Bridge Retakes

by Angela Lopes

  It is certainty with a veil. There is nothing more gorgeous than to be certain of something in our lives. But the pain of feeling that while simultaneously knowing that other loved ones don’t see the gorgeousness of this particular certainty is difficult. The words that Zé and Phila share together via long distances are not enough.

  For Phila, possession comes through abstaining. She feels best giving liberty to Zé. If Zé is to move out of his family home on his own, away from his mother, he needs a good woman to live with. Whatever happens outside the home always stays outside the home.

  Whether occurrences such as the ones Zé and Phila have been sharing are accepted with the warmth of faith or shuddered with the cold of dismay depends on the inner workings of the individuals there to receive it. The warmth is in their hands.

  Why spirit and for spirit and by spirit, are all things

  Ze and Phila, December 2015, São Paulo and Winnipeg

  We read a message on WhatsApp saying that it helps a pregnant woman to remain calm if her man is present, at least like once a week or something. We saw it on a psychology website. His DNA in her creates sentiments of attachment to him. We miss each other’s caresses, which secure us like none other. That from caresses we cross bridges and invest all spiritual energy into the raising of our future children. Today could be the day we tell everyone about us, but no. Our families can’t meet, two oceans with land between them. To our blessedness, we don’t let that perturb our relation. We keep open because it best suits us. We never let family drama affect us too much. We are close to our parents, our brothers and sisters, yet we know our boundaries. Virtue is well known to us. We can only speak of who we are. That ever since we were born, we go with a different kinda time. We wonder if our family and friends ever tried that dating site. We know from some shared stories that yes, they did. We love one another’s voices and the pollution is too much here. We, we adore nothing more than spirit where it snags the richest eradication. A feeling of needing nothing more than us together. Where did we go last night during our Skype talk? The future is luminescent, so we adapt to light, to whatever comes tomorrow. That night is all because too much security makes us vomit. If we’re kinda the jokes in the family, it’s because our hearts don’t settle on status. We rip standard pedagogy into an ocean surf of octopus caught cleaned out. All the time we are malleable in pastures. There’s that ravenous explosion vivifies us into stellar amour. Inoculated by the system’s lies, we become wealthy with integrity, so much that they can’t see us. Every morning we get up stuffed to give. Every graze and subsist makes us diligent about meaning. Things could get better after this recession that we die for us on top of matter is all we’ve got. The push/pull is a beginning thing, it turns a tiring shrug. We’re past our beginning, past the game-playing. Please don’t omit the opening of all time that may be. If there is anything we do before going to sleep, it is pray to all the salt water. We swim eons for sentiments of nature. And, yes our bikes carry coconuts for fifty people as we sojourn all parts where people speak to us. We listen well to people, but more to each other. Every morning appears a lagoon. Many opted out of the Cartesian split, making an island, careening the fortitude of belief’s thick delight. We know this life gets all the asking and more. The Internet connection sucks, so we launch reticence and spunk. We walk to the aqua doce and wash our clothes in the river. Every nude video we send to each other is fine, but we know we want the real thing. Everywhere we go we are each other, there is no other pace. Did other people ever try the taste of trust? Our breakthrough performance is, what’s my body without yours? Snared by subterfuge over the corruption crackling. Anything we do makes us want to do anything we want. To us it doesn’t matter where we go because we are in us not surprised that we fell. Why crave a roof when we’ve got our ancestors. We never followed the white way. My nipples are extra sensitive today and you touch them. Tornado touch is a semiotic svelte getting whatever exercise at work. Today is the day we will spend all our saved money and we will get good food and not think about the future. Only of our children, of their future. Sins to dishonour the body collect vile affections in cell. We elude responsibility because spiritually it numbs. A brush of the chair and we’re all over our relationship. Sometimes we get our history and other times we churn out the brisk banishment. To suffer is what years our branches. Why feel fresh when pollution enters our thoughts from history in the making, we tempt nothing grand. Will we please hold us together forever, only to let us go.

