All That Is Left of Us

by Catherine Miller

  Joel placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. ‘You’ve done an amazing thing. It’s bound to be hard going. Anytime you need some respite, there’ll be a bench, tea and chocolate waiting. Well, at least when I’m working. I can’t guarantee it on the days I’m not here.’

  It was funny how Dawn was the only one who didn’t see herself as amazing. She found herself thanking him again before heading off towards the lemurs.

  When Dawn caught up with Archie, Harry was beginning to fuss and it was a good cue to start heading home. They would be able to drop Harry off at his parents on their way. That was the upside of this situation. She didn’t have to deal with those endless nights of interrupted sleep. This was the part where she should feel euphoric, so why did her heart feel so heavy?

  By the time Dawn had loaded Harry in and out of the car seat he was screaming again. The poor mite really did sound like he was suffering from colic. She’d only had normal bottles today so hopefully the specialist ones would arrive for them soon.

  Archie waited in their car as she delivered Harry back. Even hefting him to the house in the car seat was an effort. They might only live a few streets away, but carrying this any distance would have been awkward.

  After waiting several minutes, Rebekah made it to the door, still bleary-eyed, but she didn’t appear quite as crazed as when she’d turned up at their flat unannounced earlier.

  ‘He had his feed a bit earlier than you said at ten. He took about seventy-five mls and I’ve changed two wet nappies. He napped for about an hour.’ She relayed all the details she thought Rebekah would need to know. Dawn placed the car seat with Harry in and the change bags in the porch as her sister-in-law wasn’t being quick in taking them and they were heavy to hold on to after this morning’s adventure. ‘What happened to the pram?’

  Rebekah glanced sideways before saying, ‘Thank you for having him. You’ve been a lifesaver.’

  ‘We’ll see you for Sunday lunch tomorrow. Are you still okay with having it at the flat?’

  Rebekah picked up the car seat now Harry was crying again. ‘We should be there. We’ll let you know if we’re not up to it.’

  ‘Right, well, we’ve got to head off. See you tomorrow.’

  Rebekah waved goodbye and moved to close the door.

  As she did so, Dawn caught sight of what Rebekah had glanced at earlier. It was a large cardboard box with a small picture displaying its contents. It was the pram, as yet unopened. And spotting it opened up all sorts of questions about whether the couple were actually coping.

  Chapter 12

  When there was no confirmation either way, Dawn had to assume that Sunday lunch was back on. Unlike last week when David had cancelled, this week she’d heard nothing and, having given them brief respite yesterday, she had to hope she wasn’t going to the trouble of cooking for them not to turn up.

  ‘Do I have to pretend I haven’t met the baby?’ Archie asked as he nosed into the galley kitchen like a dog hoping for scraps.

  ‘No. Rebekah knows you met him yesterday.’

  ‘But Uncle David doesn’t. I didn’t know if I needed to pretend it was the first time, because it would have been.’

  For an amazingly intelligent boy, Archie could ask the daftest of questions.

  ‘They asked us to look after Harry so I hope David would have realised.’ Maybe that was why Archie was asking. The uncertainty this small human being brought with him.

  When dinner was cooked, Dawn didn’t know whether to wait or serve it up and assume they weren’t coming.

  ‘But it’s one o’clock, Mum. We always eat at one.’ As with everything, Archie liked to keep to routine.

  Dawn was beginning to doubt if they were coming and it didn’t seem right to make Archie wait too much longer. ‘How about we wait another fifteen minutes? It’s hard to get anywhere on time when you have a baby in tow. How about a Brussels sprout kebab to keep you going?’

  ‘Yeah, okay.’

  Dawn threaded five Brussels sprouts on a kebab skewer and handed them to her son. Never had there been a youngster so enthusiastic for the vegetable. It sometimes made her question whether he was actually hers.

  When the fifteen minutes were over, Dawn dished up their dinners. She remembered how hard it was with a newborn, but was it really so hard to send a quick text to say they weren’t coming?

