HAVING HIS CHILD

by Amy J. Fetzer

  She laughed shortly, relieved. "We are a pair, huh?"

  His lips quirked. "Yeah." He pressed his lips to her forehead, then pulled her into his arms. He heard her soft sigh, felt her body relax as her arms slid around his waist. Desire gained momentum, and he knew this wasn't wise, but he needed to hold her, to feel her need him.

  "We're all right then?"

  He ran his hand over her slender spine. "Sure we are. Or we will be if you promise to get some sleep and not kill yourself cleaning my house."

  "I will. Now are we okay?"

  "You bet. We've been through worse, right?" She leaned back, then stepped out of his arms. Her smile was hesitant, almost forced, and he tried not to frown. "Now, housekeeper of mine, let's go before we're late." He walked toward the door. "I'll see you downstairs."

  She stood rock still as he left, wondering what was going to happen when she finally did get pregnant and he wanted to know who the father was. She didn't want to hurt him, but knew this lie would explode in her face. Maybe, she thought, in the time it would take to earn the money for the artificial insemination procedures, she would find Mr. Right, fall in love and have his babies. Wishful thinking, she thought, yet she held tight to that hope. She checked her appearance, then rushed downstairs.

  Luc stood at the base of the stairs, waiting. And Angela's heart did a hard slam in her chest at the sight of him. The man had a definite presence, and despite the black tie and tuxedo, the tough youth, who'd wielded a switchblade like most kids jiggled the family car keys still lingered in his eyes. People who knew him weren't aware of the details of his past, but she was. Every single one. Oh, he's come so far, she thought, and she loved him all the more for it.

  She stopped on the steps, frowning softly.

  Like a brother. Yes, she loved him like a brother, she reminded herself, refusing to let the emotions from last week surface. It would ruin everything if she did.

  "You okay?" he said softly and she looked at him, felt that ice-blue gaze skip over her, and she wished it could be different. Wished that he wasn't such a great friend and confidant and that he wasn't so against becoming a father himself. Don't even think about it, she warned herself. The last thing in the world she would risk was Lucas. Or her heart.

  * * *

  Angela tossed the medical paperwork on the dresser near her bedroom door and shrugged out of her linen jacket. Her first appointment with the specialist was over, at least. She'd filled out the forms, looked through pages of profiles of men who'd donated sperm. She still hadn't made a choice and she still didn't have enough money for the first procedure, but knew that by the time she could successfully track her periods and ovulation, she would. She'd only gone off the pill a couple months ago, and her doctor didn't want any residual effects to slow down the process. The specialist had explained every detail, and turkey baster aside, she was excited. After her appointment, she'd had lunch with Katherine and they'd strolled past the shops on Bay Street

  , looking at the toys and baby things, even browsing through a maternity boutique. She didn't buy a thing, since she was already strapped for cash with this procedure, but her dreams magnified when she'd held a pair of tiny lace-edged socks in her hand. She could hardly wait.

  The phone rang, and Lucas confessed to misplacing his house key and asking to borrow her Wife Incorporated copy. She told him to come over, to let himself in, and after she hung up, she glanced at the time, then rushed into the bathroom. Oh, hell, she thought, her date would be here in less than forty-five minutes. Was this a prediction of the future? Late for everything because she wanted a baby. Thirty minutes later she was pulling on her jeans when a knock rattled the door.

  "Come in, Luc," she called, reaching for her shirt. Lucas froze, his gaze ripping over her bare back as she slipped on the T-shirt and tucked it in. Did she have to be so comfortable about dressing in front of him?

  "Want to have dinner with me?"

  She faced him. "Bad timing again, darlin'." She sat on the bed to slip on her sandals, then checked her purse for tissues, since the movie was reported to be a real tearjerker. "But I left a chicken casserole in the oven for you at your place."

  "Thanks. I'm sure it's great, but—" Lucas noticed how lovely she looked and that she was racing around the house. "You have a date? Again?"

