Dick Longg: Sexual Saviour of the Universe

by Mark Leigh

  Dick retraced his steps here, passing through the three security stations on the way to their final destination. Each time he diverted the guards’ attention and each time Jack struck with the same lightning speed. It was important that like their first victim, these guards were killed quickly and cleanly so they had no time to cry for help or set off an alarm. Jack varied the methods used; part of his original programming had been a full understanding of the human anatomy and Taylor had made sure that this information had been restored along with the details of his new mission. The first two guards died from knife wounds to the base of their skulls that severed their brain stems while the third was stabbed in the neck causing massive internal haemorrhaging. Dick felt a slight twinge of guilt in these killings of what were basically innocent men, but he told himself that the ends justified the means.

  There didn’t seem to be any sort of storeroom or cupboard near the third security station so they slumped the dead guard’s body back in his chair as if he was asleep on the job. Dick hoped that anyone seeing the knife wound might assume that the guard had a particularly hairy neck and had cut himself shaving. With Jack and Taylor hanging back, Dick turned the final corner and saw the two armed guards on duty in front of the locked door that protected the bombs. The guards tensed and reached for their guns as he approached.

  ‘Hello. I’m Jeremy Brunel’, said Dick.

  ‘We know’, said Guard One.

  ‘The Leader said I could look around this facility’.

  ‘We know that too’, said Guard Two.

  ‘Good, well in that case’, Dick said, gesturing to the locked room, ‘I need to look inside. I’m helping with a technical issue’.

  ‘I’m afraid that’s impossible, Mr. Brunel’, said Guard One, ‘The lock can only be opened by the Leader or Dr. Hargreaves’.

  ‘Damn!’, said Dick trying to look disappointed. ‘I don’t really want to disturb the leader as he’s really, really busy, so can you call Dr. Hargreaves and let me talk to him’.

  Guard Two sighed then got on his radio, demonstrating the familiar reluctance to help that seems inbred within security personnel. It seemed like an eternity before he reached the doctor. Dick took the handset and turning away from the guard, spoke in a low voice.

  ‘Doctor Hargreaves… yes, everything’s fine… Listen, if the Leader is with you don’t tell him what I’m about to say… Just listen… Kelvin Huntley is going to blackmail you. He’s shown me evidence and is about to go public. Something about a research grant… Calm down! I know a way to resolve this quickly without the Leader finding out, but you need to meet me now… Yes… OK… I’ll stay here’.

  Smiling, Dick handed the radio back to the guard. The ruse had worked. He had no idea if or how Hargreaves could be blackmailed but he figured that all scientists misused funds now and again — and the obviously worried Hargreaves turned out to be no exception. For all Hargreaves knew, Dick was waiting for him alone. He had absolutely no idea that Taylor and Jack were waiting in the wings, ready to make their move.

  This move was made with Jack’s usual speed and panache. He ran around the corner and before the guards knew what was happening or could sound the alert his hands had moved with their usual deftness. The last thing the guards saw was a flash of bright steel slicing through the air. The last thing they felt was the sudden sharp pain of stab wounds to their vital organs. The sound of these two dead guards slumping to the ground was the sign for Taylor to show himself and for Jack and him to strip the guards and put on their uniforms.

  It was unfortunate that the guards on duty that day weren’t blessed with an excess of height. Taylor and Jack were both tall men and they looked silly wearing their new clothes. Their jacket sleeves finished two inches shy of their wrists, while their trouser hems looked like they’d had a fierce argument with their shoes. Jack, with his muscled physique looked the most ridiculous, threatening to erupt from its confines of his uniform at any moment. Dick hoped that Hargreaves wouldn’t notice these sartorial blunders and in fact, he didn’t. He didn’t even notice the fact that there were guards missing from the first two security posts he hurried through on that floor, or that the third guard was seemingly asleep at his post.

  He arrived outside the locked door out of breath. ‘What on earth has Huntley been saying about me?’, he asked with an air of panic in his voice. ‘You said something about the research budget, well I can easily account for the missing funds…’ He glanced at the guards and exclaimed, ‘Wait! That man…’. Then he said, ‘Humphhh…. Humphhh…’

  Jack had stepped forward, covering Hargreaves’ mouth with one hand, holding him securely round the chest with the other. The doctor now recognised Jack and Kelvin and since he couldn’t speak, could only express extreme surprise with his eyes.

