All That Is Left of Us

by Catherine Miller

  ‘Hi, Joel.’

  Dawn’s cheeks flushed when he arrived for the roast dinner and presented her with flowers and a bottle of wine. Maybe she should have tried going out on a few more dates with him before inviting him over like this. It felt far too formal for words and with the watchful eyes of her family to pass judgement.

  Not that anyone was judging. It was just Archie’s hopeful expression as he spotted the flowers making her worry.

  That concern carried her all the way through their Sunday lunch. She’d meant this more as a thank you for everything Joel had done, but there was still the overbearing expectation they would become a couple. It was doomed to fail.

  Part way through the meal Harry started to gribble so Rebekah sorted him out with a feed and soon Archie was joining him in front of the TV for a meerkat episode.

  ‘I’ll make tea,’ Joel offered. He was even kind when it wasn’t his own home.

  ‘You’ve been keeping this quiet.’ David’s gaze followed Joel’s path to the kitchen.

  ‘What?’

  ‘You never mentioned you and Joel were a couple during our heart-to-heart.’

  ‘We’re not.’ Dawn was quick to correct. ‘He’s just being a good friend.’

  The friends till the end message she’d received with her first bunch of flowers rang in her head.

  ‘He’s a really nice guy. He obviously likes you. You should go for it.’

  Joel returned to the room with drinks, silencing any reply from Dawn.

  There was a stony silence after that. Dawn wasn’t able to summon up the words required to help glance at the future. No one could predict that and it was a good thing. Some days it was nice to live in the present. Sitting here with her nearest and dearest around her, life didn’t seem so bad. They were all happy in their own way, having established the kind of balance life needed. Joel and Archie had achieved their summer project. Archie would soon be back at school and the experience of meeting his father didn’t appear to have had any negative impact on him. Rebekah and David seemed to have reached a point of managing with Harry. Rebekah had found acceptance of Harry, or Harry of her. Either way, the bond had formed and she was no longer concerned about whether it was all going to be okay. It was only Dawn who was still left to find that level of contentment.

  Without the usual returning to work after the school holidays, she was feeling lost. Being on maternity leave was making her feel like a complete and utter fraud when she didn’t have a baby to care for. And the enthusiasm she’d had for her tattooist apprenticeship was waning and she wasn’t sure why. This had been her opportunity to go and further herself, so what was stopping her?

  It was a combination of fear and doubt over whether it was the right thing for her. She was far too old to be trying something new and trendy. Even if they did think she might have talent, she was pretty certain she was going to develop a needle phobia in the first week and end up being useless. Perhaps it was time to call the number on the card Joel had given her. Adult colouring books sounded like an interesting concept for her designs, but would something like that really take off?

  Dawn decided to do what she always did: concentrate on other people before worrying about herself. She would get Archie back to school, making sure the appearance and imminent death of his father didn’t affect him too greatly. She would make sure Rebekah and David got any help they needed. Then she would decide what she was doing with her life.

  ‘Mum,’ Archie said.

  It stopped her from creating the great big long list of things to do for other people in her head.

  ‘What’s the matter, Arch?’ She’d not even noticed him move from his position next to Harry.

  ‘Norman’s not in his cage.’

  ‘Pardon?’ She stood, hoping she’d misheard, but if she hadn’t, she didn’t plan on sitting still for very long.

  ‘I can’t see Norman. I put him back after I cleaned him out.’

  ‘Did you close the lid?’

  ‘I think so.’

  ‘Well, was it open when you went in?’

  ‘Yes.’

  This was not a time to panic, but this was one situation no parenting journal ever covered.

  ‘Let’s see. He can’t have gone far,’ Joel said.

  Suddenly, having him here felt like the best thing in the world.

  She didn’t want to be a cliché of a woman needing to be rescued from a spider, but this wasn’t the usual domestic house spider keeping warm over winter in a cosy corner of the flat. This was a tarantula who’d never previously escaped.

