All That Is Left of Us

by Catherine Miller

  It was hard to admit, but she counted herself among the mourners. She’d not lost a child, she’d gained a nephew, and yet at times the void had been so palpable it hurt.

  When they reached the church, Joel took charge of entertaining Archie. It gave Dawn the chance to admire how beautifully the space had been decorated. Some volunteers had done the place out with flowers, ribbons and candles and somehow it was cheerful, not maudlin.

  ‘Do you need me to do anything?’ Dawn asked Rebekah when she found her at the front of the church.

  ‘Would you mind handing out the candles to anyone who wants one later in the service?’

  There were boxes upon boxes of them waiting by the stage.

  When the time came, the deacon delivered a beautiful sermon on how today was a celebration of life, however short.

  The candles she was charged with handing out were housed in beautifully decorated glass jars, each inscribed with the words: Too Beautiful for Earth. As she passed them out it struck her just how many people were affected by the loss of a child; that this journey, however unique to Rebekah and David, was in fact being travelled by many others. It was humbling to be part of this and to know how fortunate she’d been to be able to help them with their fertility troubles.

  When the service ended, Dawn waited by the exit with what remained of the candles in case anyone wanted to take extra away with them. They were meant to be keepsakes for anyone wanting to cherish them, and she knew that, as in David and Rebekah’s case, there was a chance some would need more than one.

  Once everyone other than the deacon was gone, it was just her little family that remained: David, Rebekah and Harry with Archie and Joel. And she definitely considered Joel family even if they were still keeping their relationship to themselves for now.

  ‘Are we ready?’ the deacon said from the front of the church.

  ‘Yes,’ Rebekah said.

  Dawn didn’t know quite what they needed to be ready for. They certainly weren’t ready enough to leave with boxes still to pack up.

  ‘Right, can I have everyone up here in that case?’ the deacon said.

  Rebekah beamed at David as she took Harry from his arms, their baby as content as anything these days.

  ‘And who are the godparents?’ the deacon asked Rebekah.

  They stopped at the font and it took a second for Dawn to clue on to what was happening.

  ‘Dawn and Archie, if they are happy to be?’

  The question took Dawn by surprise. They’d been here to mark the memory of David and Rebekah’s angel babies. It was moving on from the past, so it made sense it was also walking towards the future.

  ‘I will,’ Archie said. ‘I will be the best lookout ever.’

  The lookout. The protector. The guardian. Archie was going to be the best godparent.

  ‘We’d be delighted to.’ Of course she would and, with one promise, whatever void there might have been disappeared.

  It was only on returning home that Dawn remembered today was the end of their six-week honeymoon period of secret liaisons. Tonight Joel was going to come over so they could decide if this was working well enough for them to tell Archie they were boyfriend and girlfriend.

  Admittedly, it was going very well at the moment, but Dawn still had her reservations. It was such a transient time for Archie, and this would only add to that.

  The simple act of saying goodbye to Joel after the service had told Dawn it would be hard to shake the feelings she had for him. She wasn’t sure what the right thing to do was. It was because of this six-week deadline. At the time it had seemed like a good idea, but now it was causing too much pressure. How could she be sure? How could anyone be sure? But equally he’d brought so much to their lives, even her hope of starting to make money from her artwork. The contact he’d put her in touch with was offering a large commission for the adult colouring book idea and it was looking like she might never have to pick up a needle in order to follow her dream.

  ‘I’ve got a letter,’ Archie said as they got through the door.

  ‘Have you? Let me see.’

  It was rare for Archie to have post. He showed her the envelope marked clearly with his name.

  ‘Open it then.’

  It looked like it was some company trying to sell him a magazine subscription. They shouldn’t be allowed to send mail-outs like that to kids when it was the parents who would have to fork out the money.

  ‘I don’t understand, Mum. It says I’ve won a competition.’

  ‘What? Read it out.’

  Archie unfolded the piece of A4 paper to its full length.

