Imperfect Love

by Isabella White

  “Has Romy had her time yet?” she asked, watching her lying in her favorite position.

  Charles shook his head, tears glistening in his eyes.

  “What’s wrong, Dad?”

  He cleared his throat. “Dr. Edwards said she’s too critical for one-on-one contact at the moment. It’s best to leave her in the incubator.”

  Holly’s heart skipped a beat and her bottom lip began to quiver.

  Please, Lord, don’t take Romalia from me. I know I’m being selfish, she prayed softly, when I have two babies, where others who only want one aren’t capable of having even that. But… I love them so very much; they are my heart and my soul. You gave them to me for a reason, so please let them fulfill their destinies

  She felt her father’s hand take hold of hers. “I know how you feel, Holly. I don’t think I’ve ever prayed so much in my entire life.”

  She covered his hand with her other. “Thank you. I know you don’t want me thanking you, but I don’t know what would’ve happened if you hadn’t been there for me.”

  “Holly…” Charles paused and lowered his head, chin to chest. When he looked up, his eyes were sad. “I know I fucked up, big time, and let both you and Jamie down. I was a coward. It’s time I admit that. But I can’t go back and fix my wrongs, no matter how much I wish I could. But I can step up to the plate now and do right by you. I… I just want a second chance.” He all but choked up with every single word he uttered.

  “Dad. Everything you’ve just said? Hit me right here.” Holly pointed at her heart. “You can’t even begin to comprehend how much that means to me. You’ve more than stepped up to the plate. I could not have done any of this without you, and I’m not solely talking about your financial help. So, Dad”—Holly smiled at him tearfully—“you more than deserve a second chance. And, in case you haven’t noticed, I even think Mom is going soft on you.”

  That made Charles chuckle. “I really need to make amends with her too, don’t I?”

  “It would be a start.”

  Charles reached out for Holly and pulled her into a bear hug of note.

  Her arms automatically wrapped themselves around him, too, and her body shook with sobs she wanted to let loose so badly but couldn’t. Not yet.

  “Shh, this is a no-crying zone, remember? It’s not good for the babies.”

  She stood up straight, wiped her eyes and smiled. “I know. I need to stay strong for them.” She pushed her hand inside of Romalia’s incubator and stroked her back softly. Her skin was so delicate and Holly imagined that it could break and tear at any moment.

  Charles stayed with her, making up for old times, until Jane relieved him at around five in the morning. She smiled at him as he said goodbye, and then kissed Holly on her head before she sat down.

  “How are my grandbabies doing?”

  “Romy is not in a good place, Mom. Dr. Edwards suggested we hold off on the one-on-one for a while.”

  Jane stroked Holly’s cheek. “He knows what he is doing. They say he’s one of the best neonatologists in the country.”

  “I certainly believe so, and he’s just wonderful with them. I guess I’m just scared.”

  “Nothing can ever prepare a mother for this type of situation. It’s not the way it was meant to be.”

  Holly nodded. She understood a little of what her mom had gone through now with Jamie’s death. It was time she stopping judging her for drowning herself in booze for so many years. The thought of losing either Romalia or Jamie, or both, was so hard to contemplate, she could only imagine what it must feel like to really lose a child. All Holly could do was pray day and night that it wouldn’t happen to her.

  Then she had another thought. It just zapped through her mind, and she asked her mother for her phone.

  Jane handed it to her without any question, at first.

  Holly started typing his number.

  “Who are you phoning, baby.”

  “Him, to tell him what a fucking mess he’s left me in.”

  Jane grabbed the phone out of her hands before she could type in the last number.

  “What good is that going to do, Holls? He left you, didn’t want anything to do with you. A baby isn’t going to change that. You know that.”

  “I know, but he needs to know how I feel, Mom.”

  “He doesn’t care, sweetheart. As much as that hurts me to say to you, he doesn’t care.”

  “What if—”

  “Holly, what if doesn’t exist, not for us Scallangers.”

