An Alien's Guide to the Human Species

by Deb McEwan

  ‘Oh no, will he remember me when we get back.’

  Caroline leaned over to Phil. ‘Just when I thought he couldn’t be more upset. How are you going to make it better, Phil?’

  Phil winked at his wife. ‘But they never forget their best friends Jack. Elvis will miss you until you return.’

  ‘And me?’ Jemima wanted to know.

  Caroline thought a sweet temptation might be worth a try. ‘Kinder Egg you two?’

  ‘Please.’ Said Jack. ‘Yes please, Mam.’ Said Jemima. ‘But I still want to know whether Elvis will miss me?’

  ‘Of course he will sweetheart.’ Phil looked in the mirror and smiled at his daughter.

  ‘So what you said about Elvis forgetting about us isn’t quite right then, Dad?’ Jack was confused now.

  ‘Well, I’m sure we all agree that Elvis is a very special dog.’

  ‘I know, Dad. That’s why I’m going to miss him.’

  ‘Right. Do you want to stay with your grandparents and Elvis, and your mother and I will go away?’

  Phil wasn’t expecting Jack’s response. ‘OK then.’

  Jemima didn’t want to be left out. ‘Me too.’

  Caroline had had enough. ‘We’re going on holiday to Spain and Elvis is going on holiday to your grandparents. He’ll miss us and we’ll miss him but we’ll be able to tell him all about our holiday adventures when we get back. OK?’

  They all knew better than to argue and the journey continued with the family playing Eye Spy.

  *****

  Donna and Trevor were watching one of their special movies. Unfortunately, Trevor was going deaf and the television volume was always up high. The neighbours did wonder what the sucking noises and giggling was about but didn’t like to ask. Donna heard a car pull up.

  ‘Oh dear, they’re here already. Switch it off, switch it off!’ Trevor was absorbed in the movie and hadn’t heard his wife. The front door opened. ‘Hi, Mam, Dad, we’re here.’ Donna grabbed the remote and quickly pressed the off switch. She shoved the DVD cover into a drawer.’

  ‘Hello, darlings, lovely to see you. You’re early.’

  ‘Traffic was much better than we expected.’ Caroline kissed her mother-in-law. ‘How are you?’

  ‘Well you know, besides for my bad back, dodgy knees and migraines, not too bad actually.’

  Donna tapped her leg in the same way that Phil did. ‘Can’t complain though love.’

  ‘You seem a bit on edge, Donna. Is everything OK.’

  ‘Absolutely fine, love. I’ll put the kettle on shall I?’ In the kitchen Donna took a couple of deep breaths and composed herself. She made tea for the adults and cold drinks for the children and took them through to the lounge.

  ‘Come on, Elvis, look what I’ve got for you.’ Trevor held out a chewy stick for the dog. Elvis thought they couldn’t get round him that easily, but on the other hand, there was no point being churlish. He took the treat in his mouth and wagged his tail dutifully. Trevor patted him. ‘There’s a good boy, we’re going to get on fine.’

  As long as I can leave the room when you watch one of your special movies thought Elvis as he curled up on the mat in front of the fire.

  Jack’s goodbye to Elvis was very moving and brought tears to Caroline’s eyes. ‘Come on then, we better get off. We’ve got a plane to catch! Thanks again you guys.’ Phil said.

  ‘No worries, son.’ Said Trevor and Phil’s mother smiled at him.

  They waved goodbye to the family minus Elvis and closed the door when the car went round the corner.

  ‘That was a close one.’ Trevor nodded his head but didn’t seem too bothered. It would have been embarrassing of course but he’d wanted to tell Phil and Caroline about their little hobby for some time, the only thing that was stopping him was the reaction he knew he’d get from Donna.

  ‘Put the movie back on, love and I’ll make a fresh pot of tea.’ Trevor followed his wife’s instructions and Elvis went to lie down in the kitchen.

  Max. ‘The family pet now settled with Phil’s parents, off they went on their holiday to a lovely Spanish island.’

  Chapter 21

  There were the usual queues at the airport. Despite many pictorial signs and explanations at security showing what could and could not be taken through to the departure lounge, some people still acted surprised or were rude to the staff because they couldn’t take their family size shampoo or bottles of water onto the plane.

