Heartstrings

by Kelli McCracken

  “Wouldn’t be the first time, would it, Pax?”

  “Fuck you, Brighton.”

  ~ CHAPTER SEVENTEEN ~

  5 days later…

  “Jo…? It’s me, Pax… Jo, please talk to me. Please. I’m really worried about you. I’m sorry. God, I’m so sorry this happened to you. Please forgive me…”

  “You’ve got a lot of nerve asking for her forgiveness.”

  “Didn’t stop you before, did it Brighton?”

  “Do you even realize the severity of this situation? You’re lucky that Hadley and I found you when we did. I knew you were going to do this shit again.”

  “What did I do that was so bad? I helped her regain memories.”

  “Look at her, Paxton! Look what the truth did to her. And it’s not over yet. If your—”

  “Shut up, Brighton. Family is family. You tend to yours and I’ll tend to mine.”

  “If this doesn’t screw her up, she’s going to remember everything.”

  “I’m sorry for what happened. I can’t take it back. I thought I was helping out. I didn’t mean…”

  “What? To be part of the reason she almost lost her life?”

  “You want her to hate me. I get that, and if she does, I’ll accept my fate. But the few days we’ve spent together… She remembers a lot. I loved her. She loved me. Everyone knew it.”

  “You’re walking a dangerous line, Pax. Remember that. If by some miracle they survive this, you’ll be left with nothing. Wasn’t the first time enough?”

  “I could ask you the same. Isn’t that the real reason why Hadley is here?”

  ~ CHAPTER EIGHTEEN ~

  1 week later…

  “Jo, it’s Hadley. Can you hear me…? Squeeze my hand if you can hear me… I don’t want to have you institutionalized. Please talk to me… Please, Jo. I need you to come back. I need my friend…”

  ~ CHAPTER NINETEEN ~

  9 days later…

  “Jo… It’s Adam… Hold on. Don’t slip away. Fight for this. Fight for us… Please, Jo. Please remember…

  ~ CHAPTER TWENTY ~

  I’m not sure how long I was out. An hour. A day. A month… It was all the same to me. When your will to live disappears, all you want is to crawl into a ball and waste away. I had no will to keep going. I had nothing.

  A force I could neither name nor accuse had stolen so much from me. It left me with an emptiness that no one could fill. Brighton tried. So did Hadley. Even Paxton. I vaguely recalled their faces when they came to check on me. I didn’t speak to any of them. I couldn’t. My mind was too jumbled to form words.

  The setting sun cast golden rays inside my bedroom. I stared out the window, wishing I could fade from my existence just as the sun faded from the sky. If I could close my eyes and block out everything else in the world, maybe the pain would ease. Unfortunately, that wasn’t possible. My mind was loaded with memories—memories that made my head spin.

  Images of my swollen belly played through my thoughts. I’d been five months pregnant before the miscarriage. If my memory served me right, the last ultrasound I’d had gave me a surprise. I was carrying a boy…

  My heart seized. Tears streamed down my face, but I didn’t bother swiping them away. I had neither the energy nor the desire to move. The bed entrapped me, but not as much as my thoughts.

  It was hard to believe I was at home after everything that happened. I was sure Hadley being a nurse had something to do with that fact. Of course, as much as I’d faded in and out, I wasn’t convinced that I hadn’t been at the hospital.

  I wallowed in misery as a noise sounded behind me. My bedroom door opened, but I remained facing the window overlooking the beach. I didn’t need to see who’d entered. The potent scent of Hadley’s perfume filled my nose. A second later, she entered my peripheral.

  As my face grew warm, I snapped my lids shut. Seeing her did more than remind me of the façade she’d maintained since arriving. Her gaze held something within it I didn’t want to see. Pity.

  I was broken. Shattered. I knew this more than anyone, yet seeing it on her face made me angry. I didn’t want to be pitied. I wanted my son in my arms. I wanted the rest of my memories back. I wanted to know what happened to me.

  “Jo? Can you hear me?”