  Despite the disappointment hanging over her, Dawn plated up food for their absent guests. There was still a chance they might show, however late, and she didn’t want the food to go to waste.

  ‘Do you think, if they don’t turn up in…’ – Archie studied the clock – ‘…seven minutes’ time, I could have their sprouts as well?’

  Dawn smiled. She had to admire Archie’s appetite and thankfully he seemed to be unfazed by them not turning up. ‘You can have some crumble instead. If you have any more sprouts, you’ll have to find a flat of your own with the amount of wind you’ll produce.’ The after-effect of his favourite vegetable was not a pleasant one. Although being such a boy, he barely noticed the odour it produced.

  ‘Is it sprout crumble?’ Archie laughed at his idea of a joke.

  Even Dawn raised a smile. ‘It’s apple and strawberry. And after that, we’ll be a takeaway service and take it over to their house.’ The idea left her mouth quickly because that way she would have to stick to it. Archie would pester her into it if she wasn’t true to her word.

  When they’d dropped Harry off the previous day, only Rebekah had come to the door and there hadn’t been much chance to talk. Dawn wanted to speak to her brother as she’d not really seen him since he’d come round to the flat with little warning. It was odd not to see him all the time like she usually did. She was used to them living in each other’s pockets and today’s no-show was a warning flag, although it was hard to identify what it was signalling. At least taking some food round would help if they were struggling.

  When they made it to the car, Dawn placed a series of Tupperwares on Archie’s lap. She’d realised the initial idea of plating up and delivering was logistically impossible without a sloppy mess in the car. So they’d transferred their dinners and desserts into containers so Archie could look after them.

  ‘We should have done Harry a portion,’ Archie said, as they made their way.

  ‘Harry will be on nothing but milk for at least the next five months. I’m sure you can ask Auntie Rebekah if sprouts can be one of his first foods.’

  ‘When I have children, they can have sprouts every mealtime.’

  ‘I’m sure they would love you for that.’ Dawn was pretty sure he would change his mind on that one when it came to changing nappies.

  Coming into Rebekah and David’s cul-de-sac, Dawn was always struck by how different an area could be when only a few streets away. Their property was one that she would never be able to dream of owning. It was so quiet with no through traffic. There were more cats about than people.

  Pulling up to the house, it didn’t take much for Dawn to realise something was up. David’s car was missing from the drive and a clamp wound its way round her heart. What if they’d had an accident? What if Harry was ill? What if the reason they’d not been in contact was something far more serious than forgetting what day of the week it was?

  ‘Wait here. I’ll go see if they’re in.’ The constriction of Dawn’s blood flow was making her want to panic while outwardly she battled to remain calm. Images were flashing through her head so uncomfortable she couldn’t bear them. What if they’d gone for a drive to help Harry sleep, but they were so tired… It didn’t bear thinking about.

  On ringing the doorbell, it was a blessed relief to hear Harry respond with his best ear-piercing cry. At least he was okay.

  David opened the door, a pale form of the brother she knew. ‘Didn’t you read the sign?’ He pointed to the window. ‘Thanks for waking him up.’

  In large capital letters, the note pointing to the doorbell said: DO NOT RING. BABY SLEEPING.

  ‘Where’s your c
ar?’ If David wasn’t bothering with formalities, she certainly wasn’t going to.

  ‘It’s in for its MOT. Are you coming in?’

  ‘Archie’s in the car.’ It was hard to tell if they were welcome. ‘We brought the roast dinner you missed at lunchtime.’ Perhaps an olive branch would soften the blow. Or a sprout stick if Archie had anything to do with it.

  ‘Shit. Sorry. I thought we’d let you know we wouldn’t be there.’

  ‘I’ll go get Archie.’

  David pulled the door to and came with Dawn.

  ‘How you coping?’ Dawn asked, when David didn’t say anything.

  ‘I don’t know how you managed by yourself when Archie was a baby.’

  ‘I was young. You don’t feel sleep deprivation in the same way when you have babies in the same years you should be out clubbing. I’m not sure I’d be so up for it now. Is he getting any sleep at night yet?’

