Sinfully

by Riley, Leighton

  Tristen has been there for me when I need someone to talk to. He reminds me that she is still here and to cherish every moment with her. We haven’t been able to spend as much time together but we’ve been talking almost every day. He seems happy but won’t go into details about McKenna or dating in general.

  I’m ready to tell Payton about Cami. I’ve wanted to tell her for a while now but it’s never been the right time. As we make our way down to the warm sand, I try to think of how I should approach the subject. The beach is where I feel closest to Cami and I need for Payton to know about my sister and the heartache I’ve felt, too.

  “We should go surfing soon, babe. I miss the waves and the rush! Dr. Bills finally cleared me so I can technically go now.” My stomach twists into knots. I don’t know if I’ll ever surf again. Too many painful memories plague me when I think of a surfing. I’m terrified that something will happen to Payton if we go out together. How do I ease her into this conversation?

  “Maybe in a few weeks. I, uhh, need to get a new board.” Such a lame excuse, and from the look on her face, she wasn’t buying it.

  “What’s going on, baby? You’ve told me about how you used to surf all the time with Tristen but I don’t ever hear you talk about going out there. You seem more content with getting sun on the beach than feeling the adrenaline rush of catching a massive wave.” She sits down in the sand beside me and lays her hand on top of mine.

  “I had a sister, Cami, she was my twin.” Memories of our childhood come racing back to me—building forts, playing soccer together, and baking cookies with grandma. I feel the sting behind my eyes and will myself to hold it together.

  “I didn’t know. You haven’t talked about her before. Did something happen?” She spreads my knees open and climbs over to sit in between them. I wrap my arms around her and instantly feel more settled.

  “We were surfing—Tristen, Cami, and I. The swells were high but the current was decently strong. Tristen and I rode this one wave together while Cami waited for the perfect one. By the time we paddled back, she was gone.” I feel the tears running down my face and don’t bother to wipe them. Payton turns her body so her legs are dangling on one side and she wraps her arms around my neck.

  She needs to see this. She isn’t the only one who had lost someone and I need her to know how Cami’s death affected my life, just like her parents had hers.

  “What do you mean gone?” Her brows come together and I can see that she knows what I meant but hopes she misheard. She looks into my eyes and sees everything she needs to see.

  “We looked for hours out there, Tristen and I. We even brought in search and rescue teams but never found anything. They said a lot of bodies wash up within the next few days but she never came back.”

  “Baby, I’m so sorry. For you to be out there with her when it happened, it must have been devastating.” She’s clutching onto me harder now. She doesn’t realize it, but her touch grounds me.

  “She and Tristen were in a relationship. Payton, she was going to be a mom. I didn’t know at the time that they were serious but they would be been great parents together. Tristen and I both closed ourselves off to the world for a while after it happened. I had no idea he was going through such a tragic loss of the love of his life and his unborn baby. I feel like a shitty friend. We’re in a better place now but it’s still hard sometimes. I feel her when I’m down here by the water but I don’t know if I’ll ever surf again.”

  “You didn’t know. What matters is that you’re there for him now. Everyone deals with death in their own way. Thank you for telling me. I guess we’re both a little broken, huh?” She manages a smile but it doesn’t meet her glistening eyes.

  “Not anymore, babe. We have scars from our past but we aren’t broken anymore. You make me want to be a better person. I haven’t been this happy since before Cami’s accident, and even then, it’s not the same kind of happiness. Every morning when I wake up, you’re the first thing I think of, even when you aren’t beside me. I don’t want to go another day without you knowing how much I care about you. I love you Payton.”

  Payton shifts again so that each leg is wrapped around my waist, straddling me. Staring into my eyes for what feels like minutes, she thrusts her mouth onto mine and kisses me like our lives depend on it. Finally breaking the kiss, she moves back, teary eyed, but with a grin.

  “You love me? Like love love me?” Her hands come up to hold in her chuckle and she sees surprised by my confession.