  ‘I think it might be a good time for us to go,’ Rebekah suggested and David was quick to agree. ‘And we should take Archie with us as well until you’ve found him. Tarantulas are dangerous, aren’t they?’

  Joel nodded. ‘It’s probably best if there aren’t too many pairs of feet around.’

  It was agreed Archie would go with them, and she wasn’t going to let Joel go until the spider had been located. In fact, she would be heading over to David and Rebekah’s to stay as well if the arachnoid wasn’t back where it belonged soon.

  ‘Any chance I can escape with you?’ Dawn asked as she saw them out the door at the bottom of the stairs. Archie was very careful to check they left without Norman disappearing through the door.

  When she returned, she was glad to see the door to her bedroom was closed, so hopefully Norman hadn’t ventured in there. She hated to think about the number of crevices and corners he might be dwelling in, and that was just in Archie’s room. There was every possibility he’d ventured further.

  It wasn’t going to be easy to find him, but at least she had Joel here, who’d have more of an idea how to locate Norman.

  ‘How long does it take for a spider to get hungry? Is there any chance we can tempt him out with food?’

  ‘I sense that’s not going to work. Why did you get Archie a spider if you’re so scared of them?’

  ‘Until now it’s never been a problem. He’s such a responsible boy and he so wanted one. I just went with it. We’ve had him nearly two years now and this is the first unsupervised escape. I hope Norman doesn’t get a taste for freedom. Where should we start looking?’

  They were in the front room and there was still the table to clear and washing-up to do, but they would have to wait until there was a STAND DOWN status on the spider situation.

  ‘Archie’s room first. Most likely he’s found himself a dark corner in there.’

  Dawn’s shoulders shuddered. She disliked the idea of having to delve into any corners where a tarantula might be hiding. Maybe she’d feel braver with some marigolds on, but then she’d just look daft. ‘Right. Okay. We can do this.’ It was a pep talk for her, not Joel, and he knew it as he grinned at her.

  ‘I can go and look by myself. It’s okay,’ Joel offered.

  Dawn wasn’t going to be talked out of sorting this out. It would be very last-century if she couldn’t prove she was a strong, independent woman with no need of a man. She was just very glad to have a man with spider expertise on hand. ‘No, I’ll come and help. If there’s two of us, hopefully we’ll find him quicker.’

  ‘I reckon we should try under his bed first.’

  ‘Good plan.’

  Fortunately, it wasn’t a bed with lots of balled-up socks and pants and dust balls underneath. Archie liked to keep his bedroom as tidy as Norman’s cage, which was why it was a surprise he’d managed to let him out.

  Joel lay on his belly to reach under the bed. Thankfully he was one of those men who came with all the utilities needed for life on a keyring, so he had a mini torch to search the corners absent of daylight.

  Dawn made a start on the bookshelf. They weren’t all flush against the back of the bookcase so it would be the perfect kind of place for a spider to scuttle behind and hide. She started taking the books out individually. She’d tackle it a shelf at a time and hoped, while she took her time doing it, that Joel would find Norman and the search would be over.
/>   As she emptied the books, she realised this shelf was all the journals Archie had been keeping on the meerkats. There was so much information here that if the zoo ever designed a museum section she’d have to donate them. She flicked through a couple and saw how detailed all the notes were. Even though she knew he did this ritualistically, Archie didn’t often show her his notes.

  ‘Any luck?’ Joel got up from his position on the floor.

  ‘Not yet.’ Dawn stopped browsing. There was still a spider on the loose.

  ‘I’m going to check Archie’s bedding. I need to check Norman hasn’t crawled inside the duvet cover.’

  ‘Ewwww.’ Dawn shuddered again. Waking up to find a spider in the bed was one of her ultimate nightmares. Archie probably wouldn’t mind, but it might be different if the spider wandered across his face and woke him.

  Returning to the books, she found the last on the shelf was labelled: My Alphas. The rest were in the sequence of his note-taking, so this was different to his normal scribblings at the zoo.

