Thinking About It Only Makes It Worse

by David Mitchell

  Sir Alan Sugar, the government’s new “enterprise tsar” … could lose his TV show appeared as “Whatever next – a man with an opinion?”, on 14 June 2009

  I went to the Boat Race for the first time this year appeared as “If the Boat Race is more exciting than the election, politics is in deep water”, on 11 April 2010

  When I first heard someone say “No publicity is bad publicity” appeared as “Actually, you won’t find female empowerment halfway up a pole”, on 18 April 2010

  David Cameron’s career is cursed by fate appeared as “David Cameron feels the hand of history where it hurts”, on 25 April 2010

  Nick Clegg gets a lot of stick these days appeared as “Nick Clegg’s new health regime means he’s clearly not fit for office”, on 4 December 2011

  When did rebranding start? appeared as “I’m glad the ASBO is going, but most rebranding is just a load of bull”, on 13 February 2011

  A senior member of the judiciary has got himself into terrible trouble appeared as “Where should we place burglars on the bravery–cowardice spectrum?”, on 9 December 2012

  We often change how we express ourselves depending on whom we’re talking to appeared as “Being unentertaining is the least of our politicians’ shortcomings”, on 15 September 2013

  They say that nothing is more evocative of times past than a smell appeared as “Hold the front page: long-awaited report into Suez crisis out soon!”, on 20 April 2014

  What ungodly things must David Silvester think Ukip has done to deserve this ceaseless media shitstorm? appeared as “With Nigel turning ‘nice’, who will all the nasty people vote for?”, on 26 January 2014

  What do the British want from their politicians? appeared as “Why can’t our leaders give up trying to make us like them? We don’t, OK?”, on 30 March 2014

  “But, Miss Marple, it’s all an absolute mystery!” appeared as “How shall we solve life’s mysteries? ‘Knitting, dear,’ declared Miss Marple”, on 8 December 2013

  Not everyone is screwed by the credit crunch appeared as “Hot dogs made from cats? That’s tasty”, on 29 March 2009

  “Don’t mention the crunch!” hissed the manic hotelier appeared as “Heard the one about the top banker who said sorry? No, me neither”, on 2 May 2010

  “Who’s the richest person in the world?” appeared as “Why shouldn’t a teacher earn more than Dave? After all, he’s a class act”, on 18 July 2010

  Occasionally … I think it might be a good thing if money ceased to exist appeared as “Better we fund our political parties than let lobbyists rule the roost”, on 27 November 2011

  Sometimes it’s down to the director-general of the British Retail Consortium to sum up the national mood appeared as “Is Bob Diamond less bright than his name suggests?”, on 18 December 2011

  The recession in advertising is having an interesting side-effect appeared as “Are you a clumsy klutz? Help is at hand”, on 15 November 2009

  When the chairman of the Nationwide building society … tried to justify its executives’ pay to a restive AGM appeared as “Top bankers have one special skill: convincing us they merit millions”, on 28 July 2013

  The higher education watchdog has revealed … it received 900 complaints from students appeared as “Your dog’s died? Have an A-level then”, on 24 May 2009

  A recent newspaper headline chilled me to the bone appeared as “Pointless studies are the key to evolution”, on 27 September 2009

  There’s often a lot of controversy surrounding how history is taught appeared as “How learning dates could oil the wheels of British social intercourse”, on 11 March 2012

  Parents’ groups were shocked to discover what the Guides have been getting up to lately appeared as “Be prepared – but for what? A Guides’ guide to the modern world”, on 18 March 2012

  Michael Gove’s scheme to send a … Bible to every state school … has been saved appeared as “Michael Gove’s biblical zeal is a ruse”, on 20 May 2012

  The age of the weeds is finally dawning appeared as “Now the weedy kid is king it must be time to reinvent school sports day”, on 24 November 2013

  Who can fail to have been impressed by … President Obama’s inauguration? appeared as “Let’s hear it for mad monarchy”, on 25 January 2009

  Birmingham City FC’s next opponent must surely feel that victory is assured appeared as “Chin up, Midlanders, you’re in clover”, on 30 August 2009

