Amos Goes Bananas

by Gary Paulsen

“Yeah. But for some reason, I just can’t seem to get the hang of it.”

  “Most people use encyclopedias and research books to do reports.”

  “I’m not most people. Besides, I wanted it to be original, not something everybody’s already read.”

  Dunc rubbed his chin. “It just so happens that I’ve been reading up on the acorn worm. If somebody needed some help writing a report on the subject, I might be available to help him.”

  “You would help me with my report?” Amos eyed him suspiciously. “Why?”

  “Because you’re my best friend, and best friends help each other with these kinds of little projects.”

  “What do you want?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Right.” Amos winced. “Dunc, you never want nothing.”

  “Well, now that you mention it, we might want to make another little trip out to C.U.P.I.D. and check things out—just to be sure no one’s trying to kill anyone or anything.”

  “Oh, good—I thought it might be something dangerous.”

  Amos sat on his bike with his arms folded—waiting.

  Dunc was talking to the security guard, trying to convince him to let them in. “No, we don’t have a pass. See, today is our first day on the job. We’ll be in charge of … of cleaning cages.”

  The guard looked the boys up and down. “This is a government installation, kid, and nobody gets in without a pass.”

  “Okay.” Dunc started to turn his bike around. “But I sure wouldn’t want to be in your shoes when those cages get full of … well, you know, and the scientists need somebody to blame for it. Why, they might even need you to do the job yourself.”

  “You have a point there.” The guard pushed his cap back. “Tell you what. Circumstances being what they are, just this once, I’ll open the gate.” His voice turned gruff. “But tomorrow, you two better have a pass.”

  “No problem.” Dunc rolled his bike through the chain-link gate. “Thanks.”

  Amos followed. When they were well away from the gate, he pedaled beside Dunc. “Now what? How are you going to get us inside Louise’s building?”

  Dunc parked his bike. “Follow me.” He walked up the wooden steps of a red brick building with a sign above the door that read SUPPLY.

  A woman wearing a white coat came through the door. “No one’s ever around when you need them.” She wrote something on her clipboard, then noticed the boys.

  “It won’t do you any good to go in there. Henry’s not there. Nobody is. Pretty sloppy way to run things, if you ask me.”

  “Yes ma’am,” Dunc agreed. “Maybe we’ll just wait around awhile for Henry to get back.”

  The woman shrugged. “Suit yourselves. Sometimes he doesn’t show up for hours.”

  “Oh, we don’t mind. We’re not in any hurry.” He jabbed Amos in the side with his elbow. “Are we, Fred?”

  Amos wrinkled his nose. “Fred?”

  Dunc glared at him.

  “Uh, no, actually Barney and I are in no hurry at all. Of course Wilma and Bam-Bam might be wondering what’s taking us so long, but—”

  “Fred and I will just wait here until Henry gets back,” Dunc interrupted.

  The woman gave them a strange look, shrugged again, and headed down the steps and across the compound. They watched until she turned the corner and then darted inside.

  “Jackpot. Look at all this stuff, Amos. There’s everything in here from ID badges to shovels. Quick, grab some of this stuff and let’s get out of here before Henry comes back.”

  Amos slipped into one of the white coats. It was too long and almost touched the ground. He rolled up the sleeves and picked up a clipboard. “How do I look?”

  “Amos, we don’t have time for this.”

  The door opened, and a tall, thin man stumbled in. He had obviously been drinking. “Can I help you guys? That’s funny, I don’t remember seeing you two around here before.”

  Amos spoke in his best German accent. “Awk-delieber. I am Doctor Sauerkraut, and dis is my able assistant, Hans.”

  Henry hiccupped and scratched his head. “You look kinda sh … sh … short for a doctor.”

  “Oh? In my country, zee doctors are always short.”

  “What can I do for you today—hic—Doctor?”

  “My assistant and I will be requirink some items. Hans, will de please show zee man.”

