Dick Longg: Sexual Saviour of the Universe

by Mark Leigh

  ‘That’s a splendid idea Kelvin’, said an enthusiastic Dr. Hargreaves, realising this was the excuse to leave he so dearly needed. ‘I’m sure Mr. Brunel would love to hear all the intricacies about Project Gladstone. Don’t spare him the detail though!’ Turning to Dick the doctor added, ‘You’re in good hands Jeremy. You’ll find what Kelvin has to say truly interesting’. He looked at his watch. ‘I have to go now but I’ll see you at four in the test lab. Kelvin will show you the way’.

  Dr. Hargreaves left, closing the door behind him.

  Taylor put his fingers to his lips and mouthed, ‘Shhhhh’ before continuing. ‘Let me start at the beginning Mr. Brunel’, he said, still with no hint of recognition in his voice or in his expression. ‘We had four main obstacles to overcome with the programme starting with a logarithmic inexactitude that needed addressing and a conflict in the hexadecimal point syntax. And when we considered the concurrent logic circuits, it transpired there was a procedural paradigm in the source code!’

  Taylor went on like this for seemingly ages. Then again, it might have been for just a few minutes but all the talk about coding linguistics and programming hypotheses made it seem like ages. Still talking, Taylor quietly pushed the storeroom door open as quietly as he could, peeked out in both directions and then closed it again. He took out his pocket watch and opened the back to reveal some sort of gauge, pointing it all around the room.

  ‘OK, it’s not bugged. We’re clear!’. Putting the watch away Taylor hugged Dick but in a manly way, the way a leader of the Resistance would hug his key operative.

  ‘It’s great to see you’, Taylor whispered. ‘I can’t thank you enough for giving Alice that warning about Parnell’. Taylor shook his head. ‘In the back of my mind I knew his defection was too good to be true. I should have listened to you. Yes, I know I was too hasty and I am truly ashamed of my actions’.

  ‘That’s OK’, said Dick, still recovering from the shock of seeing him. ‘Is everyone OK?’

  ‘Yes. Thanks to you’, said Taylor. ‘I couldn’t believe it when I heard you were here. I had to find you!’

  ‘And I can’t believe you worked here all along. And on Project Gladstone too!’, gasped Dick. ‘How come we never met when I was here before?’

  ‘There were a couple of occasions where our paths could have crossed but I made certain I kept right out of your way. If you ever saw me or knew what I did here it would have compromised my position’. Taylor continued. ‘That time in the library when we discussed Alice, I told you I knew about the scheme and that I had an engineering background. I couldn’t tell you any more in case you were ever captured’.

  ‘I wouldn’t have revealed that sort of information’, Dick said confidently.

  ‘But what if you were tortured?’

  Dick gulped. It was a big gulp. A gulp in direct proportion to the enormity of what he was about to say. ‘Ah… yes… If I was tortured…’

  ‘That’s right. How do you know you wouldn’t have cracked? I’ve heard of the strongest-willed men and women crumbling under Party torture’.

  ‘Theyweregoingtogetwaspstostingmynob!’, blurted Dick.

  ‘Pardon’, said Taylor.

  ‘Wasps. On my nob. Crawling over it. Stinging it. Time and time again. Venom entering my penis. Attacking the nerve ends. Burning. Burning. I couldn’t take it!’ Dick was hysterical. Taylor slapped him across the face.

  ‘Pull yourself together man! You’re talking jibberish. You’re no use to anyone like this. Tell me everything that’s happened since that Ruling Council meeting’. Then he slapped him again, this time really hard. This slap wasn’t actually necessary; it’s just that Taylor still had a tiny, lingering amount of seething resentment as a result of what happened between Dick and Alice and this was his way of finally getting closure.

  So, perched on a large cable drum, Dick told Taylor all the recent news, each subsequent disclosure being more significant and almost more unbelievable than the previous. Dick told Taylor about Benjamin not being a subversive and how Vera framed him. Then Dick told him about how he was exposed by the Leader and who the leader actually was — not just a resistance member who suddenly vanished, but Dick’s old rival. By this point Taylor didn’t know whether he was prepared for any more revelations but Dick continued, revealing in graphic detail how he’d been tortured, although he elaborated on one tiny part of the story to make him sound more heroic. In Dick’s re-imagining of the events the insects had actually been released into the wasp box and were crawling all over his penis, stinging it time after time after time until he gave in and confessed everything he knew about the Resistance and his own mission. Dick saved the best piece of news for last; the secret weapon itself.