  Joel had pulled the single duvet out from its covers and was now turning it inside out to make sure there was nothing lurking within.

  Fanning the pages of this journal, Dawn saw there were far fewer entries than the other books. It must be Archie’s attempts at working out who was going to be the new alpha male in the gang, she decided, but then she spotted Joel’s name, so she paused and paid a bit more attention.

  There were lines of writing with Joel’s name and Mummy next to them. Reading through, it was clear they were things both Joel and she had said to each other. Every flicker of hope her son had that she and Joel would become a couple was in this book.

  Joel, who was currently in a tangle trying to put her son’s duvet straight again, noticed she was looking aghast. ‘What’s up?’

  She didn’t know how to reply.

  Glancing at Joel and then at Norman’s tank, she spotted something very familiar: Norman’s movements, so slow and measured.

  Dawn laughed and pointed. ‘How did we not notice?’ He must have been in his tank all the time and they’d been in the room for at least half an hour by now.

  ‘Talk about not seeing what’s right under our noses. I don’t understand, though. Archie would have seen him in there. Why did he say he was missing?’ Having finally wrangled the duvet back, Joel returned it to the bed.

  Dawn waved the journal in her hand. ‘This might have something to do with it. He’s so desperate for us to be together. I think he’s probably planned this and I wouldn’t be surprised if Rebekah and David agreed to help out.’

  ‘Planned what?’

  ‘Us being alone together. We haven’t managed to get together ourselves, so he’s trying to engineer it.’

  ‘And do you want to be? You know, together?’

  Dawn surveyed the mess they’d made in the hope of finding Norman, who’d been in his tank all along, wondering what the hell they were up to. She found her throat tightening, the swell of responsibility that came with wanting to keep her son happy proving too much. ‘It’s not that I don’t, it’s just, it feels like such an incredible responsibility. The thought of even trying to make a go of it and it not working out feels like far too much heartbreak and I’m not even talking about us.’

  ‘I can understand that. I wouldn’t ever want to taint the great relationship you two have.’

  ‘He loves you, do you know that? I think he would worship the ground you walk on. It makes it so entirely impossible for me to love you. Even liking you feels dangerous.’

  ‘But you do like me?’

  Dawn tightened her hold on the journal, circling it with her two palms. ‘Yes, and that’s why I’m worried. What happens when I like you a bit more? We can date and we can enjoy each other’s company, but the day will come where we’ll have an argument or we won’t agree on something and who knows if it’ll last weeks or months or years? I just don’t want to do anything that will hurt Archie, and he’s the one who’s invested in this more than either of us.’

  ‘But you do like me?’ Joel moved closer and Dawn’s hands curled the book tighter on itself.

  ‘I already said I did. Keep up.’

  ‘So you won’t mind, just when no one who we could potentially hurt is around, if I, you know…’ Joel didn’t finish the sentence before kissing Dawn on the lips.

  It was gentle and tender; the kind of kiss she’d been waiting an entire lifetime for. It was so much more than she’d ever hoped for and without doubt she had to put a stop to it before her desires took over.

  ‘I can’t do this.’ Dawn stopped the kiss before it had really started. ‘You have to look at this.’ She unfurled the notepad she’d been strangling. ‘Archie’s been noting down our every interaction. Everything we’ve said to each other. I’m pretty sure every sentence we’ve ever uttered to each other is in here. How can a relationship start, let alone survive, with that kind of responsibility?’

  ‘I don’t think Archie’s set up video cameras to keep an eye on us now, though. Is there any chance we can give ourselves a chance while protecting him at the same time?’

  ‘But how?’

  ‘Can’t we meet up without him knowing? If you can get babysitters to come over once he’s in bed and we could head out? Or I can come here once he’s asleep? And once he’s back at school, we might be able to meet up on my days off as they’re during the week.’

  ‘I don’t know. It seems devious.’