  Imagine you’re running an elite branch of the police appeared as “Is a catchy title really the best means of safeguarding nuclear security?”, on 19 December 2010

  Sometimes you don’t see victory coming appeared as “English, American – supermen all look the same to the real superpowers”, on 6 February 2011

  The British government has submitted its list of nominees for world heritage site status appeared as “World heritage status? Follow the bear …”, on 27 March 2011

  I was shocked by an article in the Guardian that was incredibly down on the Queen’s diamond jubilee appeared as “The Queen’s jubilee should be a time of rejoicing for our spoilsports”, on 3 June 2012

  On St George’s Day 2013 the English Tourist Board … announced a list of “101 Things to Do Before You Go Abroad” appeared as “Discover white-knuckle England with this handy holiday guide …”, on 28 April 2013

  Americans inclined to mock the British habit of unnecessarily saying sorry … appeared as “There’s no need to apologise for the sorry state of Britain. But I’m sorry”, on 27 October 2013

  As I write this, I can see the sun shining on the Mediterranean appeared as “Now is the summer of my discontent: it’s just too sunny to write this column”, on 27 April 2014

  The key to conservatism is knowing what to conserve appeared as “Churchill could teach conservatives a thing or two and not just about France”, on 7 November 2010

  I find myself in the unprecedented position of agreeing with a French designer appeared as “Spare me that rubbish about your ‘rights’”, on 21 June 2009

  Susie Dent, dictionary cornerstone of Countdown’s revamped cathedral … appeared as “Only a poltroon despises pedantry”, on 3 January 2010

  Michael Gove has made a startling attempt, in advance of the centenary of the outbreak of the first world war … appeared as “‘Goveadder’: the education secretary meets his fate in the trenches”, on 12 January 2014

  The world needs snakes more than it needs apostrophes appeared as “Snakes are evil, but save your venom for the self-appointed language police”, on 13 June 2010

  The first printed Christmas cards … were the brainchild of Sir Henry Cole appeared as “Christmas cards allow us to say much less to a greater number of people”, on 12 December 2010

  “The game’s gone mad,” says Richard Keys appeared as “Andy Gray and Richard Keys have met their Waterloo. I’m glad”, on 30 January 2011

  “Do you want to tell that to Her Majesty Queen Noor?” appeared as “Royals have the right to be picky … so let them eat mangoes in Berkshire”, on 6 May 2012

  There are lean times ahead for Britain’s high streets appeared as “An appetite for self-improvement is more embarrassing than overeating”, on 29 April 2012

  Dare you compromise on sphincteral cleanliness? appeared as “This Japanese plot to wipe out the Andrex puppy simply won’t wash”, on 30 May 2010

  At the high points of my childhood … my father took photographs appeared as “The camera never lies, well not when there are so many of them now”, on 4 July 2012

  Weather forecasters must be breathing a sigh of relief appeared as “If only weathermen were honest and said forecasts were just a bit of fun”, on 5 December 2010

  On Valentine’s Day, as usual, I received several heartfelt anonymous messages appeared as “An internet troll’s opinion should carry no more weight than graffiti”, on 19 February 2012

  Those of us who worry about the old media have had a fraught week appeared as “Clark Kent’s got a new job. But where
next for Morse, Jeeves and Mr Chips?”, on 28 October 2012

  The flaw in dating websites’ business model has come into focus appeared as “Not even Michael Gove can rectify a generation’s ignorance of dating”, on 4 August 2013

  Scientists may have discovered a way of reversing the ageing process appeared as “The key to eternal youth – don’t hold your breath”, on 22 September 2013

  … when writing this sort of thing, I try, if at all possible, to avoid venturing opinions appeared as “Want to tell the world what you really think? Say it with a stamp”, on 8 June 2014

  INDEX

  (the initials DM refer to David Mitchell)

