Imperfect Love

by Isabella White

  Holly, Jane and Charles simultaneously gasped at the difference in the girls’ heartbeat. One was clearly struggling.

  “We have to get them out.”

  “What? Are you insane? It’s only twenty-four weeks!” Holly couldn’t contain her tears.

  “We have no choice, Holly. This is their only chance at survival. We need to deliver them, and now.”

  Holly’s own heart beat uncontrollably.

  “It’s okay, baby girl. Deep breaths,” her mother whispered, holding on tight to her daughter’s hand as the nurses began preparing Holly for what was to come.

  Holly tears turned to heart-wrenching sobs. “They aren’t going to make it. How can they? They are too tiny.”

  “They?” asked Charles in apparent shock, eyes widening, clearly not having cottoned on to the fact that two babies were being talked about.

  Nodding, Holly sobbed her confirmation. “I’m pregnant with twins, Dad.”

  Charles’ eyes seemed to widen even further, but he said no more.

  Jane had tears in her eyes, too. And all Charles could do after the news he’d just received was rub his hands together. If he kept that up, he’d rub all his skin off, so much was his worry.

  “Shh, don’t think like that. It’s a miracle you carried them for this long. They will be fine, Holly. I know it. I can feel it, and I’ll pray like I’ve never prayed before. Just stay strong, okay?” Jane smiled down at Holly, albeit if it had ended up being a wobbly one.

  Holly nodded, but she didn’t feel as her mother did. She was terrified, not for her life, but for the lives of her babies. Should she live and the babies not, she didn’t know how she could possibly be able to handle such a tragedy, if she’d handle it at all. If that happened, fate was a cruel motherfucker.

  Holly was wheeled into the operating room. Everything was happening so fast; her head was spinning, her heart was beating erratically, and she was praying all the while that her babies would be saved.

  The anesthesiologist arrived and began his preparations. The only other doctor they were still waiting on was the neonatologist, Dr. Edwards.

  “Don’t worry, Holly. Dr. Edwards is one of the best, if not the best in the world. If he can’t pull these two babies through, nobody can.”

  Holly managed a nod and felt her body going numb, the epidural was kicking in. They connected her to a fancy surgical monitor while they waited for Doctor Edwards.

  The anesthesiologist was on the phone, saying something about needing blood.

  She caught Doctor Rikus’ eyes. “Can my mom come in, please? She’s a nurse.”

  He nodded once, and one of the nurses led her mother to another room to change into scrubs.

  Everything happened extremely fast after that. The room was spinning out of control, and Doctor Rikus’ voice, as well as the nurses’ turned into dull sounds.

  Holly took a couple of deep breaths, all the while keeping vigil on the door. She had never panicked like that before. Her heartbeat pounded way too fast, yet it felt as if she could hear every single beat.

  The last figure she saw before the world went quiet and black, was Jake hurtling into the room and into view. Then a beep emanated from the monitor.

  Holly woke in a panic. She wasn’t in the OR anymore, nor was she in her private room. She didn’t feel the ache in her heart, quite the opposite in fact—peace. It was the most amazing feeling ever.

  But there was something she needed to remember which was odd, but she couldn’t recall what that something was. The feeling inside her was wonderful, she couldn’t explain it other than the fact that it was pure serenity. She usually only felt that for a mere second before her reality crashed down on her, but what that reality was she didn’t know, either.

  A gentle hand touched her shoulder and she moved her head to the side. It was like she was looking in a mirror, but when the image smiled, Holly shook her head.

  The image, however, didn’t mimic her action.

  “Jamie?” Holly whispered.

  Her sister laughed, tears evident in her eyes.

  “How is this possible?” Holly grabbed her sister around the neck.

  “You know it’s not normal if you’re able to see me, Holls Polls.”

  Holly’s heart skipped a beat at the nickname Jamie had always called her by. “I don’t care. I’ve missed you so damn much.”

  “I have missed you, too. But you can’t stay. You can still go back.”

  “Still go back? Where?”

  “You know where.”