  ‘Right’, Dick said. ‘We’re going to release you on the condition that you remain here, speak only in a whisper and follow every one of our orders. If you co-operate you’ll live. If you don’t, then Jack will remove your liver and pancreas and force them down your throat so you suffocate. If you understand say ‘Humphhh’’. Hargreaves made the appropriate noise. Dick nodded to Jack who released his grip on the doctor.

  ‘First, give me your coat’, ordered Dick.

  ‘Hold on. That’s not part of the plan’, protested Taylor as Hargreaves hurriedly removed his coat.

  ‘I know’, said Dick as he began to put it on. ‘It’s just that I’ve always wanted one of these and it seems right and just that I take this one – even if it is a bit snug’. Turning to Hargreaves Dick said, ‘We want you to open the door’.

  ‘Never’, said Dr. Hargreaves.

  ‘Shhhhhhhhhh!’, said Taylor.

  ‘Never’, repeated Dr. Hargreaves again, this time at a quieter level that wouldn’t attract unwanted attention. ‘If I let you in you’ll just destroy the bombs!’

  ‘Really Dr. Hargreaves’, said Taylor. ‘We thought you’d do better than that. Just think what will happen to you if you don’t do as we say’. Jack silently removed his knife and wiped some remaining blood on the jacket he was wearing.

  ‘If I don’t do what you say then you’ll kill me’, a defiant Hagreaves replied. ‘And if I do what you say, the Leader will kill me’. With a scientist’s natural logic Dr. Hargreaves summed up the situation perfectly, adding as his conclusion, ‘ Therefore it doesn’t really matter what you do to me’.

  Taylor and Dick were slightly taken aback. ‘And if I’m dead how are you going to open the doors? Remember the retina scanner will only recognise myself or the Leader, and I can guarantee that the Leader will never listen to your demands! And here he comes now!’

  Taylor, Dick and Jack suddenly looked down the corridor. At the same time Hargreaves decided to try and escape. Predictably, a scientist, even a chief one, was no match for an agile mechanical killing machine. Hargreaves barely reached the corner before Jack grappled him to the ground, then pinned him down by sitting on his chest. Hargreaves tried to scratch Jack’s face, throwing punches at him like a girl. He managed to shout for help just once before Jack stopped him in the quickest way he knew; severing his throat and simultaneously, his carotid artery. Blood shot up into the air and all over Jack, who fulfilled his programming by removing Hargreaves’ organs and stuffing them in his mouth, although the liver kept falling through the gaping hole in his throat and Jack had to keep putting it back. Taylor and Dick witnessed the whole disturbing scene with mixed emotions: horror, fascination and satisfaction. ‘OK Jack’, said Dick, ‘Finish the job’. Then to Taylor, ‘This is the part I just can’t watch’.

  Moments later the three men were standing outside the door.

  ‘Open it please, Jack’. Jack held his hand up to the scanner, gently offering up Dr. Hargreaves’ recently removed eyeball. A few drops of blood splattered on the floor. A thin beam of white light began its scan, moving up and down behind the small screen but no familiar bleep followed.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ asked Dick, with a slight pani
c in his voice. ‘Why isn’t it working? Try it again!’

  Jack held the eyeball in front of the scanner once more, but with no success.

  ‘Perhaps a removed eyeball won’t work?’ offered Taylor in a slightly panicked voice. ‘Maybe it needs a blood supply’.

  ‘Great. Just great’, said Dick. ‘Here’s exhibit “a”, the eyeball and over there, ten feet away, is exhibit “b”, the eyeball’s former owner. Note the absence of a blood supply between “a” and “b”’.

  ‘There’s no need to be sarcastic!’, said Taylor, and just as he did so, the slippery eyeball fell through Jack’s fingers and on to the floor.

  It bounced unpredictably a few times causing Taylor and Dick to hop around in an attempt to avoid it. In an unfortunate moment of mis-timing Dick put his left foot back on the ground just as the eyeball rolled under it. There was a squelching sound, the sound only a squashed eyeball could make.

