Collected Works of Booth Tarkington
Page 522
MADAME DE CHAMPIGNY
[coldly]
Why?
HAWCASTLE
[rising]
It was she who found these people. Indeed, we might say that both you and I owe her something also.
[Comes around behind table to MADAME DE CHAMPIGNY.]
Even a less captious respectability than Lady Creech’s might have looked askance at the long friendship
[kisses her hand]
which has existed between us. Yet she has always countenanced us, though she must have guessed — a great many things. And she will help us to urge an immediate marriage. You know as well as I do that unless it is immediate, there’ll be the devil to pay. Don’t miss that essential: something must be done at once. We’re at the breaking-point — if you like the words — a most damnable insolvency.
[Enter ALMERIC from the grove. He is a fair, fresh-colored Englishman of twenty-five, handsome in a rather vacuous way. He wears white duck riding-breeches, light-tan leather riding-gaiters and shoes, a riding-coat of white duck, a waistcoat light tan in shade, and a high riding-stock, the collar of which is white, the “puffed” tie pink; a Panama hat with a fold of light tan and white silk round the crown. Carries a riding-crop.]
ALMERIC
[as he enters]
Hello, Governor!
[His voice is habitually loud and his accent somewhat foppish, having a little of the “Guardsman” affectation of languor and indifference.]
Howdy, Countess!
[He drops into a chair at the breakfast-table with a slight effect of sprawling.]
HAWCASTLE
[sharply]
Almeric!
ALMERIC
Out riding a bit ago, you know, with Miss Granger-Simpson. Rippin’ girl, isn’t she?
HAWCASTLE
[leaning across the table toward him, anxiously]
Go on!
ALMERIC
[continuing, slapping his gaiters carelessly with his crop]
Didn’t stop with her, though.
HAWCASTLE
[angrily]
Why not?
ALMERIC
A sort of man in the village got me to go look at a bull-terrier pup. Wonderful little beast for points. Jolly luck — wasn’t it? He’s got a head on him —
HAWCASTLE
[bitterly]
We’ll concede his tremendous advantage over you in that respect.
[Throws his cigar disgustedly into one of the coffee-cups on the table.]
MADAME DE CHAMPIGNY
[eagerly]
Is that all you have to tell us?
ALMERIC
Oh no! She accepted me.
[HAWCASTLE drops into a chair with a long breath of relief.]
MADAME DE CHAMPIGNY
[waving her parasol]
Enfin! Bravo! And will she let it be soon?
ALMERIC
[sincerely]
I dare say there’ll be no row about that; I’ve made her aw’fly happy.
HAWCASTLE
On my soul, I believe you’re right — and thank God you are!
[Rises as he speaks and walks up centre. Breaks off short as he sees HORACE.]
Here’s the brother — attention now!
[HORACE enters the hotel. He is a boyish-looking American of twenty-two, smooth-shaven. He wears white flannels, the coat double-breasted and buttoned, the tie is light blue “puffing” fastened with a large pearl. He wears light-yellow chamois gloves, white shoes, a small, stiff English straw hat with blue-and-white ribbon. When he speaks it is with a strong “English accent,” which he sometimes forgets. At present he is flushed and almost overcome with happy emotion. As he comes down the steps MADAME DE CHAMPIGNY rushes toward him, taking both his hands.]
MADAME DE CHAMPIGNY
[excitedly]
Ah, my dear Horace Granger-Simpson! Has your sister told you?
HORACE
[radiant, but almost tearful]
She has, indeed. I assure you I’m quite overcome.
[MADAME DE CHAMPIGNY, dropping his hands, laughs deprecatingly, and steps back from him.]
Really, I assure you.
HAWCASTLE
[shaking hands with him very heartily]
My dear young friend, not at all, not at all.
HORACE
[fanning himself with his hat and wiping his brow]
I assure you I am, I assure you I am — it’s quite overpowering — isn’t it?
MADAME DE CHAMPIGNY
Ah, poor Monsieur Horace!
