In an Instant

by Adrienne Torrisi

  “Not yet.” Cam’s voice is hoarse and raw, and his head is buried in his hands. He doesn’t even look up at Dax.

  “But she needs to know,” Dax responds more emphatically.

  They are talking low. My only hope is one of them will say what it is they shouldn’t tell me.

  “This doesn’t make any sense. He just played the best game of his life a few hours ago,” Dax continues, and Cam gives him a look that tells him to shut up.

  It’s then that I see what a mess Cam is. His eyes are brimming with tears, his leg is bouncing a mile a minute, and his focus is somewhere far away. He’s physically in this room, but something has pushed his mind miles away.

  “Dammit!” he shouts as he pushes his fingers through his hair, dropping his head back into his hands. I notice his hand is bloody and bandaged, but he seems oblivious.

  “You’ve got to stop. This is not your fault. You need to pull it together. You’re not helping anyone like this,” Dax demands.

  There is a long stretch of silence between them.

  We have all grown up together, and Cam has always been resilient, the protector of our crew. Tonight, he is helpless, and he can’t handle that.

  Cam finally breaks the silence. “I can’t believe they are talking about organ donation with his fucking parents,” he whispers more to himself, deep in thought. I’m not sure he even realizes he said it out loud.

  My stomach drops, and I feel like I’m going to be sick. Who? I want to scream. Who? God, I need to know. Please don’t let it be Jake. But if it’s not Jake, it’s Marcus, and I could never live with myself if something happened to him after these last few weeks with me and Jake lying to everyone.

  My head starts to spin, and it suddenly feels like my brain weighs a hundred pounds. It’s so heavy there is no way my neck could ever support it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t even care. I need to know what is going on.

  I try with everything I have to actually open my eyes.

  “Dani. Shit. What’s happening?” I hear Cam say, hating the fear in his voice.

  I’m here. I’m fine. Or am I?

  Then I hear voices I don’t recognize. From the words they are saying, I’m pretty sure they are doctors.

  “Boys, we’re going to need you to step out of the room now.” The voice is calm.

  “No. We’re not leaving. What is happening to her?” Dax says, and I’m impressed by how in control he is.

  “Sir, I can’t share that information with you because you’re not family. I promise you we’re taking good care of her.”

  “Her mom sucks. We are her family!” Cam shouts. He’s on the brink of losing it completely.

  “Not in the eyes of the law.” The woman’s voice is sterner. “You need to step out of the room so we can help her.”

  I feel hands on my chest, checking something; I’m not sure what. The tubes attached to me are being pulled, and there is a loud beeping noise that won’t stop. I’m trying so hard to fight it, but the abyss is back, and it’s pulling me under again.

  I finally have to give in and go there. There is no fight left. I can’t find my way back to my hospital room. It’s warm, quiet, and safe here, though. I feel safe, and even if it’s a false sense of security, I allow it to envelope me.

  ***

  I have no idea how long it’s been since the last time I was this close to the surface. I know I could open my eyes to see who is around me again. However, I don’t hear anyone, so there’s no reason to try.

  Then I hear soft breathing and feel a hand in mine. The touch is gentle, and for one second, I think it is Jake, so I turn to him, somehow seeing even though I know my eyes aren’t really open.

  It’s Nate, and Hanna is with him.

  Her eyes are red and swollen, as they always are when she has been crying. I hate how upset she is. I want to tell her I’m fine, but I’m not sure about anything anymore.

  Where are Cam and Dax? How long has it been since the last time I was here? Nate and Hanna are wearing the same clothes they were wearing tonight, but has it been minutes? Hours?

  My head still feels like a giant weight is attached to it, but it’s no longer spinning, so that’s a positive.

  “I talked to my mom, D. You are going to be fine. You’re just pretty beat up… You have a nasty concussion and had to get a lot of stitches. But I know you. You’re a fighter.” He squeezes my hand firmly, and the beeping gets louder.

