The Book of Nonsense

by David Michael Slater

  “Since then, we’ve lost contact with one another. I fear all the other Councilors have perished, for as I’ve said, none of us is immortal. Children,” Ruby said, “we must get that book before it’s too late. It seems I represent the Council alone. I am counting on you both, and I do not exaggerate when I say the fate of the world hangs in the balance.”

  Simultaneously, the twins swallowed lumps in their throats. They remained silent a moment before a question occurred to Dexter.

  “Ruby,” he said softly, “our Mom—you said you knew her by another name. What was it?”

  “Why, haven’t you guessed?” Ruby asked, looking surprised but smiling. “It was Sophia Logos of course.”

  bigger than him

  Brother and sister sat silently, attempting to take in this latest bombshell.

  Finally, Daphna asked, “When Rash read that article, about our mom, why did he think it was a Councilor who died?“

  “Because of where it happened,” Ruby answered. “That remote area in Turkey—those caves; they were very near where we were trained. But he couldn’t have known it was your mother. She wasn’t using her real name, and even a photo wouldn’t have mattered. Living this long changes you profoundly. Unless they kept in touch, none of the Councilors would recognize each other after so—”

  Ruby stopped short. The fire alarm was suddenly blaring in the hall. The twins stood up, frightened.

  “Probably nothing,” Ruby said, “but we better go.” She rose and led the twins out of her room and toward the emergency stairwell directly across the hall. Daphna made a mad dash for it, hoping to avoid an encounter with the Seven Dwarves. It was a good thing, too, because out of the corner of her eye, she saw Mr. Dwyfan and Mrs. Tapi puzzling over the fire alarm box in front of the lounge. They seemed baffled, as if it were a piece of technology they’d never encountered before.

  On the stairs, Daphna, Dex and Ruby ran into a group of eight rehab patients getting in some exercise. Each had some sort of wrap or sling or brace on one limb or another, and they were all clutching the railings, perspiring heavily. With the alarm, everyone was trying to reverse course all at once, so it was impossible to get around them. Further confusion ensued when, moments later, dozens more old people entered the stairs, both behind and in front.

  It took a while for a slow moving mass to begin heading for the lobby, but no one seemed particularly worried, which Daphna thought was typical. In fact, the only thing she could hear was grumbling about how much everyone was being put out. When the crowd finally reached the first floor, a wedge formed separating Dexter, Daphna and Ruby. Daphna tried to push her way forward, but it was impossible.

  “Where’s the fire, young lady?!” someone demanded.

  Daphna huffed, but didn’t push any further. She had to inch her way into the lobby, where there was near pandemonium as nurses and visitors scrambled to evacuate the rehabilitation patients, many of whom were in wheelchairs or on crutches.

  “False Alarm! False Alarm!” someone was shouting. It was Evelyn Idun. “We can all go back to our rooms in a few minutes!” she called. No one seemed to be paying her any mind.

  After a short but panicked search, Daphna found Dex, and they forged a circuitous course through the grousing crowd. They looked for Ruby, desperate for more information, but with no luck.

  A hand grabbed Daphna by the shoulder. “Daphna, honey!” It was Evelyn, appearing out of nowhere. “Oh, sweetie!” she said, “I’m so glad I caught you. A boy came here, really big, with dark glasses and an awfully pale face. He said he had to find you right away. He said there was some kind of emergency. He looked dreadfully upset. Since I never saw you come back down, I sent him up to the lounge, but I guess he missed you.”

  Daphna didn’t waste a second replying. Talking more to Ruby would have to wait. She and Dex frantically wove their way outside, barely managing to avoid trampling a little old lady and her walker along the way.

  Once outside, they sprinted off without looking back.

  Dex, running ahead of his sister, reached home first. He flew down the driveway and rounded behind the house, but he pulled up at the back door. Loud voices were audible from the kitchen: his father and Latty, back from the hospital, were arguing strenuously.

  Moments later, Daphna came tearing toward him. Dex intercepted her and led her into the garage.

