Sinfully

by Riley, Leighton

  I never got to tell her how much I love her. Even though I’ve told her a hundred times since the accident, I need to tell her when she is conscious. I can’t let another person I love slip away.

  With Cami, there was the terrible unknown because her body was never found. We held on to hope that we would spot her, but after four days, the search party was called off. I was never able to say goodbye. I was with Cami and Tristen when it happened and not being able to save her wrecked me. Tristen and I were riding the wave ahead of her and by the time we were out, she had gone under. She wanted to wait on the perfect wave and was waiting for it while Tristen and I rode as many as we could handle.

  I felt helpless searching for Cami in the vast ocean and stayed out in the water for hours searching for her. After it got dark, I waited at the beach, desperately hoping that she would find her way back. I couldn’t leave her out there.

  I now feel the same helplessness that I did that day in the water. At least Payton is still with me. Chloe was sweet enough to bring me some shower products and a razor but I couldn’t care less about how I look at the moment. I haven’t shaved in two weeks and have only showered a few times using the shower in the hospital room. The nurses aren’t pleased but I’m not going to leave her so I can freshen up. I make Chloe sit beside her bed while I quickly get the grime off my body and make myself presentable.

  Her vitals haven’t changed in three days. They keep her comfortable with pain meds but she looks so alone in the hospital bed. The wires surround her and make me timid to get close to her but I need to feel her against me. I hold her hand constantly, rubbing her dry skin with my thumb, hoping to solicit movement from her.

  It’s late in the night and I’m restless sitting next to her. With most of her wounds being to her abdomen and head, I was scared to move her the slightest bit. She had just a few inches on her right side. I stand up and examine where the IV, machines, and wires are to make sure I’m not going to mess anything up. I move her hand to rest on her stomach gently and climb in beside her. Watching the monitors, I make sure I haven’t disturbed her before settling down.

  It feels unnatural to have her body up against mine and not feel that connection to her. I keep waiting for her to curl up against me and push her butt up to my groin. I fight the urge to wrap my arm around her waist or under her head.

  I’m shaken awake by an older nurse with graying hair. “I have to check her vitals and give her medicine. You can stay there but be careful when you get up.” My eyes are still groggy but I nod, trying to wake myself up to see how she is doing. Looking at the clock, it’s three in the morning.

  “Has anything changed? I didn’t notice anything when I got in bed with her. I needed to be close to her.”

  “The doctor is planning on reducing some of her dosages. We’ll still keep her comfortable but this might help her regain consciousness. Sometimes people get too comfortable with the medicine and don’t fight to wake up. Dr. Bills will be here in the morning to discuss this more. Are you sure there isn’t any family to call?” I know her parents are dead and she doesn’t have any siblings. She had mentioned an aunt named Katy but it didn’t seem like they were close.

  “I don’t think so, but I’ll double check with her best friend. She’ll be here in the morning.” The nurse went about her business but I can’t fall back asleep. I keep watching Payton sleep peacefully and I feel lost without her. She is it for me, I don’t want anyone else. I just need to see her beautiful blue eyes again.

  “Payton, baby, I don’t know if you can hear me but I need you to fight. I can’t imagine my life without you in it. I was thinking that after you get out of here, we could go to some exotic beach and get away for a while so you can heal. Just imagine the white sand, turquoise water, and warm breeze. I won’t ever let anyone hurt you again, sweet angel. I’ll be here for you no matter what.” My tears fell onto her hospital gown as I silently wept. The cards that had been dealt to us were unfair and cruel but I’m not giving up on her, on us.

  Over the next week, Payton’s doctor eases her off her medications and her vitals are looking better. The furthest I get from her is to the cafeteria downstairs. I know a dozen of the nurses by name and they are kind to me. Visiting hours never apply to me and they make sure to keep me informed of the slightest new information.

  On my way back from grabbing a sandwich, I see Dr. Bills and a handful of nurses running toward Payton’s room. My heart drops and I start sprinting toward her room. What had happened? I wasn’t there and something happened.

