Ashes of Life

by Erica Lucke Dean

  Natalie raised an eyebrow. “Appletinis?”

  “It’s a girlie drink, isn’t it?” He shrugged.

  “That it is…” Natalie lifted her drink in a salute before bringing it to her lips. “Bottoms up!”

  After another round, Natalie wandered off under the guise of saying hi to an old friend, leaving Ben and me alone at the bar.

  “So, Doctor…” I swirled my drink, watching the thin layer of ice crackle along the top.

  He leaned in slightly, keeping his body just outside of my personal bubble. “So… Mrs. Barrett…”

  I cringed. “Please, call me Alex.”

  “Then no more ‘doctor.’ It’s just Ben.”

  With a simple nod, I agreed. “Okay, Ben.”

  “So…” He took a swig of his beer, glancing toward the end of the bar where Natalie shamelessly flirted with the bartender. “Tell me how she managed to drag you out to a pub on the weekend before Valentine’s Day.”

  “You have met Natalie, haven’t you?” I barked out a laugh. “She’s not exactly subtle.”

  He let out a long sigh, leaving me with more questions than answers. How upset had he been to find out she’d duped him into an evening with me? Not that he disliked me. I knew he didn’t. But the awkward tension between us was more than obvious. We’d agreed to be friends. Surely, I could be friends with a guy. “That’s true… but she means well.”

  “I know.” I brought the glass to my lips, breathing in the tart Granny Smith flavor before taking a sip. “That’s probably the only reason I haven’t tied concrete blocks to her feet and pushed her into the lake.”

  He bumped my shoulder in that way guys did—as though we were drinking buddies. Nothing more. “That and it’s frozen solid.”

  “There’s always that.” The ramifications of the frozen Michigan landscape hit me, and I downed the rest of my drink in an attempt to contain my emotions. I couldn’t let myself forget for one minute.

  Ben watched me with a curious expression. “You okay, over there?”

  “Never better.” I wiped my lips with the back of my hand, caught the bartender’s eye, and signaled for another round. “What about you? How’d she manage to drag you into her little scheme?”

  He laughed—a deep, throaty sound that warmed me like the sunny beaches of southern California, more than even the liquor I’d consumed. “She just said to meet her here for a quick drink. I told myself one drink with Nat would be harmless. I suppose I should have known better.”

  “Well, I’m sorry you got stuck babysitting me tonight. I’m sure you have women lining up to date you.” Women who had a right to date him. Women who weren’t inextricably in love with dead men.

  He took a swig of his fresh beer and licked the foam from his upper lip. “No one lately.”

  “No one?” That surprised me. Even I wasn’t blind enough to miss how attractive Ben was. No matter how hard I’d tried not to notice. “How is that even possible?”

  “I’ve had other things on my mind.” He didn’t elaborate. Instead, he focused on scrawling his name in the condensation collecting on the outside of his glass.

  “Yes, well, I suppose, with Sarah gone…” I must have done something horrible in a past life to find myself surrounded by men who’d loved Sarah Barrett. I felt as if my destiny had so intertwined with hers that even death couldn’t break me free of it. Thinking about Sarah brought back images of her and David together. My imagination twisted the old photos I’d seen into grotesque visions of them writhing around together on my bed while I watched as if my subconscious enjoyed torturing me for finding Ben even the slightest bit attractive.

  “Sarah and I weren’t meant to be.” Ben’s voice brought me out of my self-imposed nightmare. “Besides, it would have never worked out.”

  “Why?” I didn’t know why I asked. Maybe my morbid curiosity just got the best of me.

  He scooped up some peanuts from the bowl in front of us and popped a few into his mouth. “I don’t know if ever I told you about the time I met David.”

  I shook my head and waited.

  “Sarah and I had just come back from dinner—our third date—and I’d walked her to the front door. We’d had a nice time. Not spectacular. Not life changing. Just nice. But we’d been out three times, and we hadn’t even kissed yet, so I was ready to go for it, you know? Make my move.” He flashed a quick grin before his lips turned down again. “So there I am, ready to take the next step when David pulled into the driveway to drop Maddie off. Jesus, it was as if I’d never met the real Sarah Barrett. She took one look at the guy and lit up like a kid on Christmas morning. She never looked at me that way, that’s for damn sure.”