  Tears rolled down Holly’s cheeks. She got up and left. Next thing, she felt a pair of arms wrap around her shoulders. Somehow, she knew it wasn’t either her father or her mother. She looked up to find Dr. Edwards looking at her sadly.

  “It’s okay. You need to cry.” He stroked her back. “Who did you try to call, just now when your mom grabbed the phone?”

  “Nobody.” She sniffed.

  “Was it the father?”

  “It doesn’t matter, he didn’t want us. It’s not going to change.”

  She stepped out of his embrace and wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her robe.

  “Holly, who is he?”

  She smiled. “I told you before, he’s not applicable, and that is exactly how he’s going to remain, Dr. Edwards.”

  He nodded, and thankful he wasn’t going to push, she went back inside.

  A while later, when she returned to her babies, her mother wanted to know everything, and since her father wasn’t there anymore, Holly shared every detail she could with her. How he used to make her feel; how he’d said that he was going to get them a place together, and how it had all sounded like a dream.

  “He sent me a text that morning, telling me we needed to go see his mother, talk to her, and basically sort shit out.”

  She recounted what took place once she arrived at Mara’s.

  Jane listened intently, and by the end was totally shocked. “That was it? He told you that it was what it was and he had to go? Not even an apology or explanation?”

  She confirmed with a nod.

  “That fucking bastard!”

  “Tell me about it.”

  “You can never try to phone him again, you hear? That can never happen, baby. He was a coward and no coward is good enough for you.”

  She stroked her mother’s arm. “Yeah, I know. I really appreciate your support, Mom.”

  Just then, Dr. Edwards entered the NICU to checkup on the twins.

  Holly and Jane had been so immersed in their conversation, they hadn’t noticed the small spots on Romy’s arms and legs.

  Noticing Dr. Edwards looking closely at Romalia, Holly became alarmed. “What is that?” she queried, her breath catching in her throat.

  Dr. Edwards gave her a sad look. He was visibly shaken.

  “No!” Holly began to cry. “Please don’t tell me there’s nothing you can do for her.”

  “Let’s go outside, Holly.”

  “It’s okay, baby girl. I’ll stay with them.”

  Holly sobbed quietly as Dr. Edwards led her out of the ward. “Please… is there nothing you can do? What are those spots?”

  “Normal under the circumstances. But, she is fighting for her life, Holly. And although she’s been the fiercest little trooper I’ve come across, her body is just too weak.”

  Holly’s hand went to her stomach and she doubled over, almost as if she’d been stabbed, and the other covered her mouth. Tear careened down her face freely, dotting the floor where they fell and splattered.

  Dr. Edwards took her in his arms, holding her close to his chest. “I’m so sorry.”

  “How long?”

  “It’s only a matter of days now. She will worsen, and the spots will grow. She’s not in a good place, Holly.”

  “What can I do?”

  “Help her go.”

  “You’re asking me to kill my baby?”

  “I would never ask that of anyone, let alone a parent. No, I’m asking that you to let her go. She’
s fought a long, hard battle for her tiny body. Babies go straight to Heaven, you know.”

  “I don’t want her in Heaven, I want her to stay here.”

  “I know.” He held her tighter. “Believe me, if I could do anything further, I would. Her organs are failing.”

  Holly merely nodded. She didn’t want to let her baby go, but she had no choice. Romy was suffering and there was absolutely nothing any of them could do. She could give her everlasting life, elsewhere, and she could make sure that Romy knew how much she was loved.

  “Can I hold her?”

  “For as long as you want.”

  “Thank you.” She wiped her tears as she tried to regain her composure. “My father’s not here. Can we wait a while so he can say goodbye, too?”

  “Of course. She’s not going anywhere just yet.”

  Dr. Edwards handed Holly his phone.

  Holly admired his perceptiveness. Taking the phone from him, she dialed. By now, she knew his number by heart. It rang and rang, and just when she thought it would go over to voicemail, he answered.

  “Charles here.”