  ‘But is it? If we’re saving him from that worry? If, by dating in secret, we allow ourselves the opportunity to see if it might work? At least this way, if we find out we can’t love each other in the way Archie wants us to, we won’t hurt him in the process.’

  Dawn really did have to hope Archie hadn’t found some way to record their conversation. With the knowledge he’d gained from meerkat cam, it wouldn’t surprise her to find they had it all set up and were watching the ensuing fun of the not-lost spider on the big screen at David’s house. ‘It sounds far too sensible for words. Do you think it would work? Archie’s bound to catch us out.’

  ‘Not if we’re careful and, if it doesn’t work out, Archie doesn’t ever need to know.’

  ‘But he’s writing down everything we say to each other. He’s probably noting everything, including our body language. Do you think we would manage it without him knowing?’ Dawn liked to believe it was an answer to their problem, but conducting a relationship in secret was a bad idea. ‘If Archie doesn’t notice, someone else might. It would only take one word from them for the game to be over.’

  ‘Well, what about dating for a limited time then? We date for, I don’t know, somewhere between six weeks and six months and we decide by the end of that. We can put a deadline on our dating life and if, by the end of that, we think it’ll work, we’ll let Archie know. If it doesn’t, we remain good friends and Archie never has to feel that heartbreak you don’t want him to know.’

  Dawn stopped mangling the book and placed it back on the shelf. It sounded like a perfectly feasible idea. One that would protect her son and allow them to explore an avenue they might otherwise pass by. And it wasn’t so different from what she’d done on the few occasions she had been dating, but hadn’t wanted to introduce them to Archie until she was sure. So why was she still so nervous in the face of a fool proof plan?

  ‘Six weeks,’ Dawn said quickly before she chickened out of the idea. ‘We’ll give it six weeks to see how we feel. I don’t want to risk it going on for longer. Archie will work out something odd is going on.’

  ‘And will six weeks be long enough to work out if we can make a go of it?’

  ‘It’ll have to be.’

  ‘Right. Good. Well, we best get a move on then.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ It was a stupid question to ask because he was already halfway to meeting her lips.

  She lingered for a long time, the sensation of his tongue exploring her mouth almost too much to bear. ‘Hang on, shouldn’t we be going on a date
or something before putting things into forth gear?’ Dawn wasn’t sure she was ready for this. It wasn’t out of the blue, but it was a bit sudden.

  ‘We can go at whatever pace you want to as long as it fits into our six-week schedule. Besides, I just had a roast with your family. I think that means we skipped a few gears.’

  Dawn thought about all the time they’d spent together in recent weeks; they might not have been dating, but it was as good as. No wonder Archie had found hope in those moments. And with the self-imposed, six-week deadline to decide whether this was going to work out, perhaps it wouldn’t hurt to go straight to fourth gear. Maybe she should even consider fifth.

  Taking Joel’s hand, she decided to leave the mess until later. In fact, it wouldn’t hurt to leave it for Archie to clear up following his little stunt.

  ‘Where are we going?’ Joel asked.

  ‘Well, if we’re going to be having secret rendezvous, it’ll probably help if you know which door leads to my bedroom. I wouldn’t want you ending up in the airing cupboard by mistake.’

  Yes, as they did only have six weeks, it was best to put her foot on the accelerator.

  Chapter 29

  Six weeks later…

  It was the day of the memorial service. Between them, Rebekah and David had organised an event in conjunction with the local branch of the stillbirth and miscarriage charity. It was being held at St James’s Church just along from Owerdale Primary and was open to anyone whose life had been touched by the loss of a pregnancy.

  Dawn had considered not taking Archie, wondering if such an event was appropriate for a boy his age. But over the past few months he had experienced the loss of his beloved Elvis and the death of his father. Shaun had passed after only two meetings and she’d opted not to take Archie to the funeral. It was a lot for him to process and the emotions of Shaun’s family were too fresh for them to intrude upon. So even though today had been organised by Rebekah to remember Harry’s siblings, it was also a way to mourn their recent losses, including her own.