  Holly tried to think, but it was like her mind was blank. She looked at Jamie and shook her head.

  “You know. I haven’t been with you for a long time. Think about what happened to me, Holls Polls. Think, please. It’s important.”

  An awful sadness filled Holly, and then images of Jamie’s coffin filled her head. She saw her mother crying and screaming while she just stood there, watching her best friend and sister being whisked away from her.

  “No! It can’t be. Am I dead?”

  “You can still go back. Your babies need you, Mom needs you, and he…” Jamie trailed off, closing her eyes.

  “He? Who are you talking about?”

  Jamie opened her eyes. “Secrets; there are a few you need to unlock. You need to go back, Holly, and figure out the truth. You have to go back. You must take care of those beautiful girls and find your happiness again.”

  “I’m happy now.”

  “Follow Mom’s path, it will lead you to the truth.”

  “Mom’s path? What do you mean?”

  “You will know when you wake up.”

  All of a sudden, Jamie screamed, “Now, wake up!”

  Holly’s eyes flew open.

  “She’s back,” she heard Dr. Rikus say with relief.

  What the hell just happened?

  She could’ve sworn she’d seen her sister, however unlikely that was. But she knew she had… somehow.

  What had they been talking about? A path. What else? Her thoughts disappeared faster than she could hold on to them, until the only thing she remembered was the distant memory that she had definitely seen Jamie.

  Her eyes closed again, and that was the precise moment she remembered the last thing she’d seen before she’d slipped into that serenity.

  Jake. He’s here!

  The next time she woke up, her chest hurt, as if someone had cut into it with a knife. A stronger pain jolted through her body.

  Jamie. Jake.

  Her eyes flew open and landed on her mother, who was asleep in the chair next to her bed.

  “Mom,” she whispered, but Jane didn’t move.

  “Mom,” she called again, slightly louder this time.

  Jane jumped in her chair. When she focused on Holly, she promptly burst into tears, got up and held her daughter tightly. “Oh, thank you, Lord! I thought I’d lost you. I just got in when the babies were delivered… that horrible noise filled the room…” She bit her lip and let out a sob. “I thought I’d lost another daughter.”

  “Where are they? My babies? Is Jake with them?”

  Her mother frowned, and then shook her head.

  “Mom, I saw him.”

  Silence filled the room and her mother closed her eyes.

  “Mom?”

  “He’s not here, sweetheart.”

  “I don’t believe you. I saw him, right before—”

  Jane halted anything further by putting her hand up. “He didn’t come, Holly.”

  “He’s not here? But I…” The ache of missing him, and the reality of him still not wanting them made her feel as if she wanted to die.

  “In near death experiences, sometimes our mind plays tricks and it make us see the people we want to see the most.”

  Holly shook her head and started to cry. It felt as if her heart had broken all over again. He wasn’t there, he’d never come. What a cruel trick her mind had played on her this time.

  “Shh, now. The babies are fine, but they need yo
u, Holly.”

  She nodded, her lips wobbling, unable to subdue her tears.

  Why? Why, fucking why did my mind play such a dumbass trick on me?

  She was sure she’d seen him right before she’d exited the world. He’d been right there. All she was left with now was the fact that he’d never been there at all. She thought about her babies again. They were all alone. Nobody was with them. Nobody.

  “Can I see them?”

  “I’ll go ask Doctor Rikus.”

  As soon as her mother left, Holly wiped the last image of seeing Jake running into the room from her mind. It hadn’t been real, only her deepest wish her mind had tried to turn into reality, but the reality was that he would never be there for any of them.

  She needed to let him go and take care of the two precious babies he would never get the chance to know. His life would be empty, even though he didn’t know it yet. It would be empty with no real love again, because nobody would ever love Jake Peters the way she’d loved him and nobody, except for her two girls, would ever receive her love ever again.

  Dr. Rikus walked into her room accompanied by Jane. Relief washed over his face. “You have no idea how happy I am to see you alive and breathing.”

  “Me, too. How are they doing?”