  They heard one man complain. ‘I’ve just paid a fortune for this bottle of water and now you want to take it off me. Effing terrorists, I don’t know what this country’s coming to.’

  The man was very frustrated and was winding himself up.

  ‘He swore, Dad.’ Jack whispered to his father. The big man looked a bit scary and Jack didn’t want to be overheard. ‘I thought that wasn’t allowed.’

  ‘It’s not, son. He’s annoyed because he’s wasted some money so try to ignore him.’ Phil wasn’t happy with the man’s bad language but decided not to approach him as he didn’t want to make the situation worse.

  The big man carried on chuntering and became more and more exasperated. He was beginning to worry a number of other travellers and large queues were forming behind him. Passengers were also leaving the queue to see what all the fuss was about and the security officials were trying to keep the situation under control. Some other passengers were getting annoyed at the extended wait.

  ‘Come on, man for God’s sake. Stop messing about we’ve all got a plane to catch.’ Said one man and a number of others agreed. The people in the queue were getting very restless.

  The security official was unable to placate the big man and it wasn’t long before two other members of staff came and encouraged the annoyed traveller to accompany them. Spontaneous clapping erupted from those in the queue behind him.

  The officials marched him to a door marked private. One of them opened the door while the other put on a pair of latex gloves.

  ‘What’s the gloves for, Dad?’ Jack asked his father.

  Caroline looked at Phil and shook her head.

  ‘They’re going to give his bag a good check in case he’s carrying something that he shouldn’t be. There might be really dirty stuff in his bag so they wear gloves so their hands don’t get too messy.’

  Made sense to Jack.

  They were soon through to the departure lounge and all ready to board their flight.

  There was an air of excitement amongst the spiders. Although used to inter-stellar travel, they’d only visited the UK whilst on Earth so this was a new adventure. It was also a poignant time for Clive and Geraldine, knowing that this would be their one and only visit to another country.

  Geraldine. ‘Human travel is still very basic compared to ours. But they’re willing to put up with it so that they can meet different people, get to know other cultures, enjoy the weather, and of course eat the different food.’

  Caroline sat with the children during the flight. Even though they’d flown before, they asked the usual questions.

  ‘Who lives in the clouds, Mam, is it Father Christmas?’

  ‘I think Father Christmas would probably fall if he tried to live in the clouds, Jemima.’

  ‘Robert Steele’s father told him that Elvis was in the clouds. I told him my dog couldn’t fly but he meant a guy who used to sing.’ Caroline ignored this remark from her son so Jack tried a different tack. ‘What would happen if the plane caught on fire, Mam?’

  Caroline resisted the urge to tell her son they would all die horrible deaths. ‘One of the cabin crew would put the fire out, Jack, the pilot would land the plane and we’d all get off in an orderly fashion.’

  ‘Can we have a MacDonalds Happy Meal when we get to Spain, Mam?’

  Geraldine. ‘Perhaps not eat different food then.’

  Phil was seated next to a man who had been given an extension to his seat belt. The man was squeezed tightly into his seat. His waist hung over the seat arms like a fat wo
bbly thigh bursting out of industrial strength spandex. His moobs rolled onto his belly and his belly rolled onto his legs. Phil sighed and thought it was going to be a long flight. He exchanged a few pleasantries with the man who seemed a decent sort, but Phil couldn’t help thinking that he’d got the way he was by eating too many pies. Not wanting to chat further, Phil closed his eyes and feigned sleep.

  Clive. ‘Phil’s aeroplane neighbour had a problem with eating too much food and not emptying his waste disposal unit, or exercising often enough.’

  They arrived at the hotel hot and tired. Jemima was being a madam and Caroline wanted to get everything organised so they could all relax as soon as possible. She took a moment to look at the view from the bungalow. The doors in the living area opened onto a patio with stunning views of trees to the side and the beach directly ahead. A wooden table and six chairs bedecked the patio and Caroline closed her eyes and smiled. She took in the feel of the sun on her face, the light warm breeze and the slightly tangy smell of salt on the air. The spell was broken by Jemima tugging on Caroline’s top.

