All That Is Left of Us

by Catherine Miller

  This time Harry came complete with pram and somehow it was much easier without him being attached to her.

  Archie took his project work off to show Joel and Dawn waited on the bench, giving Harry his bottle rather than sketching out another tattoo design idea. Even though she was a way away, she could tell from Joel’s expression he was impressed with what Archie had been up to. It was possible there were facts in there even Joel didn’t know. She just hoped it wasn’t too over the top, as she imagined it might need scaling back to make it a bit more user-friendly.

  Caitlin arrived and this time she was the one with a baby carrier. ‘Sorry we’re late. I’m finding it so hard to get into any kind of routine at the moment. How long does Harry go between feeds?’

  ‘He’s not my baby.’ It was a bit of a conversation stopper, especially when she had the baby balanced on her lap, which made it seem more illogical than it actually was.

  ‘What do you mean?’ Caitlin looked at Dawn like she was entirely cuckoo.

  ‘Harry isn’t mine.’ Dawn didn’t know quite how to explain. ‘I’m his surrogate mum. Do you remember Rebekah, my sister-in-law? She was at the antenatal class with me. Harry is hers.’

  Caitlin’s baby began to stir in his sling, so she joined Dawn on the bench and started to wrestle him out. ‘But wasn’t she pregnant as well?’

  ‘She was wearing a fake bump so she didn’t feel left out.’

  ‘Oh.’ With a few swift manoeuvres, Caitlin managed to latch her baby on to her breast.

  ‘What’s his name?’ Dawn was so caught up in her own world she couldn’t remember.

  ‘Buddy.’ Caitlin shifted to make herself more comfortable, knowing she might be stuck in the same position for some time. ‘I don’t understand, though. If you’re his surrogate, aren’t you supposed to hand him over?’

  Dawn propped Harry up for a round of winding. ‘I did, but he’s not sleeping very well at night so I’ve volunteered to help out one morning so Rebekah can catch up on some sleep. He is my nephew, after all.’

  ‘But isn’t it a bit soon for him to be away from his mum?’

  Looking at Harry, propped up with her hand, unable to do anything without help at the moment, she was inclined to agree. ‘It wouldn’t be my choice, but it’s not my call.’

  ‘And you don’t mind looking after him?’

  ‘I’m not madly keen on the idea, but then I remember how hard the early days can be with little or no sleep. It’s enough to drive the toughest of women to their breaking point.’

  ‘Buddy has been better the last few nights so I’ve managed to get some sleep in. I’m hoping it continues. You’re right, it’s tough going.’

  ‘Anyway, I just wanted to let you know what was going on. Thank you for the play date invites, but it’s not me that will be taking Harry on them.’

  Caitlin switched Buddy from one side to the other. Dawn had to admire how well she’d got to grips with breastfeeding. ‘But hang on – didn’t you say you were going to look after him once a week? Will you always be coming here?’

  ‘Probably.’ Dawn sensed what Caitlin was about to suggest and it was making her pulse race a bit faster. Try as she might she wasn’t doing a very good job of stopping this friendship from reigniting. The problem was she was able to chat to Caitlin in a way that made the years vanish, making her forget the mistakes she’d made.

  ‘So why don’t we meet you here? They’re too young for play dates anyway. It’ll be more of a sanity check-up.’

  Dawn let out a nervous laugh. She liked the idea of a sanity check-up. ‘I’ve been needing one of those for a while.’ But she had Jane for that. For a moment Dawn daydreamed about the three college buddies reuniting. She hadn’t mentioned to Caitlin that she was in touch with Jane still.

  ‘How about it then? If you’re stuck here while Archie is busy, I can pop by for tea and a half-hour catch-up. It doesn’t have to be every week.’

  The idea was appealing and appalling all at once. But if Caitlin was coming here it would be rude to say she couldn’t sit on the same bench and keep her company for a while. ‘Okay. Just let me know which weeks you’re coming so I can let Archie know in advance.’ This week he was too preoccupied with chatting to Joel to pay much attention to Caitlin’s presence.