  ‘Dear Archie Manton,

  Thank you so much for your entry into the Animal I Love competition. We are pleased to tell you your entry was selected as the first prize winner. Congratulations! Your prize includes the following:

  A holiday for a family of four to South Africa

  Transport to and from your hotel location

  A safari to see meerkats in the wild

  The holiday comes inclusive of food and a tour guide for two further expeditions.

  Please email the below address so we can sort out suitable dates for your prizewinning holiday.’

  Dawn was peering over his shoulder, not quite believing what she was hearing. ‘This must be a wind-up. I’ve heard about scams like this.’

  ‘This is what Joel entered me into. We’ve won, Mum! Can I ring him?’

  ‘Really?’ Dawn recalled Joel mentioning the competition. She even remembered filling out some of the form with Archie’s details, but she thought it was for a hamper of stuffed toys or something. ‘Call him now. Invite him over.’

  By the time Joel arrived, Dawn had managed to read the letter herself and check it for authenticity. The letterhead was genuine and it included some fine print Archie hadn’t read out. It was a bit late in the day to send out emails, but maybe Joel could throw some light on it. That was if they could ever get Archie to stop bouncing from all the excitement.

  ‘We won. We won. We won,’ Archie said repeatedly to Joel when he made it into the flat. Her son in his enthusiasm had neglected to notice Joel had used his own key. That was one sure way to blow their cover. But she was too sick with disbelief to make an issue of it.

  ‘Is this real?’ Dawn thrust the letter in Joel’s direction.

  ‘Fantastic news! You really did win.’ Joel ruffled Archie’s hair and his bouncing momentarily stopped. ‘Yes, it’s real.’

  ‘But the prize… it’s massive. I had no idea that’s what it was for.’

  ‘You could pick the prize related to the animal. I figured there was nothing Archie would want more than to see meerkats in their natural habitat. Is it okay? I know it’s for a family of four, but it’ll be fine if just the two of you go.’

  ‘What?’ Dawn was struggling to believe it was real and that a dream holiday had landed on her doorstep thanks to her amazing boy’s biggest obsession. ‘You don’t think we’re going to South Africa without you, do you? You’re the reason this is happening.’ You’re our alpha male, she thought, but wasn’t brave enough to voice it out loud. But seeing the smile cross his face, Dawn knew Joel was thinking something similar.

  ‘Joel’s coming with us. We won. Joel’s coming with us.’ The excitement from Archie was almost too hyper to contain. And she wasn’t surprised. What a dream it was.

  ‘I’d love to come. If you’d be happy to have me?’ It was a statement loaded with a lot more than just the simple fact of going on holiday together.

  ‘I couldn’t think of anyone we’d want there more. Now, shall we order some Chinese in? I think today is a day to celebrate.’

  ‘Yes. It. Is,’ Archie said, as he did fist-pump lunges across the room.

  ‘It certainly is.’ Joel planted a soft kiss on her forehead. ‘Shall we make it a sixty-year plan?’

  At that moment anything was possible and she had to believe this amazing man would continue to only ever bring happiness to this family. Not taki
ng a risk on it being the right thing for Archie and her would be a crime against her future happiness. Sometimes you had to take a chance like Joel had with the competition. Because it was impossible to know where it might take you unless you tried. ‘Definitely,’ she said, ‘but is there any chance we can tell him he was right tomorrow? I don’t think the downstairs neighbours will cope if he stomps on their ceiling any more today.’

  So, after filling their bellies with Chinese food and staying up way past their bedtime with discussions about what their holiday adventure would be like, Joel didn’t go home. The alpha male and female went to bed side by side, knowing their little lookout had known they were meant to be together way before they had. Tomorrow, over breakfast, they would let him know that, as Archie had always hoped, they were a couple. And for the first time in a long time Dawn knew she was doing something for herself. And, boy, did it feel good.

  If you loved All That is Left of Us

  Then turn the page for an extract from Catherine Miller’s debut novel

  WAITING FOR YOU

  Chapter One

  This time, Fliss used a vase. It was possible this would be the lucky vessel. Over the years it had held many sentiments: flowers of celebration, bouquets of apology and now it contained a rich, yellow brew that represented her future hopes. Fliss dipped the stick in and started the count to ten. One Elephant. Two Elephant.