  "Again? My, aren't we judgmental, Mr. Different-woman-a-week."

  "Touché." Lucas shook his head. That was the old Lucas, he thought. He didn't miss dating all the time. "The key, Ange?"

  She turned, pointing to her dresser, then inhaled and rushed across the room just as he looked at the brochures. He reached for his key, his hand stilling midair.

  "What the hell is this?"

  "Nothing," she said, and tried to take them from him.

  His features tightened as he quickly flipped open the colored brochure and scanned the contents. His gaze flew to hers, his eyes glacial. "Artificial insemination? Tell me you aren't thinking about this."

  His voice was hard, so like when he was a kid and had that chip on his shoulder.

  Angela braced herself for a fight that just might change her relationship with this man forever.

  * * *

  Chapter 4

  « ^ »

  She took the papers and her medical record copies from him and shoved them in her drawer. "I wouldn't have the paperwork if I wasn't."

  He paled. "This is why you needed the second job."

  She nodded.

  "You're really that serious about this?"

  She held his gaze, hating that this discussion had come so soon and wishing she had more time. Her date would arrive any minute, and she didn't want anyone else to know about this yet. Especially her own family. She still hadn't worked out how she was going to tell them. Her sisters would understand, her mom maybe, but her dad would have a fit, as would her brothers. And then Lucas would have allies.

  "How could you want a child without a father?" Oh, the bitterness in his voice stung worse than the image he painted.

  "I want a family, Luc, and I don't want to be fifty and changing diapers."

  "So you'll subject a kid to life without a father just so you're happy?"

  She took offense. "It's not like that. I want to be young enough to enjoy my children while they're young. And I'm not 'subjecting' my baby to anything except my love."

  "Well, I spent my life without either parent, and it was no picnic."

  "I know it wasn't. I was there for most of it. And this child will have me and my family to love them." She paused and then said, "And you, too."

  "Raising a kid under the best of circumstances is tough enough, Ange. I see it every day." When he thought of the kids he couldn't help and the look on the parents' face when he told them their babies would die or be crippled for life, Lucas knew he didn't want to be a parent. Not that he'd seen good parenting close up, anyway, except what he'd experienced in Angela's parents' house.

  "I know. And I know how it hurts you sometimes. But you don't want kids of your own, and that's the reason I didn't tell you." He frowned. "I knew you would go ballistic."

  "I'm not going ballistic!" he shouted, then looked away, drawing in a deep breath before he met her gaze. "I'm trying to understand."

  "You can't." He looked offended. "You're a man. One who doesn't want his own kids. How would you know what it's like to want to hold your own baby instead of nieces and nephews?" He was cheating himself, she thought. He was a doctor with a loving heart and because of his checkered past, because of the lack of love in his childhood, he couldn't see the hunger inside her and didn't want any part of it.

  "But without a husband? Without even a partner?"

  "I don't need a husband, and I'll be a great mother when the time comes."

  He heard the crack in her voice and groaned, stepping close. "I know you will. But why are you rushing the process? You act like your chances have completely vanished. You're still young."

  "I'm thirty, and I'm damned tired of waiting for M
r. Right to come along. Who's to say a guy would make it right, anyway? And I'm sick of giving advice to people on the radio about going after what they want and not doing it myself." Angela looked at him, and a fleeting thought skipped through her mind, that the only man she would ever consider a future with would never pledge a forever. She rubbed her forehead, pushing the thought aside. Lucas was her best friend, and having her best friend's baby was not in the cards.

  The doorbell rang. "I don't have time to discuss this. That's my date." She grabbed her purse and strode out the bedroom door. He trotted down the stairs after her.

  "So what are you doing? Going out to look for daddy donors?"

  At the bottom of the staircase, she rounded on him, her eyes hard as glass. "I ought to knock your teeth in for that, Lucas Ryder."

  He deserved that, he knew, but the image wouldn't stay out of his mind and give him peace. And she had been dating a lot lately. "Then just answer the question."

  Hurt colored her voice. "I thought you had respect for me." She marched to the door.