  Perhaps if I kept silent and didn’t move, she’d leave. Granted, I had questions that needed answers, but I didn’t want them from her. Or Brighton. I needed Pax. He was the only person who’d be honest. Besides, this baby… He’d been ours.

  The thought made my stomach sink, not just from sadness, but uncertainty. Every time I thought about my son, I had this feeling that there was much more to our story. Had Paxton and I broken up? Did he not want the child? Had he cheated on me? There were missing pieces I still hadn’t found. There had to be. Brighton’s reaction to Pax proved as much.

  You know him. We both do, but it’s not necessarily a good thing.

  The mattress gave as warmth trickled over my lower body. Hadley had sat on the edge of the bed. Her throat cleared before her fingers curled over mine. I didn’t want her touching me after keeping so many secrets. Yet when I heard her sniffle, my heart pinched.

  I glanced up at her, and just as I expected, she was crying. A solitary tear slid down her cheek. She didn’t brush it away but allowed it to collect at her jaw. Then it plummeted toward her shirt. Though she wasn’t looking my way, she squeezed my hand and thumbed over the back.

  Debating on what to say, I’d come up with nothing suitable by the time she refaced me. In an instant, her eyes warmed. So did her lips when she smiled. “Jo? Are you back?”

  “I never left.” She winced at the grogginess in my voice. So did I.

  “You may not have physically left, but you haven’t been here. Not mentally.”

  “Whatever.”

  “It’s true, Jo.” She squeezed my hand again and scooted further onto the bed. “You’ve been catatonic for over a week. We’ve been here every day, talking to you, asking you questions, taking care of you. I doubt you can recall any of it. You’ve been too engrossed in pain.”

  “I can’t imagine why.”

  Hadley frowned at my cynicism. Even I couldn’t stand the sound of my voice. How pathetic I’d become. I was a shell of a woman who’d been stripped of her heart and soul. The tragedy that stole everything still evaded my mind. Sarcasm was the only thing I had left to defend myself.

  “How much do you remember, Jo? Has everything come back?”

  “Depends on what you mean by everything.”

  Her chest rose and fell as she exaggerated her breathing. “You remembered the baby, right?”

  “Yeah…” My voice thickened. “I know I was pregnant. I’m assuming I miscarried since there’s no baby here. Unless you and Brighton are hiding him from me.”

  Hadley looked away. I noticed her lip trembling before she spoke. “I wish like hell that was a reality, Jo. I’d love nothing more than to place your child in your arms.”

  “So I did miscarry.”

  She nodded. “It was a late miscarriage. Had this incident happened a week later, he may have… It would have been a slim chance, but there would have been a chance of him surviving.” Her hand pressed to her lips. She left it there until she regained her composure. “Brighton made arrangements while you were comatose. You were far enough along to have remains. Your son is buried at the same cemetery as your parents.”

  It felt as though my heart shattered again. “He had no right to bury him. That’s my job…and Paxton’s.”

  Hadley’s forehead creased. “Uh… I’m sorry, Jo. I don’t know what to say. Brighton thought he was sparing you the pain of having to deal with it. He left the tombstone blank so you could name him once you remembered.”

  I pushed up on my hands and scooted against the headboard. “My brother thought he’d spare me the pain of a lot of things by keeping the truth from me. Guess what? It didn’t work.”

  Silence formed between us. I didn’t like being bitt
er toward her. It wasn’t her fault that I’d suffered any of these losses. She didn’t ask to be brought into this.

  Or maybe she had.

  The memory I had at the doctor’s office came back, the same one that started at the café. I couldn’t stop thinking about Hadley or how she and I stood behind the café counter, smiling about something. I waited to see Paxton sitting with his friends, but the memory didn’t continue. A collage of others played in my mind. I let each one develop before I found the courage to speak.

  “I knew there was more to you than what you told me.”

  “Beg your pardon?”