  “What’s going on? Dad’s home!” Daphna said, pointing at the car in the driveway.

  “I can see that,” Dex said tersely. “Let’s wait and see what’s going on.”

  Daphna nodded. She’d lost her head for a moment. When she finally caught her breath, she said, “I guess Emmet finally figured out we stole the ledger.”

  Dex nodded. “But how would he know where you were?”

  “Rash I suppose. Dad told him I read to old folks at the local home.”

  “Emmet probably pulled the alarm so he could grab us without making a scene.”

  “Where was he then?” Daphna asked. “Dex, he probably wants to kill us. He seems as obsessed with killing someone as Rash is about this book.” Then something occurred to her. “He said Rash doesn’t hypnotize him, but maybe he just doesn’t know it. Maybe we can snap him out of it!”

  Dex couldn’t process this. All he could say was, “Mom! ”

  Daphna didn’t reply, but the look of amazement on her face was enough to show her brother the incredible news was striking her again as well. The pair paused for a moment, finally able to reflect on what they’d learned from Ruby. Their very own mother had been on the Council, and she was the one who’d foiled Rash’s plans. She’d been thousands of years old! It was still too much to comprehend, so Dex and Daphna fell into a long, thoughtful silence.

  After a minute, Dex heard himself say, “About Wren and Teal, I—”

  Daphna blinked at her brother, instantly pale. She couldn’t handle this right now. When did Dexter take it upon himself to ruin her life? It was clear she was the real loser in the family, and now he was going to lord it over her, probably forever.

  “I made that up,” Dex admitted. “I didn’t really see them in the park.”

  “What?”

  “I’m sorry. I was just being a jerk. I never saw either one of them.”

  Daphna’s ears went red. “But—but—” She searched her brother’s eyes but couldn’t detect even a trace of insincerity. “Thanks,” she whispered.

  Dex had no idea why he’d decided to admit this just then, or what to say next, but it didn’t matter because at that moment the back door of the house burst open. Milton was struggling to get outside with Latty trying to restrain him. The twins tiptoed to the garage door.

  “Get back to bed!” Latty demanded. “You heard what the doctor said. You’re worn out! And the kids are missing! It’s their birthday, Milton! We need to have a proper party!”

  “Unhand me, woman!” Milton ordered, trying to scrape Latty off like a stubborn burr. At the same time, he was trying to get into an overcoat. It was drizzling again.

  “You’re not even dressed!” Latty shouted. She was right. Milton was in his flannel pajamas.

  “I am going to get that book!” Milton wailed, evidently unconcerned with his choice of outfit. “Quartich thinks he’s got a copy. Do you understand me?!”

  “Let me go, then!! I’ll get it for you! And I can look for the kids—!”

  “Not bloody likely! Now, get out of my way!”

  Defeated, Latty relinquished her grip, then stormed back inside the house. Milton moved toward the car, but couldn’t get in before she reappeared with her shawl.

  “You’re out of your mind, Latona! I do not require a chaperone!” Milton slammed his door and started the car. Latty’s reply was lost as she climbed in.

  Given no alternative, he raced off with her inside, squealing the tires on the driveway as he went.

  “Shouldn’t we have tried to stop him?” Daphna asked.

  “I don’t think we could’ve,” said Dex. “And it wasn’t
worth letting Latty get her hands on us.”

  “Hey!” Daphna said, “we can call this Quarts guy and tell him not to sell the book to Dad!”

  “Quartich,” Dex corrected, “but I think we ought to forget about it.”

  “What? He’s going to get that book right now!”

  “I think we should stop bothering with Dad,” said Dex. “This is bigger than him. We need to solve the real problem once and for all.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I think we should do what Mom and all the other Councilors were trying to do. We should destroy that book.”

  Daphna agreed immediately. That was exactly what they should do. “Without that book of nonsense,” she conceded, “that Latin book’s no use to Rash, and neither is Dad. But how can we do it, Dex?”

  “That other book,” Dex said. An idea was germinating. “I mean that Latin dictionary we have. Didn’t you say it looks just like the nonsense book?”

