Just an Illusion - EP

by D. Kelly

  “Oh God.” My hand flies to my mouth as the tequila begins to churn in my stomach.

  “Relax, Mel. Let me finish,” Anna says, diving back into the rest of her story. “So I asked him, ‘What if she says no?’ and he flashed me his panty-dropping smile and said one day you’d say yes to Sawyer and he’d be just as happy for the two of you as Sawyer would be for him if you agreed to marry Noah.”

  “What in the ever-loving fuck? Was he drunk?”

  She laughs. “On love, maybe. I then pointed out how much closer you’d gotten since Sara and how much you loved him.”

  “I loved him so much.”.

  She nods at the wistfulness in my tone “He knew. I’m going to try to pull this as close to word for word as my eidetic memory will allow. He said he knew you loved him, and he wouldn’t be proposing if you didn’t, but that love wasn’t quantitative and he believed you could love someone with your whole heart and soul and still be in love with someone else. That one didn’t negate the other and he thought that described you and Sawyer. You were in love with Noah but you still loved Sawyer.”

  “Jesus …”

  “Noah was a class act and he loved you both unconditionally. He felt like Sawyer was suffering silently because he was in love with you but didn’t want to hurt Noah, and he wasn’t wrong. But Noah, being the amazing man he was, wrapped up the conversation saying if you changed your mind and wanted Sawyer instead he’d be hurt but he’d also be happy for you both.”

  Anna smiles at the memory. “And that’s the thing, Mel, he would have been. Noah didn’t say it with an ounce of sadness or jealousy, only love for his twin and for you.”

  Tears fill my eyes and I knock back another shot. “That breaks my heart, Anna. I wish Noah would have talked to me about these things. It sucks knowing he and Sawyer had these painful conversations behind my back.”

  “Noah and Sawyer always had painful conversations, but that’s a perk of being a twin. They could have those discussions and still be okay.”

  “I loved Noah with every ounce of my being. Back then, I didn’t think of Sawyer the way I think of him now, not with this kind of love. That’s what’s so hard. He feels like he’s second choice. I don’t feel that way, but if Noah were still here I would have never opened my heart to Sawyer like this. How do I show Sawyer I love him just as much as Noah but on a … I don’t know, a parallel plane? The love I have for both of them doesn’t intersect and it never has. I don’t love Sawyer more than I loved Noah and vice versa. I don’t compare them or even try to. They’re both amazing men in their own right. I hate how Sawyer feels like this is some kind of contest and he placed last.”

  Anna wraps her arm around my shoulder and pulls me in for a hug. “These pages you’re writing today are the saddest but they’re also the most important to Sawyer because these pages tell the story of the two of you. Let your words show him how much you care for him. Let him feel your love for Noah could never negate your love for him. You know what else I’m proud of you for?”

  With a groan, I look to her and shake my head. “I can only imagine.”

  “You always think before you speak and you’ve never fully admitted your feelings for him as openly as you just did. Rory kind of hates you right now and you don’t give a flying fuck she’s within earshot. Writing this story has been good for you, Mel. It’s not a matter of do you or don’t you, can you or can’t you. It’s a matter of you getting past the point where you care what other people think about your life. Even though there have been ups and downs, you guys have been together since Nate’s first birthday. That’s longer than you were even with Noah. There are only two people in your relationship … you and Sawyer. Aside from you, there’s not a soul on earth who could love Nate as much as Sawyer does. Biology aside, he’s Nate’s dad in all the ways that count. It’s time to embrace your family and fuck anyone who has an issue with it.”

  “It’s just so much to handle.”

  She squeezes my shoulder. “Yes, but you’re almost there, Mel, and then you can breathe.”

  “I hope so. I should get back to writing. Veronica is going to be here with Cadence soon because she has to work tomorrow.”

  “I’ll stay and watch Cadence. You need to finish this book, Mel. I’m about halfway through the first part and can’t wait to dive into the second. I’ve heard stories, but since I was never really on tour more than a few days at a time, this is nice to read and see some of what I wasn’t around for.”

