Hot & Cold: Toxic Love

by Jessica E. Kirby

  "Just sayin'," he turns around, shrugs his shoulders, and walks into the darkness behind him, opening a creaky door.

  I think the girls notice the look of shock and disgust on my face. "Don't worry about him, hun," Janie says as she pats the extended part of the couch she's sitting in, and mouths 'C'mon'.

  I push myself off of the cast iron wall and click clock my way to the seat. After an hour of talking, gossiping, and bonding, Jessica ends up on the floor in front of Hannah. They've started their own hair salon. My head is propped up on Janie's sideways hip. She's curling and weaving the end of my braid through her fingers. While chomping on an apple, she is holding a newspaper. "What about this one guys? Three bedrooms, two and a half bath. Located three miles outside of Jacksonville in the lush countryside."

  They all shake their heads no. I have somehow acquired a crossword puzzle and a highlighter, and my boots have come off. I tuck my heels under my bottom and rest the half completed book on my lap.

  I reach for the bag of chips at my side, and crunch on some. Hannah has restarted Jessica's hair for the sixth time, with a sigh of frustration everyone has noticed. I have also noticed they're trying to mimic my hairstyle. "It works better if your hair is a little damp," I say.

  "Oh, I'll go get a spray bottle," Hannah lifts her leg over Jessica's head and gets up.

  "Get some more water bottles while you're up!" Janie yells over her shoulder.

  "Fine," Hannah sighs, leaving Jessica sitting cross-legged on the floor. Jessica doesn't mind, I believe she is enjoying this. She brings out her phone and scrolls through it.

  "We're allowed to have cell phones?" I ask.

  "Of course, silly. We're not the Amish. As long as you can pay for it, Ms. Gar doesn't care anymore," Janie explained.

  "How do y’all pay for it?" I ask.

  "We have jobs. I work at the Cafe in town, Jessica works at the roller rink, and I think Hannah sells drugs."

  "I do not!" Hannah comes from around the corner with a half a case of water in her hands, and a spray bottle in the other. "I am a waitress at the Cafe with butt head over there, so if I'm selling drugs then so are you; you demon." She's a bit out of breath as she plops down on the couch. She sticks her tongue out like a dog, and pants.

  "Damn, Hannah. Run a marathon?" Janie asks. Jessica snickers without looking up from her phone.

  "Feels like it," she says with a soft voice. She's not a big girl. She carries most of her weight in her hips and thighs. She has a flat stomach and larger top half. A door has slammed in the back of the room, and Ward emerges from the darkness. I roll my eyes as he enters the room, and focus on my puzzle.

  "Where've you been? Jackin' off?" Jessica says as her hair is getting drenched.

  "Ha ha ha," He fake laughs as he wiggles his head back and forth. She rolls her eyes and looks back down at her phone. He walks to the edge of the lounge chair, turns around, and gently plops down at the empty space, sitting on my toes.

  "Just make yourself comfortable there, buddy," I say noting my annoyance.

  "Oh, I always do," he says leaning back on my knees, with a loud exhale. "By the way, I bummed a smoke from ya."

  "What?" I say with a hard tone, thinking he went into our room.

  He tossed the pack over his head and it landed on my stomach. "Don't get your panties in a bunch. Make sure you check what you put in the laundry chute before you dump it, though. Some of us aren't as nice and honest as me."

  Janie scoffs, "Whatever Ward, you're such an asshole sometimes. What were you doing in the laundry room for so long, huh?"

  Picking at his nails he says, "Shooting dope, as usual."

  "Wouldn't doubt it," Janie laughs.

  "I told Gar I would do extra to make up for the bail she posted for me." I can feel the vibrations through his back from his deep voice on my shins.

  "Anything you do would be extra Ward," Janie said.

  "Why do you have to be such a bitch, Janie?" Ward said as he put his arm across his forehead. He is still resting his back on my legs. I don't know what I should do. I don't know if I want him there or not.

  "I try really hard, actually," Janie said sarcastically, dramatically putting her hand over her heart.

  "I can't deal with all of this estrogen today," Ward said as he lifted his weight off of my legs. "I'm going to smoke your cigarette," He said while pulling the one from his ear to his lips.

