Unable to Resist

by Cassie Graham

  I start counting.

  Maybe it was longer than seven weeks…?

  “Shit,” I mumble as I try to get up, again. This time, I don’t get a blinding pain, and dash to the cabinet under the sink. I shuffle through all of its contents and pull out a pink pregnancy stick. I hold it up to Kyle. His face instantly goes quizzical in front of my shaky hand.

  Thank goodness Jason’s parents were trying to get pregnant last year. I stumbled upon the tests a few months ago, and threw them to the back of the cabinet like they were hot to the touch.

  Kyle takes the stick from my hands and looks at it. “You think you’re pregnant?”

  Gosh dammit.

  I probably should have done this alone. He’s going to flip his shit. I’m about to ruin our future, aren’t I? Oh my God, how will we go to college? How will we make enough money?

  Every bad thought is racing through my head when I see Kyle smiling at the damn stick.

  What? Did the thought of a baby break him?

  “Can you say something, please? I can’t believe this. I’m so sorry, Kyle.” My voice is shaky from the impending sob threatening to break from my chest.

  His head snaps up, and he looks hurt—like I’ve slapped him.

  “Why are you sorry?” He asks, almost winded.

  I sit next to him on the corner of the tub and take the test in my hands. “What are we going to do if I am pregnant? I’ve ruined everything.”

  Kyle drags my body onto his and he cradles my stomach in his hands. “How could a life that we created together, ruin anything? Besides, it takes two to make a baby. I don’t think you did this alone.”

  I look up at him in awe. “Really?” I can’t believe my luck.

  He kisses me, long and hard, and nods. “Take the test and let’s find out.”

  I get up and follow the directions.

  Three minutes later….

  Two lines…

  One pregnancy.

  Yep, you read that right. Me—eighteen and pregnant.

  My eyes begin to water, and I turn to look at Kyle. He steps up next to me and peeks over my shoulder to read the test. Carefully, he picks it up and grins proudly, letting a tear fall from his eye.

  “You’re really okay with this?” I say, hugging him as tightly as I can.

  “Don’t get me wrong, I’m scared shitless, but we can do this. You know I’ve always wanted a family.” He kisses the top of my forehead.

  He grew up without siblings. He desperately wanted to have someone to go home to, but his dad was never home, and his mom was an alcoholic. He deserves a family. Now, I can give that to him.

  “We’re going to have a baby,” I say, letting the words register in my mind.

  “Yes, we are. Now, let’s go celebrate.” He looks at me with a very stern look. “Not too much fun, though.”

  I chuckle and turn for the door.

  Always my protector.

  When we return to the living room, the party is in full swing. People are swaying to music with plastic cups in their hands. The smell of liquor and food asault my nose, and I immediately turn for the bathroom again.

  Kyle mutters a curse word and races after me.

  I slide to the toilet and empty my stomach violently.

  When my body regains composure, I pull myself to the sink and rinse my mouth out. Kyle looks at us in the mirror and gives me that perfect smile, the one that never fails to light up my heart.

  “Better?” He asks, rubbing my back lightly.

  I nod my head, already feeling less sick.

  “Okay, let’s get out of here,” he offers, “and just drive. The party will be fine without us. Let’s go celebrate our own way.”

  I take his hand and he leads me through the crowds of the party, toward the garage. We wave to Jason on our way out. He’s just sober enough to know that us leaving is odd, but still too sloshed to question us. He simply waves his hand and gives me an air kiss.

  Driving us away from our past and into our future, Kyle hops on the freeway. Rolling the windows down, he grabs my hand and holds on tight. I take it happily, setting our joined hands on my thigh.

  He is the only person who can truly complete me—in every way possible. The life growing inside me is just another example.

  We’re far outside of town, heading toward California, and I look at him in question.

  “Let’s get out of here for a while, yeah? We’ll drive straight to the ocean.” He points to the road ahead of us with an outstretched arm.

  I unconsciously put my hand on my belly and agree. “That sounds perfect, but what about clothes?”

  “They have stores in California, right?”

