Just an Illusion - EP

by D. Kelly

  “What’s your dream now?” I asked him. “I mean, you’ve accomplished more in twenty-eight years than most people do in a lifetime.”

  “I want a life. A domesticated one. My sister Diane and her husband Rob are happily married. My nieces are the light of their lives. I want that. I want a legacy, kids to love and carry on my life cycle. I want to grow old with someone and take care of them during all the shit life throws our way, knowing she’ll take care of me, too. I know it sounds morbid, but it’s easy to love someone through the good times, but the ultimate test of love is making it through the bad and coming out on the other side stronger than ever.”

  “It’s not morbid. That’s as real as it gets. Too many people give up, they don’t fight, and they let go of the best part of their lives so easily. In the heat of the moment, everything seems so black and white, but life isn’t black and white at all. It’s in those shades of gray where we all get lost, question our morality, make the bad choices that affect the rest of our lives. Those make-or-break decisions are the crux of our being, and having the right person by your side is everything.”

  He kissed me with such passion after that. My heart was beating so fast I thought it was going to explode. Now, I feel like my whole life is just one huge blob of gray. I’m haunted by the past, by our memories, but were they all just an illusion to begin with? Noah believed in fate, but how could anyone be so evil to give us everything and then tear it away so quickly? What plans could fate possibly have for me that would make that okay?

  Another memory slams into me so hard I lose my breath. One night on the bus we were all drinking and playing a game. It was only a few weeks into the tour. I don’t think Wyatt could have ever known how prophetic his question would be.

  We slammed down what had to be our fifth shot and I knew if I had more I’d pass out or throw up. Maybe both.

  “Alright, my turn to ask a question!” Wyatt yelled out.

  “Shh. Dude, not so loud, that was my ear you just yelled into,” Sawyer replied, rubbing his ear.

  “Yeah, yeah, suck it up, buttercup. If you had the choice of having every happiness handed to you for a limited time, or never knowing happiness at all, which would you choose?”

  Sawyer whacked Wyatt on the back of the head. “What a stupid fucking question. Why would I want something only to have it taken away? I’d rather never have it at all.”

  “I’m with Sawyer,” I told them with a slight slur to my words. “Don’t give me something and take it away. It’s only going to piss me the fuck off.”

  “Depends on what it is,” Darren said. “I mean, if it’s some really good pussy, I’m cool with having that for a limited time. But if it’s, like, really good pussy, who is also a cool-ass chick and someone I could spend my life with and not get sick of … yeah, fuck that. Don’t give me that and then take it away.”

  “You guys are dumb. I’d be sad as fuck if someone took Anna from me, but I wouldn’t give up our time together for anything. She’s my every happiness.”

  “Aww, Wyatt, you’re so fucking sweet. I want that someday. Some guy who talks about me to his friends the way you do about Anna even when she’s not here.” As I leaned my head against Darren’s shoulder Noah looked over at me and grinned. “You didn’t answer.” I said, pointing at him.

  “You should know my answer. Fate gives and she takes away, but I’m going along for the ride as long as it lasts. If I were lucky enough for someone to give me every happiness, I’d enjoy it while it lasted, cherish every second, and worship her every day. Some people don’t ever get that.”

  “Sometimes, I wonder how the two of you came from the same womb. You’re night and day,” Darren said, laughing.

  “We’re alike in all the ways that matter,” Noah replied, and Sawyer agreed with a slight nod.

  “Damn, Noah, did we jinx ourselves with that conversation? I miss you so much. It’s only been six weeks and the pain gets worse with each passing day. I can’t handle much more of it. I want to be with you and Belle. But whenever I consider it, leaving and joining you two, something stops me. Or should I say someone?

  “Your legacy, Noah. I wish you were here to see him. He’s the absolute best of you, and even though I’m afraid to fuck him up, he’s still mine. He’s my link to you and … I don’t think he’d ever forgive me if I left him. I don’t think I’d ever forgive myself, either, no matter how much I want to be with you.”