  He caught her arm before she reached it. "I do, Angel, you know I do. That's why I can't understand why you wouldn't just let this happen naturally."

  She scoffed. Men were so clueless sometimes. "I've been doing the natural wait, and frankly I don't see where a man in my life should make the difference of whether or not I have a family." Her hands on her hips, she glared at him, furious. "Do you honestly think I would climb into bed with a man to intentionally get pregnant and then not tell him?" She was shouting. "I'm not sleeping with my dates." She lowered her voice and stared into his blue eyes. "And it's none of your business if I do."

  His expression darkened, his eyes narrowing. "You're my best friend. It is my business, and I don't know what's worse, a donor you know and don't want to participate beyond a few moments of pleasure in the sack—"

  "I ought to slap you for that—"

  "—or that you're going to put a stranger's sperm into your body and grow his baby."

  "My baby," she retorted, glaring. He wasn't listening. He had one track in his mind that had years to form, and he couldn't see beyond it. And she knew he never would.

  "We haven't even discussed this man's right to know—"

  "No," she cut in, waving a hand in front of his face. "No rights. He signed them away. This is my body, my life and my decision, and I won't discuss it with you."

  "You're going to shut me out because I have an opinion?"

  "No, but you're satisfied with doctoring kids and not having some of your own. That's your choice. Not mine."

  "That's because I'm the only person I can count on when it gets tough."

  "Gee, thanks a heap, Ryder."

  Lucas groaned and felt his heart cave in. He knew she would never do to a child what his parents did to him. "Angela."

  Angela smothered her hurt. "Look, if I could have a husband and vows, I'd take them. But it's not happening, so butt out, Lucas." The doorbell rang again. "I have to go."

  She flung open the door and found Big John on the other side, smiling.

  "Did I come at a bad time?" John said. "Or would you two like to discuss whatever it is out on the front lawn so the whole town gets an earful?"

  She looked over her shoulder at Lucas as she adjusted her handbag strap onto her shoulder. "This discussion is over."

  "Like hell it is."

  She tipped her chin up and gave him a look he could easily read. He was crossing the line if he said another word. "Lock up when you leave."

  She left with John, pulling the door closed, and Lucas stood rock still for a moment. It had been a long time since they'd argued like that, and he was still reeling from it all.

  A baby.

  The thought chilled him.

  And he didn't know what bothered him most. That she wanted a baby without a father. Or that she hadn't planned on including him in any of it.

  * * *

  Lucas couldn't stay home alone with his thoughts. He'd paced for a half an hour before he headed over to the Justice house and easily wrangled a dinner invitation from Evan and Sally, Angela's parents. Meg, Angela's sister, her husband. Jason, and their kids were there. And one of Angela's brothers and his family. It was Friday night and almost a ritual to have this house brimming with noise and people. Lucas loved it. It was home to him. The only home he'd ever known.

  People littered the back yard, the scent of barbecued ribs still lingering in the air. Torches lit the yard, staving off the mosquitoes and gnats and showing off Sally Justice's artful hand in the garden and a mammoth wooden swing set.

  Tossing the ball, Lucas gave over pitching practice to Zack's grandfather and walked toward Jason. "That boy's going to be an all-star," Lucas said to the boy's father, inclining his head to Angela's nephew.

  "Yeah, and let's hope he makes millions and sets his parents up for life," Meg said as she passed, carrying dinner dishes back to the house.

  Jason, Meg's husband, laughed and winked at his wife and kept watching her till she had disappeared into the house.

  He offered Luc a beer from the cooler, and they popped the tops before sitting on the picnic table and watching the kids play with their grandfather.

  "So," Jason said. "Who's the flavor of the week for Doc Ryder, man about town?"

  Luc snickered. Jason, Blaine and Ford ribbed him constantly about his women. "None, actually."

  Jason's brows shot up.

  Lucas explained that he was busy and women didn't understand it or like it. He kept to himself that he'd stopped dating because he was sick of being dumped or dumping them. His career was more important.