  "Enjoy," I say annoyed.

  "You better check and see if Gar is awake or not," Hannah said, finishing her perfect braid. Ward just sticks both thumbs up in the air, like a smartass, and cracks his knuckles after he puts them down. She seems like the kind of girl that doesn't like to stray from the rules, and will probably be quick to tell if we step outside the boundaries.

  She's done with her braid, and Jessica stands up to look in the mirror over the fireplace. "Cute!" She exclaims as she turns her head left and right. "Stand up, and take a picture, we're twins," She says, extending her hand. I take it. Her French braid is on the left, and mine is on the right, making the end braid on either side. We turned our heads towards each other, as she extends her arm, snapping a few pictures. She turns the phone around and browses through the pictures she just took. In the last one, Janie is in the background with Hannah, flicking the bird.

  "Best photobomb ever!" I snort and start laughing.

  I think I'll be okay for now.

  THREE

  The day went by lazily as we made grilled cheese and just got to know one another. Nobody really talked about adoption, or emancipation, or anything along those lines. It was nice to just chill with some pretty amiable girls. Ward was nowhere to be found the rest of the day. I don't know why I was looking for him, though. Janie went to check on Ms. Gar a few times, bringing her food and water. She might be getting a little sick. Another day in bed might be what she needs. I think Janie has accepted Ms. Gar as her surrogate mother. She brings out the disabled boy on her hip.

  "Hey, Chase!" Jessica smiles and waves at the boy. This puts a huge smile on his face, which he tries to hide behind Janie's head.

  "Hayden, this is Chase Daniels. He has Cerebral Palsy. His mother was in a car accident when he was three, and he's been here ever since" she says matter-of-factly. I stand up and stroke his back. He turns around and smiles at me as his right hand is curled under his chin. Hannah gets up from the island table and pulls out a large wooden chair with leg holes and a place for his head. Hannah guides his feet into the holes. Janie adjusts his head; so it lays comfortably.

  "He's our baby," Jessica says as she smiles at him and eats a banana. I sit at the same barstool and suck back a bottle of water. I think I've eaten my weight in junk food today.

  "We're working on getting him a special wheelchair when he gets a little older," Janie said.

  "It's not cheap, either. We have a jar in Gar's room with about five hundred in it," Hannah chimed in.

  "Yeah, and that's not even close," Jessica finished. Janie is feeding him some bananas, and he is enjoying every moment of it.

  "Who wants to go swimming tomorrow?" Jessica changed the subject.

  "In what pool?" Hannah asked.

  "Really, Hannah?" Janie asked sarcastically, "Ours stupid," She continued feeding him the banana.

  "That thing hasn't been cleaned out in months."

  "Mr. Bo cleaned it out thoroughly before he went on vacation Thursday, remember? The whole house smelled like scum. I haven't been back there, so I don't know what it looks like." Jessica says.

  "I haven't broken in my new bathing suit I got at the beginning of summer in town when we went," Janie says, "I'm definitely down."

  "We can invite the devil twins," Hannah says with an upturned nose.

  "We can't their caseworker moved them yesterday," Janie says.

  "What?" Jessica and Hannah said in unison.

  "Ms. Gar just told me. I have to clear their room out today. No one seems to miss them, obviously, since we haven't heard from them all day. So, it'
s just our age group. And our baby, of course." Janie says while stroking Chase’s head.

  The next morning was bright, blue, inviting, and hot. Did I mention hot? It was eleven when everyone was getting ready to go out. Janie was ready first, making sandwiches and juice for everyone. After she got the okay from Ms. Gar, who is still in bed for another day, we pile up in the foyer. I have a pink tube dress over my bathing suit. Underneath, I have a black halter top bikini top, with red polka dots. My bottoms look like shorts with ruffles on the side, they cut right across my pelvis. White flip flops. Huge pink sunglasses. And my hair is in a messy bun on top of my head. Jessica is in a bright yellow bandeau top with a heart scrunched in the middle, with white and yellow polka dot bottoms. Her body sports the same freckle-ridden skin as her face. Her hair is perfectly straight down her back. Hannah is wearing a blue bikini top, with a tube top over it, blue sporty shorts, and yellow flip-flops. Her hair is pulled back in a clip. Janie comes down the stairs in a black string bikini, aviator glasses, with hair piled up in a messy bun also. Her black flip flops clap all the way down the wooden stairs. Everyone is holding a bag with towels and their lunch in it. Janie has a boom box in her right hand.

