An Alien's Guide to the Human Species

by Deb McEwan

  ‘Oh, my love, me too.’ He held her close and they stayed like that, enjoying the moment until the family returned to the car.

  The Gibsons were all looking forward to seeing Elvis but Jack was more excited than the others.

  ‘Will he have forgotten me, Dad?’ Jack was a little bit worried that Elvis wouldn’t want to come home.

  ‘I’m sure he’ll be fine.’ Phil smiled at his son.

  Donna opened the door and Jack ran straight into the kitchen. Elvis was lying in his basket pretending to be asleep but his tail started thumping wildly.

  ‘Yeah, Elvis.’ Shouted Jack as he ran over to his dog and hugged him. Elvis couldn’t pretend to be miffed any more and Jack’s excitement was contagious. He jumped up and barked then licked Jack’s face and hands. Jemima came into the kitchen and said hello and Elvis bestowed his love on her as well. He was more restrained with Phil and Caroline as he blamed them for sending him on holiday with Donna and Trevor.

  ‘How did you all get on?’ Caroline asked.

  ‘He was fine, love, no bother.’ Said Donna. ‘He’s a lovely animal. He doesn’t seem to like being in the living room when the telly’s on though.’

  ‘Oh, he’s not like that in our house.’ Said Phil. ‘Maybe he was missing us?’

  Hmms, and thoughtful expressions from all the adults. If Elvis could speak he would have told them it was because of what they were watching.

  ‘Nice cuppa tea?’ Donna asked.

  Phil read Caroline’s look. ‘No thanks, Mam, it’s getting late and we need to get unpacked. We’ll get the dog and his stuff and get on if you don’t mind.’

  ‘No worries, son.’ Said Trevor.

  Caroline starting digging in her holdall. ‘Nearly forgot, the kids have a little something for you.’ Jack and Jemima gave each of their grandparents a wrapped gift. Caroline had opted for the safe option so Donna opened a box containing her favourite perfume and Trevor one with special reserve brandy. Thanks were given and hugs exchanged and they all said their goodbyes.

  The car pulled up outside their house. It had been a fantastic holiday but it was always good to be home.

  ‘My god, spiders have been squatting while we’ve been away. Look at all these cobwebs.’ Caroline pulled one off the door. ‘Yuck, cleaning tomorrow I think.’

  Phil rolled his eyes at his wife as he dragged the final suitcase upstairs.

  *****

  In the Ops Room Clive and Geraldine handed the footage over to Max to check, then transmit to Largo.

  ‘I’m sure you and your teams have done a fantastic job.’ Said Max. ‘Go and rest for a while and meet me at…’ He looked at the clock on the wall. ‘Let’s say 1700 hrs when you can give me a full report of the holiday.’

  ‘Yes, Boss.’ Said Clive and did a mock salute.

  ‘You’ll also need to pack for Largo. There’s been a change and your transport’s been brought forward. You leave tomorrow morning.’

  He gave this a chance to sink in. ‘Vicky’s arranged a farewell dinner with your teams tonight.’

  Max was genuinely sad to see Clive and Geraldine leave the following day and it also caused him some manning problems.

  ‘Not sure who should take over from either of them. Mike’s camera work is coming on well and he has real potential, but he’s not experienced enough to command a team.’

  Vicky agreed. ‘Actually, Max, I don’t think there’s anyone senior or experienced enough in either team to command.’

  In the end Max decided to disband the teams and split them between Vicky’s Pink Eagles and Junior’s Brown Owls. This meant that there wouldn’t be a mobile team stationed permanently at the hospital; not an ideal situation but Max had to work with the resources he had. He also had to put his phobia busting ideas on hold until the Terries decided to send him more recruits.

  *****

  Max had been nervous about speaking to Elvis about the wedding. He was pleasantly surprised that the dog agreed straight away.

  ‘Look, you know I’m a dog not a man of the cloth or a Registrar?’

  ‘Of course.’ Said Max. ‘I’m not stupid.’

  ‘That’s fine then. I’m happy to carry out the ceremony as long as you all remember that it has no legal standing.’