  I laugh. “Yes, smartass.”

  He chuckles, bringing my hand to his lips. “I love you, Ann Daniels. I’m going to marry you.” He glances at me with eyes shining so bright I feel like I might need to put sunglasses on. “Expect a ring soon. We’re going to have a great life together.”

  The thought of getting married would scare a normal eighteen year old, but not me. I know it’s stupid to want a family right away, but it’s the hand I was dealt. I can’t go back.

  Being Kyle’s wife and the mother of his children makes my heart beat a speed that is unhealthy. I want it. So. Incredibly. Bad.

  “I love you, Kyle. I can’t wait to be your wife.”

  His bright smile appears in the darkness, and I hum in content. Methodically rubbing my barely-there belly to the beat of the music, I notice the big, bright moon outside my window. It’s a shining new beacon, guiding my future life.

  Looking to my driver, my love, my future husband, I grab his hand and picture our life together. As easily as I can see him right now, I see our future. Having a couple of babies, raising them, watching them go to college to start their own lives, and then growing old with him. It’s almost too perfect to absorb.

  I drift off to sleep with new hope.

  In my subconscious, I hear the screeching of wheels. I snap my eyes open.

  Kyle reaches his right arm toward me as he attempts to avoid a semi-truck crashing across the median in our direction. I scream in horror as the slow motion scene happens in front of my eyes.

  Kyle slams on his breaks and the semi clips us, launching us into the air.

  I look over at Kyle, mid-air, and he lets go of the wheel to reach me. His arms shield me as we slam into the ground. I don’t know how many times we flip, but we’re in the air for what seems like a lifetime.

  The crunch of metal finally quiets and I breathe for the first time since being jolted awake. The car is turned upright, and I take the small victory. It’s late at night and the freeway is calm, not one car passes us. It’s odd to think the world goes on without you when something this awful and out-of-the-blue happens. I brave the moment and turn my head to look around.

  Glancing over at Kyle, he’s slumped in his seat, but breathing. I search for my seatbelt buckle and try to unbuckle myself, but the button is caught. I’m stuck. Reaching for Kyle’s, I try his and it doesn’t budge.

  “Ma’am, you alright?” A burly, round man says outside the car, looking through my now shattered window.

  We somehow landed on the opposite side of the freeway, facing east.

  Blood seeps into my vision, and I wipe my eyes. It’s a burn I’ll never forget.

  “Yeah. I’m okay, but my boyfriend—he’s not. He needs help.” I point to Kyle with one of my eyes closed.

  The man looks over at Kyle and reaches for my door handle. He tugs a few times. “It won’t open. Let me get something from my truck.”

  I nod my head and grab for Kyle. “Kyle, wake up.” I shake him. His eyes flutter open and they lock on mine. “Are you okay?” I ask.

  He shakes his head slowly, wincing in pain. “I don’t know. I don’t think so, sweetheart.”

  I start to panic when I realize he can’t hold his head up. “Look at me, baby. Please, please stay with me.”

  The man comes back with something to cu
t the seatbelt and releases me.

  I move to Kyle and partially sit on his lap. His eyes are closed and his body begins to shake.

  “Don’t leave me, dammit. We need you.” I look down at my belly. The once-beautiful flower-covered dress is now covered in blood.

  A blood-curdling scream radiates from my mouth.

  No, I’ve lost it…I just know it.

  Slowly, Kyle lifts his head and looks into my eyes. “I love you, sweetheart.” He looks up ahead, into the night, and smiles. “You’ll be okay. I promise. I love you.”

  I look out through the windshield in the same direction he did. “What? No!” I scream. “No! I love you. Please don’t leave me.”

  Kyle limply brings his hands around my waist, and tucks his head under my chin. He kisses my neck and takes one last breath. I hold on for as long as possible, rocking him, praying to bring him back. Willing it to happen. But, I feel it—the he second he leaves this earth, my life loses its light. It’s a dark abyss of sadness. I don’t know if I’ll ever come out of it.