  "C'mon bitches!" She screams. We file behind her through the sitting area we were sitting in yesterday, and through the dark hallway through the formal dining area, and to the sliding glass back door. The patio is simple, with a few plastic chairs. There's a tall white gate around the pool. The back yard is huge, filled with about an acre of green grass beyond the patio, and trees beyond that.

  "Shit, I forgot the keys from Ms. Gar," Janie said, walking back through the door, shutting it. I open my bag and pull out my tanning lotion. While everyone is rubbing in theirs, I take my tube dress off and start in rubbing mine.

  "I didn't realize how freaking skinny you were," Jessica says, pinching my side. I smile. I don't know if I should take this as a compliment. "But those boobs are pretty massive." She has embarrassed me to the point of turning red. She has noticed how red I am, and now she's in a giggle fit. I continue rubbing in the lotion on my arms. I am facing the pool, with my back to the glass sliding door. I squeeze a dot of lotion on my finger and start rubbing it on my face. I hear the door open behind me, and think nothing of it, ready to go in.

  A set of large hands squeezes both of my sides. I squeal and turn around to meet an unexpected face. He is shirtless and smells so much like a man. His trunks hang low on his chiseled abs. He has dimples on his lower back, that match mine.

  Hannah crosses her arms in front of her chest. She doesn't lose the black tube top she has on, nor the shorts. I now realize why she is so self-conscience around Ward. Judging by her body language, she has a crush on him.

  "What are you doing?" Jessica says with an attitude as she stands by Hannah, crossing her arms.

  "I asked him to come, he is a part of this dysfunctional family, too," Janie said as she closed the door behind her. She sticks her tongue out as she walks past me. She unlocks the door, and we all pile in. Jessica and Hannah jump in arm in arm. Ward, Janie and I sit on the edge for a minute. The pool is a traditional type rectangle shape, with a three feet to six feet end.

  I'm in the middle between Ward and Janie. When the girls finally emerge from the water, they giggle and wipe the water from their eyes. They look at us and start splashing. "Well, c'mon you party poopers!" Hannah yelled from the middle of the pool, bobbing her head in the water. I can tell she is not a very strong swimmer. She tip-toes to the shallow end, where she can touch the bottom.

  "I got to let my lotion set in," I yell out.

  "Oh, shoot! I forgot my tanning lotion," Janie says as she gets up.

  "I have mine in my bag over there, you can use it," I say as I follow. I'm not sure why I got up; probably so I didn't want to be left alone with him. I'm still a bit on edge from our first encounter. I show her where it is, and take a drink of my water bottle on the table.

  "So, tomorrow you're probably going to be asked if you want to go to public school next week, or do your schooling online," Janie says as she rubs in a dot of lotion, "I'm doing virtual school so I can finish faster. Jessica and Hannah like their social lives, so they prefer public school."

  I had forgotten all about school. I've had so much fun, I have to snap back to reality. She rubs the lotion on her shoulders. "I just want to get it over with, and I really don't think I want to get mixed up with any drama in a public school. I've been in one school my entire life."

  "Virtual school with me?" She says with a huge smile. I smile back and shake my head yes.

  Her eyes avert to something behind me and she shakes her head yes with a big smile. I lower my eyebrows, and before I can turn around, I am being hoisted up into the air and carried in brawny arms. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. He's going to dump me in.

  "Don't you dare!" I exclaim as I try to wiggle out of his grip. He stands at the edge of the pool, as everyone chants, "Do it, do it, do it."

  I fly through the air, but I'm still in his grip. Did he jump in with me? I feel the pressure of the water around my body and a sudden liquid up my nose. As I emerge coughing and wiping my eyes, I hear the muffled sound of laughing back at the edge. Ward is beside me, coughing just as much as me. Janie is standing at the spot where he was holding me. He wipes his eyes and looks back at the hysterical laughing coming from Janie. He hides his anger with a laugh and more coughing. I don't think he likes being tricked. He honestly can't be mad; that would be a hypocritical thing to do, right? He takes my arm with a lot of force and pulls me to the stairs. I'm screaming and laughing so hard at the same time.