  “Dad? It’s me.” She sniffed into the phone. “Romy is not well… she’s not going to make it.” She started to cry all over again. “Dr. Edwards just told me. We need to say goodb…” She choked on the word, and couldn’t speak to her father anymore. Her sobs were uncontrollable.

  She heard Dr. Edwards speaking to her father. When she’d broken down, he taken the phone from her.

  Holly sagged against the wall and slid to the ground until her backside connected with the floor.

  She felt Dr. Edwards’ arms around her shoulders again; the call must have come to an end. She finally succumbed to the immanent tragedy on the verge of unfolding. She wept for her little girl. For the baby she was going to have to let go. And the wonderful man at her side, Dr. Edwards, cried along with her, too.

  “…miracles do happen. But, there are times when they don’t. Where the latter is concerned, one has to be strong enough to let go.”

  Those had been the exact words he’d uttered to her the first time she’d seen her babies. She knew she needed to be strong now, but it was a damn near impossible task, an almost fucking impossible one.

  One of the nurses who’d helped her throughout the past week took Dr. Edwards’ place as he excused himself. She sat down next to Holly and wrapping her arms around her body, cried right along with her, too.

  Holly allowed her to be the comfort she so desperately needed. Along with her pain and sorrow, rage began to fester. She hated Jake Peters now more than ever, and hoped to never see or hear from him again as long as she lived.

  She had been so fucking stupid for almost having called him earlier. He was a coward, pure scum of the earth for ever even thinking she would be as hollow and shallow as to contemplate abortion.

  Mara had been right; he wasn’t ready to be a father, and as far as Holly was concerned, he wasn’t fit to be a human being, either.

  It was inevitable that the day would come when he would find out what happened. She just hoped she wouldn’t be around anymore, because he deserved every ounce of unhappiness when he met the woman who would introduce herself as his daughter. And then, he’d be dealt a further blow when she explained to him what had happened to her twin.

  That day would come, of that she had no doubt. As was often said, what goes around comes around. She wondered if he’d be mature enough to embrace the pain she was feeling right that second, in that very moment.

  Holly cleared her mind and pulled herself together.

  “No mother should have to go through this. I can’t imagine what it must feel like. What you’re going through.”

  “Do you have children?”

  The nurse nodded.

  Holly squeezed her hand. “Just love them with everything you have, because we never know what fate has in store for us.”

  “Oh, I do. Believe me, I do.” The nurse helped Holly up.

  Just then, the elevator opened and her father walked out.

  Holly ran into his arms.

  Charles embraced her tightly. He didn’t shed a tear, but it was clear from his red-rimmed eyes that he’d cried his heart out. He took a deep breath and walked with Holly back into NICU.

  Dr. Edwards was waiting for them by Romalia’s incubator, trying just as hard not to cry again.

  “Are you ready?” he asked.

  Holly shook her head. “I’ll never be ready. But I don’t want her to suffer anymore.”

  Dr. Edwards opened the incubator, removed the tubes from her nose, and from her tiny body. She’d looked like a robot baby for nine days. When he was done, he picked Romy up and gently placed her in Holly’s arms.

  Holly kissed her forehead and the tip of her nose before settling into a chair.

  Charles crouched beside her, and kissed Romy’s head softly.

  Holly struggled to keep the tears at bay, but she tried, nevertheless. Love was the only thing she could think about if she was to convey to Romy how much she meant not only to her mother, but to everyone whose heart she’d crept into.

  Romalia’s attempts at breathing escalated as she struggled to take in air. And it was at that precise moment that something monumental entered Holly’s head. Romy had shared the same confined space with her sister, all curled up, for five and a half months. That was exactly the manner in which she should leave this world.

  “Dr. Edwards?” Holly called.

  He’d been standing to one side, respecting Holly’s time with her baby.

  “Can I put her with Jamie? I think it’s the way she should leave… it would be the right way. Would that be okay? With all of you?”

  She looked at her parents.

  Charles nodded while looking at the floor.

