Collected Works of Booth Tarkington

by Booth Tarkington

  Oh!

  [Exit ALMERIC rapidly up left.]

  LADY CREECH

  [in a deep and gloomy voice]

  The Church Register!

  [HAWCASTLE gives her a paper.]

  [HORACE takes the London Mail.]

  [HAWCASTLE takes the Times.]

  [ETHEL and MADAME DE CHAMPIGNY walk back to the terrace railing, chatting. The others seat themselves about the tea-tables to read.]

  HORACE

  [unfolding his paper, speaks crossly to MARIANO]

  Mariano, how long is this noise to continue?

  MARIANO

  [distractedly]

  How can I know? We can do nothing.

  MICHELE

  [smilingly, looking up from table where he has continued to work]

  The people outside will not go while they think there is once more a chance to see the North American who pull the automobile with those donkeys.

  MARIANO

  He have confuse’ me; he have confuse’ everybody. He will not be content with the déjeuner till he have the ham and the eggs. And he will have the eggs cooked only on one side, and how in the name of heaven can we tell which side?

  RIBIERE

  [appearing in the hotel doorway, speaks sharply but not loudly]

  Garçon!

  [MICHELE and MARIANO instantly step back from table and stand at attention, facing front, like soldiers. RIBIERE exits quickly again into hotel.]

  HAWCASTLE

  [looking up from paper]

  Upon my soul, who’s all this?

  MARIANO

  [not turning his head, replies in an awed undertone]

  It is Herr von Gröllerhagen, a German gentleman, Milor’.

  HAWCASTLE

  [amused, to HORACE]

  Man that owned the automobile. Probably made a fortune in sausages.

  VASILI

  [heard within the hotel, approaching]

  Nein, nein, Ribiere! ‘S macht nichts!

  [He enters from the hotel. He is a portly man of forty-five, but rather soldierly than fat. His hair, pompadour, is reddish blond, beginning to turn gray, like his mustache and large full beard; the latter somewhat “Henry IV.” and slightly forked at bottom. His dress produces the effect rather of carelessness than of extreme fashion. He wears a travelling-suit of gray, neat enough but not freshly pressed, the trousers showing no crease, the coat cut in “walking-coat style,” with big, slanting pockets, in which he carries his gloves, handkerchief, matches, and a silver cigarette-case full of Russian cigarettes. On his head is a tan-colored automobile cap with buttoned flaps. He is followed by RIBIERE, who, anxious and perturbed, wishes to call his attention to the item in the Neapolitan morning paper.]

  VASILI

  [waving both RIBIERE and the paper aside, in high good-humor]

  Las’ mich, las’ mich! Geh’n sie weg!

  [RIBIERE bows submissively, though with a gesture of protest, and exit into the hotel. The group about the tea-table watch VASILI with hostility.]

  LADY CREECH

  What a dreadful person!

  [VASILI crosses to his seat at the breakfast-table in front of MARIANO and MICHELE, who bows profoundly as he passes.]

  VASILI

  [lifting his hand in curt, semi-military salute, to acknowledge the waiters’ bows]

  See to my American friend.

  [MICHELE immediately hastens into the hotel. VASILI sits, and MARIANO serves him.]

  HAWCASTLE

  [to LADY CREECH, in her ear]

  Quite right; but take care, he speaks English.

  LADY CREECH

  [glaring at VASILI]

  Many thoroughly objectionable persons do!

  VASILI

  [apparently oblivious to her remark, to MARIANO]

  My American friend wishes his own national dish.

  MARIANO

  [deferentially, and serving VASILI to caviar]

  Yes, Herr von Gröllerhagen, he will have the eggs on but one of both sides and the hams fried. So he go to cook it himself.

  [Loud shouts and wild laughter from the street. HORACE, ALMERIC, and LADY CREECH set their papers down in their laps and turn toward the door.]

  MARIANO

  Ha! He return from the kitchen with those national dish.

  ETHEL

  [glancing in the doorway]

  How horrid!

  [MICHELE backs out on the stoop from the doorway laughing, carrying a platter of ham and eggs.]

  MICHELE

  He have gone to wash himself at the street fountain.