ALMERIC
I say, don’t take it that way, you know. She’s very happy.
HORACE
[crossing and grasping his hand]
She’s worthy of it — she’s worthy of it. I know she is. And when will it be?
MADAME DE CHAMPIGNY
Enchanting.
HAWCASTLE
Oh, the date? I dare say within a year — two years —
[COMTESSE starts to exclaim, but HAWCASTLE checks her.]
HORACE
Oh, but I say, you know! Isn’t that putting it jolly far off? The thing’s settled, isn’t it? Why not say a month instead of a year?
HAWCASTLE
Oh, if you like, I don’t know that there is any real objection.
HORACE
I do like, indeed. Why not let them marry here in Italy?
HAWCASTLE
Ah, the dashing methods of you Americans! Next you’ll be saying, “Why not here at Sorrento?”
HORACE
Well, and why not, indeed?
HAWCASTLE
And then it will be, “Why not within a fortnight?”
HORACE
And why should it not be in a fortnight?
HAWCASTLE
Ah, you wonderful people, you are whirlwinds, yet I see no reason why it should not be in a fortnight.
ALMERIC
[passively]
Just as you like, Governor, just as you like.
MADAME DE CHAMPIGNY
Enchanting.
HAWCASTLE
My son is all impatience!
ALMERIC
[genially]
Quite so!
HAWCASTLE
[gayly]
Shall we dispose at once of the necessary little details, the various minor arrangements, the — the settlement?
[Interrupts himself with a friendly laugh.]
Of course, as a man of the world, of our world, you understand there are formalities in the nature of a settlement.
HORACE
[interrupting eagerly and pleasantly, laughing also]
Quite so, of course, I know, certainly, perfectly!
HAWCASTLE
[heartily]
We’ll have no difficulty about that, my boy. I’ll wire my solicitor immediately, and he’ll be here within two days. If you wish to consult your own solicitor you can cable him.
HORACE
[with some embarrassment]
Fact is, I’ve a notion our solicitor — Ethel’s man of business, that is — from Kokomo, Indiana, where our Governor lived — in fact, a sort of guardian of hers — may be here almost any time.
HAWCASTLE
[taken aback]
A sort of guardian — what sort?
HORACE
[apologetically]
I really can’t say. Never saw him that I know of. You see, we’ve been on this side so many years, and there’s been no occasion for this fellow to look us up, but he’s never opposed anything Ethel wrote for; he seems to be an easygoing old chap.
HAWCASTLE
[anxiously]
But would his consent to your sister’s marriage — or the matter of a settlement — be a necessity?
HORACE
[easily]
Oh, I dare say; but if he has the slightest sense of duty toward my sister, he’ll be the first to welcome the alliance, won’t he?
HAWCASTLE
[reassured]
Then when m
y solicitor comes, he and your man can have an evening over a lot of musty papers and the thing will be done. Again, my boy,
[taking HORACE’S hand]
I welcome you to our family. God bless you!
HORACE
I’m overpowered, you know — really overpowered.
[Fans himself again and wipes his forehead.]
HAWCASTLE
Come, Almeric.
[Aside to MADAME DE CHAMPIGNY, whom he joins for a moment.]
Let him know it’s a hundred and fifty thousand pounds.
[Exit into hotel, followed immediately by ALMERIC.]
[HORACE turns toward MADAME DE CHAMPIGNY; she gives him both hands.]
MADAME DE CHAMPIGNY
[smiling]
My friend, I am happy for you.
HORACE
[joyously]
Think of it, at the most a fortnight, and dear old Ethel will be the Honorable Mrs. St. Aubyn, future Countess of Hawcastle!
[MADAME DE CHAMPIGNY, lightly, at the same time withdrawing her hands and picking up her parasol from the chair where she has left it.]
MADAME DE CHAMPIGNY
Yes, there is but those little arrangement over the settlement paper between your advocate and Lord Hawcastle’s; but you Americans — you laugh at such things. You are big, so big, like your country!
HORACE
Ah, believe me, the great world, the world of yourself, Countess, has thoroughly alienated me.
