The Book of Nonsense

by David Michael Slater

  “Listen,” Dex said, hustling his sister into their father’s closet. “There’s only one way he’s going to leave without you, and that’s if you stay in here! I have a plan.” Dex said this because he did. “I only hope Dad gets that Latin book to Rash soon!” Daphna was too afraid to respond, and Dex didn’t explain. They could hear Emmet crashing his way downstairs.

  “When we’re gone,” Dex whispered, “get the book out of the microwave and follow us. Go down through the trapdoor to the loft, but be careful. Aim for the line of light at the center, okay?”

  Daphna managed a nod.

  “Just make sure you figure out a way to get me our book—and cause a distraction when—”

  Stomping feet were just outside the room. Dex shut the closet door and had only just turned around when Emmet raged into the room.

  “YOU! ” Emmet screamed, his glasses once again askew, his pale cheeks flushed with fury. “WHERE’S MY LEDGER?! Do you know what it’s like to search through five hundred thousand books?! If I ever get my hands on that—that lying—she’s dead! Both of you are dead!”

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about, Emmet,” Dex said. Daphna thought he sounded rather composed through the door, and that gave her some comfort, though her nerves were raw. She unconsciously squeezed the note from her mother in her fist.

  “Oh, really?” Emmet sneered. Daphna heard a sudden rush of movement, then an awful grunt. A body hit the floor. She bit her lip and tasted blood.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Dex groaned. “I mean it.” This was met by another sudden movement and a gruesome thwack. Dex cried out in pain. Violence of any sort nauseated Daphna. She couldn’t bear much more of this.

  “I’m telling you, Emmet,” Dex grunted, “I have no idea where my sister is. We hate each other.”

  There was silence in room. Daphna held her breath.

  “Let’s go then,” Emmet finally snarled.

  Daphna winced at the groan Dex made when he was hauled to his feet. It sounded like he was dragged from the room.

  When she was sure she was alone, Daphna crept out of the closet, tottering on her feet. With quaking hands, she stuffed the money on the floor back into the mattress and hastily remade the bed. Afterward, she looked at her mother’s face framed on her father’s wall. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, then ran to the kitchen. First, she threw up in the sink, but once that was done, she opened the microwave and took out the now badly disfigured but mostly dry book.

  One deep breath, and then she started out after her brother.

  the old switcheroo

  All concept of time was lost to Daphna the moment she stepped out of the house, but she noticed that scenery passed as she ran along under the gathering gloom of the late afternoon skies.

  At some point, the ABC appeared.

  There was no sign of Dex or Emmet,

  so Daphna headed down the concrete stairs leading behind the store. Halfway down she heard a car screech to a halt on the street. She stopped.

  Car doors opened, then slammed. Then Latty’s voice. Daphna strained to hear, worried sick about what might be happening to Dex.

  “Will you or will you not go straight home after you’ve delivered it?” Latty demanded.

  “I will,” Milton replied.

  “I’ll wait right here,” Latty said, but then changed her mind. “No! I’ll just run quickly down to the toy store. It’s your children’s birthday, Milton!”

  Daphna snuck back up the steps and peeked around the corner. When she saw Latty hurry off, she leapt out. “Dad!” she cried. Fortunately, Milton was just standing at the door holding a book in one hand and worrying his ring on the other. He blinked at her when he realized who she was.

  “Daphna!” he said. “Are you here to help Mr. Rash again?”

  “I—ah—” Daphna had no idea what to say. She was holding the Latin dictionary behind her back. “That—that book—” she managed, pointing to the one in her father’s hand.

  “Yes, Mr. Rash is simply desperate for this odd thing. So if you’ll excuse me, I’ll just—”

  “Don’t, Dad! He’s making you—” Daphna cut herself off. Dex said he wanted the Latin book to get to Rash. Only he didn’t say why. Daphna knew she’d been wrong about practically everything she ever thought about her brother, but that didn’t suddenly turn him into a reliable person, did it? Was this the time to start trusting him? What should I do? She decided. She’d trust Dex for now, and she suddenly had an idea of how to get the phony Book of Nonsense at least close to him.