  Taylor had mixed emotions. He was livid that Dick had given in to torture, even if it did involve wasps and his penis. He was delighted that he’d been right all along about a secret weapon. And he was absolutely terrified on hearing that the weapon was going to be launched the day after tomorrow.

  ‘My god!’, Taylor exclaimed. ‘So it’s an Impotence Bomb!’

  ‘You didn’t know about it?’ asked Dick in amazement. ‘Even though you worked here?’

  ‘No. None of us working in my section have been involved in any part of the project’ said Taylor. ‘There are different levels of security clearance embedded in our ID chips and as a mere Grade 3b programmer I’m not allowed access to the upper levels of this building where the bomb was being developed’. Taylor stood up and began to pace the room, which wasn’t easy as most of the floor space was covered in junk. ‘We’ve got to consider our next course of action — and quickly. Let’s see what we’ve got’.

  Counting on his fingers Taylor began summarising the status as he saw it. ‘Point one, we know about the weapons and where they’re currently stored in this building. Point two, you’ve still got your freedom…’

  ‘Very limited freedom’, interjected Dick, rubbing his crotch to make it look like the unbelievably painful wasp stings he received during his torture were still causing him a high degree of discomfort.

  ‘Granted, but at least you’re not dead or imprisoned’, Taylor added, ‘And that means, point three; you can still potentially stop the launch or at least disable the bombs’.

  ‘You forgot point four: how the fuck am I going to do that? The bombs are kept in a locked room protected round the clock by two armed guards and the only people who can access them are Maxx or Hargreaves via a retina scan’, Dick said dejectedly, adding for good measure, ‘And they’ll soon be ready, primed and transported to multiple launch sites’.

  ‘I see’. Taylor rubbed his chin, deep in thought. Then he rubbed his chin some more before finally saying, ‘That means we need to put point five into effect’.

  ‘And that is…?’ Dick asked.

  ‘Our plan’.

  Now it was time for Dick to rub his chin. I don’t mean that Dick rubbed Taylor’s chin. That would be odd and quite disturbing. No. Dick rubbed his own chin. ‘So, you’ve got a plan, eh?’

  It turned out that Taylor did. He outlined the basics to Dick and the two of them fleshed it out, there and then. As plans went it seemed to work in principle, but then again, most plans do. This plan required Taylor’s technical skills and Dick’s ability to move within the research facility without arousing too much suspicion. The biggest stumbling point was getting access to the bombs. Neither of them could figure a way of doing that discretely, so both agreed to sleep on the problem.

  Taylor looked at his pocket watch. ‘Right. It’s ten minutes to four. I’ll show you where the main test lab is then I’ve got to go. Come back here tomorrow morning at nine. Tell Hargreaves that you want to continue our discussion’.

  ‘But he might not want me to’, suggested Dick.

  ‘I know Hargreaves’, said Taylor confidently. ‘He’ll be under immense pressure from the Leader to finalise every single detail for the launch; to check, cross-check and cross-cross-check everything so that absolutely
nothing goes wrong. The last person he wants interfering in anything or bothering him is you. Say you want to keep out of his way for the day and he’ll breathe a huge sigh of relief and send you on your way with his blessing. I guarantee it’.

  ‘Nine it is then’, said Dick as they both set off for the test lab.

  CHAPTER 32

  The Leader looked Dick up and down when he entered the test lab then turned to Hargreaves.

  ‘I was wrong. He’s still wearing them’.

  Dick looked confused. Maxx turned back and smiled.

  ‘Your pants. I understand one of Dr. Hargreave’s technicians was giving you an impromptu lecture all about Jack’s programming. I said I bet he bores your pants off’.

