Until Forever (Women of Prayer)

by Shortridge, Darlene

  “I’d be glad to keep Olivia the day after Christmas. You two take all the time you need. Jessi had already agreed to let Olivia stay overnight one night while she is on vacation, so why don’t I keep her that night? I’m sure Jessi will agree.”

  After checking out and loading the car with all the groceries, Mark took Merry home and helped her carry everything in. Merry looked at him with an affection that she’d never before seen him with. “Mark, I want you to know how proud I am of you. You have made such tremendous changes in your life. Your walk with God is proving to me that you are a completely different man, completely new on the inside. God doesn’t do anything halfhearted, does he? Nothing, other than Jessi finding her way with God, would please me more than if you and Jessi would find your way back together. You are a son to me, Mark. I love you very much.”

  Mark was unable to respond. In some ways it was still hard for him to accept love from others, especially from those whom he felt he didn’t deserve to receive love from. He knew his actions in the past had caused Merry a great deal of pain, and for her to profess her love for him caused him a great deal of joy, but also a measure of guilt. God was teaching him the meaning of unconditional love. He murmured his thanks and quickly left, saying he would see her on Christmas.

  ***

  By the time Olivia got home from school, Merry had several different batches of cookie dough made. Now she was just waiting for her favorite little girl in the world to help her make all these cookies. Jessi had already made peanut butter and butter cookies, much to Merry’s surprise. Not that she couldn’t bake, just that she rarely had time to bake. They spent the rest of the afternoon listening to Christmas music and baking their cookies. Neither Merry nor Olivia had realized how much time had passed until they heard the door open and Jessi enter the house. “Oh my, I haven’t made a thing for supper.”

  One look around the kitchen told Jessi everything she needed to know. They would have enough cookies for an army, and she was going to run to Janesville to pick supper up. “How about I run and pick up some chicken and biscuits. That way you two won’t have to give up all your baking just to make some supper, nor will you have to change to go out to eat. See, problem solved.”

  Merry looked at Olivia and Olivia looked at Merry and nodded their heads. They both looked at Jessi. “Sounds good to us,” they both said in unison.

  That night they baked seven different kinds of cookies and ate fried chicken by the fire because the table was too messy to eat on. After cleaning up, they all decided that tomorrow would be a good day to head into town to finish the little bit of Christmas shopping that had yet to be done. Merry was enjoying this visit with her family. She prayed that there would be many more like it.

  Chapter 31

  The Christmas Eve service went off without a hitch. Olivia made a wonderful angel, unlike her partner in crime who tripped up the stairs and landed on his noggin. The parents were horrified, but everyone else laughed and enjoyed the moment. Somehow, it didn’t seem like a play if somewhere on the stage a child wasn’t messing up, at least a Christmas church play. It was like being given a moment to exhale and breathe in a new breath to carry you through the rest of the play.

  After the play everyone said their good-byes and “see you tomorrows” and headed home. There was much to be done in the night hours before Christmas morning. After tucking in their little angel, Jessi began working on wrapping presents and placing them under the tree, while Aunt Merry started chopping celery and onion for the stuffing and getting various other things ready for tomorrow’s dinner. Mark and Julia were coming in the morning so Mark could take part in Olivia’s Christmas morning. There would be cinnamon rolls and hot coffee and chocolate to tide them over until the afternoon meal. Neither of the women got much rest. To Jessi, this was a normal part of having a child, but Merry hadn’t had to think about such things in years. She was having the time of her life. To have family around for Christmas was the second best part of celebrating the holiday for her. Her Jesus and her family—there was nothing so important.

  They both headed to bed around two a.m., and Merry figured she’d have to be back up by seven to get the cinnamon rolls in the oven, that was if Olivia didn’t wake them up sooner. The rule was, though, that no presents could be opened until Mark and Julia arrived.

