Smile Like You Mean It

by S. J. McCoy

  She glared at him, looking as though she were about to explode. He glared right back; no way was he backing down. After a few moments she started to laugh; it was such an infectious sound, he had to join her.

  “You’re used to getting your own way, aren’t you?”

  He shrugged. “Yes, but only when it matters.” Even as he said it, he wondered why this mattered so much.

  The look on her face told him she had the same question, but she didn’t voice it. “Well, if you insist on taking me, you’d better bring the bike, too. I don’t want to have to walk down here tomorrow morning.’

  As they rounded the last corner to the old Nichols place, Renée looked uncomfortable. “You can drop me here; this is fine.”

  Gabe looked over at her. “Come on. You should have noticed by now that you can’t bullshit me. We both know you don’t want me to see the place. We also both know that I’m going to. I’ve already told you I’m worried about you. I need to know how you’re living.”

  Renée sighed. “Okay then…”

  “Is it really that bad?”

  She let out a little laugh. “No. It’s worse. But it’s the only option I have right now, and I’m making the best of it. Just don’t be too shocked or too critical, or this friendship of ours might be very short lived.”

  Gabe said nothing as the car bumped along the rutted driveway. As the house came into view, he was grateful for the warning. The place looked derelict. The roof was sagging badly in one corner, and one window was boarded up. Yet, there were planters full of colorful flowers brightening the dilapidated front porch.

  He brought the car to a halt, and Renée jumped out. He followed her to the trunk where she was tugging at the bicycle to get it out.

  “Here, let me.”

  He was surprised when she stood back and let him get it out for her, and, even more surprised, when she gave him a bright smile. “We may as well get this over with then, huh? I can tell you’re not going to give up, so come on in. I’ll give you the grand tour, and you can feel justified in your pity.”

  “Ouch! I don’t want to pity you, Renée.”

  Her smile was less brittle when she replied. “Then don’t. That’s not what friends do, is it?”

  He shook his head. “No, friends want to help and…”

  “And friends don’t judge or interfere!” She cut him off with a laugh. “Come on in. It’s not as bad as all that.”

  As Gabe followed her inside he wondered how bad all that might be, because this was pretty awful. The place was falling down. Bare floorboards were rotted through in places. A couple of the windows were covered with clear plastic instead of glass. It was hard, but he said nothing until she brought him to the kitchen and turned to face him. It was hard to believe this room was in the same house. It was clean and neat and bright. The window frames were in no better shape than any of the others, but they’d had a lick of white paint. The cabinets and table were old but clean. There were more flowers and plants in here, and the walls were painted bright blue. It felt like a real home.

  She waved her arm out. “Welcome to my humble abode. It’s not much, but it’s all I’ve got. And please don’t criticize, because it sure beats sleeping under a bridge.”

  Gabe pursed his lips. He knew she wasn’t joking. During the investigation of an embezzlement case, all joint assets would be frozen. “Didn’t you have anything in your name alone? A checking account? Anything?”

  She shook her head. “I told you. I was a useful idiot. I thought it was sweet that he wanted us to share everything.”

  “So you have nothing at all?”

  She turned to the fridge. “I have cold beers. Would you like one?”

  Gabe took it, wondering as he did what her opinion on alcohol was these days.

  She seemed to pick up on his thoughts as she popped the top of her own bottle. “I’ve never had anything against drinking responsibly. It’s alcohol abuse that ruins lives.” She took a long gulp of her beer and stared out of the window before adding, “And ends them. Anyway…” She turned back to him and met his eye. “I’m kind of screwed financially while this whole investigation is going on. I don’t even know that I will be charged with anything. But, in the meantime, everything Eric had a financial interest in is considered part of the investigation. Basically, that means everything—our home, our business, all our finances, the cars, everything. So as bad as this place may seem to you, I consider myself very lucky to have it. I won’t deny that it’s barely fit for human habitation, but barely is a lot better than I would have otherwise. So I’m grateful. I’m grateful, too, that the community has welcomed me back. Ben gave me a job when no one else in the world would, and people have been kind. I’m a lot better off than I could be, and I choose to look at it that way. So don’t go putting a downer on it, or I’ll have to ask you to leave.”