  I walk in and see they had reclined her bed so she’s now lying flat. Her arms are tugging at the tube and she keeps making coughing noises. I’m pushed away by Brittany, one of the dayshift nurses I had grown close to. “Ryder, you have to back up. They’re working on her now. You can stay in here but stay against the wall and prepare yourself for what you may see.”

  What am I seeing right now? They are giving her more medicine and Dr. Bills is instructing her to keep coughing but not to touch the tube. Seeing her struggle is the hardest thing to see but she’s conscious. Her eyes aren’t open but she is moving and I can’t wait to get close to her.

  “Ahhhh-ow! Make it stop, it hurts too much, make it stop!” Her crackly voice is soft but determined. She is in pain and all I can do is watch. What’s hurting her?

  Brittany is near Payton’s side now. “I just gave you more pain medicine. It will make you sleepy but don’t fight it and try not to move. Alright, sweetie?” She’s cleaning the residue left around her mouth from the tape that kept the tube in place. “Everything’s alright now. Ryder is here with you, Payton. He’s been with you the whole time.”

  I watch the one-sided conversation and am happy that I had made friends with the nurses here. I may not be able to get close to her yet but she knows I’ve been here.

  It feels like hours have passed by the time Dr. Bills and her crew of nurses finally start filing out of the room. Payton had gone back to sleep moments after she was given the medicine but they stayed to make sure everything was okay with her. Her doctor tries to get me to talk outside but I refuse and she settles on talking quietly by the door.

  “Her brain activity looks good. We won’t know if there’s any permanent damage until she’s fully awake, but with the pain level she’s still in, we are going to ease her back slowly. When she wakes again, we’ll try to keep her awake to do a more thorough examination on her, but she’ll be sleeping a lot for the next few days. Don’t rush her or expect her to know anything she did before the accident. We weren’t able to check her short-term or long-term memory and that can be difficult for loved ones to see. We don’t know what she’ll remember at this point. I suggest you take the next few hours to call anyone you need to let them know her progress and prepare yourself for what’s to come. She’s going to be okay, though.”

  Chapter 16

  Payton

  I can hear his voice. He seems so far away, though. Through the blackness, I can feel his presence with me but I can’t see him. I try moving toward him but fail. I try speaking to him but fail again.

  My body is useless and the only thing I can do is listen to his words. He tells me that he loves me. That he will never leave me. That we are meant to be and had only begun to live our lives together. I’m still so sleepy. It doesn’t take long for me to give in to the blackness again.

  When I wake up again, I can hear a female voice talking to Ryder. It sounds like Chloe but I’m not positive. “You need to prepare for the worst. There is a chance she might never wake up, and if she does, she might not be the same.”

  Where am I?

  “She WILL wake up. Her body just needs more time to heal. She’s my everything, so stop talking about what-ifs and tell me her progress for today.” I can hear the desperation in his voice.

  I attempt to speak to him again, but nothing comes out. I want him closer to me but he is still talking to that woman. Why can’t I open my eyes? My head is throbbing and the rest of my
body feels heavy.

  Soon enough, the female voice is gone and Ryder slips in beside me.

  Are we in my bed? I have missed his touch and hope he’ll stay a while because I’m getting sleepy again.

  My throat is itching. Why am I still so tired? I need to scratch the itch! I attempt to pull my hand up and am surprised when it slowly complies. My neck is the first thing I feel but it isn’t where I need relief. Moving further up, I feel plastic and begin to panic. Upon closer inspection, I can make out tape keeping a plastic tube in place in my throat. What is happening!?

  I try tugging but the tape is holding it tightly in position. I need to see what’s going on. My eyelids are sticky, but I manage to open them to see through a small slit.

  The walls are stark white and I hear commotion from the distance. Two slender figures are moving around me, uttering for me to stop moving and to wait. I don’t know what I’m supposed to wait on, though.

  “Page Dr. Bills now!” Doctor? Who’s sick?