  It’s strange. It’s like I have no control over my own body. I want to hug them both and ease Hanna’s concern. I want to tell Nate I can hear him. I just have no idea how to do that.

  He continues, “They’ve been sedating you pretty heavily to help you rest, so I’m not sure if you can hear us.”

  Thank you, Nate! That explains why I’m sometimes here and sometimes not.

  I want to ask him about everyone else. Please talk about everyone else. I need to know.

  It’s as if Hanna heard me because she scoots closer. “D, Mel is in surgery, but she’s tough. I know she’ll pull through.”

  Nate rubs her back with his free hand as she tries to maintain the strength in her voice. It is then that I see something that I have never noticed when I was awake. Nate cares about Hanna. The look in his eyes when he looks at her is not a friend look, and his gentle caress screams he wants more.

  He smiles at her. It’s a reassuring kind of smile, and then he starts in.

  “Cam is going to be fine, just a few broken fingers and cuts, so he’s getting stitches right now. Luckily, his dad and grandpa called in some favors, so no blood tests were taken. It’s being looked at as strictly an accident.” Nate looks at Hanna, giving her a small smile.

  We all know there was alcohol involved. I’m just grateful that, if someone had to be driving, it was Cam. His grandfather practically owns this town, so if anyone were going to sweep things under the rug, it would be him.

  I’m relieved for Cam. He has enough issues with his dad. Plus, I have no idea what something like this would do to his college offers.

  This was all of our faults. We are all guilty. It’s not fair for Cam to take the fall.

  I want to ask about Jake and Marcus. Why didn’t they say anything about them? I’m getting frustrated that my words won’t come out, that I can’t break this invisible film separating me from the real world. Why didn’t they mention Jake or Marcus?

  Chapter Eight

  Two months ago – January – District Championships

  The boys played in their first district championship game tonight. There are eight teams who made it to districts. It’s single round elimination, so the winner of each game moves on; the losers go home.

  Our boys annihilated the other team tonight. The final was 106 to 76. Jake was incredible.

  It’s been exactly one week since Jake and I had the most amazing, confusing night of my life.

  In secret, we were finally truly honest with one another. Now there is a volcanic type of explosion of feelings inside of me every time I’m near him, which is a lot, so it’s getting difficult to control.

  Out in the open, it’s life as usual. Jake is with Mel, and I’m with Marcus.

  Every time I see Jake’s hand intertwined with Mel’s or his arm draped around her at school, a little part of me shrivels up and dies. I know that sounds dramatic. However, that is honestly what it feels like.

  As for me, I’m still with Marcus, who is amazing, which only increases the guilt washing over me at the moment.

  I catch glances from Jake across the hall, looks he has never given me before or at least looks I have never noticed. His smile. His dimples. The way his eyes dance over me. It’s unbelievable that all of our friends seem oblivious when, to me, it’s so obvious. I can no longer hide my feelings.

  Once I’m home, I take a cold shower to try to numb all of the feelings that have surfaced. They need to go away. They need to be pushed back down deep inside.

  I have always heard guys talk about taking
a cold shower, but honestly, it’s doing nothing other than stinging my skin with each drop. It’s certainly not helping with anything else. Guys are crazy.

  I’m shivering uncontrollably, my teeth are chattering, and the only thing that is numb is my skin. It’s doing nothing for my desire or longing for Jake.

  I squeeze my eyes shut to try to block out how cold the water is to see if it can work its supposed magic, and then I feel warm hands on my skin. Great, now I’m hallucinating, or could the water really be working?

  Suddenly, I’m placed against the tile by these large, warm hands embracing my arms. This cannot be the water. Maybe I lost consciousness and I’m dreaming. But then I hear it—his voice.

  “I couldn’t wait.” I feel his soft lips on mine before he quickly pulls back. “What the fuck, Dani? This water is freezing.”

  “I know,” I whisper, opening my eyes to take him in, still unsure if this is a fantasy or my body going into shock. “I blame you.” I give him a knowing smile.