  My tears are flowing freely as I pull my phone from my pocket and set the alarm for four in the morning. It’s already after eleven. I didn’t realize I’d been here thinking for so long. It’s nice being somewhere peaceful where no one is constantly hovering over me. Ignoring all the missed calls and messages, I tuck myself into the sleeping bag and lie down.

  “This isn’t the kind of sleepover I ever expected to have with the two of you, but I guess I’ll take what I can get right now. Maybe I’ve officially lost my mind because sleeping in a cemetery alone, with my best friend and husband buried beneath me, is probably proof I’ve lost all my marbles. How would you handle this, Noah?”

  Noah would do exactly what Darren is doing, what any other normal human being would do—he’d be cherishing his time with Nate. As I curl up into a ball, the torrents of tears and sobs come harder and faster. Breathing hurts, everything hurts, but it feels good to get it out. Letting the grief rip out of me and soak into the soil beneath me feels almost like Noah is helping me through.

  I’ve been out here a long time. I should probably feel guilty for worrying them, but I haven’t had this much uninterrupted time to myself since the accident. It’s cathartic, but I feel like this is going to be my life from now on. Shrouded in an endless pit of grief. Is that a life worth living? I’m not so sure it is.

  “Fucking hell, Princess!” Sawyer’s voice travels through the night, but I’m convinced I’m imagining it until he lifts me into his arms. I thought I was dreaming him and I wonder how long he was yelling before I woke up. “Are you okay, Mel?” he asks, his tone much softer now as he clutches me to his chest, sleeping bag and all.

  “I’m lost, Sawyer. I’m just so fucking lost.” My words are muffled between sobs.

  “Me, too, Mel, I got you, okay?” Sawyer takes me to his SUV and sets me inside, pulling off the sleeping bag so he can strap me in. The clock on the dash says it’s two in the morning.

  Once Sawyer pulls away from the cemetery, he turns his attention to the road. “You can’t disappear like that, Mel. Do you have any idea how scared I was?”

  “I’m sorry. I just had to escape … Rory and just everything … I needed to breathe, Sawyer. Noah’s video taunts me from where it sits unopened on the dresser, Nate weighs so heavily on my conscience. I don’t know how to live anymore, Sawyer, but I don’t know how to die, either!”

  Sawyer whips the truck to the side of the road, slams on the brakes, and turns to face me. “You don’t get to die, Princess. Not now, not on my watch. We will figure out a new way to live and it starts tomorrow for both of us. If you don’t want therapy yet, I can respect that, but I’m done giving you the easy way out. Tomorrow, you are going to start being the mother you’re supposed to be. You’ll do it for you, for Nate, for Noah, and for me because I can’t do it all by myself anymore, Mel. I can’t be alone.”

  Sawyer drops his head to the wheel of the car and his chest heaves as he sobs. Reaching over, I pull his hand away from the wheel with mine. When he turns to me, I unbuckle my seatbelt and throw my arms around him. We stay like this, hugging, for a long time. Long after both of us have stopped crying. Eventually, he releases me and I put my seatbelt back on. Once we’re both strapped back in, he pulls out onto the road heading home.

  “How did you find me?”

  “Tracked Noah’s car. I knew where you were for hours, but I thought you needed time. Once it hit midnight, though, I started to worry something had happened to you.”

  “Something did. I think I officially lost
my mind tonight.”

  Sawyer looks at me and shakes his head. “Maybe you’re finally getting it back. The last few months have been hell, Mel. We’re all bound to break at some point, but it’s what we do after the break that defines us.”

  “I’m going to need you, Sawyer.”

  “I’m not going anywhere, Princess.”

  We spend the rest of the ride lost in our thoughts, but every so often I catch him looking at me with a worried expression on his face. It reminds me of the time Noah disappeared to see Sara’s parents; and it makes me feel like shit. The last thing I want to do is worry Sawyer.

  When we walk inside, Darren is pacing. He turns and pulls me into a huge hug. “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, I guess I am.”

  “You should have hit her back,” Darren says angrily.

  “She didn’t deserve to be hit, she was doing what she thought was right. We’re all just doing what we can. I get it.”