  Merry’s alarm went off way too early. She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and headed to the coffee pot. First things first, she thought to herself. After getting the coffee on, she rolled out the cinnamon rolls, and while she waited for them to rise, she mixed the stuffing together and dressed the turkey. By the time Mark and Julia were knocking on the door, Jessi was up and dressed and a sleepy nightgown-clad Olivia had wandered into the living room to sit at the base of the Christmas tree, patiently waiting for the grownups to join her. It didn’t take long to realize that a cinnamon roll before opening the gifts was not going to happen. Mark and Julia placed their gifts under the tree with all the others and waited for instructions as what to do next. Jessi looked to Merry to lead the group in prayer and a Bible story, as she had been taught as a child. It was not a custom that she normally followed, but because Aunt Merry was visiting this year, it was only respectful to do as she was taught.

  Merry picked up her Bible and turned to Matthew, where she read the story of the first Christmas. As with the custom in her family, she pulled out four small gifts, each one beautifully decorated to use as examples of the gifts brought to Jesus, and handed them to the four people sitting in the room. She reminded each of them of the most wonderful gift that they could ever receive, and that was the gift that Jesus offered to all who would accept it, the gift of eternal life. His purpose in coming to earth as a baby boy, simply put, was to die. It was his mission.

  Upon finishing the Christmas story, Merry asked Mark to lead them in prayer. He was honored. It was one of the things he was looking forward to when his family was restored to him. He bowed his head. “Father, I am so honored to be here today. It is a privilege to sit here with my family and honor and thank you for your love and for your sacrifice. You willingly gave your only Son, knowing he would be put through the most hideous death by way of the cross, yet without him, we would never be able to spend eternity in heaven with you. Please, Lord, help us always to remember what the true meaning of Christmas is. Let us never lose sight of all you have done for us. Please be with us now as we spend time together as a family. Thank you, Lord Jesus, for everything. In Jesus’s name. Amen.”

  Mark looked to Aunt Merry for her approval, and when she smiled and shook her head, he knew he had done just fine. When he looked to Jessi, her eyes were fixed on something that she could not see. He truly hoped it was the Lord Jesus.

  Olivia interrupted everyone’s quiet moment when she addressed them all. “Can we open presents now?”

  Jessi looked at Olivia, her only daughter. What a joy she brought to all of life, not just Christmas. “Yes, it is time to open presents. Do you want to help me hand them out?”

  Olivia didn’t hesitate in answering her. “Daddy will help you. I have a lot to open.”

  This brought some laughter from the adults, but it was also logical because she was right. If they waited on her, they wouldn’t get to eat the turkey, let alone get to the cinnamon rolls, which were still filling the air with their sweet cinnamon scent. Mark got down on his knees next to the tree. He looked at Jessi. “How about we work on opposite sides of the tree?”

  “Sounds like a good idea to me.” She knelt down on the opposite side of Mark.

  Mark pulled the first one out from under the tree. “Hmm, and who could this be for? Oh, it’s for Olivia. Imagine that.”

  Olivia let out a squeal as she opened up the first of her gifts. They opened presents for a good hour. The adults received such gifts as new scarves and books, while Olivia received games and doll clothes for her American Girl doll, a sled from her dad, and a very pretty new dress from Aunt Merry. There were only two gifts left under the tree to hand
out, and Jessi had both of them in her hand before Mark could reach them.

  “I’ve got these two, Mark. I would like to hand both of them out.”

  Mark got to his feet and sat on the couch by Aunt Merry, waiting to see what Jessi was going to do with the last two gifts. He was surprised when after she handed Aunt Merry one of the packages, she handed him one too.

  “I’ve been working on this nonstop. I hope you both like them.”

  Mark tentatively began to open his present. He really hadn’t expected her to get him anything at all, so the fact that she’d thought to get him a gift nearly caused him to choke up. When he opened the gift and looked at what she had given him he couldn’t speak. Tears filled his eyes as he looked to her for an explanation.

  Aunt Merry was the first to speak. “Oh, Jessi, this is so beautiful. I will treasure it forever.”