  Dunc had been staring at Amos. He blinked. “Ri … right. We’ll need a couple of those badges over there, a broom, a box of pencils, some of those nice pink erasers, a wheelbarrow—”

  Amos put his hand on Dunc’s shoulder. “Ve mustn’t get too carried away, Hans. Ve have many tings to do, vemember?”

  “Okay, how about a couple of badges and a broom?”

  Henry pointed to a sheet on his desk. “You’ll have to sign for the stuff.”

  Amos picked up the pen and scribbled in the next available space. Henry squinted at the unreadable signature. “Yup. You’re a doctor, all right.”

  “Come on, Doc.” Dunc took two of the clip-on badges and the broom and started for the door.

  “Hey, wait a minute,” Henry called after them.

  They froze in their tracks.

  “Don’t you want me to stamp those badges? They’re not official unless I stamp them.”

  Dunc let out his breath. “Sure, Henry. We don’t want to go around with an unofficial badge.” He looked at Amos. “Do we, Doctor?”

  “Of course not, Hans. Let zee man stamp our badges. How silly of us not to sink of dis.”

  Henry smiled. “That’s what I’m—hic—here for.”

  Once inside the ape house, Amos stopped short a few feet from Louise’s cage. “Look, before we go on, I’d like to get a couple of things straight.”

  “Make it quick,” Dunc said. “We need to be out of here before dark. I promised my mom I’d be home early tonight.”

  “That’s what I want to talk to you about.”

  “What? Getting home early?”

  “No. All these promises you keep making.”

  “Don’t worry, Amos. I said I’d help you with your report. We’ll start on it as soon as we get back.”

  “Good. And Melissa?”

  “I didn’t promise to help Melissa with anything.”

  “I’m talking about the tea on Saturday?”

  “Oh that. I ran into a slight problem about that.”

  “Dunc …”

  “The only way my mom would agree to let us come was if we helped out in the kitchen with the caterers.”

  “So what you’re saying is, I get to come to the tea, but I won’t get to leave the kitchen?”

  “Something like that.”

  “I went on a stupid field trip, got bounced by a crazy gorilla, looked like an idiot in front of the whole school, and now I don’t even get to talk to Melissa?”

  “I’m working on it, Amos.”

  “You better work harder.”

  “It’ll be fine. Trust me.”

  “You had to say that. You couldn’t leave it alone. Every time you say that, things go wrong.”

  “Come on, Amos. We’ll worry about all that later. Let’s go talk to Louise.”

  “You talk to her. I don’t even want to look at her.”

  Dunc moved down the hall to the computer. He typed in:

  Hi, Louise. It’s Dunc and Amos. We came back to have a little talk with you.

  Louise came bounding out of the square door, squealing at the top of her lungs. She reached her long, hairy arm through the bars and tried to grab Amos. He stepped back just in time.

  She bounced over to her computer.

  Louise is so happy you came back for her. Thank you.

  “She thinks we came to bust her out, Amos.”

  Amos pretended to sweep the floor. “Stall until you get the information you need.”

  Dunc turned back to the computer.

  What do you know about Senator Thurman, Louise?

  Louise pretended not to underst
and. She scratched under her arm and stared at them.

  Dunc tried again.

  Thurman. Does Louise know about Thurman?

  She swayed from side to side, looking at the screen. Then she typed.

  Maybe.

  Amos stopped sweeping. “I don’t think she understands you.”

  “She understands, all right. She’s just playing a game. I’ll bet Louise thinks we’ll break her out if we want the information bad enough.”

  “Nobody wants information that bad.” Amos leaned the broom against the wall. “Come on. Time’s up. It’s getting late.”

  “A man’s life is at stake here, Amos. Don’t you care?”

  “You’re not actually thinking of letting her out?”

  Dunc raised one eyebrow. He studied the coded numbers on the top of the computer. “I watched those guys who got you out of her cage yesterday. All you have to do is enter the code into the computer.”

  “Hey, if you let her out, you’re on your own. I don’t want any part of it. Next time she gets her hands on me, she might kill me.”

  Dunc typed in a message.

  Louise. If we let you out, do you promise to be good?

  Louise will be extra very good.