  ‘Dad said to ask where the swimsuits are packed?’

  ‘OK, sweetheart. Let’s go and get them and try out that big water feature eh?’ Caroline pointed to the sea and laughed.

  Jemima looked at her mother for a second, turned round and marched back into the bungalow. Sometimes Jemima could make Caroline feel quite stupid.

  For the first four days everything was perfect. Hot sunny days followed by glorious sunsets. The animation staff wore the children out with various activities and both Jack and Jemima went to their beds exhausted and happy. Caroline and Phil were able to relax round the pool reading and knowing the children were having fun. They spent their nights on the patio watching the sun go down and discussing their hopes and dreams for the future.

  The children were in bed and Caroline and Phil were on the patio. Clive and Geraldine had stood down their teams and were also taking-in the atmosphere. Clive moved and accidentally touched Geraldine with one of his legs, the shock jolted both of them and Geraldine shuddered. With a silent understanding they moved to the side of the bungalow and made passionate love to the sound of the waves lapping against the shore. Geraldine looked at the sky once they were spent.

  ‘It’s like diamonds shining on a velvet blanket.’

  Clive murmured sweet nothings and stroked her abdomen. Life was perfect.

  Caroline felt ill on day five and started sneezing and shivering. Phil left her in bed and took the children for their buffet breakfast. He brought back a couple of bacon rolls for Caroline but all she could manage was a cup of tea.

  Storm clouds had gathered outside. The blue skies of the previous days turned to slate then almost black and the wind made the clouds look like a speeded up film. The heavy downpour stopped the children from playing outside. Jack opted to try table-tennis and the younger children had their faces painted and then voted to draw pictures. The animation team gave them paper and crayons and asked them to draw something from memory. Zinia from the animation team looked at the concentration on the faces of the children as she walked around the room. She was lucky with this lot. They were mostly well behaved pleasant kids. A few of them were too spoiled like Jemima Gibson who could be difficult at times, but she could also be charming and delightful. Zinia looked at Jemima’s drawing. ‘Ooh, Jemima, what have you drawn there?’

  Jemima tapped her crayon on the table.

  ‘That’s a crocodile, Zinia.’

  Zinia put her head to one side to get a better look at the picture. ‘Oh yes, I can see that now, of course it’s a crocodile. Is it eating its dinner?’

  ‘No.’ Said Jemima. ‘It’s eating my twin sister.’

  ‘That’s not a very nice thing to say, Jemima now is it?’

  ‘My twin sister was eaten by a crocodile when I was little but Mam and Dad don’t like to speak about it.’

  ‘Oh my God, you poor brave child.’ Zinia’s heart went out to the child and she hugged Jemima. She called over Louise, her boss. When she explained the drawing to Louise, Louise turned away so that Jemima wouldn’t see the tears forming. When she’d managed to compose herself, Louise bent down to talk to Jemima. ‘I think we’ll show this to your parents, Jemima. They can see what a clever little girl you are.’

  Jemima wasn’t happy. ‘No please don’t, I’ll get into trouble, please don’t say anything.’ Zinia and Louise were doing their best not to get upset in front of all the children, but it was such a sad thing to have happened and they didn’t want to ask Jemima any more about it, afraid they’d upset her further. ‘It’s OK sweetheart, we won’t say anything, you brave, brave girl.’

  ‘Can I have a lolly please?’ Glad that things were almost back to normal, Louise agreed and sent Zinia to get lollies for all the children.

  Geraldine. ‘Human children have very active imaginations when they’re young and often make up stories. Sometimes, they can be so convincing that people who don’t know the children well will believe these stories.’

  While the children were with the animation team, Phil decided to explore the local area.

  Phil had been for a walk into the town when the storm started and he took shelter in an Irish Bar. He ordered a pint of the dark stuff; he wasn’t overstruck on Guinness but was in an Irish Bar and felt obliged to drink it.

  ‘Do you think the first explorers in the Amazonian Rain Forests found an Irish Bar there?’ He asked the barman.

  ‘Probably, but they just served local beers and spirits.’ They laughed together and Phil found a seat where he could watch the motorbikes on the satellite TV.