  It wasn’t going to hurt to be reacquainted with her friend, although, deep down, she knew it would if Caitlin ever clued on to the secret she’d been keeping. There were good reasons for never having revealed who Archie’s father was, and a decade later, those reasons still stood.

  Chapter 14

  ‘Did you get any sleep?’ Dawn made the polite enquiry when dropping Harry off, one met by a miserable-looking Rebekah ready to cry. ‘Let me make you some tea.’ It was an offer Rebekah would normally make, but she looked too rough to be going through the formalities.

  ‘Not a wink,’ Rebekah said, glumly. ‘I’m so beyond tired. My brain wouldn’t shut off.’

  Harry was asleep in his car seat so Dawn popped him on the hallway floor and signalled for Archie to come inside. ‘We won’t be able to stay for long, but at least I can get you some caffeine. It sounds like you might need it.’

  Rebekah plonked herself on the sofa, not bothering to check on Harry before sitting down. ‘I think overdosing on caffeine probably hasn’t helped with my attempts to sleep this morning. Honestly, I never knew it was possible to be this exhausted.’

  Archie sat next to his auntie, copying the fact she was resting her head on the back of the sofa.

  The washing machine was whirring away so at least Rebekah had managed to make some use of the time. Dawn sorted out a cup of tea for Rebekah, but not for herself. She’d promised Archie they would go and count his pocket money to see if he could afford the frog picture he’d fallen in love with. Plus, they’d not eaten lunch yet and it didn’t look like David and Rebekah owned any in-date bread.

  ‘Is there anything else I can do for you before we head off?’ Dawn popped the mug of tea on the coffee table, not joining them on the sofa in the hope of making a quick exit.

  ‘Take Harry with you.’

  The statement was so callous it made Dawn want to cry. It didn’t matter how tired Rebekah was; fobbing off her responsibilities was not what motherhood was about. ‘Go and wait in the car, Archie, I’ll be out in two minutes.’ She reached in her pocket for the car key and pressed the button towards the window so the door would be open once Archie was out there.

  ‘I think I’ve done enough for you today.’ There was a feistiness springing up within Dawn, making her want to give Rebekah a metaphorical kick up the arse. ‘It’s not Harry’s fault you didn’t manage to sleep. And it’s not my place to rectify it by looking after him more. You are his mother, so please act like it.’ Her heart pounded heavily, like she’d been for a run.

  Rebekah sat forward, placing her head in her hands. ‘I was only joking. I’m just finding it really hard.’

  Dawn knew she should be sympathetic. She should wrap her arms around Rebekah and mollycoddle her and say it would all be okay. But right now she couldn’t find it within herself to empathise with Rebekah’s reckless words.

  ‘If you’re struggling, you need to get help. Be it from the midwife, the doctor, a nanny, whoever, but don’t ever joke like that again. I didn’t create human life for you to then go and mock it like it’s some kind of part-time job. You signed up for this. You get on with it.’

  Too mad to stay any longer, Dawn turned on her heel and headed for the door, only pausing to cast an eye on Harry to make sure he was okay.

  By the following day, Dawn wanted to think the dust had settled, but she’d heard nothing from David or Rebekah so perhaps not. It was an alien feeling being at odds with them. They were a support network for each other, which was why it was important to point out that Rebekah had crossed a line. There was a possibility she was being oversensitive, but when she’d given the couple a gift beyond measure, she didn’t think that sacrifice would be boiled down into a jo
ke. Because, truth be known, she knew Rebekah hadn’t said it in jest; she’d meant it. Considering the struggles they’d gone through to have a child, she would have thought Rebekah would have found the few hours without Harry unbearable. Instead she wanted the time to be longer.

  Not wanting to dwell on whether she’d done the right thing by telling Rebekah to pull her socks up, Dawn showered first thing and encouraged Archie to do the same before they headed off to Maureen’s café. They were heading there for brunch in the hope the crowds would be less in-between the busy periods of breakfast and lunch. Once they were done, they could go for a walk. It would make for a nice day out away from other people’s troubles.

