Leaving His Mark

by T A. McKay

  Somehow I doubt it, Gabe isn’t your relationship type guy and he has never mentioned being more than friends. Every time he uses that word my heart breaks a little. As much as I love being his friend I would love more if he were to grab me and tell me that he likes me and wants a proper relationship with me. I sigh when I think about what will never be, the life that I could never have with Gabe except for in my head.

  “That’s never a good noise. What’s going on in that head of yours, Shorty?” I look over to the other side of the couch where he’s leaning against the back with a bottle of beer in his hand. He’s so sexy just sitting there. His hair is messy still from my hands grabbing it earlier, he hasn’t even bothered to sort it out. No matter how sexy he looks there is no way I'm telling him what I'm actually thinking about, I don’t need him to know how pathetic I am.

  “How well do you know Paul?” It’s the only thing I can think of quickly, the thing that’s the furthest from my thoughts as possible.

  “Other than the fact that he’s kinda good with a gun, not that much. I know the guy’s a dick and I don’t really like him but as long as he keeps his clients happy I let his lack of personality slide.” I don’t know how guys can do that, just turn off their feelings about people because they’re good at their job. I would never be able to work so closely with someone I really didn’t like. Thankfully I have very little contact with Paul so I can easily hide my distaste for him. I suppose it’s unfair to call it distaste, let’s just say I don’t trust him.

  “Have you ever had any complaints about him?” I don’t know why I ask. It totally makes it sound like I'm accusing him of something and I don’t want to get into that.

  “About his work or about him? Either way I haven’t heard anyone say anything bad, well not anything that I would fire him over. Why are you asking, has he done something?” I shake my head not wanting to get into what happened at the shop today. I keep telling myself that I'm overreacting to it, and I don’t want to look stupid when Paul tells Gabe he was only trying it on.

  “No nothing like that, was just wondering. He is a dick though, I'm not sure I like him.” He laughs at my comment before taking a drink. I smile as I watch him, I really think I could fall hard for this guy.

  “That’s okay, beautiful. I don’t think anyone likes him.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  “So are you gonna go see him?” I watch Clay over the table as he flirts with the waitress. I don’t know how he manages to talk to me about something so serious while trying to get some girl’s number. I would applaud his skills but I don’t want the praise to go to his head. He watches the waitress walk away before turning back to me, his eyebrows raised, questioning.

  “I have no fucking idea. I wish I could just forget all about him but he’ll just keep calling if I don’t go. I don’t know if I'm strong enough to hear what he needs to tell me. I don’t believe for one second that he’s suddenly realised how fucked up he was and needs to make amends. I know he's up to something but I don’t know how to stop it.” Clay takes a sip of his coffee and I can see his brain working. I’ll always be thankful that I met Clay when I arrived, he has been a constant friend and support when I’ve needed him. He’s had my back for as long as I’ve known him and will fight in my corner without question.

  “Do you want me to check him out before you go? I can easily talk to some guys I know in there, see if there’s anything to report.” It would be so easy to let Clay make this decision for me, let him tell me if I should go or not but I know that I’m the only person who can make this choice.

  I rip up the napkin in front of me trying to ease some of the built up tension that’s humming through my body. I feel like I'm an elastic band that has been pulled too tight and I’m ready to snap at any moment. I feel the need to release some of this energy and there is only one way I want to do that. My mind drifts to Rhys and as soon as it does some really filthy memories rush through my brain. Our session in the kitchen yesterday wasn’t meant to happen but I'm so fucking glad it did. I can’t seem to get enough of her, every time she looks at me I want to be inside her and taste her all over. I close my eyes and try to get my excited body under control, this is neither the time nor place for me to get a hard on.

  “Well going by the look on your face, your mind is not on my question. If I had to put money on it I would say that it was safely in the knickers of a hot little blonde we both know.” I should be embarrassed that he can read me so easily but I’m focusing on the fact he called her hot. No one gets to say shit like that apart from me. I'm probably about to play right into his hands but I can’t hold my tongue, she has worked herself too far under my skin for me to sit back and just accept him looking at her.

