by Lexy Timms
Sadness speared his insides and he stifled a groan as he walked quickly to the OR. The thought of her being in the ER and not letting him stay beside her gave him no hope for anything working out between them. There was no way in hell he would shove her out of an emergency room without information about what was going on with him.
But he already had... hadn't he?
The night he came in for the car accident with Pam a week ago. He had no intention of telling Julie about that or calling for her to meet him there. He had shut her out slowly over time, needing the physical touch of someone more than he cared about the resulting blow that would come from it.
He had hinted over and over to her how badly he wanted her attention, but she never had time. If she wasn't rushing around the hospital, she was exhausted or spending time with Charity. He let out a long sigh, wishing like hell he would have simply vocalized his frustrations. Fucking Pam wasn't the answer to anything, and yet in a few moments of heat, he'd given himself over to her.
The saddest part of his cheating had been his need to close his eyes and let the busty bitch become his Jules, his woman.
"Why?" he muttered to himself and walked into the small wash room before the surgery room. He scrubbed up and turned, letting one of the attending nurses put on his gloves. How many times had he asked himself why over the last week? A million? More?
The whys were sure to kill him if he didn't get a grip soon. He had been lonely and needy, and as pathetic as it sounded in his own head, it was without a doubt the reasoning behind his actions.
"Tell me what we've got again." He moved to the side of the patient, covered up to his throat and various tubes and a mask covering his face.
The nurse closest to him read out the prognosis and responding procedures. Another one ran down the list of preparations that they'd taken to prepare the man.
Simon let his thoughts go and extended his hand to the male nurse standing watch over the various instruments. "Scalpel."
The surgery took twenty minutes, which was a record time, but it was repairing an ocular nerve. Simon was working hard to cross-train himself out of neurosurgery and into the other various disciplines. He wanted the opportunity to move up into Elijah's spot when the man moved into another one. It would happen in the next ten years, which was perfect timing.
The plan had been to spend five more years killing himself at the hospital and then start working with Julie to have a family. They often joked about the number of kids they would have. She wanted one, maybe two, but he wanted ten. To see mixed versions of them running around the house was almost more than he could imagine.
Now it was all for naught. The need for passion and release left him alone, soon to be searching for a tiny, cold apartment and the one woman he'd ever loved down in the ER without him. He cleaned himself up and took his time drying his hands before walking back out into the hallway.
Maybe he could just walk through the ER casually and she would be there. The thought of manipulating her file later that day brushed past him and he left it alone. All he had left was his career. As pissy as Elijah had been toward him lately, it wouldn't take much to have him on suspension or worse.
"Dr. Paulk." A male voice stopped him and he turned.
"Dr. Smithers. How nice to see you, Sir." Simon forced a smile and extended his hand to his favorite professor from Harvard.
"I have to say, I'm quite impressed." The older man slipped his hands into the pockets of his tweed jacket and wagged his large bushy eyebrows.
"Oh yeah? What has your attention at present?"
"Why you do, as per usual." Dr. Smithers pulled a small pad of paper from his pocket. "You know the hospital awards are coming up and Harvard is one of the sponsors of the event."
"I’m quite aware. We appreciate your continued support."
"I'm sure you do, son." He chuckled and Simon smiled. "Anyway. I came to tell you that I'm nominating you as the honoree for our presentation and namesake of the newest scholarship we'll be working to have ready for the incoming seniors."
Finally. A ray of sunlight somewhere.
"I'm honored. Do tell me... what’s the scholarship for?"
"For a young surgeon who seeks to major in more than one discipline of medicine. Much like you did in your own schooling. I just watched from the observation deck while you put the record for ocular repair surgery to shame. Did you not have someone time it for you?"
"No. I've been in a bit of a fog lately. Personal life is a bit of a concern right now." Simon shrugged, but refused to lie to his mentor.
"Ah, well, I taped it. The greatest men of our times will never have rest, son. If she's a woman of valor, she'll be beside you no matter what." He patted Simon on the arm.
His words stung and left Simon wanting to defend Julie. She was a complete woman of valor and ethics and beauty, but she was smart. He was a piece of shit for turning from her. She deserved better and once trust was broken, it was damn near impossible to mend, especially in the context of marriage. "Let me know what you need from me regarding the event or your participation." Simon extended his hand and smiled. "I have to get down to the ER, but let's have coffee soon and catch up."
"Yes. I'd like that very much. I'll give you a buzz later this week or early next week."
"Sounds great. Always a pleasure to see you, Jerry."
"You as well, Simon."
Simon turned and walked as languidly as he could force himself to toward the elevators. He squeezed in with a good handful of doctors and nurses that must be headed out on their lunch break.
"Simon. I saw Julie in the ER earlier. Everything okay, man?" A deep voice sounded behind him and he turned and nodded. It was Charity’s father, the great and powerful Dr. Scott Thompson.
"Yes. False alarm. She's okay. I'm headed down to check on her now. Nothing to be too concerned about." He forced a friendly professional grin and slipped off the elevator and let out a painful sigh. Lying had to be the worst, and yet he was getting good at it. Too good.
