Ashes of Life

by Erica Lucke Dean

  I flashed him a wide smile as he dragged me through a storage area and another door until we were standing behind the counter, face to face with Alex.

  She looked up from her coffee and gasped. “Maddie? What are you doing back there? And you.” She blinked up at Grey. “What are you doing here?”

  “So, I see you’ve met coffee boy.” Alex’s friend, Natalie, smirked.

  Chapter 32

  Alex

  I gaped at Natalie. “You mean liquor boy, right?” My attention shifted to my stepdaughter and her boyfriend. I felt almost foolish using the silly nickname we’d given Grey before I’d known his name—even more so as he stood in front of Maddie as if protecting her from me.

  “This is liquor boy?” Natalie motioned toward Grey and when I nodded, she burst into hysterical laughter. “Oh, that’s—” She doubled over, heaving in breath after breath.

  “Why is that funny?” I looked to Maddie for an answer.

  She shrugged, leaning into Grey.

  Natalie wiped tears from her cheeks. “I’m sorry, but that’s hilarious. This is Grey, my coffee boy.”

  “The coffee boy? The same golden child who doesn’t smoke, drink, or do drugs?” I asked, flabbergasted. Not that I still held the same unfair opinion of Grey since Maddie and I had talked, but I wasn’t sure how to reconcile the two different versions of him in my head. Part of me held onto the belief that he’d somehow influenced Maddie’s reckless decisions.

  “It would seem so. Apparently, liquor boy and coffee boy are one in the same.”

  I stared at the dazed and confused expressions worn by Maddie and Grey. “But—”

  “Oh, this gets even better. That means you”—Natalie choked back a giggle as she turned to Grey—“are the kid who figured out the glitch in her video game.”

  Maddie pointed at me. “Her video game?”

  “Yep. Seems like your boyfriend has a bad case of hero worship for your stepmom—or at least the games she designs.”

  “You’re Alex Spencer?” Grey’s eyes bugged out of his head.

  I nodded, unable to find the words to respond. I’d gotten used to the reaction from teenage boys over the years, but that didn’t make me any less uncomfortable under his scrutiny.

  “Oh my God!” Grey pulled Maddie around the counter and perched on the stool next to me. “You’re like a-a legend! You’ve designed three of the decade’s most amazing video games. I got this job just so I could afford the new system to play Mystic Realms Three. Stores can’t even keep them in stock.” He sputtered on as if he were a teenage girl, and I was the newest boy band crush.

  “And you really don’t drink?”

  Maddie leaned around him to glare at me. “I’ve been telling you that for weeks.”

  “And you don’t smoke or do drugs?”

  “Sweetie…” Natalie patted my hand. “Can I get you a glass of water? You look like you might pass out.”

  Grey shook his head. “No, I’m fine. I just can’t believe I’m actually sitting here with Alex Spencer. In the flesh. Well, you know what I mean. And holy shit! I figured out the glitch in your last game!”

  Natalie barked out a laugh. “You sure did, coffee boy. Bragging rights for life, I’d say.”

  “Hey, Alex?” Grey fished into his pocket and pulled out an envelope. “Can I get your autograph?”

  “Are you kidding me?” Maddie huffed and parked herself on a stool several seats away. “Can’t a girl get a hot chocolate in this place?”

  “Shit.” Grey stuffed the envelope back into his pocket and rushed to Maddie’s side, pulling her into a loose hug. “Babe, I’m sorry. I can get an autograph anytime. Natalie, can we get a hot chocolate for the birthday girl?”

  “Oh, my God.” Her birthday? How did I miss that? I’d combed through every entry in David’s calendar and never stopped to note Maddie’s birthday? The look on Natalie’s face gave me my answer. I’d been too preoccupied with my own issues to pay attention to anything else. I cleared my throat. “Happy Birthday, Maddie.”

  “Thanks.” She glanced at me then turned back to Grey. “You know what? I’ve changed my mind about the hot chocolate. Can we just go?”