  He lets out a loud laugh, which reminds me we aren’t alone.

  “My mom is home.”

  “So? She loves me.” He shrugs with a wicked smile.

  “That, she does.” I smile as I study him, still uncertain if he’s actually here.

  “Plus, she was in her room. She didn’t see me. And what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. Let’s warm things up a bit.” He leans into me, and that’s when I realize he’s completely naked. I look past him to see his clothes in a pile on the floor.

  The sting of the cold disappears as the warmth of his body radiates through me. I have wanted to do this all week. I’m so happy it’s happening again because I wasn’t sure if it ever would.

  We run our hands over each other, his body pressing farther into mine as he pushes us into the tile. Then he lifts me up, and I wrap my legs around him as the water trickles down. I’m not sure if it’s our body heat or if he somehow turned on the warm water. Regardless, there is definite steam filling the shower now.

  “You were great tonight,” I say between kisses, never wanting this moment to end.

  “Thanks. The team was great.” He smiles through our kiss. He’s never been one to take a compliment or credit. It’s always the team. Always.

  “Where does Mel think you are?” I hate bringing her up, but I can’t help it. She’s always in the back of my mind when we are together, and as much as I love being with Jake, there is always a blanket of guilt wrapped around us.

  “Same place Marcus thinks you are—home.”

  I smile. “I am home.”

  “So am I.”

  Jake traces my jaw with his strong hands then pushes them through my soaked hair. He gently grabs the back of my head as his lips find mine again. There is so much energy, so much desire passing between us.

  His warm breath caresses my neck, brushes over my lips, and then he pulls back ever so slightly, revealing his smile, his dimples.

  My stomach turns over with excitement.

  I need him.

  I want him.

  He runs his hands down my sides as he holds me up, pulling me closer to him. Each move is filled with urgency, but it’s still slow, deliberate. He knows what he wants, and he’s going for it. I let him take the lead, willing to go wherever he wants to with this, saying a silent thank you that I’m on the pill.

  With one strong thrust, he’s inside of me, and my world explodes with pleasure. This feels so right; how can any of it be wrong?

  “I love you, Daniela,” he breathlessly whispers, and I melt. Literally melt.

  He rarely uses my full name, and it sounds glorious leaving his lips. Those same lips find mine, and I press myself into him.

  We quickly find a rhythm, our bodies perfectly in sync. Then a surge of elation courses through both of us.

  “I love you, too,” I say, so breathless I’m not sure if the words actually come out. Then I feel his smile on my neck as his kisses trail across it, and I know he heard me.

  This was so unexpected. Here I was, trying to forget him, and instead, he is giving me something I will never forget.

  Chapter Nine

  Present – Hospital

  I open my eyes and it feels different. I think I’m really awake this time. I look up to see a bag of blood and a bag of liquid hanging above me. I follow the tubes to see they are attached to my arm. It’s surreal, as if it’s not my arm.

  I feel nothing. There are machines filled with beeps and lights, but I am unfazed by all of it. If I allow myself to absorb what is happening, the overwhelming suffocation starts to creep up my throat like a boa constrictor. My chest is already getting tight, and I can’t catch my breath. It’s strange that I’m still able to breathe. It must be the tubes in my nose.

  With each second, I’m starting to feel more, and I don’t want to. I liked the limbo I was in before.

  My head feels heavy. I can’t possibly lift it. Yet I need to push everything away: the pain, the fear. What is important is finding out the truth. I need to know what is happening with everyone else.

  I try to sit up, and I see Jake. It can’t be real, but it is. He’s here in my room, sitting next to me.

  He touches my hand with his, and I feel my tears welling up. How is this possible? I saw him next to the car. I saw the paramedics pounding on his chest. I saw him lying there lifelessly.

  He moves his thumb over my cheek then traces the bandages covering my forehead.

  I try to talk, but I can’t. He doesn’t say anything, either, yet the love that fills his expression is enough to give me the strength to fight. I need to stay strong for him. He needs me.