  Sawyer crosses his arms. “I told Rory to stay away for a while, Mel. No matter what she was trying to accomplish, she didn’t have the right to hit you. Not now, not ever.”

  “I’m going to lie down. Goodnight, guys.”

  As I walk down the hall, I pass my room and stand in the doorway of the nursery. The nightlights are on and I can see Nate sleeping soundly in his bed.

  “Get some sleep, Mel. Tomorrow, we’re going to tackle motherhood,” Sawyer says, squeezing my hand before going to his room.

  After I’m showered and in my pajamas, I stare at the photo of Noah and me on the bedside table. The one Belle took when we announced our relationship at the meet and greet. Neither of us had a care in the world. We lived each day of our relationship like the happy couple we were. I couldn’t imagine it any other way. From the second Noah and I met we were instant friends. Anyone with half a brain cell would want to fall in love with their best friend the way I did. But now I’m alone and I’m supposed to find a way to move on. Fuck that.

  Turning on my phone, I scroll through the messages. A few from Karen and Darren, more than a few from Eli, and all the rest are from Sawyer. The last one he sent before he picked me up was a video link to “Hemorrhage” by Fuel—his way of letting me know he understood where I was and what I was going through. But it was also his way of letting me know I’m not alone.

  Two months ago, I thought Noah and I were in this lifetime together. Now, the only thing I know for sure is Sawyer is walking this hell with me to the bitter end. I’d give anything for things to go back to the way they were, but if I can’t have that I’ll happily take Sawyer’s friendship. It’s the only thing I have to hold on to right now.

  As if he’s reading my mind, my phone buzzes with an incoming message. It’s the link to “The Great Escape” by Pink. I don’t think there’s anything else he could have sent to make me understand exactly how he’s feeling right now. If there’s one thing I do know, it’s how grateful I am for Sawyer Weston.

  Amelia – Present Day

  When I look up from my computer to stretch a bit, Anna, Rory, and Karen are all engrossed in their Kindles. It’s bittersweet having them here, reading these pages. I’m not even sure why I’m letting them, but I know Noah would be proud of me. Writing all of this down has been one of the hardest things I’ve had to do yet. I’ve cried more tears the past few days than I have in the last few months. I’ll never get over losing Noah, never get past this lingering sadness that fills my heart when I think of him, and neither will Sawyer. Losing Noah pushed us together in ways I would’ve never thought possible, but as I typed out the words of my story, I was also able to finally admit to myself how much underlying chemistry there has been between us all along.

  My computer dings with an incoming message and I instinctively know it’s from him. He’s had more than enough time to read the pages I sent him last night. Butterflies take flight in my stomach as my nerves kick into overdrive. My mouse cursor hovers over his message while I bite my lip in hesitation. My biggest fear isn’t his response, it’s opening all these old wounds again for him as well. I don’t think I could have done this with him here, or if he hadn’t finally given me an ultimatum, but I wish he were here with me reading it so I could gauge his reactions. The last thing I want to do is hurt him any more than I already have. Sawyer deserves all the happiness in the world, and I know Noah would want that for him. Taking a deep breath, I click on his message.

  Hey Princess,

  Wow. You’ve literally left me breathless. Your writing has always been good, that’s why we hired you after all, but this … it’s intense. While reading your pages, I realized a lot of things, the biggest of all being, I owe you an apology. I thought by giving you an ultimatum it would make you realize all the things I already know. What I’ve realized, instead, is we all go at our own pace and I’m a world-class asshole for making you try to move faster than what you’re ready for. You didn’t fall out of love, it was ripped away from you, and I know that better than anyone. I’m sorry for putting my dreams ahead of your fears. That’s not to say I don’t still wish you could make a decision because I do–and I think it’s what is best for us–but I’d never leave you for not being ready. Love isn’t about being on the same page, it’s about compromise and understanding. I’m sorry you’re going through this alone and that I pushed you into it. If you can’t do this now, if you’re not ready, then stop. We’ll talk when I get home, but my love isn’t going anywhere and neither am I. I promise. Sometimes, I forget this isn’t just about us falling in love and the consequences of that, it’s also about you being okay with loving someone else. Especially when that person is me.

