The Darkest Hour: A San Diegan Novel

by S. M. Soto

  “Mrs. Roland,” he says with a smile in his voice.

  “Mr. Roland.” I smile back in way of greeting. Chase turns around and pulls me into his arms kissing my forehead. I reach into my back pocket and slip out the pregnancy test. Hiding it behind my back I reach for his hand with my free hand and open his palm.

  He laughs that husky laugh that I love and pinches his brows together in confusion.

  “What’re you doing, baby?”

  I look up into those beautiful blue eyes and smile at him with so much love. I place the test in his palm and close his fingers around it. His eyes haven’t strayed from mine and the love I feel shining through those blues is indescribable. He breaks our gaze first and looks down at his hand. His brow furrows as he opens his palm. His eyebrows shoot up and his gaze snaps up to mine. I sink my teeth into my bottom lip hiding my smile.

  “W-what’s going on?” He asks, the confusion clear in his voice. His eyes are bright and I can tell he’s trying not to get too excited.

  “I’m pregnant, Chase,” I say with the biggest smile on my face. His chest starts heaving and his mouth twitches. “How? I thought...”

  I smile up at him. “I don’t know how Chase. I know there’s always a chance even when doing a procedure but I just never thought it could actually happen.” I shrug and he picks me up. He spins me around peppering kisses all over my face. His eyes are bright and my heart sings with joy at seeing him like this. Once he sets me back down I whisper, “We’re going to have a baby, Chase.”

  He searches my face before dropping his gaze to my stomach then back at me again. The biggest Kool-Aid smile I’ve ever seen appears on his face and he grips my face in his hands and kisses me passionately.

  Life can be cruel. Within mere seconds, everything you’ve ever loved, ever lived for, can be taken from you without a second thought. But then again, life can be beautiful, gifting you with new possibilities you thought were impossible.

  Pulling away he looks down at my flat belly and places his hand there. His palm covers most of my stomach sending warm tingles throughout my body.

  “Wow. We’re going to be parents. A family,” he whispers in awe. Happy tears fall from my face and I place my hand over his enjoying the look of pure happiness written all over him.

  “Fuck, I’m gonna be a dad.” He laughs in disbelief. I laugh with him at his reaction and I nuzzle into his chest. He wraps his arms around me holding me tightly.

  “I’ll need to find a doctor and be sure everything’s okay.” I mumble against his chest. Chase looks down at me and kisses me tenderly.

  “I love you, Aliza.”

  “I love you, too”

  He hauls me up and I wrap my legs around his waist. The kiss is deep, filled with heated passion—his hand fists in my hair and his lips roughly glide over mine, liquefying my insides. I feel his bulge stirring and a small smile tugs at the corners of my lips. I grind down on him and he growls. He takes off into the house still carrying me and I laugh and squeal in excitement. I kiss him everywhere I can on our way up to the bedroom.

  Once inside he places me on the bed and tosses off his shirt. I waste no time getting naked either. Once he’s fully undressed I stare at his body hungrily never getting tired of the sight before me. He climbs over me and guides my legs to wrap around him. Positioning himself at my entrance he rests his weight on his forearms and looks down at me with nothing but love in his eyes.

  I snake my arms around his neck and pull his mouth down to mine. Our mouths glide over one another, our tongues teasing. I nudge his backside letting him now I’m ready. Chase prods at my entrance and slides into me deliciously slow. I gasp at the feeling of being so full. He pulls out and pumps back in filling me to the hilt. I moan and his lips part. He finds the perfect rhythm for the both of us and we make love until I come with his name on my lips and mine on his.

  The next morning, I wake up to an empty bed and head down stairs in search of my husband. Breakfast has been made and Chase is sitting on the breakfast bar staring intently at his laptop.

  “Breakfast for little ol’ me? You shouldn’t have, husband,” I announce playfully. He smiles up at me from his laptop and sets it down. Walking over to me he places a kiss on my forehead and leads me to the island where a large plate of food sits.