  ‘Barely.’

  They reached the car and whereas normally Archie would have bounced out to see his uncle, this time they had to relieve him of all his boxes so he could get out of his seat. Archie being out of the car stopped Dawn from asking the questions she wanted to.

  When they went into the house, Rebekah was in the front room with Harry settled on her shoulder.

  Dawn offered to warm up their meals for them. As Harry had settled again, it was like walking on eggshells. The curtains were drawn and they were reduced to hushed tones. She didn’t want to be the one to tell them they should get him used to noise in the day otherwise it would be harder to get him to nap. Maybe she could buy them a white noise machine as a subtle hint.

  Dawn was given permission to heat the meals, but instructed to stop the microwave before it binged. God knew how Rebekah was going to eat with Harry curled on her chest. Hopefully she’d be willing to let David take a turn so they would both get to eat.

  Before there was any chance of Archie making too much noise, Dawn suggested he play in the garden. It was a nice afternoon and it was a shame to waste it being stuck inside. As they’d missed their normal trip to the park, it would do him good to get some fresh air.

  Bip. Bip.

  Dawn slammed the microwave button and the door sprang open. She’d been too busy watching Archie play through the window and having positive garden lust to take note of the seconds counting down.

  Even though they were in the next room, the increased tension in the air was palpable. It was lucky Dawn managed to stop it before it completed the full amount of beeps.

  David joined her in the kitchen and it was like being back at school, when she knew she was in trouble before a word was spoken.

  ‘Can you…’

  ‘I know. I’m sorry. Do you want some dinner or not?’ It was almost like she wasn’t doing a nice thing for them. Had they already forgotten the number of months she’d sacrificed being pregnant for them? And here she was sorting their tea and getting told off.

  ‘No, I’m sorry. We just don’t feel like we’re winning.’

  Winning? What was it, a war? It was a baby in that room. ‘Have you thought about going out? Have you even managed to get him out to the garden yet?’ Dawn didn’t want to be angry, but they were two intelligent people. It didn’t take a genius to work out that keeping Harry cooped up inside wasn’t helping anyone.

  ‘Rebekah hasn’t felt up to going out yet,’ David said in hushed tones.

  ‘But it’s okay for me to take him out?’ Dawn snapped in a way she’d not intended to. For so long David had been the left to her right. It was odd to be out of sync with one another. Not knowing exactly what was going on in his life was making her uncomfortable.

  ‘Let’s see if Archie is okay.’ David guided Dawn to the back garden, clearly not wanting his wife to hear their conversation. Once they were outside, he answered her question. ‘It wasn’t right of Rebekah to ask you to do that. She offered to take Harry for a walk so I could catch up on some sleep. I had no idea she’d come to you and asked you to look after him. First I knew about it was when I came downstairs and found her asleep on the sofa.’ David wrapped his arms around himself in a very unfamiliar pose.

  Archie was busy looking under rocks to count woodlice. ‘So she hadn’t told you?’ Maybe that was why Rebekah had looked so wild when she’d come over.

  ‘No.’ There was a gruffness in David’s voice. ‘It sent me into a blind panic seeing her lying there with Harry nowhere in sight. All sorts of things went through my head. I came to your flat to come and get him, but you were long gone. I knew you’d be at the zoo so I came home and waited while Rebekah cried.’ He sniffed and wiped the end of his nose. He didn’t seem far off tears himself.

  ‘I didn’t realise.’

  ‘I want her to see the doctor. I know it sounds silly, but I think she has something similar to postnatal depression.’

  Surely Dawn was the one who should be suffering from that? For a while, post-birth, she’d thought she was close to it, but somehow the gloom had lifted. It was hard for Dawn to understand why Rebekah would be experiencing anything other than joy, despite being too tired to see straight. ‘Book her in if you’re worried.’ At the end of the garden, Archie continued to inspect insects with an intense concentration. She hoped he’d not even noticed they were in the middle of a private conversation. She was hoping Rebekah was also oblivious to their sudden exit, although it was unlikely.

