Heartstrings

by Kelli McCracken

  Both his hands warmed my cheeks as he leaned in closer. “I’m worried about you. You’re a strong woman, Jo, but you can’t pretend like this isn’t taking a toll on you.”

  “I know, which is why I have to go to this appointment. I need answers. Bringing me to this coffee shop helped me remember something about you. Seeing my doctor could help me remember what happened to cause my amnesia.”

  Silence grew between us again. Then he nodded hesitantly and backed away. After he mounted his bike and situated himself, I climbed on the seat behind him. He lifted the kickstand as I wrapped my arms around his waist. The engine rumbled to life a moment later.

  “Ready?” He peered at me over his shoulder, lessening the space between his face and mine.

  I don’t know what overcame me, but I had an urge I needed to satisfy, an urge that was beyond my control. I pressed my chest against his back and cupped his face. Then I placed my lips on his.

  Sweep after sweep our lips caressed in a tender kiss. It caused the heat in my body to rise. When I pulled away, Paxton opened his eyes. He stared into mine as his brow knitted.

  “What was that for?”

  His raspy voice sent tiny jolts through my body. I didn’t know why I needed to kiss him, but the desperation that incited my actions had dissipated. I felt good, whole.

  “Thank you, Pax.”

  “For what?”

  “For being you. For doing this today. For many reasons.”

  His mouth crooked. “I’d do anything for you, Jo. Anything.” He revved the engine and mumbled something else, something I wasn’t sure I heard correctly.

  Even if it means walking away.

  * * *

  I held on to Paxton’s waist the entire length of our trip. He’d taken me by the lake and other parts of town before we headed toward the doctor’s office. The milder weather made the ride more pleasant, but the air was still cool.

  My jacket blocked out most of the wind. Holding on to Paxton helped too. The warmth of his body felt good against my chest. I didn’t complain in the least. Being with him, as well as on the bike, gave me a sense of freedom. I hadn’t felt this way since the day I played my guitar near the lake. I wanted to be free.

  So did my mind.

  Even though Paxton proved to be a good distraction, one thought kept racing inside my head—a memory of standing behind the coffee shop counter beside a younger version of Hadley. No matter how hard I struggled to recall more, the memory stopped with me noticing my reflection in a mirror.

  Frustration built within me. I didn’t understand the flashback, if that’s what it was. They were supposed to be suppressed memories returning, but how could I have a memory of someone I didn’t know until a few weeks ago?

  Unless I knew Hadley before…

  No. It couldn’t be. Hadley wouldn’t look in my eyes every day and withhold such an important piece of information. I thought back to some of our recent conversations. Nothing we discussed led me to believe we already knew each other. I would have known. I’d remembered Paxton the same day I saw him, or at least, I’d remembered kissing him.

  Consumed with thoughts of what it all meant, I didn’t realize we’d arrived at the doctor’s office until Paxton veered into a parking lot. He backed his bike into a space, lowered the kickstand, and killed the engine.

  A sense of dread filled me. I prayed I was doing the right thing in coming here without knowing what would happen. It was probably a dead end, anyway. I didn’t doubt Brighton and Hadley were scheduling all of my appointments. They had to be informing my doctors of my amnesia and issuing strict orders not to reveal too much. For all I know, this Dr. Ives already knew of my condition.

  Working my way off the seat, I stood near the back of the Harley, taming my windblown hair the best I could. I winced when my finger caught a tangle, but I worked through the knot. Had I known we’d be on a motorcycle, I would have braided my hair.

  “Need some help?” Paxton chuckled as he turned to face me. His lips tugged upward when he stepped closer.

  “I don’t think anything will help this mess.” I teased.

  My face grew hotter. I wasn’t sure if it was because of my wind-chapped skin or the way he was looking at me. Yet when he swept a loose strand from my face and tucked it behind my ear, I knew it was the latter.

  His fingers trailed down my cheek. “Guess we better go.”

