The Rom-Com Collection: The Plus One, Something for the Weekend, A Marriage of Connivance

by Natasha West

  It was the final straw. The camel’s back was officially shattered.

  Ellie reached into her bag, glancing around the car park for any security cameras that might be pointing her way and when she found none, pulled out a Swiss army knife that she kept on hand in case she was ever attacked. With barely a thought, she slid the sharp knife straight into the BMW’s tyre with a satisfying ‘phhhh’ noise that indicated that it was ruined. Then she moved onto the next tyre.

  ‘Hey’ Jordan asked, shocked. ‘What are you doing?’

  ‘I’m just giving her a small taste’ Ellie said in a cold tone.

  Once she’d finished with all four tyres, she went to the car next to Zoe’s, a Bentley, and began the same process.

  ‘What the fuck!’ cried Jordan ‘You already got her. That’s a stranger’s car!’

  ‘Collateral damage, I’m afraid. I can’t have Zoe knowing this was us. So we’re just going to have to make it seem like she was caught up in a vandalism spree. Maybe some social warrior with an axe to grind against the one percenters did it. Who can say?’

  After Ellie had finished with the second car, she moved to another, a Mercedes Benz, performing the same trick.

  Jordan watched the whole thing, thoroughly agape. But she didn’t consider stopping her. Far from it. She was kind of impressed. Still, that criminal damage thing still applied. Jordan needed to get Ellie away from the car park before someone spotted them and called the cops.

  ‘Are you done? Because we really need to get out of here.’

  Ellie glanced up from her work.

  ‘Yes, we should. But we’re not done. Not by a long way. Those two have used us both. They’ve wasted our time and thrown us away like rubbish. And they’ve humiliated us in the process. And now they think they’re going to ride off into the sunset together? No. I won’t let them. They’ve ruined our lives. And now they’re going to find out exactly how that feels. I’m going to take this little fantasy they’ve decided to live in and smash it to dust. And you’re going to help me.’

  ‘I am?’ Jordan said with a raised eyebrow.

  ‘Wouldn’t you like that?’ Ellie asked confidently.

  A slow smile began to creep onto Jordan’s lips.

  Watching Ellie mutate from the spineless wimp she’d been into this ice-cold vengeance machine, it lifted Jordan’s spirits no end. She’d been feeling pretty sorry for herself a few minutes ago, before Ellie had taken out her knife. But this transformation, it was hard not to feel buoyed by it. It was like watching a supervillain being born. Ellie had just fallen into a vat of acid and come out with a score to settle. And Jordan found it truly delicious to watch.

  ‘Hey’ Jordan said, as Ellie finished up with the last tyre on the Merc, ‘I need a new flatmate. Interested?’

  Ellie folded the knife away and stood, smiling at Jordan.

  ‘Why not?’

  Chapter Five

  Sunday morning found Jordan clearing the last of Caitlin’s craft stuff out of the spare room, throwing it all in bin bags. The plan was to dump it on the kerb and then text Caitlin, letting her know that a rubbish collection was due in a few hours and if she wanted her crap, she’d better pray she was quicker than the bin men. Jordan could picture Caitlin scrabbling to get there, panicked and sweating. It was a pleasing image. She just hoped Caitlin wouldn’t remember that rubbish collections didn’t happen on a Sunday.

  Jordan got the stuff out on the kerb and was just about to send the text when she saw Ellie walking up the street, pulling a wheelie case.

  She hadn’t seen her since the night before last. After the tyre incident, Jordan and Ellie had parted ways. Ellie needed to get her stuff together but she’d sworn she was only going to take one day to do it. She wanted to get out of there as quickly as she possibly could. The flat that had been her home was now a hostile place, with all its memories turned into lies. There was no reason to prolong the exit.

  Lo and behold, here she was.

  ‘What’s all that’ Ellie asked, looking at the bin bags.

  ‘A fuck ton of non-precious stones and beads, among other things.’

  Ellie was baffled.

  ‘It’s the materials necessary for making shitty jewellery that no one on Etsy wants to buy’ Jordan explained.

  ‘Ah, right.’

  ‘But I thought maybe I’d keep the glue gun. It’s good for other stuff. Gluing that cheating cow Caitlin’s thighs together, for example. Wanna cuppa?’

  Inside the flat, Jordan and Ellie were having a very civilised cup of tea. They’d both spent sleepless nights considering what had happened to them and thinking about what was going to happen next, all the delicious revenge they wanted to wreak. But now, sitting across from each other, sipping PG Tips, neither knew where to begin.

  It had been easy to imagine how they were going to punish Caitlin and Zoe in their wildest imaginings, unrestrained by the real world. But now, in the morning light, reality had shown up. What were they actually going to do? Neither knew.

  For Ellie, that clear sense of cold purpose that she’d felt in the car park, it was a little wobblier now. She was new to this whole vengeance thing, a practising other-cheek-turner ordinarily. It had been slightly ridiculous to imagine that she’d have the skillset necessary for the revenge she wanted to take. That sort of thing probably took years to develop. And Ellie was a noob.