  Phila is back early for Christmas in Winnipeg. So much reality and reverie. Camila picked her up at the airport. Phila has been away from her family in Winnipeg for over three months. Camila is not impressed. While they were in the car leaving the airport, Camila asked sternly, “Phila, what are you doing with your life?” “I’m in love, in love like I’ve never been.” “Oh God.” Phila shared with Camila her experience of Umbanda. How the orixás had entered her and will never leave her. Camila listened to all of the words, but is not happy. “Don’t you just want me to be happy?” asked Phila. “Why can’t you just be happy with us, your family, here? Why do you have to keep running away?” Phila shared an experience she had with Zé on one of their dates. A feeling she received that she’d never had before: a feeling of wanting to heal another being. One time, she told Camila, when Zé went to watch a soccer match, his team lost. Zé was holding a glass cup in his hand when his team let in the winning goal, and he crushed the glass and cut his hand deeply. Zé met Phila after the game at a café, and when he told her about his hand, she grabbed it and licked off the remaining blood, went and asked the server for peroxide and Band-Aids. Camila looked concerned. She had never seen Phila like this, ever.

  Phila never felt right being back. She knew she would have to cease working the cleaning job. That kind of job would be no good for a pregnant woman. Continuing with the telemarketing and thesis editing at the university could be sufficient for the time being.

  After Phila fell asleep in her bed, Camila stayed up late talking to their parents. “I’m gonna go with Phila next time to São Paulo.” Their parents are worried. They want Camila to go with Phila next time. Their parents don’t want Phila to know that they are as concerned as they are. Already, Zé has sent six WhatsApp messages to Phila. They spend Christmas apart this year. But next year, who knows.

  Phila and Camila are off to São Paulo at the end of January. Phila is not sure what the answer is. She and Zé just need to be close from now onward. Zé believes too much in their chemistry, in their truth. Phila sends messages to Zé about the simplicity of the black holes in the oceans of his home state, Bahia. The eddies that pull you in are like photon spheres. Zé can’t swim. So whenever they go to the beach, Phila swims. Zé watches her in amazement. They dream of swimming together and they do.

  Phila is excited to bring Camila to an Umbanda party. The party coming up in February will celebrate Iemanjá, queen of the ocean. Camila found an Umbanda house that will celebrate Iemanjá in the capital São Paulo. Phila has never been, nor never heard of this place. Though Phila feels it will not be an authentic celebration, she agrees she will try it out. After all, Camila is making great effort to connect with her.

  For a while, Phila has felt that Camila needs some spiritual healing, while Camila feels Phila needs a reality check. But what’s more is that Camila made a promise to their grandmother, right before she passed away in Recife, to always take care of her little sister. Phila’s always been centred in the heart chakra, but within the last year or two she’s been even more centred there, so much so that Phila attracts anyone and everyone. Even getting work is easy for her. The cleaning job she had to let go. Though she was making good coin working the hours she did with the cleaning company, inhaling the products would be no good for a growing being in her. The telemarketing job is practical. She can ditch it whenever she needs to, return to it whenever she needs to, though it is soul-wrecking. Like, she feels the depression slowly seep into her l
ike sewage. It’s a temporary solution.

  Phila ought to just move, to be with Zé. She’s asked him a few times: when will I meet your family? He keeps saying, when you move here, you will meet my family. Phila is scared to run out of money. This thing that determines so much, reveals so little yet so much. A house full of beauty.