  I nodded. It was all I could do. My words caught in my throat. Paxton laced his fingers with mine as we walked toward the building. His thumb brushed against my palm the closer we came to the door.

  Once we made it inside, I found the receptionist’s desk and gave her my info. She scanned the sheet in front of her then marked out my name. As I made my way to the waiting area, I found Paxton in one of the chairs, flipping through a magazine. When I lowered myself into the chair beside him, he flashed me a warm smile and patted the stack of magazines.

  “Need something to take your mind off things?”

  “No. I’m okay.”

  “You sure?” His gaze fell to my lap, where I’d placed my hands. It wasn’t until I glanced down that I realized I was wringing them together. “You keep doing that, you’ll rub off your skin.”

  Humor weighed in his words. I couldn’t help but chuckle in response. I was glad he came. I couldn’t imagine sitting here alone or with anyone else for that matter. He’d become my rock—my safe haven. I wouldn’t hesitate seeking comfort in the safety of his arms.

  “I need answers, Paxton. I feel I deserve them, but there’s no guarantee I’ll get them today. Even if I do, I’m not sure it will be anything I want to hear.”

  I didn’t miss the way he avoided my eyes and began flipping the magazine pages again. But his next response surprised me. “We can still leave.”

  As tempting as the thought was, the knot in my stomach forced me to shake my head. I couldn’t leave here without attempting to get what I came for. Not when I knew I’d get seven kinds of hell from Hadley and Brighton when I walked through the door. In fact, I was positive they’d left numerous voice mails and texts on my phone. It would go nuts the minute I turned it on.

  So I didn’t.

  “Miss Hayes?”

  I glanced toward the door that led to the back of the office where the exam rooms would be. A plump, blonde nurse stood in the doorway, flashing a smile in my direction. As I stood, I looked down at Paxton then back toward the nurse.

  “Can he come too?”

  “Of course.”

  Perhaps I should have asked Paxton if he wanted to accompany me before I’d volunteered him. I turned to apologize for not doing so but he was already on his feet, waiting to follow me.

  The nurse led us to the first exam room off the main hallway. She busied herself writing in my chart while I sat on the table in the middle of the room. Paxton sat in the chair not far from me and crossed his arms over his chest.

  I couldn’t say for sure, but he seemed nervous. Maybe it was because he knew the details regarding my condition and worried what would happen if I got answers today.

  Of course, he could be worrying over the fact that he’d have to face Brighton when all of this was over. My brother made threats the day Paxton showed up. Who knew what he’d do when he discovered Pax aided me in getting to this appointment.

  “You doing okay, Miss Hayes?” the nurse asked as she grabbed the blood pressure cuff and placed it around my arm.

  “I’m hanging in there.”

  Keeping my answers as short as possible would prevent me from saying too much. If the doctor or staff had been apprised of my condition, I wouldn’t give them any reason to think I was still suffering from the amnesia. At this point, I’d lie if I had to.

  Once she measured my blood pressure and checked my pulse, she wrote a few more notes in my chart. When she finished, she picked it up and made her way back to the door. “Dr. Ives will be in to speak with you shortly.”

  “Thank you,” I mumbled.

  The door clic
ked closed as I turned toward Paxton. Concern showed on his face. I considered asking him if he was okay when spots filled my vision. They multiplied and danced across my eyes, forcing me to lower them toward the floor.

  Another flashback came on strong. I had little time to react when my earlier vision came back to me, the one of Hadley and I standing behind the counter at the coffee shop.

  Much like before, Hadley’s younger version stood in front of the register. Her lips were turned upward as she spoke in a soft voice. I couldn’t make out what she was saying, nor did I try. Instead, I turned away and faced a mirror.

  The early memory had stopped at this point. Yet this time it didn’t. My reflection stared back at me, but so did another. A man’s face appeared in the mirror, and not just any man’s face. It was Paxton’s.

  He sat at a table near the entrance with a couple of friends. They were drinking coffee and laughing about something. The two other men had their backs to me, unlike him. Then one turned around. Before I could make out his face, the memory began to fade.