  Jordan was no better equipped. She tended to work on instinct. When wronged, she’d act in the moment, allowing her temper to have its way. But what Ellie had described the previous night, it took restraint, planning. And Jordan had never been the kind of person who took a deep breath and counted to ten. She’d slapped a stranger more than once.

  After two minutes of tea slurping, Jordan had to know where Ellie’s head was.

  ‘I hate to bring this up before I’ve even showed you to your room and all that, but you mentioned something the other night about smashing dreams to dust. When does that start, exactly?’

  Ellie put her mug down.

  ‘I’ll be honest, I’m not really sure… I mean, don’t get me wrong, I meant what I said. But I spend my days caring for children. This whole wreaking revenge thing, I might be a little out of my depth.’

  Jordan rolled her eyes, peeved at Ellie as well as herself.

  ‘Right. Here’s me thinking you’re going to lay out some amazing plan. I guess that was a bit naïve.’

  ‘I suppose I was hoping we’d put our heads together?’

  ‘That’s fair. But you still want to do this? You haven’t had a change of heart?’

  Ellie gave Jordan an intense look, wanting to impress her utter seriousness on her.

  ‘Not remotely.’

  Jordan felt a small shiver at Ellie’s expression. It had seemed so alien on her that it was a little chilling. But still, it brought Jordan comfort.

  ‘Pleased to hear it. Because that little speech you made? I gotta tell you, it revved my motor. And now I really want to hurt them, in a long term sort of way.’

  ‘Me too. Zoe actually texted me this morning to ask how the move was going.’

  Jordan glowered.

  ‘She’s literally the worst.’

  Some part of Ellie wanted to argue with her, being that this was the person she’d chosen to make a life with. If Zoe was the worst, then what was she?

  But it was a difficult sentiment to argue with. Whatever flaws that Ellie had chosen to ignore in Zoe, they were suddenly in sharp focus. But she wasn’t the only villain of the piece here. Ellie didn’t want that forgotten.

  ‘Speaking of being the worst, have you heard from Caitlin?’

  ‘Have I fuck! Nope, she’s probably doing her best right now to pretend the last eighteen months never happened’ Jordan said bitterly as she stared into the dregs of her tea cup.

  Privately, Ellie concurred. Caitlin was a very ‘Never look back’ type. But she didn’t want to rub that in, so she simply said ‘We’ll just have to make sure they can’t forget, then. Neith
er of them.’

  ‘So… Where the fuck do we start?’

  Ellie considered. She’d had many thoughts about how she wanted to see Zoe and Caitlin crushed. But how to get there? Maybe they should start by organising their thoughts.

  ‘Hey, is Caitlin’s craft stuff still out on the kerb?’

  ‘Yeah, why?’

  ‘Does she have any large sheets of paper?’

  ‘There was all manner of shit in there. I don’t know where she picked up half of it.’

  ‘Would you mind if we bring it back in?’

  Fifteen minutes later, Ellie had all her materials assembled. There was a large roll of paper, A3 size, attached to the wall by Blu-Tack. It took up most of the back wall of the living room. The TV that had taken up a portion of the wall had been shifted to the other end of the room, giving Ellie and Jordan space to move freely around the paper. There was a selection of colourful pens ready to write on it, ranging in shade and glittery-ness, also found amongst Caitlin’s stuff.

  Jordan had been watching Ellie assemble all this for the last quarter of an hour, no clue what was happening. She felt like she was caught in an adult version of Ellie’s crèche. She half expected Ellie to write her name on the big sheet of paper and then Jordan would have to chant ‘Good morning, Miss Hopkiiiinnnnsss!’

  If Jordan had made that comparison out loud, Ellie would have been forced to admit it wasn’t a million miles away from how she was approaching this. ‘Miss Hopkins’ was a big believer in preparation, she’d never be caught at the crèche without a million fun things in place for the kids. Boredom was the enemy. But she tried to bear in mind that Jordan was an adult. And kind of a scary one at that.

  ‘Right, I think if we’re going to plan out some kind of revenge, we need to be clear on our goals, shared or otherwise. From there, we can work backwards to how we can achieve it. We should also make detailed notes on Zoe and Caitlin’s major weaknesses, as well as any other details that might prove useful down the line.’

  Jordan slumped back on the sofa. She felt tired just hearing Ellie’s words.

  ‘Is it too early for beer?’

  Ellie looked at her watch.

  ‘It’s 9.45am’

  ‘What’s the saying? It’s always 5pm somewhere in the world?’

  Ellie inhaled deeply.

  ‘Jordan…’

  Jordan was already headed for the kitchen but she paused at the door.

  ‘You want one too?’

  ‘No, I don’t. And I’m not sure if… if it’s the best idea for you to have one either’ Ellie said quietly.

  Jordan’s left eyebrow lifted slowly.

  ‘Is that so?’

  Ellie detected something hazardous in Jordan’s tone.