  I didn’t miss the surprise on Hadley’s face. She had no clue what I was talking about. How could she? I hadn’t told Paxton that I remembered her, or at least thought I did. I’d meant to ask him if she were truly a part of my past, but I never had the chance. Dr. Ives walked into the room before I could.

  “Paxton took me to Corner Café the other day.”

  “He did?” She shifted her body so that she fully faced me.

  “Yes. I know it’s where he and I met. I remembered that meeting while we were there. But I had other memories come back. I saw a young waitress, and she…well, she reminded me of you, only younger.”

  Hadley pressed her lips until they whitened. For a moment, I swore she’d stopped breathing. Then she blew out a long breath, and I seized the opportunity.

  “We worked together at the coffee shop, didn’t we?”

  Hadley nodded. She didn’t bother elaborating, but I didn’t need her explanation. It was as if a locked door had opened and memories crept through my mind.

  “Pax and I may have met at the café, but we didn’t. We met at college.” She did more than nod this time. She sighed. Not from boredom but from emotion. The more she confirmed the thoughts rolling through my mind, the more I spoke those thoughts. “You and I…we’re friends.”

  “Best friends.”

  She was right. I remembered as much, yet knowing the truth angered me. “Then why didn’t you tell me?” My voice shook. So did my insides. “How could you lie to me for weeks.”

  “I didn’t lie to you, Jo. When I learned about your amnesia, I stayed away. It hurt to know you might have forgotten me.” Hadley swiped her face and stared toward the window. “Then Brighton asked me to take care of you. He thought if I were around, it would trigger something. He thought I’d help you remember. You have no idea how hard it was to see you and realize you didn’t recognize me.”

  My mouth was parted for a retort, but I couldn’t find the right words. I was too busy recalling the day she showed up at the house. I’d been angry at Brighton, and she took the brunt of the pain I inflicted.

  Shame burned within me as I remembered questioning why she was at my house. The hurt I saw on her face, how she claimed to understand my suspicion of her, even the way she glared at Brighton on her way out the door made sense. I’d treated my closest friend like a wary stranger.

  “I’m sorry for the way I treated you, Hadley. You came to help me, even though my brother broke your heart.”

  Her eyes widened, then she avoided my gaze. “He was messed up, Jo. You know that as much as I do.”

  “You’re right.”

  I had no problem recalling the hell he’d put me through with his drug addiction. I wasn’t sure if the drugs would kill him or the people he knew, but it was a horrible time in my life.

  Then other memories poured through my mind.

  “You…” I hesitated just as she looked my way. “You’re the reason Brighton stopped using.”

  Hadley snorted and shook her head. “I did nothing more than show him what he needed to see. You’re the reason he did it, Jo. He did it because you were the only person he had left. He didn’t want to lose you too.”

  “I remember.” I whispered the words as I choked. My eyes blurred. A warm trail of tears rolled over my cheeks.

  My brother struggled to beat his addiction to narcotics. His final descent from sobriety was the one point in his life I was certain would kill us both. Yet it was seeing him going through withdrawals that shattered my heart. The way he looked so frail and weak. Nothing about him resembled the man he was before pills came into the picture. He even developed a sharp tongue that made my heart bleed on several occasions. But I kept coming back. I kept giving him chances because he was my brother. His DNA and mine were nearly the same. Turning my back on him would be no different than doing it to myself. So I stayed.

  And he recovered.

  “Did uh… Brighton’s the one who asked you here. Have you and he reconciled?”

  Hadley’s head twisted from side to side. “I came because of you, not him. I’ll always care about him, but there’s nothing between us anymore. I’m not the kind of girl who goes back to her ex.”

  “Is that a dig at Paxton and me?”

  “Of course not. Your situation with Paxton was different than Brighton’s and mine. Do you remember why?”

  I shook my head and glanced at the sheets covering my waist. “No. I don’t remember.”

  “You will, Jo. If you remember me, then the last six years of your life are coming back. You’re going to remember everything else. It’s only a matter of time.”

  I wanted to believe what she was saying. It seemed as though the pieces of my life were falling back in place. At the same time, something was missing. Of course there was. My son wasn’t with me. He never would be.