  The tube is still bothering me like no other and I need to cough but I’m scared. Just as I’m reaching for it again, I hear loud footsteps come toward me and a woman with a stern but soft voice tells me she’s going to help me.

  “I need you to put your arms down, Payton, and cough for me. We’ll get the tube out, but you need to keep coughing until I tell you to stop. Ready?” As long as I’ll be able to breathe freely I’ll do anything. The tube scratches and tickles as it comes up and suddenly I’m free, and exhausted.

  They have me lying flat on my back, but I want to sit up. My abdomen feels like it’s being torn apart when I try pushing up and I can’t stifle the scream of pain that erupts from me. I can now feel my throbbing head and the pain is becoming overbearing. After yelling for them to make it stop, I finally feel relief start to take over my body. The last words I hear are from someone telling me that Ryder is with me and everything will be alright. The blackness returns and I welcome it.

  Ryder

  Payton’s going to be okay. She’s asleep again, but I feel like I can finally breathe for the first time in over two weeks. After seeing her wake up for those few brief moments, I feel the need to be close to her, in case she wakes up again. Lying in her hospital bed is never comfortable, and my body is protesting, but I need to feel her against me. I feel her hand twitch and the motion startles me. Looking her over, I whisper, “I’m here with you, baby, I’m here.”

  I place a gentle kiss on her forehead and the corners of her lips turn up. It’s only a small movement but means the world to me. I lower my head and press a tender kiss to her lips, and after a moment, I feel her respond. I open my teary eyes and see her smile growing. She really is going to be okay.

  “You’re squishing my arm.” Oh shit. I hadn’t realized when I moved, I had settled back down and was leaning against her arm. I can’t help but chuckle at that being the first thing to come out of her mouth. I scoot off of her, suddenly having no idea what to say. Will she remember me?

  “Do you need me to get a nurse? Are you in pain?” Her eyes are fluttering but not quite open yet. I want her to stay awake and talk to me but not if she’s hurting.

  “Kiss me again. Please.” I really hope she knows who I am since she’s asking for more kisses. I’m not going to deny her, though.

  I lean in again, bringing my hand behind her head, being careful of the bandages, and leisurely kiss her on the lips again. Just as she tries moving her hands up, she breaks the kiss off with a pained expression and a quiet whimper.

  “What hurts, baby?” I press the nurses’ call button and request that they come in. “You’re stomach and head were banged up the worst but they said any movement might hurt you for the next few days. Just try to relax until a nurse comes.”

  “What happened to me? How long have I been here?” Confusion and worry is written all over her face and my stomach sinks at the thought of having to tell her what happened that night at Chloe’s home. I hate just thinking about it and seeing her reaction will completely break me.

  “You were assaulted, sweet girl. You’ve been sleeping for a few weeks but you’re doing awesome now. That’s what matters.” I hold her hand as I sit up, wondering if the nurses heard my request.

  “Sleeping for weeks? Like in a coma, Ryder?” Her voice is getting stronger and more agitated now. I don’t want to upset her but I know she’s going to ask for more information.

  “Yes. You’re going to be okay now, though. Dr. Bills will be by soon and we’ll know more then. I missed you so much, Payton. You scared me there for a while and I can’t imagine not having you with me. I wish I could take your pain away.” She gives a sweet smile and I hope that my answer will pacify her questions for a while.

  Brittany, our daytime nurse, and Dr. Bills stop by a little while later and let us know they’d like to keep her under their supervision for the next day or so, but then she’ll be able to go home under bed rest because her abdomen will still need time to heal.

  “Hold me?” Payton is just about passed out when she requests that I lie next to her. I’m more than grateful that she remembers me and who we are together, but I’m still dreading telling her what really happened. I just want to focus on her getting better, not on what brought her here in the first place. I hold her for hours as she sleeps peacefully while my inner turmoil is breaking me down.