Julie sat at the far end of the ER, her chin resting on her hand as she turned and her eyes met up with his. The dull pasty color of her skin caused his heart to almost stop.
He glanced around, praying like hell Elijah wouldn't find him down there as he moved toward her. She didn't flinch or move as he sunk down in the chair next to her.
It took everything inside of him not to reach out and pull her into his lap. He wanted to wrap himself around her and promise her anything to make her better. "Jules. Please. Just tell me what's going on. I would never not tell you if something was physically..."
She held up her hand and shook her head as her pretty hazel-colored eyes filled with tears. "I'm fine. Don't concern yourself. Honestly."
"How can I not? You're my wife." He glanced down at her hand and realized her ring was gone. His heart dropped and he sat up, reaching and touching her forearm. "Where's your ring?"
"Simon. It's over. Just come by and get your stuff later this week. We can work everything out in court without too much hassle unless you want to get ugly about it, and then I'll rip everything you have from you." Her voice darkened as a tear dripped down her face.
He reached over to brush it away and she jerked from him and stood up. Her calm disposition was melting and he didn't want to upset her, but there was no way in hell he was letting go of her without a serious fight.
"I'm not going to get ugly over anything, but I'm not okay with this. I can't imagine my life without you."
"You should have thought about that before you lied to me. Before you cheated on me with someone we work with." She glanced around and shivered. "Everyone in this place looks at me with pity. I'm going to look for a transfer soon. Come get your stuff and then we'll have the hearing. After that, I'm out of here. I can't live like this. I don't deserve to."
"Baby. Please. Please for heaven's sake. I'll do anything."
"No. Please leave me alone. We're done and there's honestly nothing left to talk about." She w
iped at her tears angrily, the expression on her beautiful face leaving him desperate.
"Tell me you don't love me. Tell me you don't still want to raise a family together and build up our dreams. Tell me and I'll leave you alone forever." He turned and pulled her to him as a soft sob left her. Tears burned his eyes again as he slid his hand along her face and tilted her head to look at him. "Please, Julie. I love you with every bit of me. I made a horrible mistake. Spend forever punishing me, but don't run from me baby. I know you still love me."
"I was pregnant," she whispered as her lip quivered.
His heart almost stopped in his chest as his blood ran cold. "What?"
She nodded and pulled from him. "Yeah. I guess the last time we slept together a few months back was a miracle. I conceived."
"That's incredible, baby. Why didn't you tell me?" A smile lifted his lips and yet he knew the shoe was about to drop. A baby would tie them together, force her to give him another chance.
"Because I was rushed to the ER a couple of hours ago with a miscarriage. I guess the trauma from..." she took a shaky breath, "from everything caused me to lose it."
He reached for her and she jerked from him as a tear rolled down his cheek. He brushed it away and stepped toward her as she took another step back. "Please, just come get your stuff. There’s nothing between us anymore."
"Julie. You're hurting. I'm hurting. Let me come home and just hold you. You still love me. I know you do."
"No. No, I really don't." She picked up her purse and walked toward the door as Charity moved into the opening.
The look the pretty blond gave Simon left him without a doubt. His time at Scott Thompson was soon to be over, and most likely not by choice.
Chapter 5
"Just let it out, Jules." Charity's voice was soft and comforting, which didn't help the water works.
Julie cupped her hands around her face and let herself go for the first time in front of someone else. She and Charity had been friends for fourteen years. If anyone would accept her and hold her up, it was her best friend.
"I wanted to tell him yes. I wanted him to come back home with me, to have him hold me through this." Julie let out a nasty sounding cry mixed with a hiccup.
"I know you did, but until your head is cleared up a little, you did the right thing. He's not the anchor you thought he was. There's no reason to cloud the waters with him while you're in pain. I'm right here and Elijah and I will hold you up and help you through this."
The soft methodical rubbing of Charity’s fingers into the top of her back pulled her into a calmness finally. She wiped her eyes and looked around the front seat for a paper napkin.
"In the glove box." Charity reached over and popped the lock on it.
"Thanks," Julie mumbled and grabbed a small handful of them. She sat back and let out a long sigh as she pressed the rough material to her swollen eyes. "You're right, but it doesn't stop the fact that I miss him, and I lied to him back there. I do love him. More than he deserves."
"Then things will work out between you, but you have to give it a bit of time. He needs to stew in what he's done and you need to find your center again. Life’s been about Simon and the hospital for the last ten years. Take a little bit of time to find yourself again."
Julie took in her friend’s counseling and nodded, turning to watch the small middle-class homes pass by. Within a few minutes, they entered the large gated community Elijah and Charity had built their house in. The houses doubled and tripled in size before her eyes. She had been to Charity's a million times, and yet for the first time, she realized that she didn't like the neighborhood. It was too centered on perfection, on wealth. How Elijah and Charity fit into it was a mystery. They were the most giving, loving people she knew.
"This isn't all his fault," Julie mumbled as she continued to let her attention be outside of the car.
"What? Oh hell no. This is totally his fault. Well, the split between you guys is. The baby isn't anyone's fault. No one deserves the weight of that." Charity squeezed her hand.