  He has a smile on his face, but a seriousness in his eyes. Janie is still laughing and she doesn't realize he's coming straight for her, and when she does, it's too late. She puts her hands out in front of her, as he grabs her hand. She resists with a giddiness about her, but it's no use. He pulls us together and we squeal as he pushes us both in. Another wave of pressure and bubbles. As we both surface, and push the water from our faces, he jumps in, in a cannonball fashion.

  After everyone has cooled down, and are now laying on their backs, I decide to get out for a little bit. I'm thirsty. Janie follows me. I sit beside the table on a brown plastic lounge chair. It has been in the sun and is too warm to sit on. I throw my towel on it and lay back with a water bottle in my hand. Janie goes inside to search for a cord to hook up the radio to her music player.

  I start soaking in some rays when a shadow interrupts my affair. I peep out of my left eye. His broad shoulders hovering over me, reaching for his towel that has fallen beside the chair. I sit up as soon as he sits down in the regular plastic chair that matches the table. I pull up my legs, hug my knees, and stare at him with my eyebrows lowered.

  "Can I help you?" he asks.

  I shake my head no. I turn my head to the side, still staring at him.

  "Seriously," he says sternly.

  "I'm just trying to figure you out," I say with my head still tilted.

  "Good luck," he says with wide eyes.

  “See; our first encounter you were very hostile and vulgar. And now, you're being nice?"

  "Who says I'm being nice?"

  "Well, you're not screaming and cursing at me for no reason, so I guess I would consider that in the category of nice," I say.

  He just shrugs his shoulders, "If you're looking for an apology, you won't find one. I am who I am. I will not apologize for offending you."

  "I-I'm not. I'm just letting you know that when you meet someone for the first time, that's usually not the appropriate behavior," I say, mimicking his tone.

  "I don't give a fuck what you think is appropriate. I am who I am," He shrugs his shoulders, tosses his towel on the chair, and walks inside. What was that? I feel offended and weird.

  "Found it!" Janie comes out with the green cord and plugs up the music player to the stereo.

  We spend hours in the pool and a few more in the chairs under the shade. His outrageous response earlier b
othered me all day. The anger in his eyes felt like it radiated straight to my soul, shaking it to its very core.

  When we're all inside and getting comfortable in bed, Janie and I sit up in our beds and face each other. Her forehead is red, and so are her shoulders. She kept her sunglasses on for a little too long, and she has a white circle around both eyes. I tell her about what happened with Ward today.

  "You have to be careful with him," she says, "He's kind of dangerous." Seeing how she talks to him all of the time suggests she knows more about him than anyone else. I am somewhat intrigued.

  "Really? How?" I ask.

  "He's kind of had a tough life, Hayden. For the past ten years, I've seen him in and out of detention halls, expelled from multiple schools, and has been in fights with so many people. I don't know how to say this without sounding mean, but you're so lucky to have had a family, and raised by them. You don't know what it's like, Hay. You don't know how it feels to see everyone being loved before you. You don't know how it feels to see a family in the streets or on television, and yearning for that love from the deepest parts of your soul. You probably wished for a bicycle or a CD for your birthday or Christmas. We wish for families. A mother and a father. Or even a mother and a mother. Or maybe a father and a father. Somewhere to belong. Someone to care for us. I try so hard to put a smile on it. I try to puff out my chest and just deal with it." A tear slides down her face. She's looking at me, but she's not truly looking at me. It's like she's looking through me with her big brown eyes. She bites her bottom lip, and looks down, breaking her gaze. Her hand wipes away the tears, "Sorry."

  I get up out of bed and sit down beside her, "There's nothing to feel sorry for. Yes, I was lucky to have a family growing up. When people are ripped away from you so suddenly, it's like it never even happened. Your bubbly personality is like a brick wall, and honestly, I can't even tell you're hurting inside. I know you are, and I'm sorry for being insensitive," I say as I hug her. "Sometimes, all you really need is a good cry." She laughs through her tears. "Think about this: you have your future now. No one else does. You are what you make of your life."