  “Jo, are you okay?”

  I flinched at Paxton’s question and met his gaze. I had to quit putting this off. He had answers. Now was my chance to ask him.

  “Before we left the coffee shop, I had another flashback.”

  Paxton leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. He worked his hands together, though he didn’t wring them like I had mine. Still, I took it as a sign of his reluctance to respond.

  “Is that why you needed air?”

  “Yeah.” I swallowed hard.

  “What did you remember?”

  I gripped the edge of the exam table and closed my eyes. Why was I dreading telling him? He’d been honest with me when I confessed to remembering the kiss we shared. He’s the one who explained our first encounter at the shop. There was no reason for him to lie about how long I’d known Hadley.

  And just when I opened my mouth to speak, a knock resonated from the door. It slowly opened just as a tall, lanky woman stepped inside. Her lips stretched into a smile before she parted them.

  “Hi, Jo. It’s good to see you.”

  Her attention drifted to Paxton the further she came into the room. She gave him the same warm greeting, but I didn’t miss the way her forehead creased. Her reaction to him sent a round of questions through my mind. I couldn’t concentrate on them for long. Once she reached the end of the table, she opened my chart and began reading.

  Every ounce of my body filled with curiosity. I fought the urge to grab the chart from her hands and begin reading it myself. Doing so would only make me look like a crazy person. Even if I was crazy, I didn’t want to be committed.

  A moment later, she placed the chart on the counter then came back to the table. “Who did you bring with you today?”

  “This is my friend, Paxton Carr.”

  “Nice to meet you, Mr. Carr. I’m Dr. Ives.”

  “Likewise,” Pax replied. He barely acknowledged my doctor short of a quick handshake. I couldn’t say the same for her. She kept staring his way, as if there was something she wanted to ask.

  “I don’t believe he was with you the last time you were here.”

  I held my breath. Was this a trick question? Perhaps she was testing me to see how much I remembered. For all I knew, Pax came with me for my last visit. I wasn’t sure how to respond, so I found the best answer I could muster.

  “Actually, he did come for my last visit. He stayed in the waiting room.”

  After she refaced me, she inched closer to the exam table. Her fingers worked over my head and neck while she studied my face. “Are you experiencing any headaches or stiffness?”

  “No.”

  She continued sweeping her hands over my neck and then my shoulders. “Have your memories started coming back?”

  “More and more everyday.”

  I peeked at Paxton, who was frowning at me. My answer wasn’t a complete lie. I was remembering more things about my past. So maybe I was making it sound like more than it was, but I had to. I’d do whatever it took to get answers. Paxton wouldn’t stop me.

  It was this specific reason why Brighton didn’t want Pax and I to be alone. My brother knew he’d help me find my answers. Now I’d proven him right.

  “Can you lie back please?”

  Nodding once, I did as Dr. Ives instructed and pressed my back into the cushioned table. As nervous as I was, I knew my voice would tremble if I spoke. I had to play things right. I had to seem confident and in control.

  She worked her hands over my abdomen, pushing her fingers inward. It caused my insides to burn from the pressure. I winced. A natural instinct overcame me and I wrapped my arms around my body before I realized what I was doing.

  Dr. Ives hands froze as she looked down at me. “Are you tender through here?”

  “Yes.”

  The burning sensation lingered a moment longer. When it finally passed, my arms slid back to my sides. Then I noticed her gawking at my damaged hand. She lifted it and thumbed over the scars on my fingers, inspecting them. I didn’t know if it was concern or curiosity that caused her to do so, but she lowered my hand back to my side right after.

  She returned to her assessment, working her fingers along my pelvic region, but she glanced toward the ceiling this time. “What happened to you was tragic, Jo. You have my condolences.”

  I forced a lump from my throat to speak. “Th—thank you.”

  “It’s not uncommon to suffer from post traumatic stress disorder atop of grief. Are you seeing a counselor?”

  “No.”