  Jane kissed her on the temple, and then bent to place the softest kiss on Romy’s head. “I think that’s a beautiful idea. Very grown up.” She smiled at Holly.

  By way of answering Holly’s question, Dr. Edwards opened Jamie’s incubator.

  Holly stood up and carefully took the two steps she needed to reach the incubator. Whispering words of love only meant for Romy, she settled her precious bundle down next to her sister.

  Dr. Edwards fastened the lid and stepped back.

  Jane and Charles, with Holly between them, looked at the fragile little bodies lying against one another.

  Romy suddenly shied away, as if she wanted to hide behind Jamie.

  Holly knew that that was exactly what she was doing, because that was why she hadn’t known about Romy until she had been ready to show herself.

  The end ultimately came about ten minutes thereafter; little Romalia left the world.

  Holly jumped up and ran out of the NICU. She just couldn’t be strong anymore and she hated, hated, hated every single member of the Peters’ family. Sadly, even little Ben, because he would grow up exactly like the rest of his siblings.

  As far as she was concerned, they’d killed Romy by not giving her what she’d so desperately needed to keep her babies inside of her longer.

  Holly found the nearest empty room and once inside, a rage the likes of which she’d never felt before overpowered her. Chairs flew against the wall, one after the other, she kicked a cabinet and attacked anything she could get her hands on. This went on until her father wrapped his arms around her, holding her tight; both crying uncontrollably.

  At one point, Holly screamed as if she was being burned alive, trying to get rid of the emptiness within her. It was the most torturous scream Charles had ever heard. She would never, as long as there was breath in her body, ever forgive the Peters’ for what they had done.

  Never.

  ROMY WAS GONE. HOLLY HAD THE DEATH certificate to prove it.

  She’d decided on cremation and would keep her ashes in the tiniest, teddy bear vase her father had gotten her. Such was her heartbreak, she couldn’t find it in herself to go back to NICU; there was just too much sadness inside of her, and that would do Ja
mie no good.

  Having given in to exhaustion, Holly slept after the small ceremony her father and a couple of the staff attended. She desperately missed Bernie, ached to have her friend close by for support, but she couldn’t phone her. It would be a mistake of huge proportions.

  She’d dreamed of Jake again, the kind Jake with tears in his eyes as he’d looked at his daughter’s ultrasound—at the time, they’d only known about one of the babies. She missed that Jake, but she knew he didn’t exist. He’d purely been an illusion all along, some sort of sick act or joke. And to prove what, she didn’t know. She would never know.

  When she woke, she had a second of peace until the ache of losing Romy crept into her gut, consuming her entire body. She cried for what seemed like years, until she felt a soft touch and her mother’s arms wrapping around her.

  Jane cried along with her daughter. It was unbearable, and a part of Holly felt like dying, too. She didn’t want to be on this earth.

  Face it, Jamie is going to die, too, she kept telling herself. She believed it would only be a matter of days, so felt it was better to disconnect herself from Jamie—the sooner the better. She had to do it, even if her thoughts were the cruelest ones she’d ever had.

  “Holly? Jamie needs you, now more than ever. Please, won’t you go to her?”

  “I can’t, Mom.”

  “You’ve got to.”

  “Like you did?” Sarcasm laced her words.

  Jane stared at her. Not in shock or anger, only sadness. “That is exactly why you need to get out of this bed and be there for your daughter, because I know what it’s like not to. It’s the one thing I regret most in my life, Holly. It eats me up on the inside, every single day. I don’t want that for you.”

  Holly cried again. “Just leave me alone, please.”

  “Baby,” Jane begged again.

  “One hour, Mom. I need to find a place within me that won’t affect Jamie, please.”

  Jane got up and kissed her daughter on the cheek.

  Holly didn’t glance her way. She prayed hard to find peace, love, and all things that were still beautiful in her life. For Jamie’s sake. It was over an hour before she managed to leave her bed, and another hour of pacing in front of the NICU before she even attempted to go in.