The Rom-Com Collection: The Plus One, Something for the Weekend, A Marriage of Connivance

by Natasha West

  ‘That’ll work’ Ellie said brightly, glad of the distraction from the dark road she’d been about to walk down. There were other roads she needed to travel now, better roads. Roads paved with the suffering of her enemies, with a bit of luck.

  She hoped that Jordan would help her walk down them, that she’d be a good guide if Ellie lost her footing. That was what Ellie needed. Someone to re-focus her if she began to lose her nerve.

  So far, Jordan had proven up to the task.

  ‘Right, let’s start with Caitlin. We need to ask ourselves what’s important to her? What does she want? What does she need? What does she not even know that she needs?’

  ‘Amazing questions that I wish I’d asked myself eighteen months ago. But still, better late than never.’

  Ellie waited while Jordan thought about the question. What was the essence of Caitlin?

  ‘Well, she’s a flake. That much is obvious. She finds it hard to commit to things.’

  ‘Yes… Yes!’ Ellie cried, writing the name CAITLIN in red felt tip and the word ‘FLAKEY’ in green glitter. ‘Exactly. And that’s why Zoe kept her distance. Because she thought Caitlin would just break her heart again.’

  ‘I still can’t believe she actually said that to your face’ Jordan said with a headshake.

  ‘I’ve thought about that a lot. I didn’t understand why she told me all that stuff at the time. It seemed so unnecessary. But I think that was her way of making sure she couldn’t back out of her decision. She was blowing up the bridge behind her so that there was no chance of doubling back. But I’ll bet that if you asked her why she’d done it, she’d say she was being respectful to me. By being completely honest.’

  Jordan took a moment to soak in the thought. She bathed herself in Zoe’s hypocrisy. After she’d truly absorbed it, she said ‘That’s so savagely egotistical, it takes my breath away.’

  Ellie shrugged like ‘Duh!’ Then she turned back to the chart, writing the name ‘ZOE’ in black pen and the word ‘EGO’ in yellow glitter beneath it.

  Ellie looked at the word ‘Ego’ and said ‘Yes, that’s Zoe. It’s all about her. Always.’

  ‘Well, Caitlin’s not going to like that, I can tell you that for free. She likes the spotlight.’

  Ellie turned and begin to link Zoe and Caitlin’s names with two lines that ended in the word ‘SELFISH’ in pink glitter pen. She stood back from the paper, looking at its sparse contents. It wasn’t much, but it was a start.

  Zoe slid the key into the lock and opened the door tentatively, calling ‘Ellie?’ through the crack.

  ‘I thought you said she’d gone’ Caitlin said from behind her.

  ‘She texted me to let me know she’d moved out. But I don’t want to bust in there if she came back for something.’

  She opened the door fully and took a cautious step in. Caitlin suddenly stomped in front of her impatiently.

  ‘Hey, what are you doing!’ Zoe demanded, following her into the living room.

  ‘She’s not here, Zo.’

  ‘You didn’t know that.’

  Caitlin dropped herself onto the sofa.

  ‘I’m sorry, I guess I’m just impatient’ she said with a sigh. ‘I feel like I’ve been waiting forever to have you to myself. I don’t want to wait even another second for us. Not even a car vandal could ruin that. What’s wrong with people, anyway? What kind of person does that?’’

  Zoe shook her head, feeling her temper bubbling. But she wasn’t going to be taken down by some thug and the expense they’d cost her in fresh tires. She had other things to think about now. She had Caitlin. She smiled and sat down on the sofa next to her.

  ‘That’s sweet. But that doesn’t mean we can’t be sensitive. Ellie must be heartbroken right now.’

  Caitlin didn’t want to give Zoe the chance to sit with the image of Ellie weeping over her for too long so she said ‘Where’s she gone, anyway?’

  ‘She never said. Probably gone to stay with her parents.’

  Caitlin looked around the flat, appraising it.

  ‘I can’t believe I’m going to be living here.’

  The comment unsettled Zoe. It had been her idea for Caitlin to move in, it had seemed to make sense at the time. They were going all in. They had to at this point, didn’t they? But still, it was a big change. To have Ellie here only two days ago and now Caitlin moving in today, anyone would have been jarred.

  ‘You don’t think we’re moving too fast, do you?’

  Caitlin took Zoe’s hand tenderly.

  ‘I’ve been in love with you forever. How could it be too fast?’

  Zoe felt her unease soothed.

  ‘How do you feel about a bit of redecoration?’ Caitlin asked. ‘Make it feel like it’s ours, together?’

  Zoe’s anxiety began to peak again.

  ‘Like what?’

  This sofa needs to go for a start.’

  Zoe touched it defensively.

  ‘But it was so expensive.’

  ‘But look at this mark. It’ll never come out’ Caitlin said, as she looked at the scuff marks left by Jordan’s heels.

  Zoe sat bolt upright in shock.

  ‘What!?’

  Chapter Six

  Jordan awoke to a strange squeaking sound.