  ‘Now we’re in trouble’, said Taylor.

  Dick looked at the sole of his shoe and wished he hadn’t. He’d rather have stepped in dog shit with the viscosity of tar and the stickiness of superglue.

  ‘I’ve got an idea’, he said. ‘Jack, get me the other eyeball’.

  Jack dutifully went to work and removed Hargreave’s other eyeball, offering it to the scanner exactly as before. The light beam moved up and down the eye, then stopped. After what seemed like an eternity, but which was, in reality, only about a second, there was a confirmatory bleep followed by the reassuring buzz and whirr of the lock.

  ‘How were we to know it only worked on the right eye?’, asked Dick. Taylor breathed a sigh of relief as he, Dick and Jack entered, Jack dragging Hargreaves’ lifeless and now eyeless body with him.

  ‘How long do you think it’ll be before Hargreaves is missed?’ asked Taylor.

  ‘Well’, said Dick. ‘Given Maxx’s probable severe state of anxiety, I’d say, about ten minutes ago. We’ve got to do this fast’.

  While Jack used his jacket to try and clean the blood from the floor outside the room Taylor and Dick set to work behind the closed door. All the suitcases were locked so Taylor had to unpick them one by one adding considerable time to the exercise, time that was definitely not on their side.

  CHAPTER 33

  Insulated from the outside sounds by the heavy door they failed to hear loud shouts and a succession of guns being fired. What they did hear though was the familiar bleep, buzz and whirr of the lock.

  ‘Jack!’ shouted Dick as the door swung open. ‘What’s wrong?’

  Maxx stepped in, closely followed by an entourage of armed security guards and technicians.

  ‘Jack is wrong’, he said, gesturing with his gun, ‘And you know what? I don’t think he’ll ever be right’.

  Facing an assortment of gun barrels, Dick and Taylor decided that discretion was definitely the better part of valour. Holding their hands above their heads they stood up rather sheepishly as if they’d been caught doing something very bad (which is of course exactly what they’d been doing). The door was now wide open and Dick could see Jack lying in a pool of his own hydraulic fluid. There was a smouldering hole in his head and two more in his chest.

  ‘Arrest these men!’, shouted Maxx in the time-honoured tradition of the cliché. ‘And check for damage!’

  Guards and technicians ran into the room all at the same time, which wasn’t really a good idea as there wasn’t enough room for everyone. In the confusion the guards handcuffed Taylor and a technician and dragged them out, while Dick found himself examining the bombs. The error was soon spotted however and the technician and Dick changed places.

  ‘Well?’ roared Maxx. ‘What have these traitors done?’

  The head technician looked up from the bomb he was examining and nervously answered, ‘They’ve disabled the priming circuits’.

  ‘On all of them?’, asked Maxx angrily.

  ‘Possibly sir’, said the technician. ‘But it’s an easy repair to do. We can have them all checked and fixed in thirty minutes’.

  ‘You’ve got ten’, said Maxx. ‘Starting now!’.

  He breathed in deeply and counted aloud. After a while he stopped. ‘I’m calmer now. You may have just noticed that I counted slowly up to twelve not ten. Do you know why I counted to twelve?’

  ‘To make you even calmer?’ Dick speculated.

  Maxx kneed him in the balls and Dick doubled in agony. ‘No, you fuckwit! I was counting the number of Impotence Bombs that will be launched soon, fixed and on schedule’ he turned to Taylor, also being held by guards and kneed him squarely in the balls as well. ‘I don’t know who you are and I really don’t care. What I do know though, is that you’re both idiots thinking your amateur sabotage wouldn’t go unnoticed’. Chuckling to himself Maxx continued. ‘Disabling the priming circuits indeed!’

  Turning to face Dick, Maxx added, ‘You disappoint me. You’ve let me down. When you cracked under the threat of torture…’

  ‘The actual torture you mean’, replied Dick. ‘The actual torture that was actually and really carried out. With those terrifying wasps’.

  Maxx ignored him and continued. ‘…I gave you a second chance. A chance to help rule our new empire. And now you’ve gone and thrown it all away. And all because you’ve let your dick rule your head. Do you know what I’m going to do to you Dick?’