  If the rest of my memories were as painful as losing him, I didn’t want to remember. I’d spend the rest of my life in the dark, missing my child and the life I should have had.

  ~ CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE ~

  Hadley refused to leave until I got out of bed. She didn’t insist on therapy or demand that I leave my room. Her only request was to stay awake until bedtime, and I obliged reluctantly. It wouldn’t be that long of a wait, but minutes felt like days. I’d much rather hide under my comforter and forget about the rest of the world.

  Being awake meant reliving the painful memories of my pregnancy. I didn’t have many, but the ones I had were unbearable. Not one included Paxton, which led me to believe we’d split up at some point. Perhaps he’d cheated on me and I cut him out of my life, or he’d left me for someone else. Hell, for all I knew, he didn’t want kids.

  Was this the reason he said I didn’t owe him an apology?

  As my stomach knotted, I rushed for the French doors. I’d throw up before I got them open. I was sure of it. Yet when I pushed them wide, the night air hit my face. Then the nausea subsided.

  I could breathe. Each time I drew in air, my lungs cooled. It eased the burning sensation in my face, but not the void in my soul.

  After a solid minute of doing nothing but staring into the backyard, I released my grip on the doorframe and gazed around my room. What I once considered my prison had become my sanctuary. I never wanted to leave it again. I’d rot away from the emptiness in my heart and reunite with my baby boy…

  My nose burned. I fought my tears as best as I could, but it didn’t help. Several escaped and rolled down my face. I swiped my sleeve over my cheek to dry them. Then I noticed my guitar.

  I hadn’t touched it in over a week. The part of me that loved creating music was fading more each day. Being an artist, no matter which kind, meant having a heart—a big heart. Artists need to feel all emotions. Happiness. Sadness. Anger. Even desperation. I was overqualified. I had the ability to create something special, something magnificent. But I didn’t want to create anything. I didn’t want to feel.

  No matter how much I resisted the guitar, it kept calling to me. Shattered or not, I took heed and lifted the instrument to my chest before I could talk myself out of it.

  Examining the rosewood and steel, my heart kicked into a faster rhythm. I didn’t play. I did nothing but drown in my pain. How many times would my heart break before it stopped working? Why wouldn’t it stop working? Why couldn’t I die?

  “Just breathe. Remember?”

 
Every inch of my body felt a jolt of energy so powerful I thought lightning had struck me. I couldn’t move or speak. It felt like my body was no longer functioning. Had I died? Perhaps God had enough of my ungratefulness and decided to end my existence.

  Then I saw a face.

  “Adam?”

  One nod from him made my eyes water. He’d returned. The anger I sensed the last time I saw him had disappeared. He looked the way I remembered. Beautiful. Smiling. Happy…

  “And she’s back.”

  His teasing made me chuckle. “More like you’re back. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever see you again.”

  “I’ve been around more than you think.”

  As weird as his statement was, I ignored it. I had questions I needed him to answer. “What happened last time? Why were you upset with me?”

  He lowered his gaze to the guitar a moment before I did the same. My knuckles had whitened from clenching the guitar closer. I assumed he noticed as well because he glanced away when I released my grip and lowered the instrument.

  “You left me, Adam. Why? I…I’ve needed you.”

  “I did what I thought was best. You’re the one who said you’d found the man in your life. I couldn’t stay after that type of admission and be the gentleman I was raised to be.”

  “You mean the gentleman I created you to be.”

  The smile on his face faded as he grunted. “Oh, that’s right. I forgot that you created me.” He pointed to me and then to himself as he emphasized his words.

  When I sensed the hostility, I disregarded my next question and pulled the guitar up to my chest once more. Turning my back to Adam, I strummed a few chords of the song I was creating. I had to do something to distract myself from him. I didn’t want to upset him like I did last time. Then he’d leave. I still had questions. If my subconscious was using him to help me heal, then I needed more answers. Still, I had to be subtle…and honest.