  ‘Muuuummmmmm – I’m hungry,’ Hollie said, from the other side of the door.

  ‘Go play with your toys and I’ll make breakfast in a minute,’ Fliss said. Three Ellie. Four Ellie. She sped the next two up hoping the interruption wouldn’t interfere with her accuracy. Five Elephant. Six Elephant.

  ‘But Mummmmmmmmmm.’

  Seven Elephant.

  ‘Hollie, I’m on the toilet. Now go and do as I’ve told you before Mummy gets annoyed.’ Eight Ellie. Her daughter hadn’t moved and was scraping about on the landing. ‘One...’ She started the countdown to the naughty step and wondered why Hollie would choose now to be disobedient. Nine Ellie. Was it nine? She’d forgotten where she was at. ‘TWO...’ The force in her voice was more effective this time and soft footsteps traipsed along the landing. Ten Elephant. It must be ten, right?

  She pulled the stick out of the vase, popped the cap on, placed it on the side and wondered what to do for the next two minutes. She could go downstairs and make a start on Hollie’s breakfast, but then her daughter could do with learning a little patience. Besides, if she did that, there was no way she’d be back in time for an accurate result. All the packages said you had to disregard the test after ten minutes.

  She looked at her watch. Time was standing still and Hollie was up to her familiar trick of doing as she was told for all of ten seconds. ‘I know you’re not in your bedroom, Hollie.’

  Fliss fiddled with the door handle with the desired effect: her six-year-old daughter now running to her bedroom.

  One minute and counting. Fliss should have waited for her husband, Ben, to be with her, but if she did that, well, she spent far too much of her life hanging round for him. Far better to quash her suspicions now before becoming convinced, only for her irregular period to arrive and crush her hopes. And it was only her that seemed to be crushed each time it happened. Ben often commented on how she should concentrate on the daughter they did have, not become obsessed by something that may never happen. That was the problem she’d found with Ben; he always wanted to get his point across but rarely listened to what she had to say. As her own unquenched desire wasn’t a strong enough argument, she started to point out Hollie’s recent behaviour in a bid to prove she needed a sibling. It would stop the only-child syndrome from developing. He batted her off with, ‘We’re still trying. If it happens, it happens.’

  Fliss wished she could be so complacent about it. Like the two minutes she was waiting now; she could really do with having Ben’s cool attitude. Why did her entire life seem to pass by in a hurry right until she needed something to speed up? She glared at her watch as the final fifteen seconds strummed round in a slow and irritating fashion. As the last seconds closed in, Fliss looked for something lucky to hold on to. Hollie’s toothbrush with its princess handle glimmered at her and she grabbed it with her left hand. The ritual was getting stupid, she realised. She picked the stick up with her right hand and levelled it in front of her closed eyes. Could it be that perhaps this time it was going to be different? She visualised the two blue lines in her head. Positive thinking, that’s what would get her through. Believing, at some point, this would truly happen. She saw the positive result and imagined the way it would feel. She remembered the way it had felt when she’d found out about Hollie. Not-long-married, in their expensive, not-family-orientated flat, Ben and Fliss, being on the wrong side of thirty, had been eager to start a family. They’d never for a minute thought it would happen straightaway. When her period didn’t come they rushed to the chemist late at night; she peed into a small decorative bowl, held on to a plastic duck while they waited for the result and then there they were: those two solid blue lines. She’d wept tears of joy at the news then jumped (somewhat cautiously) around the flat blurting out ‘I’m going to be a mum!’, ‘You’re going to be a dad!’, and ‘We’re going to be parents!’ until she’d made herself dizzy and had to sit down, and still the news hadn’t sunk in.

  That was how it was going to be this time. She’d call Ben straightaway; they’d both be bowled over by the news. He’d rush from London so they could celebrate and he’d take the rest of the week off so he could spend it with his family.

  Quickly (because she’d learnt it was better that way), Fliss opened her eyes to see the results. Even though she knew that one line meant no and two lines meant yes, she still felt the need to double-check the instructions. One line. Negative.

  She flung the test into the sink. ‘I knew I wasn’t.’ She said it accusingly to the stick responsible for delivering the blow. ‘Stupid me for even checking.’