  "What you need, Luc, is to find something you like as much or more than work."

  "Not possible."

  Jason sent him an amused look. "That's what I thought."

  Meg came out juggling a cake, forks and paper plates. Jason set his beer down and rushed to help her. Taking half the burden, he stole a kiss and whispered something in her ear that made her smile and nudge him playfully.

  Luc felt almost jealous. He took his beer with him as he stepped away and leaned against the low stone wall that surrounded the yard.

  He smiled at the activity going on around him. Children played on the swing set. Evan, Angela's father, was giving his grandson pointers on his batting stance. Little Alison, Zack's sister, molded sand in a sandbox. One of Angela's brothers, Blaine, rolled on the ground with his boys as his wife, Sarah, talked with Meg. Sally, Angela's mother, watched it all with the patience of a woman who'd raised six children.

  And raised him.

  Lucas smiled to himself, remembering a time when Evan had tried to run him off. And he couldn't blame him. He was bad news then, black clothes, spiked hair and that danged tattoo along with his "I'm so cool, I'm freezing" attitude. Her brothers threatened to take him apart if he messed with their little sister and Lucas mouthing off that he'd do what he'd damn well pleased had started a brawl with all three Justice boys. He'd expected the brothers to squeal, and that would have been the end of his relationships with this family. The fight was still a well-kept secret. And he suspected it had something to do with the fact that Luc had decked all three and left Ford with a cut on his arm. But it wasn't the end of it. Angela had persisted, refusing to give up on him. She'd defied her family, mainly, her father, to be his friend.

  She had no real idea of how much she'd saved him that day after school. When he'd seen her coming toward him in her cheerleader uniform, his heart had pounded like a sledgehammer. She'd asked him to walk her home, said some boy was bugging her, but that wasn't the real reason. Pity, maybe, or curiosity. He didn't care. A girl he never imagined existed suddenly did. And she was talking to him. He was older, older than most kids in their sophomore year because he'd run away from the foster parents and orphanages so many times, he'd missed a couple years of school. It was tough, but Angela was there, always finding him in the halls after school, talking to him, and their friendship grew. He'd tried out for the fo
otball team for her. Because she'd believed he could do it. He'd made the team and made some friends.

  He was still stared at, and guys still picked fights with him just to boast, but Angela was just his pal. He could talk to her about anything, and once when he'd cried about being abandoned, she'd never ridiculed him for it and had simply held him, telling him he wasn't alone anymore and never would be again. He'd wanted to kiss her then, he remembered. Badly. But he hadn't, knowing if he did, he'd ruin their friendship. And he liked being a part of her life. A part of something.

  Since then, he'd been privy to the details of her life and she his. Until he'd earned a scholarship and had gone off to college, they'd been inseparable. Even then they'd seen each other often, during holidays and in the summer. One year they'd worked at the same camp as counselors. But when he did his internship and residency their time together grew less and less, yet they grew closer. It amazed him, and he couldn't help recognizing again that she was not sharing with him as she had before.

  She wanted a baby, alone. Without a husband, a father, and Lucas could feel the hackles rise along his spine. It ticked him off. Especially that she hid it from him.

  And now she was out with Big John, and, well … hell, his imagination was a nasty thing, and it had sent him here. But he knew Angela. She wasn't stupid and she didn't do things on the spur of the moment. She'd thought this artificial insemination out carefully. Planned it, apparently, around not involving him

  "Uncle Luc! Catch!"

  Luc looked up and caught the ball, his hand stinging. An all-star, he thought, tossing it back. His gaze moved over the uncles, aunts, grandparents and cousins. His attention focused on the young couples, the way they seemed to take their joy in their children and not away from each other.

  How did they get so lucky?

  His mother couldn't manage him, and when she'd dumped him he wasn't exactly in diapers. And his father, hell, Luc wasn't sure the man he remembered was his dad. He hadn't stuck around long enough to make much of an impression, except with the back of his hand.