  She blinked the sleep out of her eyes and realised she’d nodded off on the sofa. She turned to the squeaking, vaguely recognising the sound of marker pen on paper, moving quickly and with purpose. It was Ellie. Jordan reached full consciousness rapidly at the sight of her. She was a vision of madness.

  The big sheet of paper was almost completely covered in mad scrawl and Ellie was hunched in the left corner, trying to fit in something about ‘Stupid striped t-shirts’ in a tiny gap.

  ‘Ellie, what the fuckin’ fuck!?’

  Ellie turned at Jordan’s exclamation, her eyes wide, like a vampire reacting to a cross. There was pen marks on her face, her hair was wild. There was glitter on her teeth.

  ‘You fell asleep and I got… inspired.’

  Jordan climbed to her feet to inspect the wall of notes. It was filled to the brim with words, ranging from the semi-useful (Z’s anally retentive about cleanliness) to the bizarre (C has an inscrutable Chinese character tattoo on her ankle, I bet she doesn’t know what it means. Probably Chinese for ‘Twat’).

  What had begun as a neat spider chart had become a haphazard stream-of-consciousness rant.

  ‘Fuck me. You’ve made the living room look like a serial killer’s lair!’

  Ellie turned to look at the chart, seeing it through Jordan’s eyes. Perhaps it was a bit much.

  ‘How long was I asleep?’ Jordan asked, scratching her head.

  ‘About an hour. I don’t really know how you could nap in the middle of brainstorming.’

  ‘I got tired from all the note taking. And I can nap through anything. Including a descent into madness, apparently.’

  Ellie put her hands on her hips.

  ‘It’s really not that bad.’

  ‘Not that bad? You’ve gone full Jack Torrance!’

  Ellie laughed shrilly and turned back to her glittery visual aid of insanity, adding the words ‘All work and no play makes Ellie a dull girl.’

  Just as Jordan was wondering who you were supposed to call in a situation like this, she happened to glance at the coffee table. She saw several crumpled energy drink cans.

  ‘How many of those have you had?’

  ‘Oh, I hope you don’t mind. I was thirsty and I found them in the fridge. I’ve never had one before. I usually stick to tea. I like them’ she said and raised her palms. ‘I can feel my heartbeat in my hands!’

  Jordan put her hand to her head, a little relieved. Ellie was obviously a little new to the caffeine high. Maybe no one would need to be sectioned today.

  ‘OK, why don’t we switch back to tea from now on, eh?’

  Ellie shrugged, disappointed.

  ‘Alright. But I was getting so much done…’

  Jordan too
k hold of Ellie’s shoulders gently and began to steer her toward her bedroom.

  ‘I know. But I’ve got a feeling there’s a crash coming soon, so I think you should probably lie down and wait for it. And since you don’t actually have a bed yet, take mine.’

  ‘But I’m not tired’ Ellie protested.

  ‘Just wait.’

  In the bedroom, Jordan instructed Ellie to take off her shoes and lay down, which she unwillingly did. Jordan looked down at Ellie.

  ‘Tired yet?’

  ‘No! Actually, perhaps a little bit. Maybe I’ll just close my eyes for a while…’ she trailed off as she curled up into a little ball.

  Ten seconds later, Ellie was snoring. Jordan left her to it.

  A few hours later, Ellie emerged from the bedroom to find Jordan eating chips from paper, watching television.

  ‘If they don’t video chat, they’re obviously a catfish. Just reverse search the photos, for crying out loud. Don’t we all know this by now?!’ she was yelling at the TV.

  Ellie cleared her throat to announce herself. Jordan turned.

  ‘Hey, look. It’s the beautiful mind’ Jordan said, as she dipped a chip in ketchup.

  Waking up a few minutes earlier had been wildly disorienting for Ellie. At first she didn’t know where she was. Then she remembered and promptly wished she hadn’t.

  She looked at the wall and was relieved to find that her display of madness was gone. But on the coffee table in front of Jordan was an open reporter’s notepad, the page filled with Jordan’s exquisitely neat handwriting.

  ‘I got rid of your ‘notes’ but I did copy down anything I thought might be worth hanging onto’ Jordan explained.

  ‘I can’t believe any of it was worth keeping’ Ellie said, shamefaced.

  ‘There was insightful stuff on there. Especially about Zoe’s bedroom habits. Who knew she was a post-orgasm crier?’ Jordan said, her face lighting up at the thought.

  Ellie felt a heat begin to rise in her cheeks. She couldn’t believe she’d committed that to paper.

  ‘It was just the once. And anyway, I think it was only because she got a nasty friction burn-’

  ‘Hold it right there! Let’s not get into the gory details’ Jordan begged.

  Ellie sat down to get a better look at what Jordan had written. It was more like a little essay now, a synopsis of each person under their names. Jordan leaned in to look over her shoulder, in case anything needed to be further explained. Their shoulders bumped against one another and they both automatically scooted a few inches away from each other, embarrassed at the contact.

  Ellie ignored her awkwardness and began to read the summaries.

  ZOE

  Zoe has serious control issues. She finds it difficult to accept chaos. But her weakness is that she’s also very drawn to it. She both hates it and craves it. That’s why she’s spent all this time trying to fight her feelings for Caitlin. Caitlin is chaos. Zoe will not be able to stop herself from trying to tame that chaos.