  Gabe nodded. He admired that she was determined to look at the positives and make the best of what most would consider to be an unlivable situation. He didn’t like that she was simply choosing to ignore the negatives, though. Not when he felt he could maybe help her with them.

  She narrowed her eyes at him. “I can tell whatever you’re about to say is going to start with a ‘yes, but...,’ so do me a favor and don’t even say it? I deal with as much as I can every day, and today’s quota has already been filled. Maybe I’ll listen to whatever you have to say tomorrow.” She gave him a sassy smile. “Maybe. But for today, if you want to stick around, let’s just catch up on other things. We can sit out front, you can tell me about your life, about any of our classmates you know of, and leave it at that. How does that sound?”

  It sounded doable to Gabe. It wouldn’t have been his first choice, but he didn’t need to push her. “Okay, but I want a shot at tomorrow’s quota of things you have to deal with. I know you think I’m being an interfering shit, but…”

  She laughed. “I don’t see where the but comes in—you are!”

  He smiled. “But, only because I care.”

  Her smile faded. “Why, though?”

  It was a fair question. He didn’t really know the answer himself. He shrugged. “Because I’m a nice guy?”

  “If you say so.”

  “You don’t think so?” That hurt.

  She met his gaze. “You’re a great guy. I just don’t want to be a charity case; the recipient of Gabe’s good deeds.”

  “What do you want?” The way she was looking at him made him wonder if she was feeling the same attraction to him that he was to her. He held her gaze, silently asking that question. He was pretty sure the answer was yes.

  She looked away. “To be friends, like you said. So how about we do what old friends do? Let’s sit awhile on the porch and you can tell me all about your life in New York and your fancy law firm, huh?

  Gabe nodded. The moment was gone. He wasn’t sure what he should have done with it, but he wished he’d done something.

  ~ ~ ~

  When they were settled on the rickety old rockers on the front porch, Renée took another swig of her beer and wondered why on earth she was drinking the stuff. She’d bought them last week when Ben had come out for dinner. He was the only person she’d allowed to visit till now. He’d been so good to her—giving her a job, helping her out wherever he could. Ben was a real friend. She looked over at Gabe. Was he? She wanted to blame her imagination and the beer on top of the champagne they’d had this afternoon, but she kept getting the feeling that he was attracted to her. That he wanted to be more than a friend, or, at least, a friend with benefits. She almost choked on her beer at the thought. What she wouldn’t give for benefits with Gabe! But she shouldn’t even be thinking like that. She was a married woman! Kind of. Did it still count if your husband had slept with who knew how many other women and hadn’t had sex with you in over a year? Did it still count if he was currently locked up for lying to you and deceiving you for years in the course of committing fraud and embezzling huge amounts of money that you helped to raise
? She chewed her bottom lip. Did it still count if you were currently slightly tipsy and sitting out on a warm spring evening with the guy who’d starred in all your high-school fantasies?

  “Dare I ask what you’re thinking?”

  She laughed. “Maybe, but I daren’t tell you.”

  Gabe smiled and let his eyes travel over her, sending her temperature and her heart rate soaring yet again. Her imagination insisted he was doing it on purpose. The little voice of reason kept trying to remind her that he was a guy, and guys did that all the time without even knowing they were doing it. When his gaze met hers, even the little voice couldn’t deny that he knew damn well what he was doing and was checking for her reaction.

  She ran her fingers through her hair, instinctively trying to tame it. “We’ve talked enough about me today. Why don’t you tell me about you?” As she started speaking something occurred to her that should have been obvious all along. “Tell me about your life, your work.” She swallowed. “Your wife? Kids? A girlfriend?”

  His low, deep chuckle resonated through her. “That won’t take too long. My life is my work. No wife, kids, or girlfriend.”

  She stared at him. “Doesn’t sound like much of a life. Aren’t you supposed to be the big success story who got it all right?”