  I scooted forward. “So what happened?”

  “Nothing.” He laughed. “Absolutely nothing. I said good night and went home.”

  “Just like that?” I wanted him to lie to me, to change the way the story ended so we could all live happily ever after, but I knew better.

  “Just like that.” He ate the last peanut and brushed his hands off. “She was a great lady, but she had one tragic flaw.”

  “What?” Time seemed to stand still as shallow puffs of breath passed my open lips. Part of me knew what he was about to say, and I tensed up, waiting to hear the words.

  “Isn’t it obvious? She was still in love with her ex-husband.” He scratched his head and mumbled something that sounded like, “story of my life,” but I couldn’t get past the first thing he’d said. She was still in love with her ex-husband.

  All the anger I’d thought I’d locked away came rushing out as if a dam had broken. Maddie’s words, Mike Allen’s words, Ben’s words, the calendar… all flooded my consciousness until my thoughts screamed. Sarah was still in love with David. And David was still in love with her. That was the only conclusion I could draw. My husband had been in love with someone else when he died. And there I was, still mourning a man who’d been about to leave me.

  I choked back a sob when what I really wanted to do was scream. David’s death had taken so much away from me, including robbing me of the right to be angry. The “death” card trumped the “scorned” card every damn day of the week.

  Ben dragged out the doctor face, eyeing me like an emergency room patient. “Hey, are you okay? You know just because she loved him, it doesn’t mean he still loved her.” I felt as if he’d read my mind, hitting the bull’s-eye on my deepest, darkest fear. “You look like you’re going to be sick. How many have you had?”

  “I’m fine,” I spat, downing the fresh drink in front of me. “I haven’t had nearly enough.”

  “Alex, I’m serious. You need to slow down.” Ben put a hand on my knee, giving it a gentle squeeze as he leaned in. “Do you need some air?”

  I closed my eyes and let myself imagine David sitting across from me. For one, all too brief, moment I felt David’s warm hand resting on my knee, his strong pulse beating against my bare skin. His Heineken-flavored breath washing over my lips. David’s, not Ben’s.

  A cross between a laugh and a sob burst out of my throat. Then it hit me. Why had I worked so hard to stay faithful to the memory of a man who’d betrayed me? Did I ever really know him at all? “Oh, I need something all right.” I gripped the front of his shirt, tugging him the short distance between us until his mouth was right there. Tears clouded my vision, but I didn’t care. “I need you to kiss me until it doesn’t hurt anymore.”

  Ben’s eyes flashed to my lips for an instant before locking on mine again, pain etched across his features. “You’re drunk.”

  “Not that drunk. Even if I am, so what? It’s just a kiss.” I begged with my eyes, desperate for him to press his lips to mine, desperate to feel something other than pain for one damn minute.

  He shoved a hand into his hair. “Jesus, Alex. No, I’m not going to kiss
you.”

  “Fine. I’ll kiss you.” I smashed my lips against his, shutting out the voices, the sounds around us, and very nearly the pain. Despite his reluctance, he kissed me back, and I let myself drown in it until he broke away, panting.

  “Alex, no.” His eyes went wide, as if he’d seen a ghost. “Not like this.”

  My lips tingled, and I pressed my fingers to them, still feeling his warmth, still tasting him on my tongue. “I thought you wanted to kiss me.”

  “I do.” He shifted in his seat then glanced down at his lap. “God knows I do. But it’s too soon. You’ve been through a lot—too much—in a short amount of time. And when I imagine kissing you, I always imagine you kissing me. Not you trying to punish a ghost.”

  “I’m ready to forget. I need to forget. Even if just for tonight. If you’re not interested, I know at least a dozen guys in here will be.” I slid off my stool to stand between his legs.

  “You’re drunk.” He growled. “And you’re not exactly making this easy for me.”