"It's really not, Charity. We stopped spending time together a year or so ago. Everything was more important to me than him. He was a for sure in my life, so I started to take him for granted." Her eyes burned with unshed tears, which left her exhausted. "I can almost remember a few times of feeling like he needed my attention, hearing him try and hint at how badly he wanted me in the bed with him at night."
"We all get busy. That's no reason to cheat."
"Then what is?" Julie snapped her head around and pinned her oldest friend with a hard stare. "If Elijah ignored your needs, how long would you hang out?"
"Forever. I made a covenant with him. We're married for life." Charity parked in the driveway and turned in her seat. "Simon cheating might be rooted in him being lonely or needing something you weren't giving, but why the hell not come talk to you? Did he sit you down and tell you that he was considering cheating? That his needs were unmet and he was sick of it?"
"No," Julie murmured as she turned her gaze down toward her hands. "I wish he would have, and yet, I'm not sure I’d have done anything about it. My job’s the only thing that leaves me breathless anymore. Something shifted a year ago or so between us and... I don’t know, we just never put forth the effort to recapture what originally drove us to each other."
"He didn't have to sleep with someone else, Jules. Period. This isn't your fault, nor am I going to sit by and watch you beat yourself up over it. That's ridiculous." Charity opened her door and paused. "Come on, let's go in and I'll make you a grilled cheese just like you like them."
Julie let out a soft chuckle and got out of the SUV. There was no reason to lash out at Charity in the midst of her hurt. She would heal over everything that was going on, but the first step in getting there was to make some hard decisions. Telling Simon it was over was only the first step. Actually reconciling that within her own heart and accepting the consequences of watching him pack his stuff and leave her life seemed far too hard to contemplate.
"We can go over to your place tonight and get some clothes and your toiletries. I want you to stay with us for the next few days. Elijah doesn't expect you back to the hospital until you're ready." Charity stood by the car and wrapped an arm around Julie as she walked languidly to the front door.
"I have a surgery scheduled for Friday, so I'll take tomorrow off and then get back to it. I can't sit around and do nothing. I'll go nuts." Julie wrapped her arm around Charity's lower back and leaned her head against her friend's shoulder.
"Well, we'll see. How about you just take it day by day."
Julie nodded and glanced down, catching a good eyeful of Charity's baby bump. She was a little over six months pregnant and her body was showing the signs of life within her. Julie adverted her eyes, not wanting to feel anything but gratefulness and joy for Charity and Elijah's good fortune. The days of being jealous were sure to come, but she didn't have the emotional energy to deal with it just yet.
Julie moved back as Charity unlocked the door and walked into the large ornate entranceway. The sound of little feet and little girl squeals rose up around them.
Jamie rounded the corner with her hands up and a huge smile on her little two-year-old face. "Mommy!"
"Hey little one!" Charity scooped up the girl and gave her a big hug before putting her on her hip awkwardly and turning. "Look who's here. Aunt Jules came to visit."
"Mine. Mine." The girl opened and closed her little fat fingers, reaching for Julie.
Julie couldn't help but smile as she reached for the little girl and snuggled her close to her chest. They moved into the living room and Julie snuggled into the large comfy couch she had spent many an afternoon on in the last few years.
Jamie spent the next few minutes updating them on the events of her morning and how much she loved Elmo. The words were broken and beyond cute. Forcing the pain of her own loss away, Julie dove into the conversation and by the time Charity put a smoking hot grilled cheese in fro
nt of her, she was feeling a little bit better.
"I'm going to the kitchen table. You want to come with me?" Julie glanced down at Jamie.
"No!" Jamie slid off her lap and proceeded to throw a fit. A smile lifted Julie's face as Charity walked into the room and snatched the toddler up.
"She's got something against her high chair. We haven't figured it out, but she gets downright violent over having to get into it. I'm going to talk with the nanny and see if Jamie's ready for a nap. We'll be back in a minute. Or I will." She softly tapped Jamie's nose. The little girl giggled and wiggled in her arms.
Julie shook her head, got up and walked to the kitchen. The sound of her phone buzzing in her purse gave her pause. Hadn’t she tossed it across the room? Someone must have grabbed her purse and phone while she was in with the paramedics. Thank you stranger. There wasn't really anyone she wanted to talk to at the moment, and yet the thought of the hospital calling with the need for her to get there on a whim was a bright light in the midst of her darkness.
It wouldn't happen, but she could let herself hope.
Setting her plate on the kitchen table, she walked to her purse and pulled the phone out. Simon.
She silenced the phone and set it on the table as an ache ran through the center of her chest. She didn't care what anyone thought about anything. She wanted Simon's arms around her, to hear that things would be okay and that she would eventually be a great mother like Charity was.
Swallowing the hot lump of despair in her throat, she sat down and took a bite of her grilled cheese as the phone went off again. She picked it up and took a shallow breath.
"What?" Her voice was much too mousey, but she couldn't help it.
"Julie." He said nothing else.
"This is she. How can I help you?" She tried to get her bearings, but it was far too hard to pretend that she wasn't crushed.
"Baby. Please let me come over and just hold you. Please. I promise I’ll leave after I see you're okay."