  The family were shopping the following Saturday.

  Before Max and Vicky, and Julian and Gary solemnly read their vows and declared their everlasting love for each other, Max had a present for Vicky.

  ‘It’s absolutely beautiful, Max.’ She tried her hardest not to cry while Max carefully helped her on with her veil. It was made of shiny spider silk, not the strong Phoenix spider type, but the more delicate silk produced by Earth spiders.

  ‘Do you like it?’ Gary couldn’t resist the urge to ask.

  ‘Did you make it?’ Gary said that he hadn’t made it personally, but had commissioned some of his mates to do so.

  ‘Thank you so much.’ Vicky kissed Gary and he reddened.

  As promised, Elvis pronounced them husband and wife and husband and husband and after a short celebration, each couple went their separate ways to consummate their marriage. Vicky was the happiest she’d ever been and she knew Max felt the same. She thought Julian and Gary looked ecstatic as well.

  As Elvis was preparing to take a nap that evening, he chuckled to himself about the surreal day he’d had. If he told any other dogs about this they’d likely lock him up and throw away the key!

  Chapter 22

  Jack was now almost 10 years old and Jemima 6. It was the school summer holidays and raining again, not intermittent showers, but bucketfuls of heavy thick raindrops. The black skies signalled that there’d be no sunshine today. Jack and Jemima who loved to play outside were playing in the living room and watching a cartoon, both bored out of their brains.

  Caroline was trying her best to master a new recipe in the kitchen. The children were annoying each other and she went to sort them out.

  ‘We were playing and he hit me again, it hurt, Mam.’

  Caroline was sceptical as she knew how devious her daughter could be, but by the look of Jemima, something had really happened this time.

  ‘Jack, please don’t wind your sister up, I’m busy and relying on you to help me out, son.’ Caroline sighed. ‘If this happens again you’ll be grounded or I’ll stop your pocket money. Understand?’

  Jack knew his protests would fall on deaf ears so he nodded his head sulkily.

  ‘Can I play in my room?’ This would take him away from his witchy sister and out of trouble. ‘Can Sophie Byrne come over?’ As well as being Jack’s best friend, Sophie was a tomboy.

  Max. ‘Tomboys are girls who like doing things that boys like such as climbing trees and playing with cars. They don’t like playing with dolls and dressing up, like other little girls.’

  ‘If they’re back off holiday Sophie can come over and play, Jack.’

  ‘I want to play with Jack and Sophie.’ It hadn’t gone to plan for Jemima and she was not amused.

  ‘No, Jemima, you stay here with me.’

  When his mother left the room Jack was determined to get his own back.

  ‘I know you’re frightened of the dark and you don’t like creepy crawlies. I’m gonna get you when Mam and Dad are not about. I’m gonna lock you under the stairs with the insect monsters and they’ll crawl all over you and eat you up.’

  He left the room laughing before his pesky sister could cry wolf again.

  Jemima ran out to the kitchen in a strop.

  ‘Mam, Jack said he’s gonna lock me up with the creepy crawlies under the stairs and they’re gonna eat me. I’m scared. Jack’s horrible.’

  Jemima started crying and Caroline ignored her for a minute. Jemima could see her tricks weren’t going to work on her mother so she stopped crying. Trying another tack she folded her arms and shouted.

  ‘I’m bored.’

  Caroline could see trouble brewing and stopped what she was doing.

  ‘Shall we draw
for a little while or play on the Wii?’

  This satisfied Jemima for the time being and gave Caroline an excuse to stop the meal preparations and order a takeaway for dinner.

  Max. ‘It’s quite common for some siblings to annoy and dislike each other when they’re young but a lot of them grow out of this behaviour and become life-long friends as adults.’

  Jack and Sophie Byrne were playing on Jack’s Wii in his bedroom. Sophie had just won a game of virtual tennis. Jack didn’t mind losing to Sophie even though she was a girl, she was good at stuff. He remembered when Jason Phillips teased him after Sophie beat him at badminton. He hadn’t liked that but Jason hadn’t said anything since Sophie’d scored a goal against him when they were playing football.

