Spin My Love

by Chantal Fernando

  Great. Someone please kill me now.

  I hop into the car, and stiffen when Tane leans in to kiss me on the cheek. I pull away from his touch and I see him frown, but he says nothing as he shuts the door. He mimes for me to lock the door, and I do with a frown. Since when does he care so much about my welfare? I mean he used to when we were younger, but this is the new Tane. And the new Tane is a selfish jerk. Right?

  At least, that’s what I try to tell myself.

  *****

  Tane

  She drives away, and I follow her.

  I want her so fucking much.

  Little Giselle, the most special girl I have ever met. There has always been something about her. But do I think I’m ready for a commitment?

  For Giselle, I could be.

  She doesn’t have to know about the things I’ve done, the person I became after I left Perth. I wasn’t in a good place then. While Giselle isn’t the type to judge, or at least, she wasn’t, I still don’t want her thinking of me like that. My past needs to stay buried in the past.

  When I was at Gage and Levi’s earlier, they mentioned a few things about Giselle. The things she’s been through, being a single mother. But they said she never complains. She loves Parker unconditionally, just like my mother did me.

  I always thought Giselle would be an amazing mother. She’s selfless, nurturing, and gentle. She’s a beautiful person, inside and out.

  And I want her.

  I follow her to Gage’s and wish I could join her there. Instead, I wait for her to get safely inside and then drive to my beach house. My backyard is literally the ocean. Gage, Levi, and I grew up surfing together and spending every spare minute we could by the beach. I bought this place with that in mind. However, none of us loved surfing more than Levi. He is amazing at it, too; he was asked to compete professionally before I left. I wonder what happened with that.

  I park my Land Rover Discovery and jump out, not exactly looking forward to being alone. I like to keep myself busy, keep my mind occupied. It’s when I let my mind wander that I think of other things. Of my past. I don’t need that shit.

  I lock the front door behind me and head straight into the bathroom for a long, steaming-hot shower. Over the years, I’ve thought about Giselle a lot. Was she happy? What was she doing? Did she miss me? I didn’t expect our reunion to be like this. But I don’t really know what I expected. I turned my back on my old life, and that included her. I’m a fuck-up, in more ways than one. I’ve always loved her. We’ve been in each other’s lives since I can remember. All my fond childhood memories have her in them. I always hoped we’d end up together. And I want to make that happen.

  I realise that her and Parker are a package deal, and that’s okay with me. He’s a part of her. I don’t know how good of a father figure I could be, but I’d be willing to try.

  Do I deserve a chance at happiness?

  After I’m dressed in a pair of shorts, I jump into my ridiculously large bed and pick up the book by my nightstand. Books are my new means of escape. They are also something for me to do when I can’t sleep, which is happening more often than not. They don’t turn me into someone else; they don’t hurt anyone I care about.

  I turn to the right page and continue where I left off.

  Chapter Five

  Giselle

  I tuck Parker into his bed and kiss him on the forehead. My mind is racing. I have no idea what to think about Tane or the way he was acting towards me tonight, making me believe that he might be interested in me. The thought makes me laugh, and it’s not a pleasant sound. After spending the evening with Gage and Levi—who couldn’t stop talking about how amazing Tane is, and what the three of them have been up to lately—I can’t help but think about him. My mind goes back to the day Tane left. It was the day after his high school graduation.

  “Where are you going, Tane?” I ask him, eyeing his backpack and forlorn expression.

  “I need to leave, Giselle. I can’t be here anymore,” he says softly, his eyes roaming over my face as if memorizing it.

  “Your mum …”

  “I can’t talk about her Giselle. It … hurts,” he whispers, now looking at the ground.

  “You can’t just leave me … I mean, us,” I rectify.

  “I’ll be back for you, I promise,” he says intensely.

  “What does that even mean?” I snap. He ignores my question, instead stepping forward and kissing me on my lips. The kiss lingers. I want to push him away, but I can’t. Instead I pull him into me and cling on for dear life. He gently removes my hands from the grip they have on his grey jumper, slowly pushing my fingers so they are no longer clenched, then pulls back his mouth.