MADAME DE CHAMPIGNY
[coming close to him, looking at him admiringly]
Ah, you retain one quality! You are big, you are careless, you are free.
[She lays her right hand on his left arm. He takes her hand with his right hand. They stand facing each other.]
HORACE
[smiling]
Well, perhaps, in those things I am American, but in others I fancy I should be thought something else, shouldn’t I?
MADAME DE CHAMPIGNY
[earnestly]
You are a debonair man of the great world; and yet you are still American, in that you are ab-om-i-nab-ly rich.
[She laughs sweetly.]
The settlement — Such matter as that, over which a Frenchman, an Italian, an Englishman might hesitate, you laugh! Such matter as one-hundred-fifty thousand pounds — you set it aside; you laugh! You say, “Oh yes — take it!”
HORACE
[his eyes wide with surprise]
A hundred and fifty thousand pounds! Why, that’s seven hundred and fifty thous —
[He pauses, then finishes decidedly.]
She couldn’t use the money to better advantage.
[Enter ETHEL from the hotel. She has one thick book under her arm, another in her hand.]
MADAME DE CHAMPIGNY
[to HORACE, with deep admiration]
My friend, how wise you are!
[She perceives ETHEL’S entrance over HORACE’S shoulder, and at once runs to her, embraces her, and kisses her, crying.]
Largesse, sweet Countess of Hawcastle! Largesse! and au revoir! Adieu! I leave you with your dear brother. A rivederci.
[She runs gayly out, waving her parasol to them as she goes.]
HORACE
[going to ETHEL]
Dear old sis, dear old pal!
[Affectionately gives her hand a squeeze and drops it.]
ETHEL
[radiant]
Isn’t it glorious, Hoddy!
HORACE
The others are almost as pleased as we are.
[He leans back in chair, knees crossed, hands clasped over knees, and regards her proudly.]
ETHEL
[opens the books she carries, laying them on one of the tea-tables]
This is Burke’s Peerage, and this is Froissart’s Chronicles. I’ve been reading it all over again — the St. Aubyns at Crecy and Agincourt,
[with an exalted expression]
and St. Aubyn will be my name!
HORACE
[smiling]
They want it to be your name soon, sis.
ETHEL
[suddenly thoughtful, speaks appealingly]
You’re fond of Almeric, aren’t you, Hoddy — you admire him, don’t you?
HORACE
Certainly. Think of all he represents.
ETHEL
[enthusiastically]
Ah, yes! Crusader’s blood flows in his veins. It is to the nobility that must be within him that I have plighted my troth. I am ready to marry him when they wish.
HORACE
Then as soon as the settlement is arranged. It’ll take about all your share of the estate, sis, but it’s worth it — a hundred and fifty thousand pounds.
ETHEL
[earnestly]
What better use could be made of a fortune than to maintain the state and high condition of so ancient a house?
HORACE
Doesn’t it seem impossible that we were born in Indiana!
[He speaks seriously, as if the thing were incredible.]
ETHEL
[smiling]
But isn’t it good that the pater “made his pile,” as the Americans say, and let us come over here when we were young to find the nobler things, Hoddy — the nobler things!
HORACE
The nobler things — the nobler things, sis. When old Hawcastle dies I’ll be saying, quite off-hand, you know, “My sister, the Countess of Hawcastle—”
ETHEL
[thoughtfully]
You don’t suppose that father’s friend, my guardian, this old Mr. Pike, will be — will be QUEER, do you?
HORACE
Well, the governor himself was rather raw, you know. This is probably a harmless enough old chap — easy to handle —
ETHEL
I wish I knew. I shouldn’t like Almeric’s family to think we had queer connections of any sort — and he might turn out to be quite shockingly American
[with genuine pathos]
I — I couldn’t bear it, Hoddy.
HORACE
Then keep him out of the way. That’s simple enough. None of them, except the solicitor, need see him.