  [Tumult outside reaches its height, the shouts of “Yanka Dooda!” predominating.]

  VASILI

  [laughing, clapping his hands]

  Bravo! Bravo!

  ETHEL

  Horrible!

  [PIKE enters from the hotel. He is a youthful-looking American of about thirty-five, good-natured, shrewd, humorous, and kindly. His voice has the homely quality of the Central States, clear, quiet, and strong, with a very slight drawl at times when the situation strikes him as humorous, often exhibiting an apologetic character. He does not speak a dialect. His English is the United States language as spoken by the average citizen to be met on a daycoach anywhere in the Central States. He is clean-shaven, and his hair, which shows a slight tendency to gray, is neatly parted on the left side. His light straw hat is edged with a strip of ribbon. The hat, like the rest of his apparel, is neither new nor old. His shirt, “lay-down” collar, and cuffs are of white, well-laundered linen. He wears a loosely knotted tie. A linen motor-duster extends to his knees. His waistcoat is of a gray mixture, neither dark nor light. His trousers are of the same material and not fashionably cut, yet they fit him well and are neither baggy at the knees nor “high-water.” His shoes are plain black Congress gaiters and show a “good shine.” In brief, he is just the average well-to-do but untravelled citizen that you might meet on an accommodation train between Logansport and Kokomo, Indiana. As he enters he is wiping his face, after his ablutions, with a large towel, his hat pushed far back on his head. The sleeves of his duster are turned back, and his detachable cuffs are in his pocket. He comes through the doors rubbing his face with the towel, but, pausing for a moment on the stoop, drops the towel from his face to dry his hands. All except VASILI and the waiters stare at him with frowns of annoyance.]

  PIKE

  [beamingly unconscious of this, surprised, and in a tone of cheerful apology, believing all the world to be as good-natured and sensible as Kokomo would be under the circumstances]

  Law! I didn’t know there was folks here. I reckon you’ll have to excuse me.

  [As he speaks he dries his hands quickly.]

  Here, son!

  [He hands the towel to MICHELE. PIKE rapidly descends the steps, goes to the breakfast-table, joining VASILI and taking the seat opposite him.]

  VASILI

  [gayly]

  You’re a true patriot, my friend. You allow no profane hand to cook your national dish. I trust you will be as successful with that wicked motor of mine.

  PIKE

  [chuckling]

  Lord bless your soul, I’ve put a self-binder together after a pony-engine had butted it half-way through a brick deepoe!

  [Tucks his napkin in collar of his waistcoat and applies himself to the meal.]

  [HORACE and HAWCASTLE read their papers, now and then casting glances of great annoyance at PIKE.]

  [LADY CREECH lets her periodical rest in her lap, and without any abating or concealment, fixes PIKE with a basilisk glare which continues. He is unconscious of all this, his back being three-quarters to their group.]

  VASILI

  [no pause]

  You have studied mechanics at the University?

  PIKE

  [smiling]

  University? Law, no! On the old man’s farm.

  [VASILI nods gravely.]

  HAWCASTLE

  [blandly, to HORACE]

  Without any disrespect
to you, my dear fellow, what terrific bounders most of your fellow-countrymen are!

  HORACE

  [greatly irritated]

  Do you wonder sis and I have emancipated ourselves?

  HAWCASTLE

  Not at all, my dear lad.

  VASILI

  [to PIKE]

  Can I persuade you to accept a little of one of my own national dishes — caviar?

  PIKE

  Caviar? I’ve heard of it. I thought it was Rooshian.

  VASILI

  [disturbed, but instantly recovering, himself]

  It is German, also. Will you not?

  [He motions MARIANO to serve PIKE. MARIANO places a spoonful of caviar on a silver dish at PIKE’S right.]

  PIKE

  I expect I’d never get to the legislature again if the boys heard about it. Still, I reckon I’m far enough from home to take a few risks.

  [He loads a fork with caviar, and with a smile places it in his mouth. The smile slowly fades, his face becomes thoughtful, then grave; he slowly sets the fork upon his plate, his eyes turn toward VASILI with a look both puzzled and plaintive, his mouth firmly closed, his jaw moving slightly.]