  “Thanks for offering to stay. I could definitely use the help. Although, I can’t wait to see Cadence right now. All this writing about Belle and Noah is really bringing that sadness back to the surface. I need some baby hugs.”

  Anna laughs. “You mean toddler hugs, right?”

  “Ugh. Don’t remind me. They’re both getting so big so fast.”

  Anna bounces her shoulder against mine. “Maybe you should think about giving Nate a sibling.”

  “Jesus, Anna! Let me try to come to grips with my love life first.”

  “I’m just saying … time waits for no one, and …” She looks up at me and her eyes soften. “I’m just going to be blunt. People say it’s too soon for you to be moving on and that’s one of your struggles. In the past, I’d have agreed with them, but I don’t feel the same way after seeing how Noah and Belle were ripped away from us. Every second with someone is a precious gift. Don’t let some arbitrary time or lack thereof set your course, Mel.”

  My heart feels like it’s freefalling into my stomach, but at the same time Anna’s words make the most sense of all. Time is a precious gift and you never know when it’s going to be up.

  “Thanks for the pep talk, Anna. You always know how to set me straight.”

  InstaLove

  “Good Morning, Mel. Are you ready to do this?” Sawyer is standing next to my bed with a cup of coffee for me.

  Grumbling, I sit up and take the coffee from him. “I’m terrified, Sawyer,” I confess quietly.

  “I know you are, Princess, but trust me on this, okay? You need this just as much as he does, you just don’t know it yet.”

  “Sawyer, I’ve never in my life wanted anything more than I do that little boy in the next room. Half of the tears I cry are for him. There’s an ache in my heart where he should be, but I’m bad luck, Sawyer. This black cloud that follows my family took Belle and Noah. I can’t let it take him, too. Maybe I should go away—”

  Sawyer takes the coffee away from me and pulls me into a hug. “I promise, Mel, holding him will heal you in ways you can’t begin to imagine. And for the last time, you’re not cursed. Belle and Noah would be so fucking pissed at you right now for pushing your son away and blaming yourself for something caused by the actions of a stranger. They’d be pissed as hell at me for letting it happen, too.”

  “I’m scared.”

  “I’ll be there every step of the way, I promise. Go get ready and meet me in the nursery.”

  Sawyer releases me and leaves, closing the door behind him. I look over at our framed wedding photo and lose myself in Noah’s bliss for a minute before forcing myself to try to do this.

  A knock at my door delays the inevitable a few minutes.

  “Come in,” I call out, and Eli comes inside.

  “Shit, Mel, your face is bruised,” he says, coming closer and running his fingers over my cheek.

  “Tends to happen when someone hits you,” I answer with a shrug.

  “She should have never fucking touched you,” he spits out.

  “Maybe not, but I get it, Eli.”

  “Well, I don’t. I broke up with her.” His words stop me in my tracks.

  “Not because of me?”

  “Partly. Her hitting you was the last straw. Rory is a cool chick, but there’s no chemistry there. I was going to break up with her the day after your accident. When I got the call you’d been hurt I knew I couldn’t do it then. Getting to you was my only priority.”


  “I’m sorry, Eli.” I’m not surprised, but I was hopeful it would work for them.

  “I’m not. Rory’s a little young for me and she’s got her eyes on someone else, anyway. It’s a pipe dream, but who knows. We’re going to stay friends if she can leave you alone and let you grieve at your own pace.”

  He takes a seat in my chair and I sit on the bed. “Is that why you’re here? To tell me?”

  “If only. I’m here for a few reasons. Sawyer called me last night and told me you were sleeping in the cemetery. Mel … I can’t even believe I’m about to ask you this. Are you suicidal?”

  Eli’s baby blues bore deep into my soul. I want to tell him no, but I can’t. “Possibly.”

  “Fuck,” he says as he swipes a tear away from his cheek. “Baby girl, we need to get you back into therapy.”

  “I know,” I answer, letting my own tears fall freely.

