Until Forever (Women of Prayer)

by Shortridge, Darlene

  “You see I didn’t know what real love was, and here was a man who was willing to give up his dreams of a family because he loved me.” Merry took a moment to wipe the tears from her eyes. Jessi was on her second tissue. “My story doesn’t stop there, Jessi. There is still more to tell. I still had my dream of having children, but I knew that was never to be. What I didn’t realize was just how big of a God I now served. He loved me too, and it hurt him when I was hurting. He looked down at me and saw my broken heart and decided that out of his mercy he would give me what I didn’t deserve. That’s when he gave me you. God loves you, Jessi. He’s had a plan for your life since the day you were created.”

  Jessi couldn’t stop crying. She embraced her aunt tightly and didn’t let go for a long time. She pulled away and looked at her aunt. “I love you, Aunt Merry. I will always love you no matter what.”

  Merry gazed at the daughter of her heart. This was the part that was going to hurt Jessi the most, but she couldn’t stop now. She had to go on. “I will always love you too.”

  Jessi started to get up to put on tea water, but Aunt Merry pulled her back down next to her. “Jessi, there is something else I have to talk to you about. I bet you are wondering why I let you read my journals, why I’ve told you all about my past mistakes.”

  Jessi had to admit she had wondered that very thing. “It has crossed my mind a few times.”

  “I’m sure it has. Do you realize that Mark and I aren’t so different? That we are both guilty of the same crimes, except if you look closely enough, there would be evidence according to some that my sin would be worse? Not only did I ask someone to kill my child, but I paid them to do it. In Mark’s case, he would have never willingly taken Ethan’s life. Yes, he made an extremely poor decision, and the consequences of his actions happened to take someone we love very much away from us. In my case, my decision was to take the life of my child and the consequence was I was never to bear a child again. There is a big difference between the two, Jessi.” Jessi was crying and shaking her head no. Merry still went further. “Yes, Jessi, I am no better than Mark. Are you able to forgive me now that you know what I have done? You said earlier that you would always love me, but I don’t think you really thought it through. Your emotions were leading you and you were feeling the pain that I was going through. Because if you forgive me of my horrific sin, how can you not forgive the man you vowed to love you till death do you part? He has changed, Jessi. He is no longer the same Mark, but one who has found the love of God. He still struggles with his guilt just like I did, even after finding my faith. John saw fit to love me when I didn’t think I was worthy. Do you know why John still loved me?”

  Jessi shook her head no, the tears still flowing down her face.

  “Because he knew that he was just as guilty as I was. God doesn’t see our sin as being better or worse than anyone else’s. He just sees sin. And it’s all bad to him. You see, John knew that he wasn’t any better than me. He also knew that if he trusted God, God would take care of everything. He would fill in the empty parts. So I ask you again, Jessi. How can you say you can forgive me if you are unable to forgive Mark? True, you didn’t know my child; I didn’t even know my child. Maybe that was what made it easy to justify. But that doesn’t change the fact of what I did. I know that you have feelings for Mark. I’ve seen it in your eyes when you don’t think anyone is watching. You have come to care for him again. Maybe in a way you didn’t before. I don’t know, but if you don’t take the opportunity to find out you’ll never know if you were truly meant to be. Jessi, follow your heart and don’t keep holding on to not forgiving. It will keep you from the life you are meant to lead.”

  Merry left Jessi sitting on the couch with her thoughts and a box of tissues. In her room she got down on her knees and prayed like she’d never prayed before.

  Chapter 33

  The snow started falling in earnest sometime after midnight, and when Merry looked out the window first thing in the morning, the entire landscape was shrouded in white. She had only seen such beauty in pictures. It had been a couple of days since she had confessed her past to Jessi, and, being true to herself, Jessi was taking a few days to think before she reacted. She’d always been this way.

  Wondering if today was the day Olivia would hold her to the promise of making a snowman, Merry went about making the morning coffee. She liked having a few minutes to herself before anyone else got up in the morning. She’d spend some time in prayer and in her Bible while sipping on her coffee. It was a wonderful time of day. Being able to see God’s creation as she sat at the breakfast table was also an addition to her morning devotionals. She was halfway through her Bible reading when the phone rang. It was Mark asking if he could come over and sled with Olivia on the back hill right after lunch. Assuring him that it would be fine, she set the phone back on its cradle and resumed her reading.

  Shortly after she started pancakes and bacon, both Olivia and Jessi came wandering out of their bedrooms, wondering what smelled so good. Jessi poured herself a cup of coffee. “I think you should stick around here. The coffee is ready every morning and breakfast is in the making. I think you are a keeper.” She set her coffee down and wrapped her arms around her aunt. “Have I told you lately that I love you?”

  Merry smiled over her shoulder. “I think it’s been at least a couple of days, so I am very glad to hear it again.” Relieved that Jessi was in a better mood than she had been the past couple of days, she flipped the pancakes and turned the bacon with a song on her lips.

  Jessi noticed her singing. “You seem awfully happy this morning.”