  Do you promise not to play games with Amos?

  Louise glanced over at Amos, a sad expression on her face.

  Louise and Amos no play.

  Dunc started typing in the code.

  164333—

  He heard a door slam down the hall. Amos was nowhere in sight.

  Sorry, Louise. It was probably a bad idea. Maybe Amos and I can come back later.

  Dunc turned off the computer and ran down the hall after his best friend.

  “I said I was sorry, Amos.”

  Amos whistled and leaned back on Dunc’s bed. “That was a close one. For a minute there, I really thought you were gonna do it.”

  Dunc sharpened his pencil. “At the time, it didn’t seem like such a bad idea. I figured she’d never get past the guard.”

  “What big plan do you have now?”

  “I don’t have a lot of choices. Tomorrow, I’ll try and talk to the police. Maybe they’ll at least be on the lookout during Senator Thurman’s visit.”

  “Too bad Louise wouldn’t tell you what you wanted to know.”

  A loud smacking noise came from outside Dunc’s open window.

  “What was that?” Dunc moved to the window and leaned out. He missed it at first. Then he saw it. A very large, dark shape was slowly climbing the tree under his window.

  Louise.

  Dunc pulled his head back. “Amos, I don’t know how to tell you this, but …”

  “What?”

  “You remember that code I was talking about back at C.U.P.I.D.? The one that opened Louise’s cage?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Before we left tonight, I put part of it on the computer screen.”

  “So?” Amos looked up. “No! Don’t tell me …”

  Louise pulled herself up to the window ledge and squealed with delight. When she saw Amos, she sprang into the room, turned a full somersault, and stood beating on her chest on Dunc’s bed.

  Amos rolled off the side of the bed. “Down, girl! Down!”

  “She must have kept trying numbers until she figured out the code.” Dunc calmly sat down at his computer.

  Louise, how did you find us?

  Louise spat a big wad of something green on the floor and lumbered over to the computer.

  Louise follow Amos anywhere.

  “Isn’t it incredible how smart she is, Amos?” Amos didn’t answer. He was trying to inch his way to the bedroom door.

  Louise saw him out of the corner of her eye and went for him. Amos lunged through the door, slid down the banister railing, and ran for all he was worth with Louise following right on his heels, squealing at the top of her lungs.

  Dunc stood on the landing and watched them both disappear out the front door into the night.

  His mother walked in from the kitchen wearing an angry frown. “Duncan Culpepper, I want you to tell your friends to be a little less rowdy in the house.”

  “Right, Mom. I’ll be sure and do that.” He muttered under his breath, “That is, if one of them ever speaks to me again.”

  Amos looked through the window, double-checked the lock on Dunc’s tree-house door, and then climbed down the ladder.

  Dunc was waiting for him on the ground. “Did she like the bananas?”

  “Who knows? She swallows them so fast, I don’t think she has time to taste them.” He jumped to the grass. “That was a good idea you had last night about luring her up here and then padlocking the door. When are you going to call that Monkey Farm to come pick her up?”

  “I already tried once. Nobody out there will answer the phone. Maybe they don’t work on weekends.”

  “It’s still early. Somebody’s bound to show up sooner or later.”

  “In the meantime—” Dunc walked toward the house “—we still have to finish your report and get ready for my mom’s tea.”

  Amos sighed. “I was thinking I’d wear a red bow tie with my tux. That way, Melissa will be sure to notice me. I’ll hand her a beautiful red rose that matches my tie and ask her if she’d like to go for a long walk in the moonlight …”

  “I hate to break this to you, Amos, but we’re supposed to wear aprons. And the tea party isn’t at night, it’s this afternoon.”

  Amos followed Dunc into the house. “No problem. I’ll wear my apron over my tux, and when the right moment comes, I’ll just whip it off and give her the rose and ask her to go for a walk around the block.”

  Amos scratched his head thoughtfully. “I wonder if I should take advantage of the fact that her mother’s going to be here? You know, find out if she’d be too upset with us if we don’t have one of those long engagements?”