  My fingers touch my lips.

  One more longing look.

  I love you, he mouths.

  And then he leaves.

  I open my laptop and type his name into the search engine. I browse a few articles raving about Tane’s talent before I check out a few images. I see pictures of him with many different women, also pictures of him out and about in all corners of the globe. He really is into that party lifestyle. One picture of him kissing a stunning blonde has me shutting the laptop closed a little too hard.

  It seems like I don’t know him anymore at all.

  I get up and storm into my room, now fuming mad. He left. He left without caring what happened to me; what happened to anyone. I was in love with him, and he knew it. It doesn’t matter that we were young. He can’t expect that just because he’s back, everything can be as it was before.

  It can’t.

  And he said he’d be back for me.

  I guess that was a lie.

  *****

  I watch as Parker and Justin play together on the playground. I laugh out loud when I see Parker gesture for an adorable little girl to go before him on the slide. Looks like he’s going to be a ladies' man.

  “I’m going to take credit there for that little move.” Levi chuckles next to me.

  “Oh? And why is that?” I ask.

  “I spent yesterday explaining to him how a gentleman is supposed to treat a lady,” he says, looking extremely proud of himself.

  “Is that right?” I drawl.

  “He’s going to respect women,” Levi states.

  “Of course he is. He’s being raised by me,” I boast.

  “That he is. You ready?” he asks, and I can tell he’s impatient by the way he keeps bouncing on his toes. We are taking the boys to the beach, but they wanted to play on the playground first. Levi is eager to get into the water, but he didn’t want me to sit here by myself.

  “Sure. Parker! Justin!” I call out. Parker snaps his head to me then walks over, grabbing Justin by his arm on the way.

  “Let’s go swimming. Uncle Levi wants to see what you two can do on your new surfboards,” I say, trying to hide my grin. And my nerves. The boys cheer and run around on the sand whilst Levi carries their two boards. Levi is wearing nothing but a pair of low-slung, blue board-shorts. I notice that they are the same colour as his eyes.

  “What are you thinking about Giselle?” he asks.

  I’ve been staring.

  “Nothing much.”

  “Hmmmm,” he hums, obviously not convinced. I look out onto the water. There are only the slightest of waves, which is why Levi brought us to this beach. He wanted to show Parker and Justin the basics, as well as working on their swimming.

  “Tane’s been asking about you a lot,” Levi suddenly says. Now it’s his turn to avoid eye contact.

  “And?” I ask.

  He clears his throat. “And I think he’s interested.”

  When I’m silent, he turns his face to look at me. “Are you interested in him?”

  “Levi …” I start.

  “I know, I know. It’s not my business,” he grumbles, walking towards the water. I put my hand on his arm to stop him.

  “You’re wrong; it is your business. You’ve always been there for me. And I know we’re blessed to h
ave you in our lives. I don’t know what Tane wants, okay?” I tell him. His blue eyes, so much paler than my own, stare directly at me.

  I don’t know what he wants or how I feel about it. I don’t know anything right now.

  “Let’s teach these boys how to surf, shall we?” he says in a more upbeat tone. I appreciate the subject change more than he could know.

  “I don’t surf,” I say, narrowing my eyes.

  Levi gives me a belly laugh. “Don’t I know it. Come on, you can swim in the water, and look pretty,” he teases.

  “Race you to the water!” I say, taking off my t-shirt and running quickly so I get a head-start. I call out to the boys to run with me, and I’m panting by the time I reach the edge. I hear a splash and know that Levi dove straight in. He stays under for an uncomfortable length of time, but I know not to worry. The man lives and breathes the water. He was probably a merman in another life. I take Parker and Justin’s hands and walk them in so they are up to their waists.

  “Are we going in further?” I ask them, wanting to see if they were going to get their whole bodies wet.