  I have no idea the amount of time I sit holding his, once full of life body in my hands, but officers eventually unlatch my grasp from Kyle and walk me to a waiting ambulance.

  “Ma’am, you’re bleeding. Are you hurt?” A man asks, booming in my ear.

  I can’t speak. I don’t even shake my head. My heart is broken—no stolen—he second Kyle left. He took my heart and my child.

  It’s almost poetic in a sick sort-of-way. He always wanted a family and he took our child with him. I hope they are together now. Please, let him be at peace.

  Laying on a gurney, my mind shuts off. I don’t even notice the paramedics closing the doors to whisk me away to the hospital.

  I still haven’t said a word to anyone. They keep asking all sort of questions, but I say nothing. I can’t even comprehend their words. They mean nothing to me. The questions continue when we are rushed into the emergency room and a flood of nurses crowd me.

  I have no idea of the time, but it’s bright outside my hospital window and the doctor just walked in. I’m sure he looks like any other doctor, but it doesn’t matter. I don’t bother acknowledging him. I keep my eyes on the window and try to keep my heart from stopping. It’s all I can do at this point. Right now, living is difficult.

  “Miss Daniels, I’m sorry to tell you that you lost the baby. We suspect the impact of the crash caused bleeding, and the baby didn’t survive.” He states matter-of-factly. Not cold, not warm, just factually. Like the baby was nothing.

  A tear escapes.

  Even though I knew I was no longer holding our child, I still had a bit of hope. Hearing the doctor say it is another thing entirely.

  Twenty different forms of emotion hit me all at once, but there’s one that lingers. It keeps itself known, pushing its way to the forefront.

  Devastation.

  I have nothing left of Kyle.

  I bring my hand up to my mouth to cover my sob. I nod my head, and wait for him to leave.

  When he does, I cry for Kyle’s life, my child’s and my own. I’ll never be the same again. He changed my life in more ways than I can even fathom. He brought love I’d never known before. He brought hope. He brought happiness.

  His life was cut too short. So was mine. I don’t know how I’ll come out of this.

  I’m a failure.

  I let our baby die, and I lost Kyle. I know he would be encouraging me, telling me I need to live. That I need to go on, and do what I love.

  But, I can’t.

  My crying intensifies when I remember what he said only hours earlier about needing to let life in. He’d want me to mourn, but also celebrate. He’d want me to live for him.

  The only problem is, I don’t know how to do that. How do I celebrate a life that was taken too soon? How do I move on?

  Jason appears in my room, breathing heavily, and the moment our eyes meet he breaks down. I pull him into my bed, and we cry.

  Duane is silent when I finish my story. I wait a few minutes before looking up to give him time to absorb the enormity of my past. When I finally do, his eyes are pained.

  “I can’t imagine what you went through. God, I thought you were strong before. I’m so sorry, Red.”

  I grip his middle and shake my head. “No, I’m a fraud. I promised myself I would make him happy by living life, and look what I did. I ran. Ran to Nashville and away from my problems.”

  “You felt you had to leave. I don’t think Kyle would want you to be here and stay unhappy. Are you happy with your life in Nashville?” He asks.

  I think about owning my bakery, and the wonderful friends I’ve made. Sure, I’m happy, or maybe content is the better word to describe me, but I haven’t really been living. I’m going through life, but not the way Kyle would want me to.

  No one knows my past. They don’t know the shadows that linger in the back of my mind making me feel worthless. I’m scared to fall in love with any man because I can’t—or couldn’t—imagine falling for anyone when my heart had already belonged to another man.

  It didn’t feel right. Duane changes things, though. It’s frightening in a whole new way.

  “I’m happy with how my life has turned out, but I also feel like I’ve made myself miss out on things because I was—am—holding onto Kyle. It’s not just missing out on dating and falling in love. I let my passion go.”

  He strokes my back and asks. “What do you mean?”

  “I left my life here in Arizona when I moved to Nashville. Here, I was a performer; I lived for the spotlight, it was the only way I could express myself correctly. Since Kyle, I just couldn’t get back up there alone. Just the thought of getting on stage on my own is daunting. It pisses me off. I want to be stronger than I am.”