  “Alright, so you know I can’t let you out of my sight until we figure this out, right? I want you to understand something. If you were to do that, it would destroy what is left of Veronica, of the Westons, not to mention what it would do to me. You’d make Cadence and Nate miss out on learning about their parents from the person who knew them best. You’d willingly be making Nate an orphan, Mel.”

  Eli rises and comes to sit next to me, placing his arm around me. “We’re going to get you through this. I’m making you an appointment for today.”

  “I’m sorry I’m so weak, Eli.” My words are choked on a sob.

  He pulls me into his embrace and kisses the top of my head repeatedly. “You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met, Mel. But even the strong can’t handle it all.”

  After a few minutes, I pull away. “Why else are you here?”

  “Moral support. Sawyer told me about his plan to make you sink or swim with Nate today. If you swim, we’re actually going to work on some music.”

  “You and Sawyer?” The shock in my tone makes him laugh.

  “Crazy, isn’t it? He was working on some lyrics last week but wasn’t coming up with the right melody. I got Joey’s guitar out and we worked through it. He’s wants to work on it some more. Sawyer needs an outlet right now and he’s got to need it really bad to want to work with me. So do your best not to sink today because Nate isn’t the only one who needs you,” Eli says before leaving my room.

  Music is in Sawyer’s blood, but I wonder if working with Eli has more to do with him trying to avoid reminders of Noah. If that’s the case, it won’t work. Noah is going to be in everything we do for the rest of our lives.

  I take my time showering and getting ready. Once I’m finished, I walk over to the nursery. Sawyer is inside holding a bottle.

  “Perfect timing. I just changed him, but he’s hungry. It’s show time, Mel.” Sawyer walks to the doorway, leaving me standing just inside the room. I can’t see Nate from here, but I can hear sucking noises coming from his crib.

  I inch closer until I’m finally pressed against the rail. My fingers grasp the edges as I look down at him. His green eyes find mine while he sucks on his hand. He’s wearing a pair of blue jammies that say “Daddy’s little slugger” on them, and my tears begin to fall.

  Nate fusses, but I’m paralyzed. When his fussing turns to full-blown crying, I don’t know what to do. I look to Sawyer for help, but he doesn’t move.

  “You can do this, Mel. Pick him up.”

  That’s easy for him to say.

  Instead of moving, my fingers grip the crib harder. My heart aches with incredible pain. Listening to him cry is killing me, but so is my fear. In my peripheral vision, Sawyer’s pushing buttons on his phone and that’s when the music begins piping through the surround sound in the house. Every room is linked to it, including this one. “Inner Demons” by Julia Brennan begins playing and a sob escapes me.

  Sawyer comes closer and places a hand on my shoulder. “Pick him up, Mel. It will be okay, I promise.” As the second verse starts, my fingers release the rail of the crib. By the third verse, I’ve picked Nate up and am clutching him to me. The second he’s wrapped in my arms his cries magically cease. I breathe him in as my tears continue to fall. He smells like perfection, like Noah. I don’t even understand how that’s possible, but I inhale him like he’s the last bit of oxygen I’ll ever get.

  “Oh God, Sawyer, oh my God.”

  Sawyer guides me to the glider while I keep clutching Nate and kissing the top of his head. As his heartbeat syncs with mine and he lays across my chest, I cry it all out. Nate isn’t even fussing for his bottle anymore. Deep inside I know it’s because he needed this just as much as I did.

  “This is the closest to Noah I’m ever going to be again. Why didn’t I do this before? I’m a horrible person, Sawyer.”

  “No, Princess, you’re not. You’re the best kind of mom there is. You were protecting him from perceived danger the only way you knew how. But you’re not a danger to him, Mel, you’re his lifeline.”

  “No, I’m not. He’s mine.”

  Relief floods Sawyer’s features. “You’ll be okay to feed him?”

  “Yeah, I think so,” I tell him, looking back down at my beautiful boy.

  “Alright, I’m going to work on some music with Eli, but if you need me we’ll be right out in the living room.”

