened of crowds and loud noises. Max had gradually brought him out of his shell and Piers could almost live a normal life. Vicky was concerned that a stressful mission might have a detrimental effect on his rehabilitation thus far. But Max had made his mind up.

  They prepared for take off.

  ‘Chocks away chappies. Toodle pip terra firma.’ Piers remarked as the pod flew into space.

  ‘I say men, no bandits up this high, what.’ Piers guffawed and Max could see that he was already starting to irritate some of the platoon.

  ‘I say Piers. Do pipe down old bean and try to get some shut-eye.’ Max had learnt the lingo for Piers to have at least one spider to communicate with.

  ‘Righty O old chap. Cheerio.’ Piers was sleeping within seconds.

  *****

  It was England during World War II. Squadron Leader Algernon Cavendish-Masters, known as Algy to his friends, was about to marry his sweetheart, the most beautiful woman on Earth. His Wing Commander had given the young pilot 48 hours leave for the event and Algy was waiting at the Registry Office for his darling Mavis. They’d met in the canteen where Mavis worked 4 months earlier, and Algy would never forget her first words to him. Cuppa tea love? He fell for her and he also fell for her cheeky cockney accent. The feelings were reciprocated and on the rare occasions when Algy had time off from flying, they were inseparable.

  One hot steamy night before Algy was due to go off and risk his life against the hated enemy, Mavis had decided to give him something to remember her by. This had resulted in Mavis becoming pregnant. Algy was over the moon but knew Mummy and Daddy would be mortified if he brought an illegitimate child into the world, and they wouldn’t have anything to do with the child. Mummy would be devastated that he was involved with a commoner anyway but Algy adored Mavis and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. He suspected that Daddy would be enchanted by Mavis and wish them nothing but happiness.

  Mavis was relieved that Algy wanted to stand by her; he’d told her that some of his contemporaries were absolute bounders but that she could be assured of his utter devotion. He went down on one knee and proposed to her in the middle of the Royal Oak to loud and boisterous cheers and clapping from the other customers.

  It was customary for gentlemen to request permission from the lady’s father to marry. However, Algy didn’t need to do this as Mavis’s parents had died in an air raid.

  ‘Should I speak to an Uncle or perhaps your Grandfather darling?’ Algy wanted to reassure her family that he would look after Mavis properly. And, should he cop it doing his job, that she would be financially sound without him.

  ‘Oh, Algy, you are funny.’ She gave him a gentle push. Mavis adored her posh fiancé.

  ‘All my male relatives are gone, there’s only me, Blanche and Auntie Eedie. Blanche’ll be over the moon for me and Auntie Eedie don’t know what’s happening from one day to the next poor love.’

  Algy sighed and squeezed Mavis’s hands.

  ‘Poor brave soul. When would you like to get married?’

  ‘Next month.’ Said a delighted Mavis and her stomach would still be flat.

  And so it was that Algy waited outside Biggin Hill Registry Office with his navigator and friend Bertie. They both looked perfectly dashing in their Air Forc
e uniforms. Bertie was one of the witnesses and Mavis’s sister Blanche the other. Mavis and Blanche turned the corner and headed for the Registry Office. The sight of his bride took Algy’s breath away and caused a stir in certain parts of his anatomy. She was adorned in a cream knee length tight-fitting dress that complimented her English Rose complexion. The bump wasn’t showing yet. The dress was made of parachute silk and Algy had no idea what the veil was made from but Mavis looked absolutely stunning. Blanche was dressed in a pink suit and she caught Bertie’s eye.

  The platoon of spiders had filmed everything without any hitches. Piers was in his element and felt he fitted perfectly into this era.

  Following the ceremony the small wedding party celebrated with half a pint of beer in the Royal Oak followed by fish and chips. They said their goodbyes after eating and Blanche agreed to have another drink with Bertie. Algy changed into his black blazer and red trousers before the newlyweds set off in his car to spend their wedding night in Brighton.

  *****

  Max radioed for his platoon to report to the pod ready to depart. He was keen to get back and prepare for the next major event, Caroline and Phil’s wedding. The platoon mustered and Vicky noticed that Piers was absent. The platoon were questioned and Junior said he’d last seen him at the Royal Oak, talking to a local. The spiders were allowed to converse with Earth spiders but not to give away any secrets. Max wasn’t overly worried and put the departure on hold while he and Vicky went to retrieve Piers. Outside the Royal Oak they masked up to avoid the smoke and entered the establishment. It didn’t take them long to find their silver colleague, talking to a smaller cute looking Earth spider. As they approached the female spider put a leg over one set of eyes and leaned towards Piers. He sidled up to his companion and gently covered her abdomen with one of his legs. They moved closer to each other.

  ‘Good grief.’ Said Vicky. ‘I don’t like the look of this.’

  Neither did Max but he’d reserve judgement until he’d talked to Piers.