  In the back of my mind, I think I realized I was being unfair. Cruel even. I knew I’d taken advantage of his inherent need to help people and his obvious attraction to me. But in that moment, I’d had too much to drink, and too many emotions dragged me under. I pressed myself against him with a snarl. “I hope I’m making it very hard. Now are we leaving or what?”

  Ben swallowed then cleared his throat, averting his eyes from mine. “Let’s find Natalie. I think she should take you home.”

  I pushed away from him with a growl of my own. “I. Don’t. Want. To. Go. Home. There’s nothing there for me. Don’t you get it? Every memory I have is a lie. I feel like I’m as dead as he is when I’m there.” I swiped at a stray tear, grabbing his chin and forcing him to face me. “I want… no, I need to feel alive again.”

  “Fine. Come on, come home with me.”

  “I thought you’d never ask.”

  Chapter 15

  Maddie

  Haleigh twisted her last perfect ringlet into place and spritzed it with hair spray. She reminded me of a Disney princess in her glittering blue gown and fancy hair. “I’m so glad Alex paroled you so you could come over this weekend. The past two weeks must have felt like a century to you. You never did tell me why she was so pissed.”

  Pissed? Understatement. But on the plus side, Alex seemed to hate having me stuck at home as much as I did, which gave me some satisfaction. I had a feeling that’s why she’d let me stay over at Haleigh’s this weekend, only after she’d confirmed the plans with Mrs. Thompson. “It was stupid, and she overreacted, as usual.”

  I could never admit the truth to Haleigh. She’d have freaked out, and I needed that like I needed another thrilling evening at Casa Alex. If only my bitch stepmonster hadn’t searched my bag. Then I wouldn’t have been grounded until the end of time—or two weeks, whichever came first—since it was apparently hell on earth to deal with me on a daily basis. I missed my mom so much I could barely breathe, and the only other person I’d even considered talking to had been ignoring me.

  “Earth to Maddie.” Haleigh waved her hand in front of my face. “You still need to do your makeup.”

  “I don’t understand why you’re making such a big deal out of this stupid dance.” I glanced at my reflection and groaned. The floor-length dress was stunning. I couldn’t even pretend it wasn’t—giant black embroidered roses scattered across a snowy white background—but despite feeling as if I’d been crowned snow queen, I wasn’t up for the festivities. I almost wished Alex had refused to let me go. But after Mrs. Thompson swore on a stack of Harlequin Romances or some damn thing, Alex had agreed to allow it. To the dance and back to the Thompsons, no boys, no booze, and no drugs. And since Mrs. Thompson had promised to take full responsibility for me, I couldn’t even think about breaking the rules.

  Haleigh shoved my recital makeup bag into my lap and motioned me toward the mirror. “You’re just pissed because Brody has a date, and it isn’t you.”

  “I couldn’t care less who he takes,” I lied, digging through several tubes of hooker-red lipstick until I found the pale pink I was looking for. Brody had barely spoken to me at all since that night. As much as I wanted to hate the guy, a big part of me still wanted him. I missed his hands gripping my waist like he owned me. God, I missed his weed-flavored kisses and even his stupid wink and shitty smirk. And that made me hate him even more. I knew when I’d gotten involved with him he would end up cutting me open, but that hadn’t prepared me for how much it would actually hurt.

  “Don’t worry, there’ll be plenty of hot guys just dying to dance with you.” Her icy fingers squeezed my bare shoulders.

  My best friend, always the optimist, even when it came to things she knew nothing about. Not telling her why Alex grounded me was just the tip of the very cold and lonely iceberg keeping me afloat. I’d lost my virginity while high, and he’d treated me like crap ever since. Now, and for the rest of my life, when I thought about my first time, I’d see Brody ‘jerkface’ Allen’s face. Why am I doing this to myself?

  “What’s with all the red lipstick?” Haleigh held up a tube of CoverGirl’s Paint the Town. “Did you actually wear this for recitals?”

  “Oh, yeah. I don’t know if you noticed, but the ballet world isn’t exactly known for class.” Another lie. I’d long since pitched the nasty lipsticks I’d used in my dance days, so I’d shoplifted those from the drug store while on a tampon run with Alex earlier that day. But I wasn’t about to tell Haleigh my plan. Part of me hoped I’d get caught, if for no other reason than to see the horrified look on Alex’s face, but I’d had no such luck.