  Dick gave Maxx an earnest look. ‘Actually it really put the whole operation into perspective. It was fascinating understanding how and why Jack acted and reacted the way he did, but we ran out of time just when we got to debugging and static memory testing. If it’s all right with you I’d like to finish the discussion tomorrow morning. I told Kelvin I’d obviously have to get your consent’.

  Hargreaves looked at the Leader who looked at Dick through slightly closed eyes. If eyes could speak these were the sort of eyes that would say, ‘Are you bullshitting me?’

  Dick added, ‘Of course if it’s not OK then that’s fine. I’d be more than happy to shadow Dr. Hargreaves so I can learn what’s going on’.

  Maxx considered the options. ‘Well, as long as you don’t distract this technician from his duties and Dr. Hargreaves is happy with this arrangement, then finish off your discussion’.

  Dr. Hargreaves couldn’t wait to nod his approval. ‘This particular member of staff isn’t involved in the bomb project at all. It’s all right’.

  ‘Splendid’, said Maxx. ‘Then let’s get on with the demonstration’. He clapped his hands together loudly. ‘Let’s see the guinea pigs!’.

  On this cue shutters opened in the far wall of the test lab to reveal a large plate glass window. Maxx, Carter, Harvgreaves and three other technicians walked over to the window and peered in. Dick followed and pressed his nose to the glass. He was looking into a small adjacent room but there were no guinea pigs in it, just rabbits. There were about twenty of them wearing blue and pink collars to signify their gender. While a few were scampering around, the majority were doing what they do best. Humping. Like rabbits. While Hargreaves consulted his colleagues over some technical issues, Maxx explained to Dick that they were re-testing the strength of gamma radiation the bomb would release. This needed to be strong enough to cause almost sudden and permanent impotence without causing any other serious side effects. What Dick was about to witness was one of the last trials.

  ‘You’re going to dose the rabbits with radiation?’ asked Dick, adding, with a sense of alarm in his voice, ‘Now. With us here?’

  ‘Yes’, said Maxx. ‘Just a small controlled burst. Don’t worry, the wall is lead-lined and the glass has a reflective coating. The radiation can’t affect you’. He laughed. ‘You still have one day of non-impotence left. I would say ‘make the most of it’, but stuck here in this facility, it rather limits the possibility!’

  He laughed some more and slapped Dick on the back but Dick failed to see the joke. Dr. Hargreaves walked over to a small control panel by the window and spoke in a low nasal monotone into a microphone.

  ‘Verification test 114.1. Radiation type Gamma Delta 53. Two second burst. Cameras rolling’.

  He turned a large red switch and Dick peered through the glass. Nothing happened. Well not at first, but after about thirty seconds the rabbits that had been mating had separated. Dick peered through then glass more intently and saw that an obvious change had occurred to the rabbits wearing the blue collars. Before the experiment they looked happy and perky. Now they all shared the same sad, bewildered and bemused expression. The sort of expression, Dick imagined, you’d have if you were dedicating the rest of your life to making models out of matchsticks, or worshipping god. The look of someone who’d suddenly lost every single ounce of his sex drive.

  ‘Excellent. Excellent’, said Maxx.

  He turned to Dick but found he was no longer standing next to him. Dick was sitting on a chair in the corner of the room, holding his head in his hands.

  - - o O o - -

  There was little Dick could do without Taylor so he decided to get an early night and wake up refreshed, ready for action. Maxx had told him that work on the bombs would continue throughout the night, that final checks would be completed by midday and that then they would be transported to the various launch sites up and down the country. The launch was scheduled for 10pm. Dick wondered if Maxx had lied about this and would suddenly announce he was bringing the launch forward just like he’d recently done. However, with the amount of work and testing seemingly still to be carried out, he doubted if this was physically possible.

  Dick slept badly that night, tortured by a series of unpleasant dreams, metaphors for his impending fate. In all these dreams he was naked. He saw himself at various times sliding down a banister made of razor blades, trying to leap over a barbed wire fence and snagging himself – and having a piece of cheese wire wrapped around his penis and then being dragged along the ground by a hovercar.

  He slipped in and out of consciousness but awoke with a smile on his face, putting all thoughts of severed penises and ripped scrotums out of his mind. While he was asleep, being tormented by these visions, another part of his mind had worked out the missing part of the plan. He dressed, had a quick breakfast and by 8.55 was making his way down to the storeroom to seek out Taylor.