  “We’ve got her back.”

  I hear a voice I don’t recognize. It pulls me away from somewhere deep. I don’t know where I was, but I want to go back. I want to be with Jake, wherever he is.

  His touch felt so real, so soft, so perfect. But reality starts to sink in, and I’m pulled all the way to the surface.

  My eyes fly open. I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. Everything is exactly how it was before: the bag of blood and liquid, the machines, the beeps. Now, though, there is a room full of people, none of whom I recognize. They are all wearing white lab coats like Nate’s mom was earlier.

  “Daniella, you just gave us quite a scare.” Nate’s mom comes into view. Her voice is soothing and secure.

  My chest feels like it’s caving in, yet I’m breathing. I’m awake, and I am breathing.

  “You’re okay. We just needed to pull you out of sedation. You were having a reaction to the medicine we gave you.”

  I turn my head to see Cam standing in the background. His eyes are swollen and bloodshot, and he’s biting his nails. Classic Cam when he’s nervous.

  I hate that he has been crying. I hate even more that I don’t know why.

  “Just a few minutes, Cam.” Nate’s mom gives him a head nod with a smile as the rest of the doctors start to clear out.

  “Thanks, Mrs. Collins,” Cam says, returning her nod.

  She gives me a small, empathetic smile then checks the beeping machine with one more glance before she leaves.

  “Hey, D,” Cam says as he pulls a chair next to my bed. “It’s good to see you.” There is sadness in his eyes that makes my stomach turn over. I have never seen this look in Cam’s eyes. He’s always full of energy, the life of the party. “You’ve given me, like, a million scares tonight. How are you feeling?” he asks with trepidation. I can tell there is a giant elephant in the room. There is so much more he wants to say.

  I don’t know how I feel. My head still feels like there is a hundred-pound weight attached to it, but it’s the unknown that is churning my stomach, and by the look on his face, Cam is shielding me from the truth.

  “Please tell me,” I say.

  His brows furrow. He knows what I mean, but his look tells me he’s playing dumb. “We won the race.” He gives a small laugh. “And you’re going to be fine.” He lifts his hand to grab mine, and I notice his le
ft hand and wrist are wrapped up. He has a small gash on his forehead, too, but it doesn’t look like it needed stitches. Otherwise, he is unscathed.

  I squeeze my eyes shut, finding the strength from deep within to ask something I already know I’m going to despise the answer to. “Please, Cam. Tell me the truth.”

  As he caresses the bandage on my forehead, I can see a sheen of tears forming in his eyes. “You had to get a lot of stitches, and you have a really nasty concussion. You’re pretty banged up, so they were keeping you heavily sedated to help your body heal, but turns out, you’re allergic to whatever they gave you last, and we almost lost you. Like, your heart stopped, Dani. Your fucking heart stopped, and I was here. The doctors came rushing in …” He shakes his head as if he can’t say anymore.

  I don’t even feel the weight of his words. It’s too much to comprehend. Plus, I’m focused on finding out what is happening with Jake and Marcus since no one will talk about them.

  “Please tell me.”

  He angrily pushes away from the bed and stands up. I know none of this is good. If it were, he would have already told me. I need to know how bad.

  He pushes his fingers through his dark blond hair and pulls on the ends, focusing on everything in the room except me. His eyes finally meet mine, his tears now clear. With a blink, they slide down his cheeks, and he quickly wipes them with the back of his hand. He shakes his head and looks back down at the linoleum floor of my room.

  “I can’t,” he whispers toward the ground.

  “Please.” I try with all of my might to sit up to show him I’m fine, that I can handle it. Then the damn rapid beeping starts again.

  Why is my body betraying me like this? I need to be strong. I feel strong, but my body is screaming something else.

  Cam runs to my bedside. “Dani, stop please. This is why. Everything is okay. You need to worry about you. Only you.” He squeezes my hand with his good hand.