  “Yes, sweet girl, I love love you. I wanted to say it before your incident but never found the right time. You don’t have to say it back but I needed you to know. I’m in this with you for the long haul if you want me.”

  Her smile fades away and my hearts skips a beat. Oh no.

  “Ryder? I’ve never told anyone that I love them.” She looks unsure of herself and I just want to hold her and reassure her that everything’s okay.

  “Never, baby? What about other guys or your parents?”

  “I never had that type of relationship with them. My foster parents were just adults who kept us in the same house but they weren’t nurturing. My adoptive parents were loving, but I never told them I loved them and they never said it, either. I guess I love Chloe but that doesn’t count.”

  I lifted her chin up she could see me when I told her, “You are loved, Payton. Not just by me, but by Chloe and Thomas—who, by the way, is in love with you—and your adoptive parents. You are so easy to fall in love with and you don’t even realize it. You’re beautiful inside and out, sweet girl.”

  “I love you, too, Ryder. You’ve stood by me while I figured out how to be vulnerable and you’ve shown me it’s worth it to open up more to friends. I don’t want to live in fear anymore. You know, I heard you a little bit in the hospital, while I was still asleep. I thought you should know.” She has a sly grin that tells me she heard me confess my love weeks ago and hasn’t said a word.

  I move my hands to her waist and begin tickling her and she falls backward onto the sand. Getting up and hovering over her delicate body, careful not to put too much pressure on her, I bend down and softly kiss her lips.

  “I love you, Payton Davenport.”

  “Mmm, say it again.” A smile erupts from my face as she seems suddenly more carefree.

  “I love you, Payton Davenport, and all your other aliases that you might come up with in the future. Now, let’s go meet Tristen.”

  I am so ready for Tristen and Payton to meet so that we can all hang out together, and hopefully McKenna would round it out to a foursome. My life is coming together and I can’t help but smile at how things are turning out.

  Chapter 18

  Payton

  He loves me. Holy shit.

  I don’t deserve him, but I’m selfish and I’m not letting him go anytime soon. Walking up to the restaurant, hands intertwined and matching smiles, nothing can ruin this moment. My past is in my past and my future is standing beside me.

  Tristen and Ryder both agreed that I need to try this hole-in-the-wall seafood restaurant that they used to go to after a day out in the water. The chef picks out fresh fish from the docks each morning, so the menu is always different. From the looks of it, you can tell it’s been here forever from the rusting metal due to being near the ocean, and the place is packed with locals.

  “Psst.” I stop right before we walk into the restaurant and turn toward Ryder.

  “Yeah, babe?” He’s assessing me with his eyes and I know he’s thinking I’ll want a quickie before we head inside. Not saying he’s wrong, but that’s beside the point.

  “Not that.”

  “Oh, well could you be persuaded? I can be hard to resist.”

  “You’re so cheesy. No, I just wanted to let you know that I feel completely happy and have never felt this…euphoric. And now, when we go to Vegas, we can be that happily in love couple that everyone hates.”

  “Sounds perfect, Payton. Anywhere you want to go, I’ll be by your
side, unless I’m behind you.” He gives me a wink and I know we need to get inside so he’ll settle down.

  “I was thinking about how we haven’t christened the media room yet. Just something to think about while we’re at dinner.” With that, I walk in, but have to wait for Ryder so he can look at see if Tristen is here.

  Ryder looks toward the back left corner and immediately starts heading that direction and I follow suit.

  “How’d you know where he’d be?” I hadn’t seen him texting his friend, but with the amount of people and tables in this place, it’s like Where’s Waldo in here.

  “We kinda have our own table. It’s not necessarily reserved, but if Karissa knows we’re coming, she doesn’t let anyone sit here. Jackson, her husband, runs the kitchen and Karissa runs the front. From our table, you can see the ocean without obstruction and watch the surfers during lunch time.”