  “I get this way when someone I love has made me happy. Speaking of being happy, Mark called and asked if he could come over and try out that new sled he got Olivia for Christmas. What do you think, Olivia? Do you want to try out your new sled on the hill out back with your dad?”

  Olivia ran to the window and looked outside. She let out a squeal. “It snowed last night. I get to go sledding. Maybe we can make a snowman too.” She looked at her aunt. “Remember, you said you would make a snowman with me.”

  “I remember, child. I just hope I don’t freeze out there. Should we gather up the stuff for decorating our snowman while we wait for your dad to come? He said he was coming right after lunch, so it won’t be too long till he comes since you slept in so late. Maybe we can even get a head start on making the snowman while we wait. I think it is warmer out there now than it will be when you two are done sledding. After finishing breakfast, Merry and Olivia gathered up the carrot, hat, scarf, some licorice for the mouth, and two black buttons, which would have to do for the eyes, while Jessi cleaned up the kitchen. Jessi got out her new digital camera, a gift from her aunt, to take pictures of the two of them laughing and playing in the snow. Aunt Merry was like a child romping in snow for the first time in her life. They rolled and pushed and even tried to pull the biggest snowball they had ever made. They got Jessi in on it when they couldn’t budge the thing from where it sat, which still didn’t help. Therefore, Snowman Bob, as Olivia named him, sat right in middle of the uncovered walkway.

  Aunt Merry volunteered a solution. “Guess we’ll just shovel around it, or Mark might be able to help us move it later.”

  “We won’t be moving it if we finish putting it together. I guess we can call him Greeter Bob. What do you think of that, Olivia?”

  “I think it’s great. What a cool place for a snowman. He’ll say hi to everyone who comes over.”

  They had just finished putting the finishing touches on him when Mark pulled into the driveway. “What a great snowman.” He kicked some snow up and found the sidewalk underneath and started laughing. “I’m assuming you do not want him shoveled off the walk.” He grabbed the snow shovel that Jessi had brought from the garage and started clearing the walkway. It was a beautiful winter day. The sun was out and the temperature was just above freezing, a perfect day for making snowmen and sledding.

  Jessi looked at the snowball in
her hand one last time before letting it rip. He just made too good of a target to not give in to the temptation.

  Mark ran for cover after the first snowball hit him right upside the head. He dove behind his car. “This is war!”

  Merry ran for the house. She couldn’t remember a time when she was happier. Jessi had just been hit by a fastball and was laughing so hard she was on the ground. Olivia was involved too, but not to the extent that Jessi and Mark were. They were having the time of their life. Merry gave thanks for this gift of snow. “This is exactly what they needed, Lord. Thank you.”

  The snowball fight went on for a good fifteen minutes until Jessi called a truce. While the three of them headed out to the hill behind the house for some sledding fun, Merry used up the last of the turkey to make some turkey noodle soup. It would be the perfect thing to warm them up and fill them up when they were ready to come in. When the three of them came in the door, making more noise than anyone should be capable of, she had the table set and a fire going. After they stripped off all their wet clothes and boots, they washed up and joined Aunt Merry at the table, all three of them talking at once, telling a different version of the same story. After finishing the light supper of soup and sandwiches, Olivia wanted to be read to. Merry quickly volunteered. “I’ll read to her. I want to spend some quiet time with her. You guys go on and do whatever you want. I put the Yahtzee game on the counter. You could play that if you want.”

  Merry and Olivia went in the living room and curled up together by the fire. It was getting to be the hour where the light of day was giving way to darkness in preparation for a peaceful evening of rest. The way the darkness rested on the new fallen snow was a sight to behold, catching Mark’s attention. He caught Jessi off guard. “Would you like to go for a walk? No snowballs, I promise. Scout’s honor.” He held up the scout sign with his hand.

  “I didn’t realize you were a scout.” She looked at him slyly.

  “I wasn’t. But I promise I won’t attack…that is, unless I’m provoked.”

  She looked at him for a moment, remembering the words her aunt spoke to her a few days before. “All right, it is beautiful out there. And warm, for winter at least.”

  They walked in silence for a while, seeing all there was to see, watching the landscape around them gradually become completely covered in darkness, until the only light left was the snow on the ground and the stars and the moon in the sky. It was a perfect night for a walk.

  Mark spoke first. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it? The way everything is shadowed because of the snow. I’ve never been around snow like this before. I’ve only seen flurries, nothing that ever stuck around. It’s been a wonderful day. I had fun. Thank you for letting me be a part of it.”

  Jessi remained quiet for a moment, deciding how she wanted to respond to what Mark was saying. “You’re welcome. I enjoyed the day too.” She looked at him pensively. “Actually, Mark, I’ve enjoyed all the times we’ve spent together lately. You’ve changed. You’re not the same man I used to know. I like the new you.”

  Mark stopped Jessi and turned her so she was facing him. “I’ve always liked you, Jess, I just didn’t know how to show it. I like you even more now that I can see you without anything to block my view. You are truly a wonderful woman. In all the different roles you play—mother, teacher, friend—you model the true meaning of beautiful. Can we begin again? I don’t mean forget the past; I just mean start again.” Mark pointed to himself. “This is the person I was meant to be. This is the person I want to be. I will continue changing for the better, Jessi. Would you like to go out to dinner with me tomorrow night?”