  “That hot little blonde you speak of. You keep your fucking eyes off her or I will poke them out.” Even though the words are said through gritted teeth Clay pays me no attention, his laughter meeting my ears before I even finish talking.

  “Well shit. You got it bad, bro. Wanna tell me what’s happening there?” I relax a little, there’s no point getting possessive about her when it’s obvious he doesn’t see her like that. He just needs to keep his little comments to himself, I know she’s hot, no one knows more than me just how hot she is.

  “I have no idea. It started as nothing, friends having fun and I think she’s still on that page, but now? Fuck, I just wish I knew what this feeling was. I don’t do the girlfriend thing, you know that as much as I do, but I get these stupid thoughts and feelings that make me wish I did.” I grab my coffee needing to do something with my hands. I can’t just sit here and be truthful about my feelings without distracting myself. Clay sits forward in his seat and leans his arms on the table between us.

  “You’re not kidding are you? You really like her. Fuck Gabe, I thought you were just fucking her, you know like she was easily accessible because she lives with you.” I feel the tension in my body return as he talks about me and Rhys like that. I know we not in love but I’d like to think that what we have is more than just fucking, well it is to me at least. I lean forward, mirroring his position.

  “I'm not just fucking Rhys so be very careful with what you say next.” The corner of his mouth twitches with a supressed smirk.

  “I didn’t think I’d ever see the great Gabe Ryan in love. It’s a good look on you, dude. Have you told her yet?” Love? No one’s mentioned love in this conversation. My heart starts to race in my chest with his love talk, no, I never said I was in love. My heart is racing and I realise that this isn’t the first time I have thought about loving Rhys. It’s the thought that’s been plaguing my waking hours. Can I be in love with Rhys, do I know her well enough to love her? I’ve spent my whole life emotionally closed off from everyone that I'm not sure what love actually looks like. I haven’t exactly had good role models, there was my mum and dad whose love, if there was any, was based on fear. Uncle Greg was no role model either, he was constantly single and always told me that he’d spent his life meeting and falling for the wrong women. Then there’s Clay, Mr ‘I don’t want love I just want in your knickers’ Wilson and he's the last guy I will take advice love advice from.

  “I'm not in love with her, I don’t know what I feel but I'm pretty sure it’s not love. I think.” With another laugh he reaches over and pats me on the shoulder.

  “It was good knowing you, brother. I have a feeling I might be about to lose you to the settled down, grown up gang.” I sit back, making his hand fall onto the table. He thinks he’s so funny, I'm going to remember this day for when he’s in this situation. When he needs someone to help him work out what’s happening, I'm going to laugh at him. I need to change the subject, I need to get his attention away from this topic.

  “I think I need to go see my dad. I’m going to have talk to him one day and get this over and done with, I just wish I didn’t have to.” Clay holds up his hands like he's holding a shield and makes a pow pow noise.

  “Great deflection, I didn’t know that was
your super power.” I grab my wallet from my back pocket and take out two five pound notes before throwing them on the table and standing up. Even if I didn’t want to escape this conversation, I need to get back to the shop, being the owner doesn’t mean I get to take liberties with my lunch breaks. I try to be serious with him and he laughs at me. I don’t know why, there’s no such thing as a sensible talk with Clay. I often wonder why he’s so successful in his profession and instils confidence in people when he can’t even act like an adult around me for two seconds.

  “Screw you, Clay.” I walk towards the door and hear that annoying laugh follow me. I swear ninety percent of the time he spends with me he’s laughing, usually at me. I wish I could hate him but I can’t, he is the most loyal friend I have ever had.

  “I’ll let you know when I find out anything about Rhys’s creeper, soon hopefully.” I nod at him over my shoulder and he salutes me before I leave the café. With him on the case I know it won’t be long before I find out who this sick fuck is and when I find out who he is, I swear there will be hell to pay.