  After she finished her probing, she helped me sit up. I couldn’t find the courage to meet Pax’s gaze. I felt him staring at me, but I was too busy watching Dr. Ives. She walked to the counter and began writing in my chart. Questions ran through my mind the longer I sat there. Yet one question outweighed the others.

  What happened to me?

  “Jo, does everything seem to be back to normal? Is your body functioning properly?”

  “I believe so.”

  Her attention shifted to Pax again before it came back to me. “I only ask because it’s not unusual for your body to get out of its normal cycle when you experience the type of trauma you did. The procedure has side effects too, like abnormal cramping and spotting.”

  My face was set ablaze. I couldn’t believe she was talking about my period in front of Pax. More importantly, I questioned why she was bringing it up at all.

  “Everything seems to be normal. May I ask why the procedure has those type of side effects?”

  “I’m surprised Dr. Mitchell didn’t explain this better.”

  Her response gave me chill bumps. I recognized Dr. Mitchell’s name. Though I didn’t remember who he or she was, I remembered hearing the name when I had one of my earlier flashbacks. In fact, it was the one I had in the bathtub right after I was discharged from the hospital.

  Get Dr. Mitchell on the line. She needs a specialist…

  “Forgive me, Dr. Ives, but I didn’t mean to imply I wasn’t informed of side effects. There was so much information coming at me during that time. I’ve forgotten some of it.”

  “That’s understandable.” She wrote a few more notes in my chart then closed it. “Basically, what Dr. Mitchell did was scrape the lining of your uterus. You were in a coma for a few weeks, so you wouldn’t have noticed the bleeding. But like I said, it can also throw your cycle out of rhythm.”

  The room seemed to rock. Maybe it was because my body did the same. I wanted to ask what all of this meant, but it was too late. My body froze as I saw a swarm of flashes. They blinded me from the room as I relived each one passing before me.

  Part of me wanted to cry for help, but I couldn’t speak. The ache in my chest spread from head to toe. The memories flooding my mind made it painfully obvious why Brighton didn’t want me at this appointment. One memory in particular.

  The one of me rubbing my swollen belly.

  “Oh my God…” Tears ripped
the image from my mind. There were no words to describe the pain tearing apart my heart. “My baby.”

  I wrapped my arms around my waist. Every agonizing second filled my head with many memories. The countless trips to the bathroom…the morning nausea…the positive pregnancy test…the lips that pressed against mine after I revealed the news…

  I found Paxton standing beside me when my vision cleared. So much concern covered his face. Even his eyes watered. And the moment I looked in them, I knew.

  Whatever happened to cause my amnesia didn’t just steal my memories. It stole something more precious. It stole the child I’d carried inside me.

  “Pax… Oh my God, Pax. I’m… I’m so sorry.”

  His hand folded around my arm. “You’ve no reason to apologize to me, Jo.”

  “Yes, I do.”

  My chest tightened. I couldn’t force myself to breathe. As sure as I was sitting here, I’d die a slow death of suffocation. But then, I was already suffocating. The jagged pieces of my broken heart tore at my soul. I needed air.

  Without a second thought, I jumped from the table. Yet I didn’t get far. My body grew numb. My legs grew weak. Then darkness encompassed me. A black purgatory anticipated my fall, devouring me with little warning. But I didn’t care. How could I?

  I didn’t want to exist…

  ~ CHAPTER SIXTEEN ~

  2 days later…

  “Get the hell out of here, Paxton. You’re the reason my sister is in this condition. It’s bad enough you took her to that appointment, but I won’t let you hurt her anymore. You need to leave.”

  “I’m not going anywhere.”

  “Stop it! Both of you. Take your testosterone-fueled egos and get out of this room. Just because she isn’t talking doesn’t mean she can’t hear you.”

  “He’s the one who needs to leave, Hadley. Get him out of here, or I swear to God, I’ll break his face.”

  “Bring it, Brighton.”

  “Both of you leave or I’m calling the police.”

  “Fine. I’ll go. I love her enough to step aside.”