  “I made you eggs with pancakes, fruit, and some toast. There’s orange juice right there. Not sure what your appetite is like yet but I read you shouldn’t eat certain meats and things; so I figured this is the safest breakfast.” He goes back to his perch by his laptop leaving me speechless. I pick up the piece of toast and take a few bites before walking over to him. He has at least ten different browser windows open on his laptop.

  “I’ve been looking at different doctors and comparing. I think this guy is the best,” he says pointing to one of the men in the windows, “He’s also a specialist for many things in case stuff goes wrong. I called and made an appointment for you, they can squeeze us in later today.”

  My mouth hangs open in shock and I sputter a disbelieving laugh.

  “Whoa, cowboy, it’s barely nine in the morning, babe. When did you do all this?” I raise my brows.

  “Got up a little early this morning and decided to do some research.” His cheeks flush and I laugh.

  “God, I love you, you know that, right?”

  He smirks “I know. I love you, too.”

  ***

  At the doctor’s office, my nerves spike at seeing all the pregnant women in the waiting room. I can’t escape the memories of being here before. Back then it was under completely different circumstances. I was a single teenaged mother just finding out I was pregnant, and now it’s the complete opposite.

  Many of the women sneak glances or blatantly stare at Chase and I have to physically stop myself from slapping some of them. Seriously, ladies, you’re all fucking pregnant. Reel the hormones in, would you? This guy is already taken. I continue staring some of the women down with glares until they shift their hungry gazes elsewhere. After a ten minute wait my name is called and we’re in a room waiting for the doctor.

  “Relax, babe,” Chase says looking at me with an amused grin. I stop bouncing my leg and give him a nervous smile.

  “Sorry.”

  “Everything’s going to be fine, baby. Don’t worry.”

  “Knock, knock,” The doctor announces before coming in.

  Seriously? I’m pretty sure a real knock would’ve sufficed but whatever. The man that comes in is in his mid-forties with salt and pepper hair.

  “I’m Doctor Eastman; you’re the father I presume.” He shakes hands with Chase before facing me.

  “And you must be Aliza. Very nice to meet you. Let’s get started.”

  After asking questions about my last missed period and my procedure he offers his expert opinion.

  “I can tell you’re extremely nervous, Aliza, which is normal considering everything you’ve been through. From what you’ve discussed with the nurse, I understand that a pregnancy after having a tubal procedure is a shock but, as you can see, it is possible. I must say that about one in three women who conceive whilst their tubes are tied, run into the chance of having a tubal pregnancy, which can be a real problem. I have no reason to believe that’s your case, but I’d like to evaluate and see how everything is looking. Should there be any complications, we can take necessary precaution before things progress. We’ll also be able to get a better time frame of how far along you might be, getting you set up with a proper due date.”

  I nod my head trying to process everything he’s just said without my head exploding. Damn, that was an earful, not to mention nerve wracking.

  Doctor Eastman lays me down and asks that I unbutton and unzip my jeans.

  “I’m going to spread this gel along your lower abdomen, Aliza. It might be a little cool, so bear with me.” He spreads the gel and rubs the instrument along my stomach as he watches the monitor looking for a visual of our baby.

  “Hmmm.” He s
tares at the screen intently with his brows furrowed in concentration. The monitor is white and black making it hard to tell what is what. There are a lot of white blobs, making it impossible for me to understand what he’s looking at, or what he thinks he’s seeing.

  “Is there something wrong?” Chase does a good job of hiding the worry in his voice, but I can hear it clear as day. It sends alarms blaring through my head. A cold sweat seeps out of my pores and my heart beats rapidly. My mind drifts to the worst possible scenario, but I force it away trying to tame my worry.

  “Everything looks fine, although it seems I’m getting two heart beats. Congratulations you two. You’re having twins.” He points to the two small dots right next to each other and smiles at me and Chase encouragingly.