  When Sawyer leaves, I turn Nate in my arms and look down at him. A huge smile breaks out on his face followed by a yawn. My heart melts as I allow myself these precious moments to enjoy him and feed him.

  Nate falls asleep while eating and milk dribbles down his chin. I wipe it off and put him over my shoulder to burp him, wondering if I should while he’s sleeping. As he lays against me and I rub circles over his back, I hear Sawyer singing. The words are sad, but his voice is even more so.

  Adrenaline courses through my blood

  But I’m not high

  You’re my only drug

  Darkness closes in all around

  Grips my heart and slams it down

  Blood oozes

  People scream

  Smoke rises

  Where’s my queen?

  Hollow voices

  Bright lights flash

  Death surrounds me

  My whole life

  Is shredding fast

  It’s the same few lines over and over, but they tweak the music as they go. It’s haunting but beautiful. Acoustic, but the way he sings it is like he’s screaming low. It’s obviously not done yet, but it could be a hit.

  That’s insane to even think about. The band would never continue without Noah. But will Sawyer? He doesn’t seem to want a solo career, but Noah wanted that for him so much. Not wanting to lay Nate down but knowing I should to build up some sort of routine with him, I put him back in his crib.

  Something has been bothering me since yesterday, and since Eli and Sawyer are both here, I can ask them. When I walk into the living room, they stop what they’re doing and look up at me.

  “Everything okay?” Sawyer asks cautiously.

  “Yeah, he’s sleeping and he ate, he even burped.” Both of them smile, and Eli motions for me to sit next to them. “Um, I have a question you guys might know the answer to. Yesterday, when Rory was yelling at me, she said I needed to help you guys build his legacy. Do you know what she meant by that?”

  They exchange hesitant looks and I sigh. “Look, whatever it is I’m not going to break. If I’m still standing here after last night, and after holding Nate for the first time in weeks, I’m okay, I promise.”

  “Have you watched your video yet?” Eli asks, and I shake my head.

  “Then you’re not ready, Mel,” Sawyer states simply.

  “Have you watched yours yet?” I ask Sawyer, and he nods.

  “I think I watched it too soon, so don’t go there if you’re not ready, Princess.”

  “I just want to know what Rory meant. She shouldn’t have said anything if I can’t know, but she did, so would you please fu
cking tell me?”

  “I’ll tell you, Mel,” Eli says, and Sawyer shoots daggers at him. “A condensed version.”

  I lean back against the cushion and pull a pillow over my lap. “Noah left you a lot of money. He knew you struggle as it is with your parents’ money, so I guess it was mentioned somewhere that maybe the family getting together and starting a foundation in his memory could be a good way to help you.”

  “Oh. Is this what you guys want, Sawyer?”

  “We want you to be okay, Mel. Rory is struggling, too, because she’s focusing on the wrong things. Instead of grieving, she’s thinking about what she can do in Noah’s honor. If and when you decide you want to do something for Noah, we can talk about that and help you. If that’s what you want.”

  “What I want is for things to go back the way they were before Utah. I guess I should be thankful Noah was a planner, right? But it’s almost too much. Videos and wills, advance directives and medical powers of attorney. His mind was constantly moving, but I was just basking in newly-wedded bliss. How come he didn’t trust me enough to talk to me about any of this? Why didn’t I have any warning?”

  Eli pulls me close and I lay my head on his shoulder. I used to feel so safe in his arms, but now … I just wish he were Noah.

  Sawyer releases a sigh. “He didn’t want you to worry. Seriously, Mel, Noah thrived on this kind of thing. I know he was stressed about that feeling he couldn’t shake, but Noah geeked out on being prepared. Besides, as soon as you delivered Nate, Noah would have made you go see Tony and put all that together anyway. He was just giving you a little time, not hiding things. Noah would have never hurt you like that, not in a million years.”

  The doorbell rings and Sawyer gets up to answer it.

  “That would be your therapist for the day. Are you ready for this?” Eli asks.

  “You got my therapist to come to the house?”

  “No, your therapist can’t get you in until next week because she’s out of town. This one was willing to make a house call.”