  ‘Does it by any chance involve your knee and my testicles?’, asked Dick, knowing full well the answer.

  ‘Yes it does’, said Maxx, carrying out the action. As Dick doubled up again Maxx took out his gun and aimed it at Dick’s groin. ‘But I’m also going to kill you and your friend so you no longer pose any sort of threat to me in the future, however small’.

  To Dick and Taylor’s immense surprise and relief, Maxx put the gun away. Smiling he said, ‘But before I do that, I still want you to have the honour of launching the bombs and experience impotence for yourself, first hand. I wouldn’t want death to deprive you of that!’. Maxx addressed the guards. ‘Keep these two securely locked up and bring them to the command centre just before ten’.

  As the guards dragged Dick and Taylor away Maxx added, ‘And keep them separated. This time I’m not taking any chances’.

  - - o O o - -

  A handcuffed Taylor and Dick were brought into the command centre at five to ten. It looked a bit like Houston Mission Control, Dick thought, albeit on a far smaller scale. Male and female technicians sat at consoles, flicking switches, turning dials and watching monitors. Maxx was seated on a sort of small podium where he could see all the various screens around the room while Carter was standing alert to his right.

  ‘Gentlemen’, he said smugly. ‘Lose those long faces. We’re about to make history. You should be happy!’

  ‘I’m about to become impotent and then you’re going to kill me. I’m sorry if I don’t find that a joyous occasion’, said Dick despondently. Maxx pondered this for a moment.

  ‘Hmmmm. Perhaps you’re right’. He shrugged his shoulders. ‘Anyway, you’ll be delighted to hear that we checked and fixed the priming circuits on each of the bombs. These have all been loaded on to the solid fuel booster rockets and transported to the various launch sites. There’s only one thing we’re waiting for. You’.

  ‘What happens if I don’t want to launch the bombs?’, enquired Dick.

  ‘Well, as you’re going to be killed anyway there’s no reason not to do it. However, if you do refuse then I’ll just launch them myself. Jesus Christ, Dick! You might as well have your moment of glory by pressing the damn fucking button!’

  Dick looked at Taylor who shrugged. ‘He’s right Dick. Someone’s got to do it. It might as well be you’.

  ‘OK’, said Dick. But can you release us from these cuffs? If I’m going to be the man who launched the Impotence Bombs and changed the world, at least let me do it with a little semblance of dignity’.

  Maxx sighed. ‘Very well’, he said to his guards. ‘But keep your guns trained on them at all times. I
f they make any sudden moves, just shoot to kill. I’m past caring’.

  Dick and Taylor were released from their handcuffs and, under the watchful eyes of trigger-happy guards, took their places next to the podium. All eyes were on a large wall clock as a technician counted them down.

  ‘Bomb launch in thirty seconds… primers on. Fuel vents open… Guidance radar locked… launch in twenty seconds…’

  Dick looked at Taylor, then at the big green button in front of him, then at a rather bosomy technician holding a clipboard who he didn’t notice when he came in.

  ‘…in ten seconds… All systems go… Gantries removed…’

  Dick flexed his fingers, then made a fist with his right hand. He stared at Maxx who just smiled,

  ‘…in five… four… three…’

  Dick clenched his fist even tighter.

  ‘…two… one…’

  Dick brought his fist down on the green button.

  ‘Bombs launched!’

  Yelps and cheers filled the room. Three people wearing hats threw them into the air. The one person wearing a wig threw that in the air. Anyone without a hat or a wig just jumped up and down in celebration. Maxx grabbed Dick by the shoulders and kissed him energetically on both cheeks. He shook Taylor’s hand vigorously, and beamed proudly at his staff.

  The monitors displayed images of the twelve missiles carrying the bombs blasting off from their launch sites. There were absolutely no problems or glitches as they simultaneously arced gracefully and serenely into the clear night sky. Dick thought it was odd watching them so remotely. You couldn’t hear the roar of the rocket engines or feel the shudder or vibrations from the launch pads. Seeing them on the screens made Dick feel strangely detached from the whole event. The excitement had died down as the technician began his second countdown. This next stage in the launch process was automatic. Dick had done his job. All he had to do next was wait for the warheads to explode and feel the effects of the radiation.