  Clive. ‘Our research shows that it’s compulsory to have an Irish Bar in all holiday resorts. These bars are run by Irish and non-Irish people and not leprechauns. Despite what the barman said our studies have shown that there aren’t any Irish Bars in the Amazonian Rain Forests.’

  In between the heavy showers, Phil made his way back to the hotel and didn’t get too wet. Not the sort of person happy lying about all day, Caroline was up and about but wasn’t feeling great. She thought some fresh air might make her feel better and wanted to collect the children and also go to the shop to buy some cold remedy.

  They came out of the shop and Caroline felt listless and lacked energy. A familiar voice brought a smile to her face.

  ‘Mam, Dad, I want to join a table-tennis club when we get home.’ They were used to their son’s laid back enthusiasm when he tried anything new and wondered if this one would be a five minute wonder, or if like the karate, it would last a little while longer.

  ‘OK, Jack. We’ll have a look when we get home.’

  Jack grabbed his father’s hand and they headed for the kiddies club to collect Jemima.

  The children were finishing their end of session song and dance as the parents gathered ready to collect them. Following the circle of clapping by each child, Zinia and Louise said goodbye to the children and this was the signal for the parents to take over. They watched as Zinia and Louise made a big fuss of Jemima. ‘That’s my girl.’ Said Phil puffing up like a peacock. ‘She could charm the monkeys out of the trees that one.’

  Caroline smiled but wasn’t quite as enthusiastic as Phil. ‘I wonder what she’s been up to today?’

  ‘Why do you always use that tone of voice, as if she’s done something wrong?’ Phil knew that Caroline also adored Jemima, but couldn’t understand why she always thought Jemima was up to no good.

  ‘Speaking from experience, darling, she usually has. Shall we go see?’

  Louise approached the Gibsons and gripped Caroline’s forearm. She looked at her and Phil.

  ‘What a lovely, clever, little girl you have there. You should be really proud of her.’

  Caroline was slightly taken aback by Louise’s emotion.

  ‘Thank you very much, we are. But why, what’s she done today?’

  Louise didn’t want to cause undue upset to the family.

  ‘We’ve been drawing tod
ay and she’s been an inspiration. I’m sure Jemima will tell you all about it.’ Louise smiled the sort of sympathetic smile often seen at funerals and walked away to talk to some of the other parents.

  ‘How very peculiar.’ Said Phil as he went to get his daughter.

  ‘What did you draw today, my little princess?’ Jemima was delighted to see her parents and gave them both a big hug and kiss. She said hello to Jack but didn’t hug him.

  ‘We drawed animals, Daddy and Zinia and Louise really liked mine.’

  ‘Can we see your drawing, sweetheart?’ Caroline asked her daughter.

  ‘It got wet, Mam and we didn’t keep it.’

  ‘What sort of animals.’ Asked Phil.

  ‘Some that live in the water. Can I have a burger then ice-cream please?’

  Caroline nodded to Phil. It was obvious they weren’t going to get any more out of Jemima and the weather had improved so Phil took the children for burgers and ice-cream while Caroline went back to the bungalow to relax.

  *****

  Caroline still felt a bit rough the following day but was on the mend. She appreciated the concern of some of the animation team when they kept asking her how she was. To Caroline, this seemed totally over the top and she answered with a standard. OK thanks, a lot better now. Phil was also surprised at the level of concern and kindness but assumed they were very thoughtful, decent, caring people.

  The rest of the holiday passed like a dream and it was soon time to go home. The children said goodbye to the new friends they’d made and the parents said goodbye to the very entertaining animation team. Caroline got the funny look from Louise again and was tempted to talk to her about it but their airport transport arrived and the driver seemed to be in a hurry.

  The flight home was uneventful and they were soon rushing from the airport to their car in the dismal wet and miserable northern weather. Back to the gloomy grey world.

  Clive and Geraldine stayed in the car while the family went to get Elvis. They’d both had a brilliant time. ‘I never wanted this holiday to end.’ Clive put a leg over Geraldine and pulled her close.

  Geraldine smiled and nodded. ‘I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone, Clive and want us to be together forever. I’m so looking forward to starting a family with you when we return to Largo.’