  Jessi sighed. “Yes, Mark. I will go out to dinner with you. But I want us to go slow, and I can’t make you any promises. I want to be your friend for now. Can you handle that? Then let’s see where things go from there.”

  They walked for a little while longer, each quietly entertaining their own thoughts. They could see the Christmas tree lights lit in the window as they headed toward the house. The multicolored lights were Olivia’s choice. If Jessi had had her way, they would have all been white and the tree would have been a combination of angels and family heirlooms, including all the beautiful handmade ornaments that her children had given her. Someday her house would be big enough to have two trees, a Victorian tree and a children’s tree, as she liked to call it. For now, a children’s tree was the priority.

  Aunt Merry had warm spiced apple cider ready for them when they came home from their walk. Jessi poured them each a mug and included a cinnamon stick, and they joined Aunt Merry by the fire. She was knitting a pair of slippers by the light of the fire and the tree. Olivia was already fast asleep, worn out by her day of outdoor play. Christmas music was softly playing in the background, and peace was prevalent in the home. It had been a wonderful holiday, and Merry enjoyed being with Jessi and Olivia for Christmas, but she was beginning to miss home. She’d been here a week now and would be staying through the New Year. Jessi was taking her back to the airport the day before she and Olivia went back to school. She missed her friends. She missed being able to confide in them and trust them to pray for her needs and the lives of those she cared about. In short, she had her answer on whether to move here to be closer to Jessi and Olivia. The answer was no. She could always visit, and her home would always be open to them to visit, just as it always had been. Besides, where would they stay in the summer if she decided to move to Wisconsin? Jessi would still be going to Oklahoma each summer to visit Ethan’s grave. No, as wonderful a place Wisconsin surely turned out to be, she would miss her home too much to leave it.

  Chapter 34

  Jessi decided to dress casually for her date with Mark, hoping it would ease the possible tension she might feel. She wore jeans and a maroon turtleneck with a pair of warm-lined walking boots. She left her hair hanging straight down and pulled out her leather coat to finish off the effect.

  Mark walked into the house at six to pick her up, and they took one look at each other and both started to laugh. He too decided to go casual, wearing a pair of jeans and a turtleneck, his being white.

  Jessi looked down at herself. “I’ll go change my shirt. It’s a little closer for me.” Not sure what to wear now, she looked into her closet and found a light blue sweater she hadn’t worn yet this year. She put that on and changed her earrings to match. She kept the leather coat and they were ready to go. “So where are you taking me tonight?”

  “I think that is better left as a surprise.” He’d done his homework and wanted to take her somewhere that was nice and yet had a casual feel to it, a place they might make into a good memory. He headed south on I-90. It was a clear evening with the stars already glowing against the dark backdrop, perfect for a date with his favorite person. He would accept the fact that she called him friend, for now. It was more than he had hoped for in a long time. She wasn’t calling him the enemy, and that was certainly an improvement. He had reservations for seven, so he took his time driving, not wanting to make her nervous driving with him for the first time since the accident. He stayed right at the sixty-five-mph speed limit. They chatted about Olivia and her school and Jessi and Mark’s jobs. They talked about Julia and her beau and how serious things were looking for her. Mark also remembered to invite everyone over for New Year’s Eve. Julia decided they would have a fun and games night. Jessi said it sounded like fun but would talk with Merry before committing to coming. They pulled into the Japanese restaurant at ten to seven, making their reservation in plenty of time and having the desired effect on Jessi that he’d hoped for.

  She hurried out of the car. “I’ve always wanted to try this place, but it didn’t seem like the type of place you’d go to by yourself, or with a six-year-old girl, for that matter.”

  Mark smiled, proud of himself. “I thought it sounded like fun. I hope it’s as good as its recommenders say it is.” Mark opened the door for her and followed her into the dimly lit restaurant. He gave the host his name and then waited wi
th Jessi on a nearby couch to be seated. Finally they were led to a shared table with four other couples and watched a Japanese chef prepare their food on a grill right in front of them. They had such a wonderful time laughing and enjoying the company of complete strangers that neither one of them felt a bit nervous about being in the other’s presence. The pressure to constantly carry on a conversation was also diminished because someone at the table was always saying something to cause everyone else at the table to double over with laughter. Mark and Jessi agreed it was a huge success for a first date. After leaving the restaurant, Mark surprised her and took her for her favorite ice cream. She had had a scoop when she was in Oklahoma this past summer but hadn’t had any since, as the closest shop was in Rockford. “I’m not going to be able to button up my jeans.” Her complaint was halfhearted, as she still ordered a double scoop of Rocky Road.

  Mark watched her lick around the cone. “I can see you are really worried.” He took his own cone from the girl wearing pink and grabbed some napkins. They were going to need them. “I would take Olivia some, but I’m afraid it would melt by the time we got home. We can bring her down another time.”

  Jessi savored her cone. “It could become a regular road trip if we’re not too careful. Not that I would mind much.”