  They took a break to see if the weather was good enough for them to play outside.

  ‘My parents treat me like a game of squash.’ Jack didn’t know what Sophie was on about.

  ‘What.’

  ‘Well, they both always want to win when they play squash but this time they both want to win me. They’re getting divorced.’ Sophie looked out of the window at nothing in particular.

  ‘Will you have to move far away and leave school?’ Jack didn’t want Sophie to go anywhere.

  ‘I like my room in my house and I want to stay there. And Parsley doesn’t want to move either.’ Parsley was Sophie’s white rabbit.

  ‘If you move, will you still come over and play?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘That’s OK then.’

  ‘S’pose so.’

  Jack looked out of the window. The dreary skies still threatened rain but it was dry at the moment.

  ‘Keepy Uppy?’ He looked at Sophie and she nodded her head.

  ‘Bet I win though.’ They ran down the stairs and out into the garden closely followed by Jemima.

  Max. ‘When people get divorced one of the former couple usually moves out of the house and the child or children have to live with one parent and visit the other. This can be very stressful and upsetting for children and they all deal with it in different ways. Amicable divorces are easier for children to cope with.’

  Sophie won the first game of Keepy Uppy. Jemima was being a pain because she didn’t yet have the coordination to play properly but was insisting on joining in. Jack told Sophie what Jemima had said earlier and they were teasing Jemima so that Jack could get his own back.

  ‘The monster insects will crawl all over you in the dark under the stairs. I’ll lock you in and you won’t be able to get out. That’ll teach you for telling lies about me.’

  Jemima’s bottom lip started quivering.

  ‘That’s what happens when you’re horrible to people.’ Sophie wanted to add her two-pennorthworth.

  ‘Then your parents will get divorced and you’ll have to go and live down south.’ Said Sophie.

  This stopped Jack in his tracks.

  ‘Where’s down south and are you moving there?

  ‘I don’t know.’ She shrugged.

  ‘My mother and father were talking about him moving down south but I’ve never been there. I think it might be near Cornwall.’

  Caroline had witnessed the exchange and thought it time to intervene.

  ‘Squash and cake for my superstars.’

  The tray was full of goodies and soft drinks. As soon as Caroline put the tray down on the table Jemima ran to her mother and sat on her lap.

  ‘Are we moving down south?’

  ‘No sweetheart we’re not.’ Caroline looked at Sophie silently prompting a question, but Sophie picked up the football for some more Keepy Uppy.

  Jemima was happy with the reassurance from her mother and settled down to enjoy her lemon squash and fairy cake. Caroline had tried baking the cakes but they’d turned out to be a disaster and the tray was still soaking in the kitchen sink after two shots in the dishwasher. Good old Pete from Tesco had delivered the groceries earlier so the kids were now enjoying the best from internet food shopping.

  Sophie needed a break and approached the table cautiously.

  ‘Can I have some squash please, Mrs Gibson?’

  ‘Of course, Sophie. Would you like a cake?’

  All that running around had made Sophie ravenous.

  ‘Yes please, they look lovely. Did you bake them yourself?’ Caroline wasn’t sure whether Sophie was an innocent child or whether she was taking the mickey. Either way, she wasn’t going to rise to the occasion.

  ‘Here you go, Sophie. How’s things at home?’

  As soon as the words were out, Caroline could have kicked herself.

  Sophie was filling up but she found a maturity beyond her years.

  ‘Can I use your toilet, Mrs Gibson please?’

  Before Caroline answered Sophie had run inside to the loo. Caroline told Jack and Jemima to stay where they were and be nice to each other and she went inside to look for Sophie. The upstairs toilet flushed so Caroline sat on the top stair waiting for Sophie to come out of the bathroom.

  After a few minutes she knocked on the door.

  ‘Sophie, can I talk to you please?’ Sophie opened the door and tears were streaming down her face. Caroline went into the bathroom and leaned against the sink.

  ‘Dad’s moving down south to live with a woman who’s good at 10-pin bowling.’ This was said while Sophie gulped in air between sobs.

  ‘I have to decide whether to stay here or move down there and live with my father. I want to stay here but what if I never see my father again.’