  My heart skips a beat and I shift onto my elbows, looking from the monitor to my husband whose eyes are glazed over. He’s staring at the monitor like he’s awestruck. Tears leak from my eyes and slide along my temples absorbing into my hair. I reach for Chase’s hand and he smiles down at me and mouths ‘I love you’.

  “You can take these pictures home with you and I’ll see you again next month. You’re about ten weeks along as of right now. You have two healthy babies, and no sign of a tubal pregnancy. If you feel anything out of the ordinary don’t be afraid to give me a call. Congratulations again.”

  He pats my hand lightly and gets up, heading out of the room to give me and Chase some well-deserved privacy. I hold onto the pictures of our first ultrasound with trembling hands. I’m afraid if I move, this moment, and everything else will be taken away. Like I’ll wake up and this will all be a dream.

  A warm hand slides onto my thigh, squeezing just above my knee. I lift my eyes up to the sparkling blues belonging to my husband, and smile; a real, genuine smile, because, life couldn’t be any more amazing than it is right in this moment.

  “Twins.” His voice is awed, like he can’t believe we’re this lucky either, and his eyes drop to the pictures in my hand. I grasp his hand resting on my thigh and squeeze tightly with a fresh wave of tears pooling in my eyes.

  We made it.

  After getting cleaned up and set for my next appointment, Chase and I head out to the car. I stop walking and he turns around looking at me.

  “What’s wrong?” He asks, worry evident on his face. I give him a placating smile.

  “Nothing’s wrong, Chase.” I shrug my shoulders. “I can’t remember the last time I was this happy. You gave me my life back, Chase Roland. You’re my everything and so much more. I love you more than words can describe.”

  Chase takes my face in his hands and brushes his lips over mine tenderly.

  “You did the same for me. From the moment I laid eyes on you, I knew you were gonna change my life. And that’s exactly what you did. You gave me the strength to breathe again.”

  I crush my mouth against his and kiss him passionately. We pull away with heated stares and goofy grins realizing we’re still in public.

  “I guess that kiss explains why you’re pregnant, huh?”

  I toss my head back with a throaty laugh.

  “God, I love you.”

  “I might love you a little bit too,” he jokes. I slap him on the shoulder playfully. I pull back from his arms slightly and stare up into my favorite shade of blue.

  “You’re going to make a great dad to these babies.” I run my hands through his unruly hair.

  His eyes soften at the mention of our babies, and it makes my heart flutter. This man has given me everything. He’s my soulmate, my other half, the missing piece of me. His keys fit all my locks, revealing my truest self.

  Back in the car on our way home, I place my hand over his and squeeze. I thought for so long, if I let anyone in I was letting Rosie and my family go. Leaving them behind; but I was wrong. I was so wrong, because right here in this moment, I can’t help but feel like this is where I was always supposed to be. And I know for certain that’s because Rosie has guided me here. Chase and I smile at each other and I feel the air electrify and our hearts synchronize, beating as one.

  “He’s more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.”

  – Emily Bronte

  Epilogue

  4 years later

  “Daddy! Daddy! Can we wake up Mommy now? She’s gonna miss her birfday,” my son begs, barely containing his excitement as he tugs on my shirt. Both my son and daughter pout up at me giving me the puppy dog eyes. I sigh.

  Shit. I never even stood a chance.

  “Let me grab one of Mommy’s presents first.”

  They breakout into wide smiles and hop up and down excitedly. In my office, I open my work desk, gently lifting the wrapped frame I got for Aliza as one of her gifts.

  Taking each of my babies’ hands, we walk down the hall and quietly open my bedroom door. Aliza is still sound asleep and she looks like a fucking angel. Her long blonde hair is fanned out across the pillows as her chest rises and falls slowly. She’s a sight for sore eyes. Bending down, I whisper to the children.

  “Wake mommy up slowly then give her this present, okay?”

  They both nod their heads and run to the bed squealing and hopping all around Aliza—completely ignoring my instructions. I can’t help but laugh when she starts stirring.