  He laughed. “You know, I’ve been thinking the same thing lately. Don’t get me wrong, I love my work, but as for the rest of my life—I don’t really have one.”

  Renée raised her bottle to him. “I guess we’re not that smart after all, are we? I mean, we were the ones who went off out in the world to build something, to contribute to the greater good, and look at us.”

  Gabe frowned at her. “Hey, we’ve both achieved an awful lot more than most.”

  Renée let out a bitter little laugh. “Yeah, it’s just a pity neither of us achieved any of what really matters.”

  “How can you say that after the work you’ve done, the lives you’ve no doubt saved? What is it that really matters?”

  “I’m not dismissing the importance of my work—or yours. But aren’t love and family and happiness the things that matter most in life? I know I don’t have any of those, and, from what you’re saying, neither do you.”

  Gabe stared at her for a long time, but said nothing.

  She twirled a strand of hair around her finger and left him to his thoughts. What had she been thinking? She’d felt that way for the last several years; she’d loved her work, but had yearned for more personal fulfilment. She’d never given voice to those feelings before, though. She’d felt kind of guilty for even feeling them. Wasn’t it selfish to want more for herself when she was doing so much for others?

  She realized Gabe was watching her and untangled her fingers from her hair. “Sorry. I think I’m just a woman of a certain age, you know?” She made a face and tried to laugh it off.

  “Do you wish you’d had kids?”

  She took a deep breath. “Every single day. Don’t you?”

  Gabe nodded. “I thought my brother, Michael, was crazy when he got divorced and Ethan stayed with him. I had no idea how a guy could raise a kid by himself. I still don’t think I could, not by myself. But I’d love to be a dad. What you said, about not having achieved what really matters? Thank you.”

  Renée raised her eyebrows at him. Was he being sarcastic? “I didn’t mean to offend you.”

  He shook his head rapidly. “No, I mean it. I’ve been in a weird place lately. My work used to be so important, but lately it feels hollow. I haven’t known why. I kept wondering how I could feel so empty when I’ve achieved so much. You just made it all so clear. I haven’t achieved any of the things that really matter. I gave Michael shit about settling down here because I worried it might not be enough for him. Yet, I see him so happy with Megan and Ethan and his medical practice. I was worried about him, yet he’s the one who’s got it all figured out. He got it all right; I got it all wrong.”

  He looked so lost. She reached over and patted his hand. “You didn’t get it all wrong. You’ve done so much good. It’s not an either or situation. You can have both. You’ve achieved the career success, so now that you’ve figured out what’s missing, you can go out and find the personal success ,too.”

  He squeezed her hand and met her gaze. “Can I?”

  She really had to curb her imagination. She’d swear he was asking her personally, as if she could help him find it. But that was plain ridiculous. She needed to lighten the moment. “Of course you can. You’re Gabe Morgan, the mighty angel, Gabriel. You can do whatever in the world you want to.”

  He smiled. “It’s going on the record that you said that.”

  She smiled. “Well, we both know it’s true. You can make anything happen when you set your mind to it.”

  “That is true.” He stood up abruptly. “I’d better go.”

  Oh! She hadn’t been expecting that. Maybe she had offended him and he just wasn’t saying. She stood, too. “Okay. Thanks again for today.”

  “No, thank you.” He held her gaze for a moment, and then turned and strode back toward the rental car.

  She trotted after him feeling confused. Was this it? Was he leaving because she’d said too much? Were they still going to have lunch tomorrow? She had no clue.

  When he reached the car, he turned and looked her over. He was giving off waves of…what? Strong emotion of some kind, she knew that much. Was he angry? She’d hate that. “Still friends?” she asked.

  He stepped toward her, making her senses reel. His eyes were that deep emerald color as he lowered his head to hers. Was he going to kiss her??

  He reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “For now.” With that he got in the car and was bouncing away down the drive before she could gather her senses.

  Wow! She didn’t know if that was good or bad. What she did know was that she would be awake most of the night thinking about it!

  Chapter Four

  “Where the hell have you been, mate?”