  Abramovich, Roman 1

  Abrams, JJ 1

  Abulafia, Prof. David 1

  Academy of English, and why it shouldn’t exist 1

  accidents, a plan to finally eradicate them 1

  Act of Settlement 1

  advertising and marketing: and alcohol 1, 2

  cigars 1

  and food 1, 2

  and hiding flaws in plain sight 1

  and meerkats 1

  and toothpaste 1

  Advertising Standards Authority 1, 2

  Afghanistan 1, 2

  ageing, reversing the process of 1

  Air Zimbabwe 1

  al-Qaida, winning an award for a watercolour 1

  alcohol: and advertising 1

  weaning on to 1

  Aldershot Town FC 1

  Allen, Woody 1

  ’Allo ’Allo! 1

  Amazon 1, 2

  Andrew, Prince, Duke of York 1, 2

  Animal: 24:7 1

  anonymous online messages/comments 1

  antisocial behaviour, and why it must be legal 1

  Any Questions 1

  apologising 1, 2

  apostrophes 1, 2, 3

  Apple 1

  Apprentice, The 1, 2

  Archer, PC Gary 1

  Archer, Jeffrey 1

  Arsenal FC 1, 2

  art: Cock Jesus 1

  Mona Lisa 1, 2

  Piss Christ 1

  ASBOs, DM’s dislike of what they’re called 1, 2

  Ashcroft, Lord 1

  Assange, Julian, some fictional remarks of 1

  Atkinson, Colin 1

  Aykroyd, Dan 1

  Baker, Norman 1

  Baldwin, Stanley 1

  Bale, Christian 1

  bankers: and bonuses 1

  and global financial crisis 1, 2;

  see also global financial crisis as new Germans 1, 2

  obscene remuneration of 1, 2

  piss-taking 1

  as TV-show idea 1

  unapologetic 1, 2

  Banksy 1

  Barclays 1, 2

  Baron Cohen, Sacha, Staines’ attempt to disassociate itself from him 1

  Bartram, Dr David 1

  Batman 1, 2

  Batman Begins (Begins!? It never fucking ends) 1

  Baylis, Trevor 1

  BBC: and canoodling Wimbledon spectators 1

  and Clarkson 1

  and daytime TV 1

  director-general of, as TV-show idea 1

  Gove’s “pinkos” at 1

  and impartiality 1

  other media denigrate 1, 2

  plot to destroy 1

  Radio 1 2

  and “Sachsgate” 1

  and weather forecasters 1

  see also television; individual programme titles

  BBC Worldwide 1

  Beale, Graham 1, 2

  Beck, Glenn 1

  Beckham, David 1

  bees, training dogs to impersonate 1

  Bellamy, Craig 1

  Best, George 1

  Bibby, Jennifer 1

  bingo, nauseatingly patronising tax cut on 1

  Birmingham 1 see also West Midlands

  Birmingham City FC 1, 2

  Blackadder 1 “remake” of 1

  Michael Gove thinks it’s a drama 1

  Blackadder Goes Forth 1

  Blair, Tony 1, 2, 3 “Am I Bovvered?” sketch of 1

  closest we’ve come to electing a genocidal maniac, 1

  and Iraq invasion 1, 2

  Blatter, Sepp 1

  Blears, Hazel 1

  Bloom, Godfrey 1

  Blumenthal, Heston 1

  Boat Race 1

  body weight 1

  bottom-wiping 1

  Bowers, Judge Peter 1, 2

  Box of Delights, The 1

  Boyle, Danny 1

  Boyle, Frankie 1, 2, 3

  Boyle, Susan 1

  BP 1, 2

  BPP 1, 2

  BPPP no such thing

  Brady, Karren 1

  “brainchild” 1 see also words, new, favourite and not so favourite

  Brand, Russell 1, 2

  Branson, Richard 1, 2

  Brazil 1

  Brett, Jeremy 1

  Bristow, Keith 1

  Britain’s Next Top Model 1

  British National Party (BNP) 1

  British Rail 1, 2

  British Retail Consortium 1

  Brittin, Max 1

  Brooker, Charlie 1

  Brooks, Mel 1

  Brown, Gordon 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and Boyle’s health 1