  ‘Muuummmm, why are you stupid?’

  Trust Hollie not to miss a trick. ‘Go downstairs, baby, and I’ll be there in a second. I’ll make you blueberry pancakes if you’re good.’

  ‘Ace!’

  Hollie clattered down the stairs giving Fliss a moment of peace. She spent it clearing away the evidence. Vase emptied, cleaned thoroughly (in the hope she hadn’t ruined any future bouquet’s prospects), she threw the negative test into the bin in her bedroom and checked her expression to make sure the news hadn’t had an effect on her features. She pulled at the skin around her eyes in the hope of stretching some of the wrinkles out. Time was beginning to be cruel to her crow’s feet.

  Bravado, that’s what she needed. She pasted a cheery smile on her face and told herself it didn’t matter. Next time it would be different. Surely she could get Ben to be true to his word and take some annual leave for her fertile week.

  Downstairs, Hollie waited with her usual neediness. ‘Get a bowl out of the cupboard then, Hols.’

  ‘You said pancakes.’

  Yes, if you were good, Fliss thought, but bit her tongue before starting a showdown. ‘Silly me, how could I forget. Get some cutlery for the table then, sweetheart.’ Her tone attempting to coax her daughter into doing as she was told.

  The corners of Hollie’s mouth dipped and Fliss prepared to do battle armed with a bowl and whisk. It seemed impossible that her daughter was able to manipulate her in almost every way. She knew exactly how to press Fliss’s buttons and it was hard to admit that most of the time she gave in, just for an easy life. Ben didn’t help matters. He spoilt her on the weekends when they would all go and do whatever it was that Hollie wanted.

  She took her frustrations out on the batter mix instead. It wasn’t fair to make Hollie responsible for the way the test had gone. The mood settling over them this morning was her fault, not her daughter’s.

  By the time she’d poured a spoonful of mix into the frying pan, Hollie was busy laying cutlery on the table, taking her time
over remembering what side the knife was supposed to go.

  ‘Delicious,’ Hollie declared when she took her first bite, giving Fliss a blueberry-stained grin.

  Fliss’s mood softened at the sight and she tried not to worry about Hollie’s school uniform getting soiled. Ben was right: this was one of the moments she needed to appreciate being with the daughter she had.

  ***

  An hour later and with Hollie packed off to school, Fliss should have been getting on with some work. With no current interior design projects, there was a 1950s cabinet waiting in her studio for its final sanding down before some upcycling touches, but instead she was in front of the computer seeking solace. Mummyto3boys would be online so she logged on to the Baby Making Forum.

  ‘Another BFN,’ she wrote on the Trying To Conceive board and surprised herself when she laughed at the abbreviation. When she’d first joined up she thought all the shortenings were for scientific names. It was only after spending a while lurking around the boards that she’d discovered they were anything but. BFN = BIG FAT Negative and every time she wrote it, despite what it represented, it still made her giggle.

  BirminghamMomma: Aw, hun. Big hugs. I had my AF arrive 2 days ago so know how you’re feeling. Best of luck this cycle.

  Fliss smiled again at the speedy response. It had taken her weeks to try and work out what AF meant. She’d gathered it was to do with having a period but what scientific term was AF? It turned out it was Aunt Flo, of course.

  Mummyto3boys: That sucks. Felt sure this was the month. I have news for you. Hold on and I’ll PM you.

  At some point along the TTC road, Mummyto3boys had become her best virtual friend. Her real name was Ange and she lived up in Manchester, which seemed a million miles away from Kent, which was perhaps why Fliss felt so able to pour her heart out in the knowledge her secrets were safe from all her family and friends. Ange had three boys and was desperate for a girl and was trying every absurd technique under the sun in order to tempt her husband’s X-sperms into fertilising her egg. So far they’d had no luck with any eggs and they were beginning to despair. News could refer to what they’d been hoping for – the BIG FAT Positive. It was worth waiting the extra few minutes to find out. The restoration she was doing was only destined for eBay and she wasn’t booked in with another client for a couple of weeks.