  “Great idea!” Daphna cried.

  The twins rushed back into the house. Daphna sprinted to the office for the dictionary, then met Dex in the kitchen. He’d grabbed a box of extra long fireplace matches and had one already burning. Slowly, Daphna moved the edges of the book’s pages over the flame. Each time the fire took hold, Dex blew it out. The process took about fifteen minutes, but soon enough the pages were charred all around.

  Daphna opened a drawer and took out Latty’s best knife.

  “Let me do that!” Dexter said. Daphna handed him the knife, and Dex, embarrassed only slightly, proceeded to gash the front and back covers. It was an intensely pleasurable experience.

  “It was warped, too,” Daphna said, taking the dictionary back before Dex hacked it to shreds. She placed it in the sink and ran water over it. “I can’t believe what we’re doing to this poor book,” she lamented. “It’s probably worthless now.”

  When the book was soaked, Daphna put it into the microwave. She set it for three minutes and beeped it on.

  “I guess that’s the closest thing to a birthday cake that’s gonna get cooked around here today,” Dex said. But then he turned back to Daphna, who was already looking at him with eyes asparkle.

  “Presents!” they cried.

  misreading

  The twins dashed toward their father’s room with nothing but the image of brightly wrapped gifts in their minds. Once inside, they threw themselves onto the floor on either side of the bed.

  Their eyes met across the empty space below.

  “What are we doing?” Daphna sighed, but her embarrassment was no match for her disappointment.

  “Yeah,” Dex agreed, “this is an emergency, and we’re acting like little kids.” But he couldn’t hide the disappointment in his voice, either.

  “Dex,” Daphna said. It was weird talking across the floor under a bed, but she didn’t get up. “I—about Ruby—and you,” she said. “I—I’m—Hold on, I found something.” Daphna picked something up off the floor, a slip of paper maybe. She slid out from under the bed and sat up. “Dex!”

  Dexter looked up over the bed to find his sister holding out a hundred dollar bill.

  “C’mere,” Daphna urged. “Look!” She was pointing at something on her side of the mattress. Dex climbed over the bed. There was another bill, a twenty, trapped against the mattress by the bedskirt.

  Dex and Daphna attacked, ripping the blankets and sheet from the bed. There, running along the length of the mattress, was a zipper. A clutch of bills poked out where it wasn’t fully closed. Holding her breath, Daphna eased the zipper open.

  The twins gasped. The mattress was stuffed with cash, bills of all denominations. Handfuls fell to the floor, along with something else: a bright yellow card.

  Grinning, Daphna grabbed it up. But then she read how it was labeled. “That’s bizarre,” she said. “Look.”

  Dex looked, but he didn’t respond. Instead, he turned his attention back to all that money. What did it mean?

  “That’s totally weird, don’t you think?” Daphna said. “I’ll bet he was hiding it and forgot! And there’s no way he wrote this, anyway. Latty must’ve done it for him!”

  “Why do you say that?” Dex asked, though with little interest. All that money—

  “When has Dad ever referred to us that way?”

  “What way?”

  “Look!” Daphna demanded. “Would Dad ever write, ‘For My Beloved Children on their Thirteenth Birthday’? Hardly.”

  “Doesn’t sound like him,” Dex admitted, ignoring his sister’s tone. “Open it.”

  Disgusted, Daphna tore into the envelope. Inside was a folded sheet of paper with something typed on it. She smoothed it flat and began looking it over, but a moment later, she jerked her head up at Dex with saucered eyes.

  “What? ” Dex asked. “What is it?”

  “It’s from Mom,” was Daphna’s somber response. She read it aloud:

  My Dearest Children,

  I am writing to you now, just minutes before I leave on a most unexpected journey.

  For so very long I have been searching for a book. This search has consumed my time in this world and denied me what I truly seek, what we all seek: to live, to love. May you never know loneliness like I have known. May you be surrounded by those who love you all the days of your lives. How blessed you are to have each other!