  “They are tiny but fighting, Holly. Dr. Edwards is doing everything he can. He’s been working for 48 hours straight.”

  “Two days? I was out for two days?”

  Jane grabbed hold of her hand. “You’re awake now, sweetheart.” Turning to Doctor Rikus, she pleaded, “Can she please see the babies?”

  He shone the light into her eyes, did a thorough checkup, which felt like it lasted for hours when in fact was merely minutes, and finally acquiesced. “I’ll get her a wheelchair,” he stated, then disappeared.

  Jane touched Holly’s cheek gently and looked into her eyes. “Sweetheart, he wasn’t joking when he said they are tiny. There are quite a number of tubes attached to their little bodies. You need to be prepared. No crying you hear? Just give them lots of love so they’re can feel how much you care and want them.”

  Holly nodded. “Just take me to them, please, Mom.”

  “Okay,” she said, mentally sighing on her daughter’s behalf.

  Dr. Rikus had brought her a wheelchair, and both he and Jane helped Holly into it. Placing his hand on her shoulder, he squeezed lightly. She was wheeled into NICU, which was where babies who needed extra care, or were battling serious issues were kept.

  Holly found her father sitting between both incubators, reading Sam I Am to his granddaughters in the softest tone he could muster.

  Holly sucked her lips in when her eyes caught sight of one very tiny baby. Why couldn’t I have carried them longer? Why?

  “Charles,” Jane whispered.

  When he looked up, his eyes were filled with tears. He closed the book, stood up and placed it on the chair he’d just vacated. He then walked toward Holly, leaned over and hugged her. “Thank you for waking up.”

  “Thank you for reading Sam I Am to them.”

  “It’s a grandfather’s duty.” He winked.

  Holly smiled at her father. Gus… no, she stopped her thought immediately. Those people did not matter anymore. Her family consisted of her, Jamie Bernice, and Romalia. She froze.

  Where did that come from?

  Robyn Amelia—Romalia—her other little girl’s name just popped up without warning. She’d never thought of it, or even said it out loud. It was as if a higher power had inserted it into her head. It was meant to be. Jamie’s twin would be named after Amelia and Robin.

  Charles stepped behind Holly and wheeled her between the incubators.

  Her lips trembled when she looked from one precious baby to the other. They really were tiny. However, they had one thing going for them; Scallanger blood ran through their veins. They’d pull through. Holly believed that with her whole being. She already loved them more than life itself.

  A doctor, who seemed to be as tall as Holly was, stopped directly in front of her wheelchair.

  She looked up at him. He had gray hair and the friendliest face she had ever seen.

  “Miss Scallanger, I’m Dr. Edwards. May I have a word with you, please?”

  Holly looked at the incubators, reluctant to leave her babies.

  “I promise it won’t take long, but there are a few things we need to discuss.”

  She nodded.

  Jane pushed her into the room next door, filled with chairs and a coffee machine.

  “One thing you need to know, and I say this to all my patients’ parents, miracles do happen. But, there are times when they don’t. Where the latter is concerned, one has to be strong enough to let go.”

  Holly’s lip began to tremble.

  Dr. Edwards crouched in front of her. “I’m only trying to prepare you for the worst. Your twins are extremely premature… anything can happen.”

  Holly nodded.

  “You need to be strong, because in that room it’s a no-crying zone. They are very sensitive and are able to feel every single emotion emitted. What you want them to feel is an abundance of love, which in turn will give them the strength to fight.”

  “Okay,” she whispered.

  “One more thing. Your mother wasn’t able to share any information with me regarding their father.”

  “He’s not a part of our family, nor do I want him to be.”

  “I respect that, Holly, but I do need his details in order to complete their birth certificates.”

  “Dr. Edwards. He has no interest in his daughters, so he is nothing in their lives. As far as I’m concerned, he falls under the ‘not applicable’ category. They will bear my name.”

  He frowned. “I’m sorry to hear that. These situations always sadden me. He wasn’t interested in them at all?”

  “His only interest was in wanting me to abort them.”