  ‘I hope the picture is still there,’ Archie said, as she pulled up into a car park space.

  ‘Fingers crossed, love.’ Dawn hoped by some miracle it hadn’t sold. She’d meant to ring up and reserve it or call the artist to see if he could produce another for the same price, but life had got in the way and she’d never got round to it. In truth, she’d forgotten. So pressed by her own worries, she’d not found time to prioritise this one thing for her son. So it would be her own fault if, when they went in, the picture was gone and Archie went into meltdown mode.

  Dawn did her best to stay relaxed so Archie wouldn’t pick up on her concern. But as soon as the bell rang on the café door, letting them know they had a new customer, she was scanning the wall to try and locate the frog picture. It wasn’t there.

  ‘Let’s choose a table, Archie,’ Dawn said, by way of distraction. ‘How about the same place we had last time?’

  ‘Can we ask Maureen first? About the painting?’ The previous night, Archie had earnestly counted every penny in his money box. He didn’t often spend the pocket money of five pounds she gave him other than on bits for Norman. And the one time he planned to spend the savings on something he wanted, she’d gone and neglected to make sure it was possible.

  ‘We can ask, sweetheart, but I have a feeling that picture might have gone.’

  ‘We don’t know that yet,’ Archie said, sounding far more optimistic than Dawn did. She really didn’t want to watch his little heart break. It wasn’t often he wanted something, but when he did, he tended to be a tad obsessive. This could only go one way.

  Maureen was at the counter as always. She smiled at them as they headed over. ‘Good morning. How lovely to see my favourite customers.’

  Dawn attempted to return the facial expression, but no doubt it looked more like a grimace. ‘Good morning, Maureen. Archie was hoping to buy the frog picture you had here a couple of weeks ago. Is it still for sale?’ Brief glimpses hadn’t picked out any green animal portraits and it was more than likely gone.

  ‘It might be. Mr Walcott came and collected some of the portraits for an art fair he was doing last weekend. He added a few new ones as well if you’d like to have a look, but you’ll have to ring him to find out about the frog picture.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Dawn said, before guiding Archie to a table.

  ‘Can you call him now and ask?’ Archie said.

  Dawn’s gut instinct told her the picture would have sold. It was bright and vibrant and those same qualities her son was attracted to would have caught the eye of a buyer, especially at an art fair. Calling would confirm it, so it would be better to hold off that conversation until they were home, but Archie didn’t look like he was going to play at patience today. ‘Why don’t you have a look at the new paintings while I find out? Then we can order some food.’

  Archie was happy to go off and stare at the detailed animal oil paintings.

  On ringing the number from the battered business card that had remained in Dawn’s coat pocket since their last visit, there was no answer. She tried again, but hung up, realising she was probably interfering with a lie-in and hopefully they would ring back.

  ‘Come and look at this, Mum.’

  Glad that another of the portraits was firing up interest, Dawn went to go and see. As soon as she saw the painting, she knew exactly why her son was so taken by it.

  ‘It’s Elvis.’

  Not the singing icon, but her son’s idol, the alpha male of Owerdale Zoo’s meerkat family. ‘How can you tell?’ All meerkats looked the same to Dawn.

  ‘His markings and the shorter tail. It must be him. Can I get it?’

  Dawn wasn’t convinced it was Elvis, but if her son thought it was she would go along with it. ‘If you buy this, you won’t be able to get the frog as well. You don’t have enough money for both.’

  ‘I want this one.’

  ‘Okay, we’ll ask Maureen to reserve it and we can pay for it after we’ve eaten.’

  ‘Consider it reserved,’ Maureen said from the till. ‘Now, can I get you any drinks while you look at the menu?’

  It was a relief knowing Archie had found something he liked more than the painting that was no longer hanging in the café and no doubt sold. Although it might be worth checking if it was or not, as a potential birthday present.

  Both Dawn and Archie took a seat at their table and started perusing the food choices.

  When Dawn’s phone rang, her immediate hope was that it was David or Rebekah calling. She was worrying more and more about whether what she’d said had crossed the line, but there was another part of her that felt, as a third party in the creation of their son, she had a right to stand up for him. ‘Hello,’ she said, having not paid enough attention to who was calling other than who it wasn’t.