  Can’t keep running away, to Iemanjá

  Phila, February 2016, São Paulo

  A house full of beauty. Some things are a little fake. But next year, who knows, from the perspective inside the black hole, this is secret. From an oceanic perspective, it’s a secret kept. The black hole can never communicate with anyone outside of it, not even an ocean surf. Secrets safe forever. This early January I have been working 55 hours per week. You are with me. Taking adventure. All my runnings are to you. I recumb, listening to The Pharcyde’s “Runnin’” in my bedroom, scheming a way to make money fast. Let’s continue our crazy lush together. The light is our adventure as it hits our green-blue ocean. If ever I walk, I’ll never get there. I am protective over you. I caress you with strength runnings with a wave of security from heart salt. The truth of the matter is, I don’t like you around anyone else but me and your mother and your sisters. When I look mathematically, all ocean eddies are black holes. Nothing and anything in them can ever escape. You and I, we attract everything that gestures relatively close to us. You move around in closed loops, in oceanic like a photon sphere. Anytime we go to the ocean, we are taken in. A collapse of dead stars in our oceanic communication. Did you ever get sucked in there? But I swear the photon light around such intense gravity holes does us in. I fathom our baby surrounded by that photon light. This all serves as a kinda motivation during Winnipeg’s harsh winters. You, you are always working. Sometimes I think the photo lab ought to be occupied by photos only of you. Photos all over the lab, of you, only you. The next Umbanda gathering will involve me chanting you. I see it now. Chanting, because what else can come out of me, but you. I’ve kept you from most of my family for too long. Everyone knows amour. Love, I am dying without you. I trust her too much. Let this be clandestine. I remember we went in the ocean, we got pulled in. I will never forgive anyone that ever hurts you. And I promise, our children will always be in good hands.

  Living off of little or plenty, let’s go to Umbanda. I recall the avó saying, “Let’s go to Bahia.” It is crucial for us all to go together. But you don’t like Umbanda, you are Catholic. I love what I know about your family. A breath of belonging. My sister thinks it’s crazy I don’t know them. I’m a little nervous. My stomach is a little queasy. It is pretty cold here. I wonder if you’ll be able to handle it one day. Like what if you move here. The photo lab and people working there will miss you. They need to pay you more. Selling equipment is hard work. You’re too good for them, anyways. You’re the greatest thrill and I know you. Why do people value people when they are so-called successful? Like potential is clear to vision. I see it kilometres away, good dives into all ocean water. Please keep us in touch. I know you will. I’m more secure than ever before. All the negative feminists were a bit too hard. Just excuse them. Many of their fathers cheated on their mothers, or their exes cheated on them, or the women just could not be happy. Relations were a blow too often, they forgot about unconditional love and truth. I can’t listen to these women. They will hate what I’m doing. They will think I need to ditch you fast. This will be my sister’s first time going to Umbanda. I’ll ask the avó if it’s a good idea that you meet my sister. We’ll see what she’ll say. My sister will force it so we all meet. So cool, we can go for another swim. We can adventure. Our mind is made up. It’s super real. We meeting into each other. We take more, give even more to others by us. We are slow together, yet we know we have a future.

  Camila takes me to what she researched online. I could join the usual group, but here is some new beginning with her and me. I never examined this cactus so well, now this aloe vera plant. They are so strong with their juices inside. The pricks are just a face for such inner beauty. They are protective, you know. And for these reasons. Family is such a blessed space.

  February 2, Iemenjá starts. And I know by the ocean the feeling is grandiose. Here sister is happy, and really that’s all I want for her. She is akin to the avó here. There’s that overwhelming feeling of self-doubt again. Like a choice to carry through a life with Zé could be the most practical mistake ever. A lie happens when cash meets our bridges. An alteration of design. If thinking too much on the go, the goal distorts itself. If there’s one thing I always read from time to time, it’s this: keep it all together. It’s a little suspicious here. And moreover, I’m pretending to like it here, and I cannot leave. I grew up sleeping with my sister in her bed and for this trip, again we’ll share a bed. I’m the kinda woman that can disappear to realize. Disappear to make myself known. I see this avó talking with my sister. My turn next. I always remember others’ errors, and seldom will I not forgive. Sometimes families confused. Like status becomes some fake glue we cannot adhere to. Zé, your family is sacred. This avó here tells me you have a wife. That you’ve been lying to me. You know I don’t trust this Umbanda anymore. I wanted antiquity’s gossip, but modern was everywhere. Something more traditional, please. Don’t get me wrong; I’m thankful for what I’ve always known. And it’s because of you, I go on.