  Gabe gave Michael a puzzled look as he let himself in through the kitchen door. “Greetings, little brother. It’s good to see you, too. I didn’t realize I had to report all my movements.”

  Michael laughed. “Defensive, huh? Now you’ve got me real curious. Mom said you were coming this weekend, so I reckoned you’d either be moping around here or down at the resort in the bar. No one’s seen you all day, except Em and Jack at five o’clock this morning. So spill. Where’ve you been? What are you up to?”

  Gabe thought about it. Did he want to talk to Michael about Renée? They had fairly well-defined roles. Michael was the younger brother—the joker and the flirt. Gabe was the elder brother…hmm, what was he? He was the go-getter, the take-charge one. What else? He didn’t even know anymore. Whatever he was, he wasn’t sure he wanted to be that guy anymore. He didn’t know who he did want to be either.

  Michael’s grin faded. “Are you all right?”

  Gabe shrugged. “Yeah. I think so.”

  “There you are, angel. I was starting to worry about you.”

  Michael rolled his eyes at Gabe. “He’s okay, mom. The angel Gabriel is all grown up and quite capable of taking care of himself, you know.” He made a face at Gabe. “Even if he is coming home to Mommy and Daddy every weekend.”

  Gabe laughed, but it rattled him, too. He’d been thinking the same thing last night. “It’s just that I’m the good son and always have been.” He put an arm around his mom’s shoulders and planted a kiss on top of her head. “Isn’t that right, mom?”

  She laughed. “I’m not getting caught in the middle. You’re both my angels and always will be. Now, are either of you here for dinner?”

  “I am,” they both replied at once.

  “You are?” Gabe had assumed Michael would be heading home.

  “Yeah, Meggie’s taken Ethan over to see Missy and Scot tonight. In fact, all the girls are getting together over there. I think the wedding planning is getting pretty intense.”

 
“Not intense enough for my liking,” said their mom. “When are you and Megan going to name the date? I can’t wait, and neither can Ethan.”

  Michael laughed. “That’s not fair, mom. Ethan’s fine with waiting. He understands. I just wish you would. I don’t want to rush Meggie. We’ll get there when she’s ready. You know she’s still got a lot to work through.”

  “Sorry, I do know. I just get so impatient, and I don’t think your brother is ever going to give me a chance to be mother of the groom.” Her eyes were laughing as she looked at Gabe. “Are you?”

  He didn’t have an answer. Normally he would have laughed it off, talked about how he was married to his work, but after his conversation with Renée this afternoon, that didn’t feel too funny. He shrugged. “Never say never, mom.”

  Her hand flew up to cover her mouth. Michael swung around to stare at him. “What the…”

  “Michael!”

  He laughed. “Heck, Mom! I was going to say what the heck. What did you think I was going to say?”

  She shook her head at him. “Never mind. Gabriel, talk to me! Tell me what’s going on. ”

  Gabe chuckled to himself. This was business as usual in the Morgan household. “There’s nothing to talk about. I just said never say never, that’s all.”

  “But darling, you’ve always said never. At least when it comes to getting married. You’re married to your work and there are too many beautiful women in New York. That’s what you always say. What’s changed?”

  He shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe I’m changing. He looked at her, then at Michael. Maybe it’s all your fault, little brother. I felt like a huge success until you came back and showed me what success really looks like.”

  Michael’s mouth fell open. “What the fuck?”

  Gabe had to smile that his mom let that one slide as she too stared at him openmouthed. Maybe shaking things up like this could be fun. He’d created the box that he lived in, the parameters that defined him. He could break out of it if he wanted to, and watching his family’s shock was fun. How about that? Fun! “You heard me. Seeing you with Ethan and with Megan. Seeing you going into the family practice, taking over the reins from Dad so he can retire. You’re doing all the important stuff, and you’re doing a fantastic job of it. I thought I had it all figured out. Now I’m realizing I don’t. In fact, if anything, I’ve been a long way off the mark.” He was enjoying the shock on their faces so much he couldn’t resist adding. “And I’m starting to think it’s time to make some changes, get on the right track before I end up a miserable, lonely old man.”