  “Yes!” Justin says enthusiastically.

  “Ladies first,” Parker says with a grin, his pale-green eyes alight with mischief.

  *****

  The next day, I jump when a finger presses down gently on my back. The book I was holding goes crashing to the floor with a loud thud.

  “What does this symbol mean?” comes a masculine voice in a deep baritone, his finger tracing my tattoo. I’m wearing a long-sleeved black off-the-shoulder top with tailored pants, one of my favourite outfits.

  “What are you doing here, Tane?” I ask, picking up the book, maybe poking my ass out a little bit more than I need to, before turning around to face him.

  “It’s a public library. I’m here to read,” he says, his grin showing off a dimple in his right cheek.

  “Congratulations. The Dummies books are that way,” I say dryly, pointing across the room. Low blow, I know, but I can’t help it that this man makes me want to punch a wall. I resume stacking the books.

  “I never pictured you for the Chinese symbol type. It seems a bit cliché; I figured you would get something more original,” he says, trying to get a rise out of me.

  I sigh, and give in. “I got it with Ciara when we turned eighteen. To celebrate becoming legal. She and I got the same one.” Ciara is a friend of mine, another girl we went to school with. She moved away to Scotland last year.

  “You still didn’t tell me what it means,” he says imploringly.

  I can feel the heat rise to my cheeks, and I know Tane sees it too, because he starts to laugh.

  “Come on, Giselle. It can’t be that bad,” he encourages.

  “Oh you know …” I evade.

  “No, I don’t,” he says, chuckling. “Come on, tell me.”

  “Dangerous,” I say softly.

  “What?” he asks. I said it so softly he didn’t even hear me.

  “Dangerous,” I repeat.

  “Dangerous?” he says slowly, his eyes crinkling. It’s silent for a few moments before he bursts out laughing, earning us a few glares from the library occupants.

  “Shhhh! Tane!” I hiss.

  “Who gets a Chinese symbol tattooed that says dangerous?” he asks, amusement in his tone.

  “Me, obviously,” I huff.

  “Why?” he asks simply.

  “You’re a DJ. I’m sure you can figure it out,” I say as I pick up a few more books. Tane steps in and starts helping me stack, which is actually sweet. The thought makes me frown.

  “Okay, so it must be a song then,” he muses.

  When he’s still thinking after a minute, I blurt out, “Dangerous by Akon.”

  He laughs again, but this time it’s silent. I can still see his body shaking though. Bastard.

  “You having fun?” I ask wryly.

  “I am, actually,” he says. He then starts singing the song, laughing again when he’s finished.

  “You are nothing like the girl in that song. No one could describe you as a bad girl,” he says gently after the laughing subsides. His black hair falls on his forehead, concealing one of his eyes, and I ache to push it back.

  “I could have been. You wouldn’t know,” I snap. You weren’t here. My resolve against him hardens.

  “I doubt it,” he says casually, stacking the lasts of the books.

  “Don’t pretend you know me, Tane.” I take in a deep, calming breath, before walking over to my computer and sitting down.

  “I do know you, Giselle. Anyway, I was wondering if I could take you and Parker out,” he says as he follows me.

  I instantly stiffen, and keep my eyes on the screen. “No,” I say bluntly.

  “And why not?” he asks, not fazed by my attitude.

  “Why would I want to?” I counter.

  “Because as much as you want to deny it, you like having me around. Besides, I want to spend some time with you. The both of you,” he says. The vulnerability in his voice has me glancing up at him.

  “Tane …”

  “Come on, Giselle,” he begs, his eyes pleading with mine.

  “Look, Tane,” I begin, not quite sure what to say. “I get that you’re back in town for a while and want to have your fun or whatever, but please go do it elsewhere.”

  “What?” Tane asks in shock.

  “I’m not an idiot any more. I’m not going to waste time on people who don’t deserve it. Parker is my first priority, and …”

  “Look,” he interrupts. “I know that I hurt you when I left. I know that I should have kept in contact. I know I’ve been a right jerk. But believe it or not, I’ve grown up a bit. I’m not eighteen anymore.”