  Cable’s overrated joke concerning 1

  Chilcott Inquiry set up by 1

  crises in government of 1

  election date confirmed by 1

  Brown, Sarah 1

  Brunel, Isambard Kingdom 1

  Burley, Aiden, Nazi outfit hiring of 1

  Burnham, Andy 1

  Bush, George W. 1 and Iraq invasion 1

  Butlin’s 1, 2

  Byrne, Justin 1

  Cable, Vince 1

  Call the Midwife 1

  Cambridge Union Society 1

  Cameron, David 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 appearance of 1

  appearing to make an effort 1

  “change” mantra of 1

  and “nasty party” image 1

  old Tory background of 1

  and platitudes over policies 1

  refusing to say anything positive about burglars 1

  and UK’s military agreements with France 1

  unfitness of, for government 1

  Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall 1, 2

  Campbell, Alastair 1

  Carey, George, and use of the phrase “political correctness gone mad” 1

  Carling Black Label, its contribution to world heritage 1

  Carlyle, Robert, pants of 1

  Carmichael, Laura 1

  Carry On at Your Convenience 1

  Carry On Up the Khyber 1

  Cash in the Attic 1

  Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, filmed having sex (in my imagination) 1

  Cavill, Henry 1, 2, 3

  Cerf, Vinton 1

  Chamberlain, Neville 1

  change 1 as Cameron mantra 1

  Charles II 1

  Charles, Prince of Wales 1, 2

  chefs, irritating nature of 1

  Cheltenham Science Festival 1

  Chilcott Inquiry 1

  Chilcott, Sir John 1, 2

  China 1

  Christmas cards, and the industrialisation of good cheer 1

  Chuckle Brothers, televised death of 1

  Churchill, Winston 1, 2, 3, 4

  Cif/Jif 1

  Civil Nuclear Constabulary 1

  Clarkson, Jeremy 1, 2

  Cleese, John 1

  Clegg, Nick 1, 2, 3 breaker of promises 1

  and Chilcott Inquiry 1

  in leadership debates 1

  rowing machine of 1

  Cock Jesus 1

  Coe, Seb 1

  Cole, Cheryl 1

  Cole, Sir Henry 1

  Comic Relief 1

  Communications Data Bill 1, 2

  conflict, media’s obsession with 1

  Connery, Sean 1

  Consignia 1

  cookery programmes 1

  Cookie Monster 1

  Countdown 1, 2

  Cour
age brewery 1

  Courage, John, serendipitous name of 1

  Coventry City FC 1

  Cowboy Trap 1

  Cowell, Simon 1

  Cox, Dr Lynne 1

  Coyote, Wile E. 1, 2

  Craig, Daniel 1

  credit crunch, see global financial crisis

  Crest 1

  Crick, Francis 1

  Crowe, Russell 1

  Curtis, Richard 1

  Dad’s Army 1

  Daily Mail 1, 2, 3, 4

  Daily Mirror 1, 2

  Daily Planet 1

  Daily Telegraph 1

  Daly, Tess 1

  Darling, Alistair 1

  dating 1 via websites 1, 2

  Davies, Toby 1

  Davis, Paul 1

  Dawkins, Richard 1

  daytime television 1

  de Francisco, Juan 1

  de Mooi, CJ, fictional cookery of 1

  De Niro, Robert 1, 2

  Deepwater Horizon, oil spill in, see Gulf of Mexico

  Dennis, Hugh 1

  Dent, Susie 1, 2

  Dexter, Colin 1

  Diamond, Bob 1

  Disney 1, 2, 3

  DNA 1

  Doctor Who 1, 2, 3

  Dr Strangelove 1

  Doctors 1

  dogs, dyed to look like other animals as solution to biodiversity crisis 1

  Double Falsehood 1

  Dowler, Milly 1

  Downfall 1

  Downton Abbey 1, terribleness and enjoyability of 1, 2

  Duffy, Lisa 1

  East Midlands, laudable self-loathing of 1

  EasyJet 1, 2

  Ebdon, Peter, similarity to Vladimir Putin 1

  education: and Bibles in schools 1

  and students’ complaints 1

  and teachers’ pay 1, 2

  teaching of history 1

  universities 1

  Edward II 1

  Elizabeth II 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 diamond jubilee of 1, 2