  VASILI

  I fear you do not like it. A few swallows of vodka will take away the taste.

  [Gives him a glass, which PIKE accepts, drinking a mouthful in haste, VASILI watching him, sincerely concerned and troubled. PIKE swallows the vodka, quietly sets the glass down on the table, his eyelids begin to flutter, he bends a look of suffering and distrust upon VASILI, slowly rises and closes his eyes, then slowly sits and opens them. Gradually a faint, distrustful smile appears on his face.]

  PIKE

  [in the voice of a convalescent]

  I never had any business to leave Indiana!

  VASILI

  I am sorry, my friend.

  [PIKE takes another large forkful of caviar.]

  VASILI

  [observing this]

  But I thought you did not like the caviar?

  PIKE

  It’s to take away the taste of the vodka.

  VASILI

  [laughing]

  I lift my hat to you.

  PIKE

  You never worked on a farm in your own country, Doc?

  VASILI

  That has been denied me.

  PIKE

  I expect so. Talk about things to drink! Harvest-time, and the women folks coming out from the house with a two-gallon jug of ice-cold buttermilk!

  [Sets down the glass and whistles softly with delight.]

  [HORACE shows increasing signs of annoyance.]

  VASILI

  You still enjoy those delights?

  PIKE

  Not since I moved up to our county-seat ten years ago and began to practice law. Things don’t taste the same in the city.

  VASILI

  You do not like your city?

  PIKE

  [not with braggadocio, but earnestly, almost pathetically]

  Like it? Well, sir, for public buildings and architecture, I wouldn’t trade our State insane asylum for the worst-ruined ruin in Europe — not for hygiene and real comfort.

  VASILI

  And your people?

  PIKE

  The best on earth. Out my way folks are neighbors.

  [HORACE snaps his paper sharply.]

  VASILI

  But you have no leisure class.

  [VASILI is looking keenly at HAWCASTLE and HORACE as he speaks.]

  PIKE

  Got a pretty good-sized colored population.

  VASILI

  I mean no aristocracy — no great old families such as we have, that go back and back to the Middle Ages.

  PIKE

  [genially]

  Well, I expect if they go back that far they might just as well set down and stay there. No, sir, the poor in my country don’t have to pay taxes for a lot of useless kings and earls and first grooms of the bedchamber and second ladies in waiting, and I don’t know what all. If anybody wants our money for nothin’ he has to show energy enough to steal it. I wonder a man like you doesn’t emigrate.

  VASILI

  Bravo!

  HAWCASTLE

  [to HORACE]

  Your countryman seems to be rather down on us!

  HORACE

  This fellow is distinctly of the lower orders. We should cut him as completely in the States as here.

  VASILI

  I wonder you make this long journey, my friend, instead of to spend your holiday at home.

  PIKE

  Holiday! Why, I never had time even to go to Niagara Falls!

  VASILI

  [to MARIANO]

  Finito!

  [Sets his napkin carelessly on table and lights a Russian cigarette.]

  MADAME DE CHAMPIGNY

  What is it he does with his serviette?

  PIKE

  [moving his chair back from the table slightly, and folding his napkin]

  No, sir, you wouldn’t catch me puttin’ in any time in these old kingdoms unless I had to.

  LADY CREECH

  [loudly, to HAWCASTLE]

  Hawcastle, can you tell me how much longer these persons intend to remain here listening to our conversation?

  [PIKE half turns to LADY CREECH, innocently puzzled.]

  HAWCASTLE

  Oh, it isn’t that; but it’s somewhat annoying not to be allowed to read one’s paper in peace.

  HORACE

  Quite beastly annoying!

  LADY CREECH

  I had a distinct impression that the management had reserved this terrace for our party.

  VASILI

  [quietly]

  I fear we have disturbed these good people.

  PIKE

  [in wonder]

  Do you think they’re hinting at us?

  VASILI

  I fear so.

  PIKE

  [gently and with sincere amazement]

  Why, we haven’t done anything to ’em.

  VASILI

  No, my friend.