  The only reason why I stepped out on that stage to sing all those days ago was because Duane was there. Could I do it without him? Was it a one-time, bold thing I did because I didn’t really think about it? Can I get over my past and find a way to live my passion again?

  I honestly don’t know, and not knowing, sort of, sucks—it sucks bad.

  “I have complete faith that you’ll do what you love again.”

  “Really?”

  “Red, yes, really. I’ll be there with you, every step of the way—encouraging you, and rooting for you. Front and center, every performance. You don’t have to be afraid to live anymore.”

  I turn my head into his chest and nod my head. “Okay.”

  Rubbing his hand up and down my arm, he takes a big breath. “But, just as important as your passion is, I need you to understand something else.”

  “What’s that, Cowboy?”

  “I will never try to replace Kyle. He’ll always be in your heart. I just hope you can find some space in there for me, too.” He pauses, thinking of the next thing to say. “I know he’s important, I don’t ever want to take that away from you.”

  He says it with such sincerity and desperation, I cry. I didn’t even have to explain why I have had such a hard time dating. Most men would hear my past and be out the door before I could finish my story.

  That’s when I know.

  I silently thank Kyle. I know he picked this man out for me. He had a strong hand in me finding Duane. No one but Kyle could send someone so understanding.

  “I didn’t know if I could make room, truthfully. I didn’t think I had the ability to even date again, but knowing you understand my past and accept it—and accept me—that changes things. You just changed all of my plans.”

  “I don’t understand,” Duane says with a confused expression.

  I bring my hand to his face and stroke his cheek. “I’ve never been open to a relationship. I never thought anyone would understand me, or my situation, but you do. You changed things for me. I planned on being alone; I had accepted the fact I’d never find love again. Every plan I had in my life consisted of me living by myself forever.”

  Duane grabs under my arms, and pulls me up, as if I weigh not
hing. He sits us up together, and brushes the hair from my face.

  “This is it. That one defining moment in our lives. Are we going to run for the hills because we’re afraid to get hurt?” He asks, speaking to my worried soul.

  “You changed my life, too, Ann. You aren’t alone. I’ve never met anyone like you. Let’s never forget the past. Let’s relish in the fact that you’re here today, with me. Let’s live life for Kyle.”

  I wrap my arms around his neck and nod my head, unable to form any sort of response.

  “Let’s start fresh, okay? Let’s imagine I’m not your lawyer. I’m just going to take care of you. You don’t need to question my intentions or my reasoning.” He smiles. “I want you, my feisty, full-of-life-girl. I don’t ever see that changing, and you shouldn’t either.”

  We’ve yet to truly kiss, and I can’t help myself any longer, I catch his face in my hands and bring it close to mine, almost kissing. Duane places his hands on my hands, and lightly brushes his lips to mine.

  I think I might combust if he doesn’t kiss me soon.

  “I’m going to kiss you now, Ann. Please tell me that’s okay, even after everything we just said, I need to hear you say you want it, too.”

  Without answering, I crush my lips to his. A groan escapes my mouth. His perfect lips mold to mine effortlessly. He growls, and something primal snaps in me.

  Jesus, he’s sexy.

  I’m going to admit it—I want him. No more beating around the bush. I’m not running for the hills, I’m setting up shop and never leaving.

  Tangling my hands in his hair, he pulls me on top of him so I’m straddling his middle. He runs his hands down my back, sending chills up my spine, and then rests them on my hips. Lightly brushing his fingertips along the edge of my shirt, he grazes my bare skin and goose bumps automatically break out under his hands. I smile against his mouth.

  “There’s my girl,” he coos.

  He breaks the kiss to bring his lips to my neck, then delicately to my collarbone, across my chest and up the other side of my face. Just when I think he’s done, he brings his mouth to my earlobe and sucks. I hiss through my teeth to keep from unraveling. Duane must hear the sound that comes out of my mouth because he tightens his grip and gives me one last kiss.