  I’ve tried really hard to stay away from Paul today but it’s been difficult. His appointment book has been full of small tattoos so he has been in and out through reception a lot. Every time he comes out he looks at me as though he wants to devour me and it’s so fucking unnerving it’s making my skin crawl. When Gabe looks at me with the same intensity in his eyes I want to fall at his feet and let him have his way with me, but when it’s Paul, I want to go home and have a shower. He’s been getting too close again today, touching me whenever possible and I just want to go home, take a bath and relax for the rest of the day.

  Gabe has spent the majority of the day locked away in his office so he hasn’t been able to help me escape Paul’s unwanted attention. He takes one day a month to catch up on paperwork and everything else needed to keep the shop open. Having him in the office at least kept Paul in the workroom, but when he went out to lunch Paul made himself very comfortable on the sofa next to my desk. I spent the best part of an hour pretending to be too busy to talk. The relief I felt when Gabe walked through the door can’t be expressed, even though he looked like someone had kicked his dog. He was pissed to find Paul lounging around and after ripped him a new one, Paul thankfully he went back to work even if it was in a shit mood. He hasn’t been back through since then making my afternoon a lot better than my morning.

  I'm counting the money in my drawer when Gabe walks out his office. I stop counting knowing it won’t take me long to redo it, very few people pay by cash these days. He puts a stack of envelopes on my desk, all of them stamped and addressed.

  “Could I possibly ask you to post these for me? I know it’s not your job but I need to be somewhere and I'm running late.” I grab the stack and put them in my bag under the desk.

  “That’s fine, I’ll drop them off after work.” He puts on his leather jacket and I unashamedly watch him, not even trying hide the fact that I’m eye fucking him. I love the way his t-shirt strains against his muscles, he really is the perfect specimen of man.

  “Will you be able to get home on your own? I need to get going and I don’t know what time I will be back.” I look up at the clock and see that it’s two o’clock, today is our early close but I still have a few hours left before I leave.

  “Yeah, I’ll be fine walking. It’s a lovely day so it will be nice to be out for a while.” I wonder where’s he's going, he hasn’t mentioned anything about going out but then I remember that he doesn’t need to tell me, I'm not his girlfriend. He looks awkward as he continues to stand in front of me.

  “What’s wrong, Gabe?” The look on his face has too many scenarios running through my head of what is wrong with him, and none of them are good. It looks like he’s received the worst news in the world and he's just trying to work out how to tell me.

  “Yeah, it’s just … I was wondering if there was somewhere else you could stay tonight? I need to go and do something and I don’t want you to be there when I get back.” His voice is gentle but the words hit me like a ton of bricks. He doesn’t want me to be there, oh God, is he bringing back another woman? I hadn’t even thought about what would happen when he’d had enough of me. How awkward it would be when he wanted someone else. I start messing about with things on my desk, I need to cover the tears that are forming in my eyes.

  “Oh, yeah, of course. I’ll make sure I'm out of your hair tonight.” I stop moving when he places his hand on top of mine. I take a deep breath and look up at him trying not to blink, I don’t want to dislodge the lurking tears.

  “I'm going to see my dad and I don’t know what’s gonna happen. The last time I lost my mind around you I hurt you and I refuse to do that again.” I feel my heart start to beat again and I realise I feel too much relief from the knowledge that he won’t be with another woman. That relief is short lived when I realise what he's actually just said.

  “You’re going to see your dad? Why would you do that?” I can’t keep the shock out of my voice. I can’t believe what I'm hearing, he’s already told me that he never wanted to see or talk to his dad ever again and I really don’t blame him after everything he put him through. So why is he going to see him now?

  “Yeah, I think it’s time for me to get it over and done with. Wish me luck.” He tries to sound upbeat but he doesn’t fool me. I can see the uneasiness in his eyes. I want to walk around my desk and hold him, wrap him in my arms until he feels better but I know I can’t. I just give him the most convincing smile I can muster and wish him luck before saying goodbye.