  Jessi felt the need to explain herself. “I have decided to make a conscious effort to start remembering Ethan for all the wonderful memories he gave me instead of mourning him for the rest of my life. I made the decision to heal while I was in Oklahoma this past summer and have tried very hard to do that. I decided that making scrapbooks of him would aid the healing process, and I felt like I should share these memories of Ethan with the two of you. As I went through the pictures of him, I chose which ones would go in which album, depending on what he was doing. I hope that you both like them.”

  Mark was paging through the book. Each page was of Ethan at a different age or doing a different activity. She had managed to find a few pictures of Mark and Ethan together, and she put those in his book so he would have those memories to cherish. He openly wept at the thought and the heart that went into this gift. The only pictures he had of Ethan were the ones that Jessi would put in his wallet when she had them taken. Back then he’d barely taken the time to glance at them. Since going to prison, he’d treasured those pictures, trying to keep them as protected as possible. Now here he was with a complete album of him, starting with his newborn pictures. To think he’d ever been jealous of this sweet baby. “Oh, God, forgive me.” He cried openly, not caring that anyone heard him. Aunt Merry wrapped him in her arms and wept with him.

  Julia sat in the chair with tears in her eyes. What a beautiful gift he’d been given. He’d often commented to her that he wished he had more pictures of Ethan. When she suggested he ask Jessi for some, he’d shake his head no, saying he didn’t deserve to have them. Jessi had just given the most treasured gift he would receive this Christmas.

  Chapter 32

  The day after Christmas, Jessi dropped Olivia off at Mark and Julia’s to spend the night, just as Mark and Merry had planned. When she returned, Merry had turkey sandwiches ready for their supper. After eating they decided to settle in by the fire. They both received reading material for Christmas, and the thoughts of a relaxing evening by the fire with a good book were just too good to pass up. At least these were Jessi’s thoughts as she picked up the new book that Mark had given her as a gift.

  Merry’s mind, however, was far from the new book she was holding in her hand. Finally she worked up the courage to bring up the journals that she had given Jessi to read. She took a deep breath and started talking. “So did you finish the journals?”

  Jessi instantly stopped rocking the rocking chair when she heard Aunt Merry’s question. She resumed again, hoping Aunt Merry didn’t notice her hesitation. “Mmhmm.” She continued to read.

  Merry watched her turn the page of the book. She wasn’t going to let this go. She knew it was imperative that she speak with Jessi about the journals and the choices she had made. She decided to try a different tactic. She began by asking about Mark. “So, how are things going with you and Mark?”

  This got Jessi’s attention. “What do you mean?”

  “Well, I guess what I really want to know is if you’ve forgiven him yet.”

  “He’s here, isn’t he? Olivia is spending the night with him.” She made these statements with such a vengeance that Merry already had her answer. She just wanted Jessi to hear herself say the words out loud.

  “I didn’t ask if he was a good father to Olivia or even, for that matter, if you approve of him being here. I merely asked if you have forgiven him for being the cause of Ethan’s death.”

  Jessi’s face pleaded with her aunt to not go there. Merry returned her look with one just as demanding.

  Finally Jessi began to speak. “You know what he did. How can you ask me that? I will never be able to fully forgive him. I’m nice to him, and yes, you’re right, he is a good father to Olivia. For that I’m thankful. But where was he when Ethan was here. Why couldn’t he have been the least little bit interested in his son? No, Aunt Merry, the answer is no. He doesn’t deserve to be forgiven.”

  “I see,” was the only response Jessi received. Now that she had her attention, she returned to the journals. “Jessi, I want to talk with you about those journals. I need to speak with you. You need to know what happened after that last entry.” Merry walked over to Jessi and took the book from her. She took her by the hand and led her to the couch, where they could sit together. “After reading what you have, do you have any questions for me or anything you’d like to say?”

  Jessi was quiet for a moment. She looked at her aunt with fear on her face. “Where is your child? That’s all I could think of all this time is where is your child?”