  Camila slipped some cash for the avó. To break Phila from Zé. Camila had an idea that this particular Umbanda group was fake. Everyone knows an avó would never lie to make a profit, never lie period. It’s only intuition and the orixás that they speak from. Camila knew they were in it for the money. That they were in it to take advantage of those who are down on their luck. Before the party gathering started, Camila went to the Umbanda home. Phila was still hanging out at their cousin’s place. She knocked on the door. A young girl answered. She looked withdrawn but was forcing warmth and hospitality to come from her being and welcomed Camila inside. Camila asked frankly, “May I speak with the avó?” “My avó?” the girl asked. “I guess . . . the avó that will be here for this Iemenjá tonight.” “Alright . . . I think she’s resting, but I’ll ask her . . . please sit.” The girl pointed to the sofa by the entrance of the living area. Camila sat for a about ten minutes. She wasn’t nervous at all. She knew she would get her wish. Her sister would never move to São Paulo. She would never leave the family. She would stay close with them. The avó came out of the bedroom wearing loose, light-coloured clothing. “Yes.” “Here.” Camila showed 1,000 reals. “I need you to tell my sister that her boyfriend has a wife.” “Hmmm . . .” the avó said, staring at the money.

  Family wants always what they feel is best for each member. Phila is often on her own quest, Camila is always trying to join, to connect, to keep up. Phila is always going to her sister when things go wrong. A sister panacea. But this time for Phila, there is no feeling of wrong. Camila cannot understand why Phila does not need her.

  Heart

  Zé and Phila, February and March 2016, São Paulo

  But what about what the heart knows? Beauty as vulnerability’s gesture. We walked to the park. Why is there only one door for an entrance and exit? As if we are the same beings while exiting as we were when we entered. Why cancel an appointment two hours after the appointment was made? Maybe organize another crime or two. Everybody knows. There’s no point in being secretive. The stress to keep safe keeps people all together. And it would really suck if we didn’t believe in change. The stress of tomorrow, we’re not sure if we’ll lose our jobs. But we will never lose each other. We grip our hands tightly together. We move through the busy crowd passively as we are not in any rush. As we are walking, we wanna love each and every one of you. And we, we don’t mind, that’s how we like each other, as long as we don’t touch any other being, just touch each other. We are always celebrating our independence from status. And just because you do something bad to us doesn’t mean we’ll do it back to you. We don’t believe in this kinda utilitarian
ism. A sister is often forgiven, a mother-in-law’s love is sometimes won. First and foremost, we are lovers of good families with stories. We know we were born into our families for a reason. We contract simultaneously, not communicating directly like the atria and ventricles of the heart. To see all spaces together, but see them differently. We respect our visions off by heart. The strongest muscle, no economic system can destroy. Sometimes people can get ugly, you know. Going through a phase detoxifying the grime. Clogged arteries are not a time for us. Scheduling caesarians like business meetings, a neglect to have our order, looking people up and down to secure some sense of confidence. A kind of system we scoff to be a part of. That we are prophets in clean old clothing. The oxygen-rich blood going to the left side of the heart gets dispersed though our bodies. As we pulsate such might greater than the mind. Be careful what you project here. A thirty-three-year marriage with little heart and the woman struggling with varicose veins is no mightier than a divorce. Let’s take our second shower together today. Let’s allow for our midnight motel visits to continue. Let’s allow for our: where are you? Who are you with? Send me a photo right now. Our cute jealousy flourish. So much heart lets this all continue. We take one stride at a beat, not thinking too much about next week. If we are caught with bad credit, so it is for our spontaneity. Let the education of your family always be our blessing, we can’t believe in this anymore firmly. Things like forgiveness, empathy and genuine giving are fear liberated from advance. There’s no need for a calculator while knowing many things by heart.