  “Actually, Dad, I need your advice,” said Daphna. “I’m selling my first book.” She produced the mutilated Latin dictionary from behind her back. “I know it’s all beaten up—”

  “Is that the book? ” Milton yelped, snatching it away. Daphna was shocked by his ferocity. But as he flipped through it, she looked at his shrouded eyes and realized how deeply he was under Rash’s sway. When he realized it wasn’t the book, Milton sighed mightily.

  Daphna exhaled. He hadn’t recognized it. “I’ve got to run, Dad,” she lied. “Can you just see if Mr. Rash will buy that one? Thanks!” She turned and walked away, shaken.

  A few paces off, Daphna stopped, turned and saw Milton enter the store. Then she ran back to the steps, but stopped once again with a hand on the rusty railing, breathing heavily, weighed down by second thoughts. Had she done the right thing? Daphna was desperate now to make sure Dex was okay, yet she felt a terrible foreboding about her father.

  Suddenly, Emmet’s voice exploded through the open front entrance. “NOW GET LOST! ” he barked.

  Again, the sound of violence. With her heart in her throat, Daphna once again peeked around the edge of the building, this time to see her father stumbling backwards through the door. His heels clipped the sidewalk, and his legs buckled. He fell, twisting, and landed on his side, hitting the concrete with a horrifying crunch. His head hit next. Milton let out a cry on impact, then went silent.

  Emmet stood over him with teeth bared.

  Witnessing this paralyzed Daphna, but to her indescribable relief, Milton moved, though feebly, and started saying something she couldn’t hear. The book Daphna had given him was still in his hand. Emmet held the one he’d brought.

  “Help!” someone screamed. It was Latty. “Help! Police! Help!”

  Emmet turned and tried to see where the voice came from. Whether he could tell or not, he threw his head back and shouted, “Call whoever you want! WE’RE CLOSEDFOREVER! ”

  Then he looked down at Milton and hissed, “You come back here, and you’ll be the one for sure.” He leaned over, ripped the book Milton still held out of his hand, then stepped back into the store. The door slammed and bolted behind him. Latty was there now, on her knees next to Milton, who was bent in a heap, quietly muttering something unintelligible. Daphna forced herself to turn and rush down the steps. What she just saw simply didn’t happen. Drenched again by fear for her brother, Daphna found the ladder on the far side and scrambled up to the roof.

  The trap door was lying open.

  Without allowing herself to think, Daphna climbed onto the ladder.

  The first few rungs were no problem, but halfway down there came a long, unnerving creak. Daphna stopped, but the creaking did not. Rather, it got louder and louder until the right side of the ladder came free from the wall. Desperately, Daphna clutched the handholds as it swung slowly out over the loft. She tried not to move, or even breathe, but the ladder drifted back again, and it swung slowly to and fro before finally settling perpendicular to the wall. Daphna had no choice but to climb down on it the way it was.

  The ladder creaked this way and that with every shift of weight, but Daphna managed to get a foot on the loft. Her second foot had only just touched down when the ladder came off the wall entirely. It was heavy; Daphna barely managed to lower it to the floor without dropping it.

  Now there was no way out, but that was just one more thing not to think about. In
stinctively, Daphna got down on her stomach, coughed at her first inhale of dust, then headed toward the thin line of light, aiming for the middle of the store.

  The decaying loft was almost putrid, but Daphna pushed through the stifling rot without hesitation, and before she knew it, she was approaching the dimly outlined edge. The sound of an angry voice directed her to her left. Moments later, she was there, right above it. It was Rash. He was talking to Dex, who was seated across the desk from him. Relief washed over Daphna, but it quickly dawned on her that she had no idea what she was supposed to do now that she was there.

  “For the last time, boy,” Rash was demanding, “I am out of patience! Read the page! ” Dex sat in the same chair Daphna had on her visit, and Rash held the book open in front of him the way he had for her. Two new candles burned beside his elbow. Dex did not obey, and it was obvious why, at least to Daphna. He had his fingers jammed into his ears. Dex was also anxiously peering up toward the loft, clearly waiting for her.

  Waiting for what? Daphna gripped the floor as her nerves threatened to overcome her. A sliver peeled up under her fingers. She stared at it a moment, then thought: perfect, and tossed it down toward Dex. It bounced off of his elbow. Ever so slightly, he nodded.