  Chapter 17

  Payton

  It’s been almost three months since my accident. I call it an accident because it doesn’t sound as terrifying as assaulted by my stalker. My injuries don’t hinder me in everyday activities anymore but I do take naps more frequently. Chloe has apologized a million times, blaming herself for ever dating Grayson to begin with but I know not to blame her. He would have found another way to get close to me if it hadn’t been her. Psychiatrists diagnosed Grayson with attachment disorder and borderline personality disorder but say he is fit for trial.

  Ryder, over time, has given me the details of that horrible night. I can see his own pain while he goes over some of the more disturbing details. After ripping my shirt in half, Grayson left bruises in the shape of handprints on my breasts and also on my upper chest while he held me down.

  Paramedics found that the button on my jeans was ripped off but my zipper had gotten stuck so Grayson couldn’t pull them down over my ass. All of my internal bleeding was from punching me in the stomach and holding me down as I fought him. Apparently, people like Grayson can totally black out and not realize how badly they are hurting someone until someone intervenes. Even his ‘love’ for me didn’t stop him from almost beating me to death. Fighting back helped keep me alive but made my injuries more severe. They said if it had gone on another couple of minutes, it would have been much worse. I’m grateful that Ryder and Chloe were there to save me because I truly don’t believe I would be here if it weren’t for them.

  Ryder hasn’t been back to Los Angeles and has been working from my home whenever I’m asleep or preoccupied. He’s been with me the entire time and I realize now how foolish I was for fighting my feelings to be with him in the first place. He’s the only one who gives me butterflies in my stomach just by looking my way. Ryder makes me feel like the most beautiful woman around and I never want to lose him.

  Today, we are headed down to the beach for a peaceful day together. He says he wants to talk to me while we’re down there and I can’t help but wonder what needs to be said down there and not at home.

  I miss the ocean and can’t wait to feel the sand between my toes and the cool ocean against my skin. I’m waiting on Ryder to finish getting ready while I cut up some fruit and cheese to take down to the shore with us along with some crackers. We’re meeting his friend Tristen for dinner afterward so I figured a snack would be sufficient.

  “Hey, babe, do you remember where I put my phone? I need to text Tristen to tell him what time we’ll meet him and I can’t find it.” I chuckle, remembering last night’s events.

  “You threw it across the room last
night when it kept going off as I was riding you. It’s probably close to the hamper if I remember correctly.

  He blushes as he remembers last night as well.

  “Oh yeah. Thanks, baby. You ready?”

  “Sure am. I’m bringing a picnic basket for a snack and already have the towels down in the car.” I move in to kiss him and his arms wrap around my waist and hoist me up onto the island.

  Between kisses, I manage to tell him we don’t have time for this. “I can be quick. I’ll make it up to you tonight in bed, sweet girl.” He’s already unbuckling his pants so I don’t see a reason to argue.

  My beach cover-up leaves my bikini bottoms as the only thing standing in the way of him filling me and he takes full advantage. He moves the fabric harshly over to the side and plunges two fingers inside me and roughly rubs his thumb over my clit. “So wet. Damn, baby.” He brings his fingers to his lips and licks them before grabbing his cock with his fist and ramming inside my tightness. He feels so amazing inside me that I know I would be coming right along with him soon enough.

  “Harder, Ryder! You feel so good inside me, baby. Mmm…fuck me.”

  “Ride my dick, sweet girl. That’s it…so good, Payton. I’m close…”

  I’m about to explode but want us to finish together. “Come with me, Ryder. I’m there, baby, fuck…right there. Don’t stop! Mmm…come with me, baby.”

  That was enough for him and I feel him jerk inside me as I come undone around him.

  Pure bliss.

  Ryder

  My girl is back. The past month has been filled with new experiences for us. Doctor appointments, pain, fatigue, and confusion are part of Payton’s daily routine but we’re getting through it together. The doctors and confusion have slowly become less frequent and her pain and fatigue aren’t a deciding factor anymore in what she has planned for the day. We see time together as a gift and try not to take it for granted. I haven’t been back to Los Angeles, and thankfully have been able to work while I’m down here with Payton.