  Merry took a deep breath. This was going to be harder than she’d imagined, and that was saying something, because she’d already imagined this conversation to be the hardest one she’d ever have in her life. “Oh, honey, what I am about to tell you I am not proud of. As a matter of fact, I don’t want to tell you this, but I’m doing it because you need to hear it. The day I received Lester’s letter I was convinced that if I tried one more time, if I wrote to him and told him how much I loved him, he would change his mind and marry me and be happy that we were having a baby. Well, it wasn’t to be. The only response I received from him was another note saying he didn’t want it, to get rid of it, and he never wanted to hear from me again. I sobbed. I thought my life was over. Little by little I began to think about what I was going to do. I would take the money out of my drawer and look at it and wonder if what he was suggesting would be the best thing all around. I mean, what kind of life could I give a baby, right? I started to justify the act, and part of me was so numb, so hurt, that I really didn’t think past the reaction of my parents and friends.

  “I found myself in downtown Oklahoma City one Friday night when my parents thought I was at a movie, looking for this Loretta person. I wasn’t sure I was going to go through with it. I walked into her place, and she asked me what I wanted. I looked around at the dirty room, and then I handed her the envelope with the money and the note in it. She read it and then led me into another room and told me to take my pants off and get up on the table. I did as she said, and she told me it would only take a few minutes. I felt the most horrible pain I’d ever felt, and then she said it was over. I was told I would bleed for a few days and then that would be it. Only, that was not it. I didn’t stop bleeding. I continued to bleed, and when my parents took me to the hospital and they were told about what I had done, the horror and the shame that I felt was worse than anything I could have ever imagined. Telling them when I first found out that I was pregnant, or even when Lester suggested the abortion, would have been nothing to the shame I felt when they stood before me in the hospital looking at me as if they didn’t know me. I had shamed them, I had shamed our faith, but most of all I had shamed myself. It wasn’t until later, after the doctor at the hospital had stopped the bleeding, that I found out how much damage was done. Apparently Loretta did more than remove my baby; she also punctured some internal organs, which was causing the excessive bleeding. In order to stop the bleeding, the surgeon had to remove part of my insides.” Merry stopped to take a drink of water.

  She hadn’t meant to ramble, but once she started she wanted to tell her everything. She
wasn’t going to leave out anything. Merry looked at Jessi with tears in her eyes and continued. “Jessi, I was seventeen years old when I was told that I would never again be able to bear children. I had dreamed my whole life of having a family. My sin, my decision to do something that I knew was morally wrong, resulted in consequences that I would have to live with my entire life.”

  Merry watched Jessi’s face and saw the horror in her eyes. “After I was released from the hospital, I was completely withdrawn from everyone and everything. A couple of my friends tried to make contact with me, but I didn’t want to see or hear from anyone. I ended up leaving school and moving to Oklahoma City to live with my aunt and uncle, where my parents thought I might have a chance at living a normal life without being judged by everyone who lived in our small town. I attended church with my aunt and uncle and eventually came to know Jesus as my Savior. It was the first time since the abortion that I had felt true peace. Eventually I met your uncle John, and he and I started dating. I was truthful with him from the start. Most men fall in love, marry, and want to have children. I had to tell him that he would never have a child with me. I was scared. I didn’t know what he would do. I loved him and I was afraid of losing him, but I also knew that if I wasn’t truthful with him from the beginning, I would definitely lose him in the end. This way, I would at least have a chance.”

  Jessi had remained silent up until this point. “What did he say?”

  “He told he me wanted a day to think about what I’d told him. I understood, but it was the longest twenty-four hours of my life. The next evening when we got together he took my hands in his and told me that he had prayed about it and that I was meant to be his bride. Of this he was sure. He promised to love me and cherish me, no matter what mistakes I had made in the past. Right then and there, he got down on one knee and proposed to me, telling me it would be his honor if I would consider him for a husband. I started to weep. I doubted there would ever be a man who would love me after what I had done, and now here was this man of God who could look past all my sins and tell me he would be honored to have me, the person who killed her own baby, as his wife. I can’t tell you how unworthy I felt. Part of me wanted to shout to him, ‘Don’t you realize what you are doing. Don’t you know what I am? I am a murderer. I don’t deserve to be loved,’ while another part of me wanted him to put his arms around me and hold me and help me understand that true love was patient and kind and longsuffering, just like the Bible talked about.