  Dr. Edwards stood up and rolled his shoulders in an agitated manner. “Not applicable it is.”

  “Do you need anything else?”

  He shook his head. “That will be all for now, thank you. I’ll see you soon.”

  Jane took her chair by its handles and rolled her back into NICU.

  Holly was given an anti-bacterial liquid for her hands, and when the nurse was satisfied, Jane moved her between the incubators once again.

  Smiling, although what she really felt like doing was cry, Holly stretched both arms out and pushed her hand through into each incubator. “Hi, Jamie Bernice. Hi, Romalia. It’s your mommy. I want you both to know that I love you so, so much. But, you’ve got to fight and be strong, okay? Think you can do that?” Her voice was gentle and sweet.

  She touched their tiny hands softly and closed her eyes. She didn’t know which had been born when, but she knew that Romalia was the one who was struggling the most. It was evident, as she was smaller than Jamie Bernice.

  Please, God, don’t take them away. I’m not ready to let them go… I never will be.

  Holly closed her eyes. Unbeknownst to her, Charles had sat down once again. She only realized how close he was when she heard his voice, soft and gentle. He’d begun to read Sam I Am again to her two tiny, precious miracles. Tears formed in her eyes, but she refused to let them fall. Looking at her father, she smiled.

  ROMY WASN’T DOING VERY WELL. A FEW DAYS HAD gone by and every time Holly saw her fragile little body fighting hard to stay alive, she just wanted to break down and cry. Jamie Bernice wasn’t faring any better, but she was indeed the stronger of the two.

  Her dad had pulled through big time, paying for everything without any complaint or requests for return payments, which he usually did when anyone borrowed money from him. He even stayed late into the night, keeping Romy and Jamie company.

  Both were allowed human contact where Holly was concerned—breast-to-breast—Dr. Edwards called it. He was a sweetheart, and she wasn’t the only one who thought so. Holly had seen her mother’s eyes sparkle every time he made an appearance
.

  He was one of Holly’s heroes, too. His help with the girls was immeasurable, and he did everything in his power to make sure that they would pull through.

  The mental picture of what her babies looked like at this poignant time in their lives would stay with her for as long as she lived. The number of tubes protruding from their little bodies were such, it was a wonder they managed to breathe at all. Still, they improved almost daily.

  Jane and Charles would take turns sitting with Holly and the babies.

  She was beyond tired, mostly due to lack of sleep. Her worry that something bad would happen the minute she closed her eyes prevented her from getting the much needed sleep her body so desperately craved. She was adamant that she wouldn’t let that happen and drank copious amounts of coffee, one cup after the other, until it got to a point where her body was no longer able to function. So it happened that one evening she passed out cold in her chair, right next to the incubators.

  When Holly opened her eyes, she realized she was back in her private room. That startled her, and then panic set in.

  She hastily climbed out of bed and rushed to NICU, stopping dead in her tracks when she found her father sitting with one of the twins in his arms. Further contact had been extended to both Charles and Jane. By the size of the baby and dark fluff at the nape of her neck, she knew he was holding Jamie.

  “Why did you let me sleep?” she whispered.

  “Holly, you were dead tired. You needed it. No way can you go on without rest. Besides, your mother and I are here to help you.”

  “Dad, anything could’ve happened! I can sleep some other time.”

  “Nothing happened. Calm down,” he reassured softly, giving her the gentlest look he could muster.

  “Thank you, Dad.”

  “That has to stop. Stop thanking me, Holly. I should be the one thanking you for allowing me be a part of both my granddaughters’ lives.”

  Holly swallowed the lump in her throat, but sent a smile his way as she softly brushed her lips against Jamie’s head.

  Although contact was allowed, it came with a time limit. So, when the allotted ten minutes were over, the nurse placed Jamie back in her incubator, while Holly handed her father his shirt. The breast-to-breast rule applied to Charles as well, except Dr. Edwards called it chest-to-chest, for manly reasons. He was truly one of the kindest men Holly had ever met.