  I broke my word, children, and renounced the search. I found Love. Uttering those two small, simple words, “I do,” set me free. And now I have you and my joy knows no bounds.

  Only now it seems that the book may be within reach. I am going to find out. I expect the best, but something I cannot put my finger on worries me, and so I must write you this note.

  There is a man, Asterius Rash, who will go to any length to find this dangerous book, including murdering children. Should you ever cross his path, run! Under no circumstances should you have anything to do with this vile man.

  It is my profound wish that you ne ver read th is note, for if you do, it will be because I am gone. I love you so much. I must admit I did not think it possible that you two could ever be. Two little miracles! Latona did me the greatest favor in my long life when she encouraged me to try for you. I need you both to know how much I love you, how much I will always, always love you.

  There was more, but Daphna stopped reading and dropped her head. “Here,” she choked, holding the sheet out to Dex, “I can’t go on.” She looked up when Dex didn’t take the paper. “Dex, I can’t do it. I just can’t.”

  “Of course you can,” Dex said.

  “Please, it’s too hard.”

  “Oh, come on, Daphna. Just read the stupid thing.”

  “I can’t, Dexter!” Daphna shouted. “Can’t you just do me a simple favor for once without turning everything into a huge war?!”

  For a moment, Dex offered no reply. Then he said, in a slow, measured voice, “I can’t read it for you, Daphna. Okay? ”

  “Why not?! It’s not like it’s in French! I’m sorry—look—I’m really sorry I didn’t know about you getting help for school and all that. I’m sorry I always say you don’t care, but it’s really your fault for keeping it all a secret and acting like—”

  “You don’t get it,” Dex interrupted. “For once in your life, you just don’t get it.”

  Dex’s voice sounded distant, like someone else was talking through his mouth. It was unsettling.

  “What? I don’t get what? ” Daphna asked.

  “I can’t read it for you, Daphna. I can’t read it for you because—”

  “What already? ”

  “I can’t read, Daphna.”

  There, he said it. Dex had no idea why now, after so long, at this time, in this place. But he said it.

  “Oh, my God,” was Daphna’s reply. In a single dizzying moment, she reconsidered a lifetime. A thousand little things Dex had said and done since they were little suddenly shifted meaning—suddenly had meaning. He’d never help look for street signs in the car. He’d never look a
t menus in restaurants. He’d never look up a phone number or take down a message. And all the trouble he got into at school for refusing to participate in class!

  Daphna knew without any doubt whatsoever that it was true. Her brother couldn’t read. But at the same time, she didn’t understand how it could possibly be. “But— But—” Daphna sputtered.

  “Memorizing,” Dex said, looking at the floor.

  “What?”

  “I memorize everything.” Dexter understood Daphna’s confusion precisely because it was his life’s mission—since the moment when he was five and realized something was drastically wrong with him—to make sure she, and everyone else, was at best confused about him. If the world had to think he was lazy or ignorant, so be it, because it was far better to look like you won’t than you can’t.

  “I memorize everything,” he repeated. “If the teacher says it once, I know it. I get books on tape from the library, or I listen when other kids read. Ruby doesn’t even know. She liked reading my books to me, but on tests you have to read something you’ve never seen before. I fail all my tests.”

  “Dex—I—I—”

  “I can write some words,” Dex said. His eyes were still fixed on the floor. “I don’t know how, but I can. They’re like pictures I guess—short words anyway. I make the ones I can’t do so sloppy that no one can tell. I used to pretend I didn’t know answers in class because teachers start asking questions when you know everything you’re supposed to but then bomb all the tests.” Dex paused as a pronounced shudder passed through him.

  Finally, he looked directly at Daphna, who saw his eyes were filling. “It’s like I’ve got wires crossed up in my brain or something. When I look at a page of words, all I see is—”

  The back door banged open.

  “OH, IT’S GONNA BE YOU! ” Emmet screamed. “IT’S GONNA BE BOTH OF YOU! ”

  Dexter sprang to his feet, his face stony and alert. “Shh,” he whispered, kicking the money under the bed as best he could. He was amazed at the calm he felt.