  “Enough of this— EMMET!” Rash fumed, shattering his cane on the desk once and for all. “Emmet, you half-wit! Get over here!”

  Emmet called out from somewhere, though what he was saying wasn’t clear until he was just outside the cubby. “I got the book! I got the book!” he was shouting. Daphna hadn’t noticed until then that there was no longer an entranceway into the little six-sided room. Shelves had enclosed the space entirely.

  Rash muttered a word, and the shelves swung open to allow Emmet inside. After another word, the shelf swung shut. Daphna shivered, wondering what other words of power Rash had learned.

  “I know you got the book, you ignoramus!” Rash spat. “Hold on to it. I will need it momentarily. But first I must settle a problem. Dexter here seems somehow immune to my—I am impressed, but extremely put out. My words seem to have no—but now I see. How clever,” he sighed. “Emmet, please remove Dexter’s fingers from his ears.”

  Dex didn’t need to hear this to size-up the new situation. He lowered his hands by himself.

  “Dexter Wax, you naughty boy,” Rash scolded, though not without amusement in his voice. “You and your sister have been far more trouble than you’re worth. Perhaps I’ll pass on my usual methods of persuasion in favor of a more traditional technique. Emmet, the next time Mr. Wax here refuses a request, please break eight of his fingers. We might need the thumbs later.”

  “Yes, Sir!” Emmet promised. “It’s gonna be him, isn’t it?” Daphna gasped at this, but was not heard. “Oh, got this, too,” Emmet added, putting the ruined Latin dictionary on the desk.

  Despite the ice creeping through her veins, Daphna allowed herself a brief smile. It worked. She’d gotten the book there. Both books were there. Now, what in the world did Dex think he was going to do?

  Rash felt for the new book and took it into his hands. He seemed intrigued, but only until he’d felt through a few pages, after which he tossed it on the floor.

  “Your father was going to try a little sleight-of-hand, it seems,” Rash said. “The poor man was starting not to trust me. Imagine that. Now, Dexter, you and I will be going away together very soon. But first, I need the use of your eyes. And thanks to your fool of a father, I will have them. Emmet, do your best to scan the pages of Videre Per Alterum. Afterward, Dexter will be giving a reading.”

  Daphna nearly cried out. What had Dex been thinking? Of course Rash would ask him to read, and when Dex told him he couldn’t, he probably wouldn’t believe him. Rash would probably forget breaking his fingers and just have Emmet break his neck—and then it would be her turn, and there she was, a sitting duck with no way out! Or, did it matter that Dex couldn’t read?!

  Reeling, Daphna’s mind threatened to close down on her entirely as Emmet began flipping through the pages. Dexter never thinks things through—like throwing away that ledger! She should have come herself and left him in the closet!

  Wait! She was supposed to cause a distraction.

  “There it is!” Rash cried. “STOP! ”

  Daphna panicked. A distraction! But what could she do, lying there in ten tons of dust?

  The dust!

  Daphna scooped up a handful and dropped it over Rash.

  “What’s this?” he demanded, wiping at his head and beard.

  Daphna pushed more dust over the edge. It fell like dirty snow on top of Rash, who raised his arms to ward it off.

  “Emmet, you cretin!” he bellowed, “the loft!”

  Emmet looked up, straining his eyes.

  Rash waved his arms wildly as the dust continued to fall.

  Dexter saw his chance. He leaned forward and closed Rash’s precious, but now unattended book. Then he slipped it into the front pocket of his sweatshirt. Daphna intensified her storm, sweeping sheets of dust down into the cubby, one after another, with everything she had. Slowly, painfully slowly, Dex bent down to the floor and picked up the Latin dictionary. He laid it open on the desk. Then he sat back.

  “It’s the girl!” Rash roared.

  “Yeah!”

  “Get her down here!”

  Daphna stopped. There was no point in continuing, and any fleeting sense of success evaporated. What were they going to do now? Didn’t Dexter just see that Rash could tell the books apart?

  “Enough of this,” said Rash. ”Daphna, come down right now, or I’ll have Emmet tear your brother’s head off.”

  “Don’t hurt him! I’m coming!”