  Dunc led the way into his room. “I’d play that one by ear if I were you.” He searched his shelf for the A encyclopedia. “Here, you find ‘Acorn,’ and I’ll get my computer set up.”

  At two o’clock in the afternoon, Amos tried to keep from yawning. “Forty-eight and a half pages will just have to do. I don’t care if I never see another worm as long as I live.”

  “It’s a good report. Maybe she won’t count the pages.” Dunc stood up and stretched. “You better get home and change. I’ll go check on Louise.”

  Dunc’s mother was arranging flowers in the living room. She stopped them at the door. “You boys are just in time. I need this couch moved over to the corner and that stack of folding chairs arranged in a semicircle on the other side of the piano.”

  “But Mom, we—”

  Mrs. Culpepper patted Dunc’s face. “I know, dear. It was so sweet of you boys to volunteer to help me out like this. When you get through in here, come in the kitchen and I’ll introduce you to Rudy, of Rudy’s Catering. He wants you to help him scoop out the cheese balls.”

  Amos looked at his watch and then at Dunc. Dunc shrugged helplessly.

  “Hurry now, boys.” Mrs. Culpepper lightly pushed them toward the couch. “We have guests coming.” She gave them a radiant smile and then headed for the kitchen.

  “Sorry,” Dunc said. “She didn’t tell me about this part.”

  “That’s okay.” Amos picked up one end of the couch. “I wasn’t real sure where I would be able to round up a tux my size with a red tie in thirty minutes anyway.”

  “Do I look good?”

  Dunc walked around him. Amos had folded his apron in half and tied it around his waist. His hair was parted in the middle and slicked down with water on both sides.

  “That depends. What are you trying for?”

  Amos picked up a tray. “I thought that if I looked the part, Rudy might ask me to be a waiter.”

  “I don’t think he’s too happy with you right now. He’s been avoiding you ever since you smacked him in the eye with that cheese ball.”

  “That was an accident. It got stuck in the scoop
, and I was trying to shake it out.”

  “He still looks mad.”

  Amos glanced across the kitchen. Rudy was standing over a wooden board with a scowl on his face, chopping vegetables into small pieces with a long knife.

  “Maybe you’re right. It might not be a good idea to bother him right now.” Amos started piling food on his tray.

  “What are you doing?” Dunc asked.

  “I’m just going to check and make sure the guests don’t need anything.”

  “Amos?”

  “Don’t worry. I just want to see if Melissa’s here yet. I’ll come right back, promise.”

  Amos barged out the door before Dunc could stop him. He straightened his apron and started around the room with the tray. Some of the ladies took a few cheese balls. One lady took more than a few.

  Then he saw her.

  Melissa was sitting on the edge of the sofa holding a cup of tea in one hand and her plate in the other and talking to Dunc’s mother.

  Amos started toward her. A loud thumping noise sounded in his ear. He was certain it was his heart.

  Dunc appeared at his side. “I need your help.”

  “Not now,” Amos whispered, setting the tray on the coffee table. He thought he saw Melissa’s blue eyes sparkle.

  The glass chandelier hanging from the living-room ceiling started shaking.

  Dunc grabbed his sleeve. “Come on, Amos. I think we have a big problem upstairs.”

  “Later, Dunc. She wants me.”

  Dunc looked up. Melissa had her back to them and was talking to his mother about iris plants. “She can do without you. I can’t.”

  “Oh, what is it?” Amos snarled. “This better be good.” Then Amos saw the chandelier.

  In Dunc’s room, they found Louise. She was jumping on what was left of the bed and throwing books around the room.

  Dunc looked out the window at the tree house. The door was in splinters. He moved to his computer.

  What’s wrong with Louise?

  Louise threw a pillow at him. She hopped down from the bed and typed:

  Louise bored. Louise want to go home.

  Dunc reached for the keyboard.

  Amos and I will take you home. First tell us about Thurman.

  Louise pounded the floor and started throwing things again. Dunc’s best pair of tennis shoes flew out the window, along with his lamp, soccer ball, and skateboard.