  Her lips twisted to the side, and I could tell she held back a rude comment. “Why didn’t you ask Grey to go to the dance? He’s hot, and I don’t really believe what people say about him. I think he’s just shy. And don’t you two have a class together this semester?” Again, the optimist, and this time, changing the subject, too.

  “He’s not my type.” My hand shook as I applied a coat of mascara. Allowing Grey to invade my thoughts would be dangerous. The wrong kind of dangerous. The kind that could actually devastate me.

  “Oh, well. I do wonder what he’s always writing in those notebooks of his. Some kids say it’s crazy scary stuff like planning mass murders, but I bet it’s just poetry or something he doesn’t want anyone reading.”

  I threw the mascara back in the bag then turned to smile at her. “I’m ready. Let’s go, and for fuck sake, I hope someone spiked the punch.”

  “Are you serious?” Haleigh stopped rifling around in her purse and looked at me.

  And for the third time that night, I lied. “No.”

  Brody wrapped Kelsey in his arms and kissed her right there on the dance floor, just as he’d done with me only a few weeks ago. Knowing he’d be there with someone else was one thing, but seeing him kiss her left a sour taste in my mouth. Something brushed my shoulder, and I glanced over to see Grey standing next to me. I almost didn’t recognize him all dressed up in dark jeans and black suit jacket. He’d even styled his hair a little.

  He leaned over me until his breath tickled my ear. “You know, you can’t actually burn someone that way. You’ll just end up with a wicked headache if you try.”

  I continued to stare at Brody with a bad case of tunnel vision. I barely noticed the elaborate snowflake decorations scattered around the gym, turning the room into some sort of grown-up version of Frozen. “Thanks for the advice.”

  “Advice you choose to ignore?”

  “What’s your problem?” I turned to him. “I didn’t ask for your advice, and I don’t want it. Yet you continue to pass it out like some sort of know-it-all on how I should live my life. It’s my fucking life, so why don’t you do what you’ve been doing all week and stay the hell out of it?” My heart threatened to beat out of my chest, and I had
to take a steadying breath.

  His eyebrows knitted together. “Is that what you’re going to do? You’re going to push away everyone who wants to help you and only let people in who don’t give a rat’s ass about you? Brody is a douche and a player, and the only girl he’ll ever give a fuck about is the one he’s with right now.”

  “Screw you, Grey. I was done with him anyhow. And don’t tell me it doesn’t bother you to see Kelsey with him. Everyone knows you two had a thing, and she dumped you like yesterday’s trash.” I looked away and took another deep breath, willing myself not to cry, and trying to ignore the way I felt when Grey was close to me.

  “Great. That’s just great, Maddie. Keep pushing.” He stepped closer and lowered his voice. “Just so we’re clear, I don’t think I’m some all-knowing expert. I just—God, I like you, okay? And I don’t like seeing you like this. I don’t want your grief to get the best of you. Trust me. Brody’s not worth it. Neither is Kelsey, for that matter, and for the record, I haven’t thought about her in I don’t know how long. They’re both a waste of time and energy.” He shoved his hands into his pockets as if suddenly nervous. Then he mumbled something I couldn’t hear.

  “You know what? You’re right. They’re all just a big waste of time.” I left to grab my coat and headed toward the exit. As soon as I hit the parking lot, I made a beeline for Brody’s car.

  The shiny silver Dodge Charger took up two spaces, parked diagonally to avoid getting scratched—as if that would stop me from what I had in mind. I reached into my purse and fumbled around for the stolen tubes of lipstick. I pulled my glove off with my teeth to twist up the first one and proceeded to attack the windshield with glee.

  As if working inside the lines of a giant coloring book, I smeared the glossy red lipstick over the glass. Not an easy task in the bitter cold. Once I’d killed each tube, I repeated the process, pulling a fresh one from my bag until only a few hard-to-reach spots remained. Then I moved to the rear window and started the process again.