  PIKE

  [smiling]

  Well, I guess there ain’t any bones broken.

  HORACE

  [throws down paper angrily on tea-table]

  I can’t stand this. I shall go for a stroll.

  PIKE

  [rising]

  I expect it’s about time for me to go and find the two young folks I’ve come to look after.

  VASILI

  You are here for a duty, then?

  PIKE

  [with gravity, yet smiling faintly]

  I shouldn’t be surprised if that was the name for it. Yes, sir, all the way from Indiana.

  [ETHEL utters a low cry of fear.]

  [HORACE, having secured his hat, is just rising to go, drops back into his chair with a stifled exclamation of dismay.]

  [HAWCASTLE lays his paper flat on table. All this instantaneous.]

  HAWCASTLE

  By Jove!

  [They all stare at PIKE.]

  PIKE

  [continuing]

  I expect, prob’ly, Doc, I won’t be able to eat with you this evening. You see —

  [he pauses, somewhat embarrassed]

  — you see, I’ve come a mighty long ways to look after her, and she, prob’ly — that is, they’ll prob’ly want me to have supper with them.

  [The latter part of this speech is spoken rather breathlessly, though not rapidly, and almost tremulously, and with a growing smile that is like a confession.]

  VASILI

  Do not trouble for me. Your young people, they have a villa?

  PIKE

  No; they’re right here in this hotel.

  HORACE

  I must get away!

  [He says this huskily, almost in a whisper, as if to himself. His face is tense with anxiety.]

  VASILI

  [with a gesture of dismissal, though graciously]

  Seek them. I finish my cigarette.

  PIKE
<
br />   Guess I better ask.

  [HORACE is crossing, meaning to get away through the grove.]

  PIKE

  [addressing him]

  Hey, there! Can you —

  [HORACE, proceeding, pays no attention.]

  PIKE

  [lifting his voice]

  Excuse me, son, ain’t you an American?

  [More decidedly, to MARIANO.]

  Waiter, tell that gentleman I’m speaking to him.

  MARIANO

  [to HORACE]

  M’sieu’, that gentleman speak with you.

  HORACE

  [agitated and angry]

  What gentleman?

  [MARIANO bows toward PIKE.]

  PIKE

  [at same time genially]

  I thought from your looks you must be an American.

  HORACE

  [turning haughtily]

  Are you speaking to me?

  PIKE

  [good-humoredly]

  Well, I shouldn’t be surprised. Ain’t you an American?

  HORACE

  I happen to have been born in the States.

  PIKE

  [amiably]

  Well, that was luck!

  HORACE

  [turning as if to go]

  Will you kindly excuse me?

  PIKE

  Hold on a minute! I’m looking for some Americans here, and I expect you know ’em — boy and girl named Simpson.

  HORACE

  Is there any possibility that you mean Granger-Simpson?

  [His tone is both alarmed and truculent.]

  PIKE

  [much pleased]

  No, sir; just plain Simpson. Granger’s their middle name. That’s for old Jed Granger, grandfather on their ma’s side.

  [He pronounces “ma” with the broad Hoosier accent— “maw.”]

  I want to see ’em both, but it’s the girl I’m rilly looking for.

  HORACE

  [trembling, but speaking even more haughtily]

  Will you be good enough to state any possible reason why Miss Granger-Simpson should see you?

  PIKE

  [in profound surprise, yet mildly]

  Reason — why, yes — I’m her guardian.

  [ETHEL lifts her hand to her forehead as if dizzy. MADAME DE CHAMPIGNY puts an arm around her. ETHEL recovers herself and stands rigidly, staring at PIKE.]

  HORACE

  [staggered]

  What!

  PIKE

  [smiling]

  Yes, sir, Daniel Voorhees Pike, attorney at law, Kokomo, Indiana.

  [HORACE falls back from him in horror.]

  [HAWCASTLE, excited but cool, makes a quick, imperative gesture to LADY CREECH, who majestically sweeps up to ETHEL, kisses her on the forehead in lofty pity, and sweeps out.]

  [MADAME DE CHAMPIGNY kisses ETHEL compassionately on cheek and follows LADY CREECH off.]