  My hands begin trembling again as I try to type back a reply.

  Hey yourself,

  Sawyer, please don’t doubt my love for you. My hesitation has less to do with you and more to do with my own fears and insecurities. But I don’t need to explain them to you; you know them better than anyone and recognize them before I do. Your words mean the world to me but so do your actions. You’ve been a great friend, a wonderful partner, and the best father figure to Nate. No one, other than Noah, could love him as much as you do. It’s time for me to catch up to life. To know if I can truly give myself to you as freely as I gave myself to Noah. I want that more than anything, which is why I’m trying to claw my way through the last of the darkness so I can live in the light with you. Don’t worry about me, either. I’m not alone. Karen, Anna, and Rory are here. Yes, even Rory. It’s time to bridge this gap between us all. Sawyer, I’m a mess, but thank you for loving me in spite of it all. I want you to read this as I go, so I’m attaching what I have so far of the last part of the book. This part hurts most of all so you might want a drink. I have a feeling the next bits will be better, though. Have faith in me just a little bit longer —I hope it will be worth it.

  After sending the message, I head into the kitchen and knock back a shot. Anna meets me there and pushes her glass toward me and I fill it up for her.

  “I’m proud of you, Amelia,” she says after tossing hers back.

  “Why?”

  “Maybe because most people would work something like this out with their therapist. I know you’ve already had your fair share of time on the couch, but still. Life hasn’t always been kind to you and you’re fighting. For a while I wondered what would happen when you and Sawyer started hooking up. I knew the first day we met that Sawyer had it bad for you and it nearly destroyed him when you married Noah.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Hey, don’t do that. Don’t be sad. You and Noah were given a brief infinity of bliss most people don’t find in a lifetime. You’ve found it twice, Mel. Noah would want this and Sawyer finally came to terms with that. It’s your turn to fully embrace the idea that it’s okay to love him with your whole heart. It doesn’t negate what you had with Noah. If anything, it shows how much of a gift Noah’s love was to you for you to want that again with someone else.”

  After we knock back ano
ther shot, she smiles at me. “People think it’s wrong, Anna. They’re disgusted by us.”

  Anna shoots daggers over to Rory. “She’s protecting her brother’s legacy by lashing out. The fans don’t know you and Sawyer. They’re just being keyboard warriors right now. Mel, you’re my best friend, so I’m going to tell you the truth. You and Sawyer are two of the most broken people I’ve ever met. You were broken before Noah, and you were positively shattered after him. But the beauty in that is you’re flawed in the same places. Noah knew that. We even talked about it once.”

  “You did?”

  “Christmas Eve, the day you got your tattoo. Noah and I were sitting in his office wrapping presents we didn’t want Wyatt and Sawyer to see. We were talking about how he was going to propose to you on New Year’s Eve. He asked me if I thought Sawyer still had feelings for you. I lied and said no.”

  “Why did you lie?”

  She shrugs. “Noah knew I was lying, but Sawyer was trying really hard to let you go at that point. I knew he would do it for Noah. Anyway, Noah said some things I’ll never forget.”

  “What did he say?”

  With an easy smile, she leans back against the counter. “He said he and Sawyer were destined to fall in love with the same women and even though they were blessed with many things, this one thing was their curse.”

  “Our families and their fucking curses,” I grumble, but she keeps smiling.

  “He told me how well you guys had gotten to know each other and then he sort of offhandedly mentioned how you and Sawyer would have an epic love story. He thought it was ironic how scared of love the two of you are and was pretty sure you picked him because you were terrified you’d repeat your parents’ mistakes with Sawyer.”

  “That’s not true!”

  “I know, and so did Noah. I think he was just venting because he said the two of you would have an epic love story as well. Then he bragged about how smart and brave you were and said you’d never let yourself repeat your parents’ mistakes. He just wished you realized that. But then, with a huge smile, he said if you didn’t love him just a bit more than you loved Sawyer you wouldn’t agree to marry him when he asked you.”