  - - o O o - -

  ‘It’s ruthless’. Taylor took a deep breath before continuing. ‘And it involves the cold-blooded murder of innocent people’.

  ‘I know’, Dick said. ‘But it’s the only way I can see the plan working. And it should be relatively easy to orchestrate. All you need to do is make use of your existing skills’.

  ‘You’re asking a hell of a lot’, Taylor said.

  ‘I assume you can do the programming?’ Dick asked.

  ‘Well I’ve got to, haven’t I?’ said Taylor.

  It was rhetorical question but Dick still answered, ‘Yes, you do’.

  Taylor estimated there was four hour’s work ahead of him and then half an hour for uploads. Dick estimated they only had two hours to do this. Taylor swore. Dick felt that the short time they had left could actually work in their favour as it meant that Maxx’s and Hargreave’s concentration would be focused completely on the impending launch – not on where Dick was, or what he might be doing.

  While Taylor inputted lines and lines of unintelligible code from a portable terminal, Dick held the door ajar and kept watch, mindful of anyone paying them a surprise visit. Fortunately they weren’t disturbed and just after half past eleven Taylor unplugged the cable interface from the back of Jack’s head and let out a sigh.

  ‘This is our one chance Dick, our only hope of stopping Maxx. And I’ve had no option but to rush the programming!’, Taylor warned. ‘I haven’t been able to run tests or cross-checks. There’s no knowing what could happen when he’s activated!’

  Dick knew time was of the essence. As Taylor was worrying about his programming skills he felt under Jack’s collar and activated the small switch. There was a reassuring click and Dick stepped back.

  Nothing.

  He clicked the switch off and on. Then again. Nothing. He clicked it several times in quick succession but Jack stood there, ironically, completely stiff.

  ‘I don’t understand’, said Taylor. ‘He’s been fully charged. He should just power up’.

  Dick clicked the switch off and on again and on getting no response, frustratingly kicked Jack in the backside. Jack’s eyes blinked opened and the initially faint but then distinctive smell of hydraulic fluid filled the room as the liquid began to circulate around his body.

  ‘Let’s get this fun over with’, said Dick. He shook Taylor’s hand and t
he two men watched in nervous amazement as Jack made his way to the door in silence, opened it, and walked along the corridor taking strong, purposeful strides.

  Elsewhere in the building, somewhere on the upper levels, Maxx was having a heated exchange with Dr. Hargreaves. The doctor had explained there was a tiny, itsy-bitsy problem with a fuel vent in the propulsion system of the rockets that would carry the bombs and this was being sorted as they spoke. Or rather shouted. Maxx was stressed and anxious. The development of the Impotence Bomb had been the culmination of three years of intense development since he’d come to power. It’s what had driven him throughout all those long, barren sex-free years and now, just a few hours before launch he wasn’t going to let some stupid minor technical glitch spoil his fun. However, what was going to spoil his fun was already taking place on sub level four.

  Taylor had taken a spare white coat and had put this over Jack’s suit so he could wander around relatively anonymously. The biggest problem they had to overcome was the fact that Jack had no ID chip embedded in his fake skin, and Taylor’s chip wouldn’t permit him access above level three. This meant that when they reached a security station they’d have to rely on brute force to get through. Strictly speaking though, brute force wasn’t Jack’s thing. He was better than that. He’d been designed, built and programmed to be a discrete but effective killing machine. And today Taylor and Dick were relying on him to play that part perfectly.

  The trio approached the security station on the way to the elevator. Dick presented his ID chip and walked through the turnstile but just after he passed through he stumbled and fell. As the guard’s attention was diverted Jack struck. In a flash he’d withdrawn his knife and plunged it deep into the guard’s chest, puncturing his heart. Death was instant; the guard didn’t even have time to let out a grunt or a groan. Jack dragged the dead guard to the scanner and passed his hand over it twice so that he and Taylor could pass through. They hid the body in a janitor’s store cupboard, wiped a small spillage of blood from the clean white floor and took the elevator up nine floors to level five.