  Grey snuck a peek at me with an apology in his eyes. “Um… yeah, of course. Come on.” He grasped Maddie’s hand and helped her from the stool. “We can stop by Mercier’s on the way home.”

  “I’ll see you at the house later.” I flashed what I hoped was a friendly smile.

  She gave me a fake one in return. “Yeah, sure. Later.”

  It’s official. I’m going to be a terrible mother.

  For the third week in a row, I found myself hugging the toilet good morning. Somehow, I’d managed to keep my condition a secret from Maddie, but it would only be a matter of time.

  In fact, time was running out, in more ways than one. First of all, I faced a constant barrage of nagging from Natalie to tell Ben about the baby. She just didn’t understand. I wasn’t ready. Then there was pressure from the higher-ups to come up with a fresh idea for a game. But that was at least the good kind of pressure—the kind I was used to. In the midst of everything, I’d stumbled on gold.

  “Wow. Did Grey draw all these?” I flipped through the first few drawings of Maddie in warrior gear, surrounded by an entire cast of supporting players, myself included. “He’s really talented.”

  Maddie rushed toward me and snatched the book out of my hands. “That’s not yours. I never gave you permission to—did you look at all of them?” Her mouth dropped open, and she hugged the book to her chest.

  I threw my hands up in surrender. “Sorry! I didn’t know. It was just lying on the coffee table. I only saw the first few pages.” I narrowed my eyes at her. “Why? What did I miss?”

  “Nothing. It’s none of your business. I shouldn’t have left it out. Grey gave it to me for my birthday. You know, the day you forgot about?”

  I let out a sigh. “How many times do I have to apologize? I even got you a gift.”

  “Right. Of course. The fancy dress I can’t even wear until spring. You probably pulled it out of your own closet.”

  “I did not! And it’s not fancy. It’s a sundress, and I got it special for you.” Tears pricked my eyes, and I blinked them back before she caught me crying. My current emotional state was on par with a hormonal teenager. And the last thing we needed was two of us around the house.

  “So special you ran out and got it at the last minute. Thanks a lot.”

  “I’m sorry I forgot your birthday.” I choked back a sob, trying to hold the waterworks at bay. “I’m a horrible person. I should have put the date on my calendar.”

  “Ah, finally, we agree on something.” Maddie grabbed her jacket from a hook and flashed me a quick smile, her momentary pique forgotten. “Grey’s waiting for me. You wouldn’t want me to be late for school, would you? Tell Natalie I said hi.”

  Between the two of us, I was going to get whiplash from the rapidly changing emotions in the room. “Okay. Will do. Have a nice day.”

  “It’s been three weeks. You’re just about out of excuses, missy.” Natalie shook a finger in my face as she poured another decaf coffee for me with her other hand.

  “I know.” I adjusted myself on the red vinyl stool. “I just need time to figure out what I’m going to say.”

  “What’s there to figure out? ‘Hey, remember those times we—’”

  “Um, no. I’m not going to play the ‘remember when’ game. Besides”—I plastered a fake smile on my face—“lots of people wait until they’re out of their first trimester to share the happy news.”

  “Just don’t wait until the baby’s crowning, okay? Seriously, you need to tell him, sooner than later.”

  “I will. I should be able to hear the heartbeat at my appointment next week.
Once everything feels real, I’ll tell him.”

  Natalie banged her hip against the counter with a groan. “He should be there for that.”

  “Jesus, don’t start in on me about that too. Could you maybe leave a little bit of my ass intact? I might need it to give birth.”

  “I’m just saying.” She shrugged.

  “Drop it, Nat. I’m under enough damn pressure as is.” I let my head fall into my hands. “I’m trying to work on a new game design, I’m living with a rabid teenager, hell-bent on my destruction, and I have to get Sarah’s house ready to put on the market.”

  “Does Maddie know you’re selling her mom’s house?”

  “Yes. She knows. She just doesn’t know when.”

  “So, lemme get this straight. You haven’t told Ben about the baby, and you haven’t told Maddie about the house?”

  I blew out a ragged breath.