  “Don’t!” Dex cried, but Daphna ignored him. She turned around and lowered her feet over the edge of the loft until they reached the top of the shelving unit directly below. It was only a foot or so down. From there, she sat on her behind to consider her next move, but Emmet grabbed her by the ankle and yanked her down. Then he shoved her into a chair next to Dex.

  “Got her,” Emmet said. “Please let it be—”

  “Excellent, boy,” Rash interrupted. “I believe your time is nearly here.”

  Emmet seemed too thrilled to do anything but grin, so Dex took advantage of the moment.

  “You’re making a big mistake,” he warned. It was a long shot, but maybe their only shot.

  “Indeed, Mr. Wax?” Rash ran a gnarled hand through his dust-encrusted beard. “Do tell.”

  “Emmet wouldn’t hurt a fly,” Dex said. “He knows you’ve been hypnotizing him.”

  “That’s right,” Daphna put in. “He knows you kidnapped him. He knows he used to have a big family with lots of brothers and sisters.”

  Rash’s response to this was another laughing fit.

  “The Wax Twins!” he croaked. “You entertain me to no end, you arrogant little twits! You know nothing! There’s never been a need to, as you say, hypnotize any of them. I purposely pick out the most stupid looking ones at the—but ENOUGH OF THIS!”

  “It’s too late, Asterius,” Dexter pressed. “We called the police and told them everything.”

  “Rousing,” Rash replied, “but I’ve had my fill of your nonsense.”

  “Our mother was Sophia Logos!” Daphna wailed.

  This seemed to give Rash pause. His face went blank for a moment, but then he smiled. “Of course she was!” he laughed. “How positively poetic.” Then he turned to Emmet and said, “I do still need your help, my boy. EMMET! ”

  “Yes! Yes, Sir,” Emmet blurted. He sounded startled.

  “Emmet, you are moments away from your destiny. I need but two new eyes, yet here we have four. An embarrassment of riches! Which pair looks durable enough to spend a lifetime gazing into my precious book, assuming it is my precious book. If I’m wrong, then a serious change of plans will be necessary.”

  Terror swamped the twins. Did Rash just say what it sounded like? Emmet didn’t hesitate for a second. “Make him do it!”
>
  “Done,” Rash replied. Then he slid his hands over the table until they found the book sitting there. He opened it to the first page and pushed it toward Dex. “A test run, Mr. Wax, if you don’t mind.” This time, he didn’t hold onto it. He sat back as if getting comfortable for a show.

  Daphna closed her eyes as her brother took up the book. They were both going to be killed, she was sure of it. She heard Dex’s voice: “Sutro,” he said, “Ibn lanik exo nadas circa earl.” He paused, and Daphna opened her eyes, completely confused. What just happened? Dex couldn’t read, and it wasn’t even the right book!

  Then she got it. His memory was that good, and he’d wanted it to come to this.

  “Go on!” Rash ordered. “Go on!”

  “I—I can’t,” Dex said. “The words, they’re—they’re—”

  “What boy? What?”

  “They’re moving! ”

  Rash’s face began to tremble. “Emmet!” he cried, “read that spell! The last line on that page you’ve got. EMMET! ”

  “Okay,” Emmet finally answered, “where is it?”

  “You dolt! Never mind, give it to the girl! It’s only appropriate that she participate, anyway.”

  With his mouth in a cold, hard line, Emmet handed Videre Per Alterum to Daphna.

  “To think, we could have avoided all these absurdities if you two hadn’t taken my ledger,” Rash sighed. “But, then, would we ever have had so much fun? Read me the last line, please. Just the first few words should be enough to jog my memory.”

  Daphna hesitated. She was going to refuse, but she glanced at Dex, who nodded his head, subtly. It was too late now not to trust him. She read the first part of the line, three words that sounded Chinese.

  Rash became agitated as soon as she began. “Of course!” he hooted. “Of course! I have it now. Thank you. Emmet, take the book back.” Daphna handed it over as Rash began intoning the words she’d read. He added a series of other, similar sounding words with his dead, cold eyes trained on Dex.

  There was silence, and then Rash and Emmet and Dex were all rubbing their eyes.

  Rash put his hands down and blinked at Dex, who was doing the same at him. The old man smiled wildly, exposing his rotten teeth. “Not such a handsome devil anymore, I see,” he laughed.