  The sobs were wracking her whole body and Caroline put her arms around Sophie and held her close. They stayed this way until Sophie stopped shaking. Caroline held her at arms length.

  Vicky was filming the scene which brought her to tears. How they were supposed to obey the Terry directives, one of which was not to get emotionally involved, she would never know. She tried to compose herself so that the film work wouldn’t be shaky. Great, the hiccups.

  Vicky radioed Max. ‘Sorry, love.’ Between hiccups. ‘You’re going to have to help me out here.’

  Max rushed up the stairs, saw the state of Vicky, and took over the filming.

  ‘Get a grip, Vic, Sophie’s not even one of ours.’

  He had a point. ‘I know, Max but it’s soooo sad.’

  Max tut-tutted and got on with the filming.

  Caroline spoke to Sophie.

  ‘I’ve seen the way your father is with you sweetheart, he adores you and I’m sure if you stay here he’ll want to see you as often as he can.’

  ‘The 10-pin bowling woman’s got 3 daughters so he’ll soon forget about me.’

  She unrolled some toilet paper and blew her nose.

  ‘It doesn’t work like that Sophie. You’re his only daughter and even if he likes these other girls, that doesn’t mean he’ll stop loving you.’

  ‘Really?’

  This seemed to placate Sophie a little and she gave Caroline a shy smile.

  ‘Why can’t they just be nice to each other like they used to be and we can all stay here?’

  ‘It’s not always that simple, sweetheart. Would you like me to come and talk to them with you?’

  ‘It’s OK, Mrs Gibson. I’ve decided I’d like to stay here but I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. If my Mam was moving down south, I’d still like to stay here.’

  ‘OK, Sophie. Tell them that you love them both but that you want to stay here with the friends you know, the school you like and the room that you love.’

  Caroline was annoyed that the Byrnes were forcing their young daughter to make this decision and would have a word with one of them when things had calmed down a bit. She swore to herself that if anything awful happened that caused her and Phil to split, they’d be grown up about it and put the childrens’ feelings first. Not that she was planning on anything bad happening but there again, no-one could predict the future.

  ‘Can I have my cake now please?’

  Caroline rubbed Sophie’s head. ‘

  Co
urse you can, sweetheart. Race you down the stairs.’

  Sophie flew out of the bathroom like a shopaholic when the doors opened in the January sales, and Caroline had lost before she even reached the stairs.

  Max. ‘Sophie’s father planned to move to Surrey and she would spend every other weekend and some of the school holidays with him. Nothing would ever be the same again for Sophie and her mother.’

  The weather improved the day after Caroline had her little chat with Sophie. Phil bought a small pool for the children and set it up in the back garden. Although it wasn’t near the Ops Room, Max still had concerns about the impact the pool might have on his mission. He asked Julian to carry out a risk assessment and was relieved when the results showed that the Ops Room could remain in situ. The spiders had to take a small detour to enter and exit the Ops Room, but Max saw this as a minor inconvenience.

  Jack and Jemima were delighted with the pool and so was Sophie when she saw it; the children couldn’t wait to get in and have some fun. Caroline was happy that she could carry on with her chores and family admin and still keep an eye on what was going on in the shallow pool.

  They were splashing about and laughing. It always amazed Caroline that children could laugh at anything without reason. Not for the first time she thought that adults could learn a lot from their youngsters.

  Max. ‘Despite Sophie being sad and upset about her family circumstances, she was still able to forget about it occasionally and have fun with Jack.’

  Caroline was shaken from her reverie by shouting from the other side of the garden fence.

  ‘Sophie, we know you’re in there.’ Shouted Hazel Johnson.

  ‘Come and play on the swings with us.’ Shouted Lucy.

  ‘I’m playing in the pool with Jack and Jemima.’ Shouted Sophie.

  ‘I’ll come.’ Jemima didn’t want to miss out on anything and was still fascinated by twins.

  ‘No you’re too young.’ Shouted the twins.

  ‘We’re staying in the pool.’ Shouted Jack.

  Caroline had heard enough. She went outside and called to the twins.