  “I’ll give you a break on one but not both. Promise me you won’t leave Maddie in the dark.”

  Chapter 33

  Maddie

  Mother’s Day hung over me like Poe’s swinging blade, each tick of the clock bringing me closer to my doom. I had no idea what disaster I had to look forward to, but for some reason, my world felt off.

  “Thank you for coming with me.” Grey reached over the center console to take my hand. “I know that couldn’t have been easy for you.”

  “No, it’s fine. I’m fine.”

  Grey wound us around the cemetery drive, and I stared out the window at the long shadows crawling forward from the perfect rows of headstones lined up like sentries. After an early lunch with his family and visiting his mother’s grave, memories of my own mother invaded my thoughts. I wasn’t even sure whether Mom would be buried beside Dad or not. How did that even work after divorce? Would Alex be the one to decide, or would I get a say?

  Grey pulled my hand to his lips and kissed my knuckles. “Where to? Should we swing by the coffee shop for some of Natalie’s world-famous blueberry scones? Or Mercier’s for chocolate cherry fudge?”

  I gave him a weak smile then went back to watching the scenery go by. “I’d like to go home.”

  “Home? I mean, I know Mother’s Day must be really hard for you, but I figured if we spent it together, you wouldn’t feel so alone.”

  The hurt in his voice caused me to turn and face him again. “Not my dad’s house. My house. I want to see if my mom’s tulips are blooming.” I squeezed his hand as the memory caught me off guard. “She used to fill a vase every Mother’s Day and take it to the senior center. I think I’d like to do that.”

  Grey smiled at me. “I think that’s a great idea.”

  I leaned my head toward him on the seat as he maneuvered us through town. A line had formed outside of Beverly’s Café for the annual Mother’s Day dinner, and the mouthwatering aroma of their chocolate-laden, peanut butter, caramel-filled cake reached me all the way in the car as we passed by. Mom and I always shared a slice even though we’d end up fighting over the last few bites.

  We’d just turned down Maple Drive when Grey’s voice shattered my memory of Mother’s Days past. “This can’t be good.”

  I gaped at the smoky-gray Porsche Cayenne parked in my mother’s spot in front of the garage. The tailgate hung open, exposing a stack of broken-down moving boxes, and a For Sale sign leaned against the rear bumper.

  “What the hell?” I had my seatbelt unbuckled and my door open before Grey had come to a complete stop. A bone-deep chill rattled through me. “What does she think she’s doing?”

  “Maddie?” Grey threw the car into park and reached for his own buckle as I jumped out.

  “No, Grey.” I whirled around to stop him from following me. “I need to do this myself. If she thinks she’s going to sell my mother’s house out from under me, she has another thing coming.”

  “What if things get out of hand, and you need a ride home? What about the tulips?”

  I glanced over my shoulder at the front door, imagining Alex pawing things she had no business touching. “I’ll call you if I need you.”

  His face fell, but he nodded. “Yeah, okay.”

  I spun around on my heels and marched up the front steps as he gunned his engine and pulled out. I threw open the front door, making it swing wide and bounce off the wall with a bang.

  Alex flinched from her seat on the floor, dropping a roll of clear packing tape. “Maddie!” She put her hand over her chest. “You scared me. What are you doing here? I thought you and Grey were spending the day together.”

  “What am I doing here? What are you doing here? This is my mother’s house. My mother’s stuff. You have no right to pack her things like she doesn’t matter.” My pulse pounded in my ears as I stood, panting in the doorway. I took another step inside and grabbed the door to slam it shut.

  Alex cleared her throat and pulled herself from the floor to take a step toward me. “We talked about this. I even showed you the numbers on the spreadsheet. It’s the best thing for both of us. We can’t move forward if we don’t put the past behind us.”

  “No. You talked. And I couldn’t give two shits about your dumb-ass spreadsheets.” I closed the distance between us and poked a finger into her chest. “You never asked me what I wanted. You never gave me a choice. And if you had, I would have told you it’s not the best thing for me. I don’t want to put my parents behind me like they never even existed.”