  As we get closer, my eyes land on a lean but muscular surfer boy with beach-blond hair and the most striking green eyes I’d ever seen. The problem is, I recognize those eyes. Shit. Fucking shit.

  My instincts to run kick in and I back up a step before realizing I can’t run from this. Tristen is his best friend. How do I have the worst luck ever? Me and my stupid slutty ways. This is going to look bad.

  “Payton? No way, this is your Payton?” I can hear the surprise in Tristen’s voice.

  “Wait, you…you know her? You know each other?” Ryder asks, standing between his best friend and me. I’m looking down, scared to look into Ryder’s eyes and willing Tristen to disappear. I can feel them staring at me.

  This is so not going to be good. Will Ryder believe me? I just got him and am now going to lose him. I shouldn’t have let him in. I need to get this over with, to rip it off like a band-aid. A really big band-aid that might leave me raw and exposed afterward.

  “We met in Vegas. It was a while back, though, before we met. But we didn’t sleep together, I promise!” I yell it out a little too loudly and a few people at nearby tables turn to see what was going on.

  Neither of them say anything and I finally work up the nerve to look up. Tristen seems apologetic yet silent and Ryder looks crushed.

  My eyes stay focused on Ryder and I wish we were alone so we could talk about what happened. He’s staring into my soul and I hope he sees my despair and regret.

  “Let’s have a seat. And a drink.” Tristen motions for us to sit down and I’m not in the position to argue.

  “I want her to explain. Then you, Tristen. No bullshit, either.” Ryder is calm but his fists are clenching and unclenching slowly.

  “We met back in September I think? He was sad and lonely so we had dinner and walked around together. He said he didn’t want to talk about his problems but wanted to just have a day without having to deal with the past. We went to Serendipity 3 and shared a Deep Fried Oreos and Ice Cream sundae, went and saw the Jabbawockeez show before finishing off the night by me teaching him how to play Texas Hold ‘Em against the dealer. Pure, innocent fun. He needed an escape and that’s the whole reason I was there, anyway.”

  “Really?” Ryder looks at Tristen incredulously while Tristen nods in confirmation.

  “The pants stayed on, man. Scout’s honor. I was in a bad place and she made me forget for a few hours.” Tristen is relaxed as can be. I envy him.

  “Waiter, two beers and a margarita, please.” Ryder looks back to me after ordering and asks, “That okay, babe? You’re not on any more pills, right?” He seems concerned with my well-being which is a good sign.

  “I’m dying for a margarita, baby, but I shouldn’t right now.” His hand finds its way over to mine and he intertwines our fingers gently. Maybe everything will be okay.

  Once our drinks are served, Ryder takes a sip of the margarita and moves his beer aside. “What? Liquor before beer and you’re in the clear. I’ll drink the beer afterward.” He acts like the bomb we just laid on him is no big deal and is ready to move on.

  I bring my lips to his ear and whisper, “I love you, baby, always and forever.” Squeezing my hand just a little tighter, he murmurs, “Always and forever, Payton.”

  I hold out my water for a toast, “To our past, which will stay in our memories, and to our present, which has created our future.” I’m quite sure how obvious or subtle my toast is, but I get confused stares by both men at the table.

  Tristen doesn’t dare say a word, but Ryder squints his eyes as if it will help him figure it out.

  “Uhh, babe? Whatcha mean by created our future?”

  I just chuckle and move our clasped hands over my stomach. His jaw drops open and I nod in response.

  “Really? Like…for real?”

  “I’m only six weeks along, so it’s still early. I never put my NuvaRing back in after the accident. Surprise?” I look into Ryder’s eyes and he is almost teary eyed.

  “We’re gonna have a baby? Tristen, we’re gonna…oh shit. Bro, I’m so sorry. I didn’t think about how this might affect you but I had no idea.”

  I sit here, unmoving, confused by what they are talking about. Then I remember how Cami was pregnant with Tristen’s baby when she died. I’m a shitty person. I doubt Tristen knows that I know, though.