  ‘I’m not trying to tell you what to do…’

  ‘That’s a relief. Because if you were trying to do that, I might just have to tell you to go fuck yourself.’

  Ellie visibly flinched. She wasn’t remotely used to Jordan’s, putting it kindly, ‘bluntness’. But if they were going to work together on this, Ellie needed to find a way to deal with her.

  But that was easier said than done. Ellie wasn’t used to dealing with adults forthrightly. Kids were simpler. If you seemed like you knew what you were doing, they would usually respect your authority. But adults, they were trickier. Ellie had never really gotten the hang of grown-ups.

  That’s why it had worked with Zoe. Ellie had known where she stood. Zoe had always seemed to have a firm hand on the tiller and Ellie had felt safe knowing that.

  But now, Ellie was rudderless. And for the first time, she wondered if that might not be the worst thing in the world.

  ‘Look, if we’re going to do this, I need you sharp. I can’t have you sliding into boozy melancholy. I need a partner, not a liability.’

  Jordan’s right eyebrow joined her left, up by her hairline. Ordinarily, Ellie was a meek little mouse, that incident with the tyres aside. But maybe that had not been so anomalous, Jordan began to think. Maybe Ellie was in the midst of some sort of personality crisis. That was the only explanation for the way Ellie had just spoken to her, which was utterly without precedent.

  If Ellie was going to start behaving like a bossy cow, Jordan wasn’t particularly up for that. But she did have to admit that she preferred this version of Ellie to the woman who’d been terrified of her own shadow.

  Still, the tone irked Jordan a bit. Even if Ellie was right. Especially if she was right.

  ‘Christ, alright! It’s just a beer. Don’t sign me up to a twelve step programme just yet.’

  She went and sat back down.

  Ellie wanted to cartwheel. She’d just told Jordan Payne what to do. And she’d actually listened. In her Jordan-ish sort of way. But Ellie had the sense not to celebrate outwardly. She thought it might be pushing her luck a bit to crow over the success.

  Plus, who knew where the line lay? Ellie was still a little frightened of Jordan. Her unpredictability, her disdain for propriety, it wasn’t the world Ellie lived in. But she lived there now, she realised. She’d moved in with the woman, for god’s sakes. Jordan’s ways were her new postcode.

  ‘Alright’ Ellie began. ‘Let’s start with Caitlin.’

  Jordan sat back in her armchair.

  ‘Why her? Why not Zoe?’

  ‘We can start with Zoe if you’d prefer’ Ellie replied patiently.

  Jordan drummed her fingers on the armrest.

  ‘Nah, I don’t really care. I want to fuck them both up but I’m not bothered about the order.’

  That made Ellie realise something.

  ‘Does it have to happen one at a time?’

  ‘How do you mean?’

  ‘I mean, surely we take them down together. At the same time.’

  Jordan blinked.

  ‘That sounds complicated.’

  ‘It doesn’t have to be.’ She gestured at her big board. ‘That’s what the planning is for. Maximum impact. If we go off half cocked, sure, we might hurt them. But the kind of long term ruin I was thinking of, it’s going to take some serious strategising.’

  ‘You’re a real onion, you know that?’ Jordan said with a thin smile.

  ‘An onion?’

  ‘Yep. Layers of villainy, each more rich than the last. Eye watering in its intensity.’

  Ellie liked the way that sounded, but it didn’t really feel true. Not yet.

  ‘I’m hardly Lex Luthor.’

  ‘I don’t agree. That thing with the tyres, it was fucking cool.’

  ‘I wasn’t doing anything you weren’t planning to do.’

  ‘Yeah, but hiding it in the other cars, that was bloody brilliant. I wouldn’t of thought of that. I would have just lobbed a brick through the windscreen and run off into the night like a stupid teenager.’

  ‘I don’t know. That has its own poetry.’

  ‘Maybe. But Zoe would have known it was me and she could have reported me for it. In fact, I’m certain she would have done. She’d love to show me up.’

  ‘You think she’s that vindictive?’

  ‘You don’t?’

  ‘I’ve had a bit of time to think about all this and the conclusion I arrived at is that she’s not malicious, just shockingly self-centred. Same goes for Caitlin.’

  ‘Caitlin is definitely selfish. I’ve always known that.’

  ‘But you stayed with her?’

  Jordan shrugged.

  ‘Is that so hard to understand? You stayed with Zoe.’

  ‘Yes, but I was… I don’t know how to put this without seeming like a total idiot, but I guess I was a bit blinded to how selfish Zoe was. Is.’

  Jordan sat up straight, warming to the topic.

  ‘That’s the bit I don’t get. How on earth couldn’t you see it?’

  ‘I guess I always knew she liked things her own way. But since I never really minded that, I didn’t see it as a fault.’ Ellie’s eyes drifted to the window. ‘Until she wanted somebody else’ she said, sighing de
eply.

  Jordan knew that Ellie was seconds from tears if she didn’t intervene.

  ‘Right then. Let’s do your… what are we actually doing? Spider chart?’