  “What the—…”

  “Happy birthday, Mommy! We got you a pwesent,” Lilly and Gabe shout with wide grins.

  Aliza sits up and scoots back against the headboard. Her blonde bed hair falls haphazardly below her shoulders. Her full pink lips are still swollen from last night’s activities. Pure unadulterated satisfaction flows through me making me smile victoriously. My wife is a minx.

  Aliza smiles lovingly at our babies and kisses each of them on the top of their heads. Male pride bursts through my chest at watching my beautiful family.

  “Thank you, my loves. Let’s see what it is,” she says excitedly. My hands begin to sweat and I shift nervously on my feet. I’m not sure how she’ll react to the gift. I’ve never been one to second guess myself but my wife always makes me think twice. More than anything, I need her to love the gift.

  She unwraps the frame and stills when she sees the photo inside. She slides her finger reverently across the frame. Looking up at me she has tears in her eyes and she smiles with trembling lips. She mouths thank you, and I release my breath and smile back.

  The gift I gave Aliza was a photograph of our whole family. Earlier this year we took pictures near the beach with us all holding hands. I had a professional Photoshop in Aliza’s favorite picture of Rosie. Me and Aliza are standing side by side holding hands, Gabe is holding her hand, Lilly is holding his hand and Rosie is holding Lilly’s hand. The picture looks so real that you would never be able to tell we photo shopped her in. I know Aliza’s birthday is one of the hardest days for her because she lost Rosie, but every year I try to do something to ease the pain a fraction. The loss of a child…it’s horrible. A complete nightmare. Aliza will never be whole again, this much I know, but that doesn’t mean that every day I don’t try to make it easier on her.

  “How about you guys get your other presents for mommy?” I suggest. Lilly and Gabe jump up and down and sprint to their room. Once they’re gone Aliza looks up at me and clutches the frame to her chest.

  “This is the most beautiful thing anyone has ever done for me, baby. I love it.” She places the picture on the pillow and slides off our bed revealing the tiny baby bump in her pajamas.

  Yes. We are on our third child thanks to Aliza’s tube reversal. After the rough birth of the twins we knew having another child was out of the question because it was dangerous. When I found out she had her tubes reversed I was angry at first—rightfully so. She decided to do it as a surprise for me, and boy, was I fucking surprised. I wasn’t angry because it’s not what I wanted; I was angry because she went through a major procedure and hid it from me with the help of her crazy ass friends. I won’t complain though. I’m beyond blessed with a
beautiful wife and a growing family. I couldn’t be happier.

  My wife walks over to me with sincere joy shining in her eyes. When I first met Aliza, I was shocked at the hollow look in her beautiful eyes. They were so big and blue, filled with nothing but pain. I couldn’t understand how someone as beautiful as her could harbor so much pain. The day I saved her at the beach, I didn’t realize I was saving myself, too. Aliza and I are stronger together, we build off one another. My heart soars when I see how far she’s come, and how happy our family makes her. She nestles her tiny frame in my arms and squeezes me tightly. I hold her to me, wrap my arms around her and breathe her sweet scent in. Never gets old.

  My wife is the strongest woman I’ve ever met. She surprises me every day with her strength.

  “We both know Rosie’s always with us but I wanted a picture with all of us together to remember her by...although, that was before we found out about this little guy,” I say with a chuckle pointing to her growing abdomen. Aliza clutches me tighter.

  “It’s beautiful, babe. She fits perfectly. I love you so, so, much Chase. I don’t know what I ever did to deserve you.” She pulls back, staring into my eyes with tears in hers. “And what makes you think it’s a boy, huh?” she asks with a raised brow wiping away a stray tear.

  I chuckle lightly. “Beautiful girl, wasn’t I right about Gabe and Lilly?”

  I cockily smile at her, and she rolls her eyes, batting my shoulder away playfully. Her lighthearted expression falters as she searches my eyes.

  “I don’t know what I’d ever do without you,” She confesses–emotion thick in her voice, close to tears again.