[Instantly upon this there is a tremendous though distant commotion beyond the hotel — wild laughter and cheers, the tarantella played by mandolins and guitars, also sung, shouts of “Bravo Americano!” and “Yanka Dooda!” The noise continues and increases gradually.]
ETHEL
[as the uproar begins]
What is that?
HORACE
Must be a mob.
[LADY CREECH, flustered and hot, enters from the hotel. She is a haughty, cross-looking woman in the sixties.]
ETHEL
[going to LADY CREECH, speaks close to her ear and loudly]
Lady Creech — dear Lady Creech — what is the trouble?
LADY CREECH
Some horrible people coming to this hotel! They’ve made a riot in the village.
[The noise becomes suddenly louder. MARIANO, immediately upon LADY CREECH’S entrance, appears in hotel doors, makes a quick gesture toward breakfast-table, and withdraws.]
[MICHELE, laughing, immediately enters by same doors, goes rapidly to the breakfast-table and clears it. The others pay no attention to this.]
HORACE
[at steps up left]
It’s not a riot — it’s a revolution.
LADY CREECH
[sinking into a chair, angrily]
One of your horrid fellow-countrymen, my dear. Your Americans are really too —
ETHEL
[proudly]
Not my Americans, Lady Creech!
HORACE
Not ours, you know. One could hardly say that, could one?
ALMERIC
[heard outside laughing]
Oh, I say, what a go!
[Enters from the hotel, laughing.]
Motor-car breaks down on the way here; one of the Johnnies in it, a German, discharges the chauffeur; and the other Johnny,
[he throws hi
mself sprawling into a chair]
one of your Yankee chaps, Ethel, hires two silly little donkeys, like rabbits, you know, to pull the machine the rest of the way here. Then as they can’t make it, by Jove, you know, he puts himself in the straps with the donkeys, and proceeds, attended by the populace. Ha, ha! I say!
[HORACE, gloomy, comes down and sits at tea-table.]
LADY CREECH
[angrily, to ALMERIC]
Don’t mumble your words, Almeric. I never understand people when they mumble their words.
[RIBIERE, who looks anxious, appears in the hotel doorway, then stands aside on the stoop for MARIANO and MICHELE; they enter and pass him with trays, fresh cloth, etc., for table down right, which they rapidly proceed to set. A valet de chambre enters up left, following them immediately. He carries a tray with a silver dish of caviar and a bottle of vodka. As he enters he hesitates for one moment, looking inquiringly at RIBIERE, who motions him quickly toward MARIANO and MICHELE, and withdraws. Valet rapidly crosses right to table, sets caviar and vodka on the table, and exits up left. The others pay no attention to any of this.]
ALMERIC
I went up to this Yankee chap, I mean to say — he was pullin’ and tuggin’ along, you see, don’t you? — and I said, “There you are, three of you all in a row, aren’t you?” — meanin’ him and the two donkeys, Ethel, you see.
LADY CREECH
[who has been leaning close to ALMERIC to listen]
Dreadful person!
ALMERIC
[continuing]
All he could answer was that he’d picked the best company in sight.
ETHEL
[annoyed, half under her breath]
Impertinent!
ALMERIC
No meanin’ to it. I had him, you know, I rather think, didn’t I?
[HAWCASTLE enters with MADAME DE CHAMPIGNY, a number of folded newspapers under his arm. Simultaneously loud cheers are heard from the village and a general renewal of the commotion.]
HAWCASTLE
Disgusting uproar!
MADAME DE CHAMPIGNY
[to ETHEL]
But we know that such Americans are not of your class, cherie.
ETHEL
A dreadful person, I quite fear.
HAWCASTLE
The English papers.
[Lays papers on one of the tea-tables.]
ALMERIC
I’ll take the Pink ‘Un, Governor. I’m off.
[Starts to go, the Pink ‘Un under his arm.]
ETHEL
[rather shyly]
For a stroll, Almeric? Would you like me to go with you?
ALMERIC
[somewhat embarrassed]
Well, I rather thought I’d have a quiet bit of readin’, you know.
ETHEL
[coldly]