  Alex shook her head, her ponytail bouncing behind her. “You’re a kid, Maddie.” She tried to use her new “mom” voice, but it didn’t work on me. I knew she didn’t care. How could she when her parents were still alive and well and living on a beach somewhere in California? “You don’t have the capacity to make these types of decisions. The house needs to be sold. Her things need to be packed. You weren’t going to do it. So I had to.”

  I clenched and unclenched my fists with every word she uttered. “You should have asked me. You should have given me that option.”

  Alex sighed and scrubbed a hand over her face. “We did talk about this, but I’ll agree I wasn’t exactly in the most receptive mood for your argument the first time. You said some pretty horrible things to me, too, if you recall. But I thought for sure you understood my position the last time we talked.”

  The memory of our first discussion about Mom’s house flashed back in all its intensity. She’d deserved every nasty word I’d hurled at her. And so maybe I didn’t pay that much attention the second time she’d tried to talk to me, but she still should have given me the choice. “You’re not selling my house!”

  “Maddie, time is running out. I’m not going to debate this anymore. We can’t afford to keep an empty house. It’s not practical. And you’re seventeen. You couldn’t possibly understand what it’s like to live in the shadow of someone you can never compete with.” Alex grabbed an empty box and began tossing in my mom’s collection of Jane Austen novels.

  As her hand wrapped around the worn copy of Pride and Prejudice, I lost it. “Don’t. Touch. That. You’re damn right you can’t compete with her. You’re not good enough to touch her things. You’re nothing. You didn’t deserve my dad, and you don’t deserve to be standing here in the same house where they loved each other!”

  The book slipped from her fingers, landing on the floor on its spine with the pages spread open on either side. Her face flushed crimson, and her hands shook. “Why do you hate me so much? Because I fell in love with your dad? Because I’m not your mom? I can’t change any of that. And you have no idea how hard it is to take care of someone who despises you. So fine. You want to do it? You do it. But this house will be sold. And I don’t care if it’s filled to the brim with your mother’s precious stuff when it happens.” She tripped over the box, knocking it over and spilling the books across the carpet as she stormed out. I was still gaping at the open door
way when she returned with an armload of broken-down boxes. “You might need these.” She dropped them on the floor and slammed the door behind her as she left.

  As the adrenaline ebbed out of me, I dropped down beside the open book and let my tears fall. How did Alex expect me to pack up the tulips and the nights when my parents tucked me in and the time in the backyard I told my dad I wanted to be a ballerina? Was I just supposed to leave those things behind?

  I wished I hadn’t sent Grey away and fished my phone from my pocket to text him.

  Me: She’s really doing it. She’s selling my mom’s house.

  I clutched the phone to my chest while I waited, but the reply came almost immediately.

  Grey: So sorry baby. It’ll be ok. U’ll get thru it.

  Was Grey right? Would it be okay? Would I ever really get through it? I didn’t think so. My heart shattered, all the tiny pieces stabbed me from the inside, and I couldn’t breathe.

  Me: Wonder if anyone would buy the house w a dead body in it.

  Grey: What dead body?

  Me: Mine.

  Grey: Not funny, Madison. Don’t even joke about shit like that.

  I tossed my phone into the couch cushions and curled into a ball on the carpet. My phone beeped with a new message, but I no longer had the energy to respond. Instead, I leafed through the pages of Mom’s favorite book, stopping at the scene near the end where Elizabeth refuses to agree to the demands of Mr. Darcy’s aunt. I knew right then I didn’t have the strength to be like Elizabeth Bennet. Standing up to Alex, being better for Grey, fighting to keep the memory of my mother alive… it was just too hard.

  I pulled myself from the floor and made my way to my mom’s room, stopping for a moment in the bathroom to grab a bottle of cough syrup. The shoebox on Mom’s top shelf in her closet was where she’d hid her prescription medication: the stuff she didn’t want me to know about, the antidepressants, the sleeping pills, and the strong pain meds she didn’t really need for pain.