  ‘She’s refusing. Says I’m overreacting.’

  ‘Having a baby was always going to change things.’ Dawn didn’t want to state the obvious, but she wondered if this was partly David also struggling with the changes in their relationship. He was no longer number one.

  ‘But it’s more than that.’ David looked towards the house as if it might give him answers.

  Dawn didn’t know what to say. She didn’t want to hear that things weren’t perfect. She hadn’t helped a child into the world for it all to go wrong.

  ‘I know it’s a lot to ask, but will you be able to help look after Harry? Only one morning a week, not every day. I just think Rebekah needs some support. Someone to talk to.’

  Once again, Dawn wondered why Rebekah didn’t have friends to do that with. But then she was the woman she’d trusted to carry her baby. Maybe that automatically made her the best friend she’d ever had. ‘I’m not sure I’m ready to be involved like that. Not wanting to be too graphic, but while I’m still lactating I don’t think it’s right for me to be involved. I might know Harry isn’t mine, but my body doesn’t.’

  From inside, Harry’s cries sounded out.

  ‘I don’t know who else to ask. I don’t think she’ll cope if she doesn’t get any respite.’ Dawn heard the desperation in his voice.

  ‘Can I go and see Harry?’ The noise from the house roused Archie’s interest enough to tear him away from woodlouse watch.

  ‘We’ll go together in a minute. Can you put all the rocks back in their place first, please?’ Archie had left them lumped on the lawn.

  ‘We need to sit and talk about it with Rebekah. Maybe we can sort something. There must be some solution to this that doesn’t involve me.’ Even though she was reluctant, they needed to restore balance and find a way to get through this.

  Once they were all back inside, Dawn caught a glimpse of Rebekah’s expression and it was clear from her reddened eyes she’d been crying.

  It made Dawn think about that horrible sense of isolation she’d felt in the early days of becoming a mum, an emotion that was magnified by the loss of her college friends. She didn’t want Rebekah to experience that same sense of loneliness.

  ‘Can I hold the baby?’ Archie asked, unaware of the other tensions bouncing about the room.

  ‘Of course, buddy, although he might be a bit grizzly,’ David said.

  ‘You’ll need to sit down on the sofa and pop a pillow on your lap. You have to make sure you support his head.’

  ‘Human babies are funny,’ Archie laughed to himself.

  It was only when he w
as settled on the sofa that Dawn spotted the reluctance in Rebekah’s expression to pass Harry over. ‘Don’t worry, Archie’s as gentle as anything. You should see how well he handles Norman.’ Okay, so Harry and Archie’s spider weren’t anything alike, but it riled her that Rebekah was thinking Archie’s gentle nature would cause the baby any harm.

  ‘Here we go.’ Rebekah snapped out of her moment of doubt and gently passed Harry on to Archie’s lap.

  ‘Hello, little cousin.’ Archie folded his arms to embrace the youngster. ‘Soon you can come and see the meerkats again. You’ll have to come over and see them next time. Elvis would like to meet you.’

  As Archie rattled off the names of all the meerkats, and Harry contentedly cooed at the situation, Dawn decided to take a leaf out her son’s book. If he was able to take this whole situation in his stride, she should try to do the same. If they honestly had no one else to turn to, she would offer to help one morning a week, like they’d asked. If it became too hard for her, she would just have to let them know.

  Chapter 13

  The summer holidays came round all too quickly, but for once Dawn was looking forward to it. Archie was already busy working on his meerkat experience project, spending hours in his room making mock displays with the information he thought was essential. It turned out there was a lot to learn about the small mammal. It was fascinating to find out the depth of her son’s knowledge.

  When Wednesday arrived, it was hard to believe they were halfway through their first week already. Today they were headed to the zoo so Archie could show Joel what he’d been up to. If that wasn’t enough to keep them entertained, they were also taking Harry and she’d also agreed to meet Caitlin. It would give her the chance to explain that regular meet-ups were not on the agenda.