  ‘Hi there, it’s Walcott Wall Art. You rang a few minutes ago.’

  There was something about the voice that was familiar, but Dawn couldn’t put her finger on who or why.

  ‘Yes, sorry, it was about a painting you had for sale.’ With Archie right beside her, she didn’t want to give anything away if she was going to enquire about it for a birthday present. He was way too astute and would soon catch on. ‘I’ll call another time if that’s okay. It’s not a good moment.’

  ‘That’s fine. Give me a call when you do find a moment.’ Frustratingly, this second sentence confirmed it was a voice she recognised, but she had no idea where from. He hung up before she could get any kind of confirmation as to where she might know him from. It was like spotting someone in the supermarket that she knew, but because it was out of context she was unable to work out where she knew them from. It bugged her until their food arrived and she dismissed it, realising that, if she rang again, she could ask then.

  On Saturday, when they went on their usual trip to Owerdale Zoo, Archie insisted on taking his picture with him to prove to his mum that the painting was indeed of Elvis. So, wrapped up like a precious jewel, the portrait came on their outing with them.

  It was a relief to not have Harry with them today. It was nice to give Archie the one-to-one attention he deserved and not have the responsibility of someone else’s child hanging over her. Dawn hadn’t heard from David or Rebekah and it was beginning to frustrate her. She was going to have to contact her brother and let him know she wasn’t prepared to apologise to Rebekah. It needed to be the other way round.

  ‘Get the picture out, Mum. I want to show Joel.’

  Archie’s eagerness knocked Dawn out of her self-indulgent thoughts. ‘Wait until we see him. We’ve got half the park to walk across yet.’ They were only by the flamingos with a significant distance to cover before they arrived at the meerkat enclosure.

  ‘But I want to have it ready.’ Archie stomped his foot, annoyed for no real reason.

  ‘It’ll end up getting dropped and the frame will break. You can wait until we get there.’

  Archie crouched down, furling himself into a ball. It was something he used to do in an attempt to get his own way and the public humiliation of having her child being quite so dramatic would mean half the time she would give in to his demands.

  But today, Dawn kept walking. He was older now, his understanding was improving and she wasn’t going to risk him dropping the picture and shards of glass going all over the place. He could re
main in his position as long as he liked. They both needed to learn the boundaries of what was okay and what wasn’t. Sometimes she needed to be the parent.

  Reluctantly, Archie trudged after her. It was another one of those occasions where they were brushing close to meltdown status, but the delight of this respite period was continuing. He lagged close behind her and the enthusiasm of his pace didn’t return until they got closer.

  ‘I’m going to find Joel.’

  Joel had very quickly become her son’s idol, which was refreshing in the fact he was actually human. ‘Okay. I’ll be there shortly.’

  As Archie tapped on the keeper’s door and went inside, Dawn took the picture out of its hundreds of layers of bubble wrap. As she looked at the image again, she couldn’t help but feel it might be any meerkat in the world. To her eye it looked similar to every one she’d ever seen. But Archie was convinced it was Elvis and, for the sake of her son, she hoped Joel would play along.

  She stood with the picture for some time and for a while she played a game of spot Elvis. As the family darted in and about the enclosure, she tried to work out which one was the alpha male and if she could recognise him from his supposed portrait. With their sand-coloured fur and dark-circled eyes they moved so fast it was hard to count how many there were, let alone work out who was who. No wonder it took Archie so long every time they were here. After a good five minutes, she decided it was impossible to know which was Elvis, unless of course you were Archie or Joel, who both seemed to have disappeared. Concerned at the length of time her son had been alone with someone she didn’t know very well, her mother’s instincts kicked in and she went in search of them. Although, as the only other exit outside of the keeper’s room was into the enclosure, she was pretty sure they weren’t in any trouble.

  Knocking on the door and peering through the small window, Dawn saw the pair of them staring at the back wall, although she was unable to see what was so fascinating. When there was no response she banged harder.