  “I’m sorry. I wasn’t expecting to announce it so soon, but I thought maybe you could be his or her godfather?” Worry consumes me as I wait for Tristen’s response.

  With a laugh, he comes back with, “Hell, I’m going to be his uncle. Welcome to the family, Payton.”

  “Thanks, Tristen. It really means a lot that you want to be there. Looks like I’ll be moving down to San Diego permanently. The city could use a new publisher in town, anyway.”

  “So you’re okay with this, baby? I know it wasn’t planned, but you’re the one for me and I can’t wait to have a mini-Ryder running around one day.” I wasn’t sure how Ryder would react to our news but he is ecstatic.

  “Okay with this? I’m in love with you and lil-bit. Thank you, Payton, for showing me how much life there is to live and how sharing it with the people you love makes everything worth it.” Ryder pulls me close to him and kisses my forehead.

  Everything is going to be okay. I took the chance and fell in love with the man of my dreams, or emails, whichever.

  Turn the page for a sneak peek into Tristen’s story…

  Tristen

  My best friend is going to be a dad. I should be a husband and a dad right now but it was taken away from me. Not that I’m bitter, it’s just not fair. Cami was my soul mate, my everything. While we hadn’t told everyone about our relationship, we had been together for years and before that we were best friends. She was my first; I thought she’d be my last.

  How do you move on after your whole world is swept away from you? Sure, girls are available for me if I want them, offering to get my mind off her for an hour or two. I’ve never been the guy to hook up with some random girl at a bar—it isn’t my style.

  Ryder and I had grown distant after Cami’s death and I am partly to blame. Every time I see him, I see Cami. It was hard to deal with seeing so much of her in his mannerisms, his face, and his personality. Being twins, they were more alike than different. I haven’t been a good friend, and I probably would have dealt with her death better if he’d been around, but that didn’t happen. I’ve made some mistakes but I’m learning from them.

  Meeting Payton in Vegas had been by chance and it was like she recognized my pain and knew what I needed. She was genuine and passionate about Vegas—she said that it was her place to escape.

  After that short weekend in Vegas, I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. Cami ruined me for other women. I compare every girl I come close to having feelings for to her. It isn’t fair to me or the girls. There is this one girl. She scares the shit out of me. Well, the feelings I have scare me. She’s incredible, but I’ve probably fucked that up, too. Can you love two people? Is it betrayal?

  Acknowledgments

  To Erin, you were the first person I told my crazy
idea to on Black Friday about writing a book. You supported me throughout the process and have been my fan since day 1. We met by chance and I treasure our friendship. We’ve both grown a lot over the past year and can’t wait to see what the next year holds for us!

  To Ashley, my writing buddy. We both are learning the ropes together and I love how creative and open-minded you are. Having someone to talk to who’s also writing their first book has been a great help and I love bouncing ideas off you. Our sprinting sessions and critiquing has made me looking at my writing in a different light and I couldn’t have done it without you. The cover turned out amazing and will be using you for Tristen’s story! Oh, and thanks for Tristen’s name!!!

  To Karina, my always happy beta reader. Your excitement and passion for the story kept me writing. I couldn’t wait to see what you thought about what I had written that night and you’ve always been supportive of all my crazy ideas, even though I won’t bring people back from the dead! <3 Littlebird

  To Dusty, you are hilarious! I love how curious you are and I’m glad you were persistent because I’ve gained a great friend out of it. You think of things I missed and have given me great ideas and feedback. I’m glad my location wasn’t turned off and you found out where I lived! You’re also a friend by chance and I am grateful every day for our friendship.

  To Amy, you got my love for reading started by giving me Fifty Shades of Grey and I’ve become addicted! We’re alike in more ways than should be allowed and am so glad you bought a house from me and let me in with open arms. You’ve seen me grow as a person and remind me to stay focused on what I want and to have fun in the process. You made fun of my word choice and made me describe things I’d rather not describe but it was the right decision and it made the book better. Love you girl!