  As I watch him leaving the shop, I’m so tempted to pack up and go with him. So he knows he isn’t alone in all this, that he has my full support but now I have a problem of my own. I need to find somewhere to sleep tonight. I promised Gabe I wouldn’t be there when he gets home but I really don’t have anywhere to go, I still don’t know anyone in the area. Then I remember that I haven’t handed back the keys for my old apartment yet and I let out a sigh of relief. It’s not the ideal solution and I know I’ll spend the night awake and paranoid. Haunted by the idea that whoever broke in the first time will return to finish what they started but I really don’t have any other option. I don’t want Gabe to regret asking me to move in and if I can’t give him some space he’ll want me out as soon as possible.

  I hear a noise and look up to see Paul putting his jacket on. I look at his appointment book and see he has another two clients coming in this afternoon. He's already had his lunch and he's not due another break but with Gabe leaving I know that he’ll take liberties. I don’t know what to say to him, I'm not his boss so I can’t really demand that he tells me where he’s going or when he’ll be back but I need to know in case his client turns up.

  “Will you be back in time for your next client?” I say it with a smile on my face, trying to keep him relaxed but not give him the wrong idea. He grabs his keys from his pocket.

  “I'm skipping the rest of the day, tell my clients something came up.” Just like that he dismisses me and heads towards the front door. I'm up out of my seat and around my desk before he even gets half way across the reception, I’m not going to let him brush me off like that.

  “What do you mean your leaving? You have two clients booked in this afternoon. I won’t lie for you, Paul. You need to stay here and do your job.” I don’t know what part of my angry rant pisses him off the most but he’s quickly in my face making me take a step back. My back meets the wall behind my desk and I realise I’ve nowhere else to go, my escape has been blocked off by his huge body. I didn’t notice the difference in our size the other day in the storage room, but now that he's angry I can definitely see it. He towers above me and I feel very vulnerable, memories of Marc flood my mind.

  “I don’t know who you think your talking to, sexy, but let me tell you, this won’t end well if you talk to me like that again. I don’t give a fuck what you think I should or shouldn’t do. Just know one thing, if you weren’t mine I wouldn’t pu
t up with this shit, that’s the only thing that’s saving your arse at the moment.” His voice is calm and it scares me almost as much as what he’s saying. What does he mean I'm his? I'm not his and never will I be.

  He reaches out and runs a finger down my cheek, his eyes never leaving mine. He leans in towards me and I'm convinced he's going to kiss me. I’m torn between passing out from lack of breathing or screaming my head off and hoping someone will hear me. I can feel a drop of sweat run down my back, I don’t think I’ve ever felt this kind of intense fear. I'm praying he will just leave now, I don’t care about his clients anymore.

  “You will be mine gorgeous.” The words surround me in a thick atmosphere of fear as he walks away leaving the shop. My legs are no longer able to keep me up and I have to use the wall for support as I lower myself to the ground. I have no idea what to do here, I’m so naive when it comes to situations like this. Maybe this is Paul’s way of showing me that he likes me but doesn’t know how to show it in a socially accepted way? It’s seems too intense, too forceful. I know I don’t have a lot of experience when it comes to guys, but this doesn’t seem right

  I close my eyes and drop my head back against the wall, I need to a hold of myself.

  I have two options concerning Paul and honestly neither of them fills me with joy. I can either tell Gabe about what’s been happening and see what he will do. The only problem with that is he’s already told me he puts up with Paul’s shit because of his talent. Who am I to think that he would put me before his shop, I’m expendable, anyone can do my job but Paul’s shoes would be harder to fill. The second option and the one I'm probably going to go with, is to just ignore it. Put it down to some annoying attraction he has and avoid being alone with him as much as possible. That’s what I need to do, it really is my only option if I want to keep my job. I get up from the floor and try not to think about what just happened, even though I have a terrifying feeling that I’ve heard his words before.