  I sigh. “I’m sure you have, but you’re still a world-class DJ. I’m a librarian with a kid.”

  He gives me a smile that makes my heart ache. That was the old Tane’s smile. “I know. Parker seems great, and I want to spend some time with you. Even if it’s just as friends. So please, let me take you guys out.”

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I say with a sigh.

  “Just give it a chance. Afterwards, if you say the word, I’ll leave you alone. I promise.”

  I look into his pleading green eyes and find my defences crumbling.

  “Please,” he says softly.

  “Okay,” I tell him. I never could tell him no. It’s a weakness. I also think it’s time for the truth to come out. I’m being a coward by not telling him. I just know that once it all comes out—shit is going to hit the fan.

  The right things aren’t always the easiest.

  “I’ll pick you both up tomorrow night at six.”

  “Fine.”

  It’s time Tane and I had a chat.

  Chapter Six

  Giselle

  “I guess we aren’t going out tonight then,” he says quietly as I let him inside, wearing sweatpants and singlet top. I don’t miss the way his face drops.

  “No we aren’t, but I did make us dinner. I thought we could stay in and talk,” I say. His expression lightens, and his shoulders relax slightly. I think that he thought I was going to tell him to leave. I open my mouth, but nothing comes out.

  “Where’s Parker?” he asks me, his gaze darting around my living room.

  “Parker is with Levi. Listen, we need to talk about something, okay?” I tell him, gesturing for him to take a seat. He sits, shifting on the seat as he waits for me to talk.

  “Hold on I’ll pour some wine,” I say nervously, clearing my throat before I head to the kitchen, returning shortly with two glasses of red wine.

  “I have beer too if you would prefer?” I ask him when he stares at the wine apprehensively.

  “Water is fine, Giselle. I’ll get it,” he says, wandering into the kitchen.

  I nod, and start to gulp down my glass, then his glass too.

  “You’re making me nervous. What do you want to talk about?” he asks when he returns with a glass of w
ater in his hand. He crosses his arms over his chest and studies me intently.

  I need to just tell him. Get it over with. Like ripping off a Band-Aid.

  I take a huge breath and then begin. “A few years ago you came to Perth to play at The Arena, do you remember?”

  “Yes,” he says carefully, his eyebrows furrowing.

  Here goes nothing.

  “I was there that night.”

  His eyes widen.

  “What do you remember about that night?” I ask him.

  He looks down and sinks his teeth into his bottom lip.

  “It was pretty much like a usual gig,” he finally replies. “Sold out event. Afterwards I took a girl back to my hotel room. I remember thinking …”

  “Thinking what?” I ask.

  Suddenly he stands up. “Fuck, Giselle …”

  The look in his eyes can only be described as haunted. “That was you that night.”

  “What do you mean that was me? Do you remember, or are you pretending you don’t?” I ask, keeping my tone even.

  He rubs the back of his neck nervously.

  “We had sex. You bailed the next morning without so much as a word,” I say.

  “Fuck,” he whispers, raw pain etched across his face. I watch as Tane turns his back to me, and buries both of his hands in his hair, pulling on the strands. He suddenly spins and stares at me with an intensity that makes me want to squirm.

  *****

  Tane

  This has to be some sort of sick joke. That was her that night? I remember the night she’s talking about. I was fucked up on drugs and I took a girl back to my hotel room. The events are hazy, but we slept together. In the morning I remember looking at her and wondering … could it be her? She had changed, that’s for sure. But when she didn’t say anything and left without a word, I thought it sure as hell wasn’t her. Giselle wouldn’t have done that. She would have stayed, probably chewed me out and called me out on all my shit.

  But it was her.

  And I’m stupid for not realising it.

  I can’t believe I did this to the one girl in my life that I love. The only one I’ve ever loved. Who I supposedly care for. What kind of fucked up person am I?