  CAITLIN

  Caitlin needs freedom. Even if it’s only the illusion of it. She’s happiest knowing she can leave at any time, that she stays because she chooses to, not because she has to. Any infringement on that will alarm her. Even if she loves you, she’ll leave if she can feel you trying to hang onto her.

  Ellie marvelled at the elegant simplicity of the statements. But Jordan wasn’t done.

  ‘What I figured out, looking at what we had’ Jordan said as she poked the paper ‘was one simple thing. The things that kept them apart in the first place, those issues haven’t gone anywhere. They still exist. And they can break them apart.’

  ‘So we’re going to split them up?’

  ‘Not just split them up. We’re going to make it a devastating break up, full drama and heartbreak. With any luck, the stress of it will take years off their lives.’

  ‘Wow’ Ellie breathed. ‘You’ve got a real knack for this.’

  ‘You had all the pieces’ Jordan shrugged. ‘I just connected them. So what do you think? Are you up for pulling a reverse Parent Trap?’

  That was the moment that Ellie had the thought. It was a glimmer of a notion, really. But there was something about it that instantly stuck. It had the pull of a good idea.

  ‘Definitely. Reverse Parent Trap it is.’

  Jordan leaned forward to grab a chip, in celebration of the decision. As she did, her t-shirt rose and Ellie saw the edge of a tattoo on her upper arm.

  ‘Hey, what’s that?’ Ellie asked, pointing at the tattoo.

  Jordan glanced at it and pulled up her sleeve, saying ‘Oh, it’s just a little design I came up with.’

  ‘You designed it yourself?’ Ellie asked, impressed.

  ‘Yeah. I studied art at uni. You didn’t know that?’

  Ellie gave a short laugh.

  ‘Of course you didn’t. Because we’ve never had a real conversation before now’, Jordan acknowledged.

  ‘So?’

  ‘So what?’

  ‘So… Can I see it?’ Ellie asked, feeling bold.

  Jordan pulled the sleeve to reveal the design that went from her upper arm, around her shoulder and seemingly onto her back, beyond what Ellie could see. It looked like a plant of some kind, wrapping itself around Jordan’s body.

  ‘It’s a weed’ Jordan explained.

  ‘Pretty for a weed. Why did you choose that?’

  ‘Because they grow without anyone’s help. I guess I relate to them.’ Jordan said and then paused before adding quietly ‘I grew up in care homes.’

  It was another thing about Jordan that Ellie hadn’t known. But it was bigger than the art thing. Much bigger. Ellie wanted to ask more, but she wasn’t sure if she should, whether that was crossing a line.

  But Ellie wanted Jordan to know that she wasn’t the scaredy-cat she’d been only a week ago. She could handle asking about it if Jordan could handle answering.

  ‘What happened to your parents?’

  Jordan looked at Ellie, surprised. Most people didn’t ask beyond the first bit of the story. They were usually too embarrassed.

  ‘Car accident when I was young. And no relatives willing to take me. That’s how I got into art. Lots of art therapy at the care home.’

  Ellie nodded. Emboldened by the personal reveal, she touched the edge of the tattoo.

  ‘It’s a beautiful design. You’re really good.’

  Jordan watched her caress the tattoo for a moment. And then they locked eyes. Ellie realised what she was doing. She snatched her hand back. Jordan quickly pulled her t-shirt back down again.

  ‘Maybe’ she said brusquely, wanting to change to tone. ‘But good doesn’t pay the rent. Canines do. Speaking of which’ Jordan said as she checked her watch, ‘I’ve got a Dachshund to get to. He has to be walked every single day at six or he loses his shit. Sometimes literally.’

  She stood and Ellie stood quickly too.

  ‘Can I come?’

  Jordan was thrown.

  ‘What for?’

  ‘I think we’re just hitting our stride, scheming wise. I’d like to keep talking about it. I might have an idea. Well, maybe not an idea, but a seedling of one. Your take on it could push it to greatness.’

  ‘Well, if you put it like that…’

  Ellie watched the Dave the Dachshund (somehow the name suited him) doing a large, looping poo. It was sort of like watching soft serve ice cream come out of the machine, swirling out of his bottom in a neat uniform mound. It was strangely hypnotic.

  Jordan was staring off into the distance, ostensibly examining a large oak tree on the horizon of the common they’d driven Dave out to. But Ellie knew she was thinking about more than a tree. She was clearly considering the rough plan that Ellie had laid out for her.

  Ellie waited nervously. It was a lot to take in. Maybe Jordan thought it was stupid?

  ‘So…’ Jordan said eventually. ‘You really think we could make all that happen?’

  Ellie let out the breath she�
�d been holding. Jordan hadn’t dismissed it completely, at least not yet.

  ‘It’ll be tricky but I think it’s at least possible.’

  Jordan drew a small black plastic bag out of her pocket, putting her hand into it and picking up Dave’s poop through the bag. She glanced up as she performed the unsavoury task.