Hot & Cold: Toxic Love

by Jessica E. Kirby

  "You're such a good person, Hay," She says, repeating a nickname I haven't heard in a while. We hugged for a minute.

  "Sorry to break up the lovefest guys," A redheaded girl that now has a face to match her hair appears in the doorway, "but, I really need a cigarette before I blow up." We snicker. I reach for my half empty pack on the nightstand and roll off of the bed. Hannah is walking out of the shower room in a towel when we pile out of the room. We slow our pace as we watch her drop her clothes in the chute quietly, and stands there for a few seconds, facing the other end. "What are you doing?" Jessica asks breaking the silence.

  Hannah whips around and holds her hand to her chest, "Holy crap, y’all scared me!" Her breathing accelerates.

  "Get some clothes on girl, you know you can't come out in a towel," Janie says as she walks to the stairs.

  "I-I forgot my clothes," She stutters.

  "Mm-hmm," teases Jessica as she follows. Hannah walks hastily behind us and turns the corner fast. I know she was waiting for a certain someone to come out of his room.

  If Hannah would've waited a few more seconds, she would've gotten her chance. Ward strolls out of his room and walks behind me, and I can smell him. He is wearing a tight black shirt with a check on it, and black jeans. "I know y’all are going out back, and I'm bumming, just letting you know."

  Janie stops when she reaches the second floor, and hands him one from her pack, without a peep. "Wow, that was easy," Jessica chides. I think Janie suddenly feels sorry because of the conversation we just had, so she says nothing.

  We look around the corner and notice the lights dancing under Ms. Gar's bedroom door. She has a television? I didn't notice it when I was in there before. We tip toe past, except Ward who literally skips by. Janie unlocks the door with a snicker, and we pile outside. I feel like we're excluding Hannah, so I ask, "Why doesn't Hannah ever come out?"

  "She used to, but she said she's never smoked, and the smoke was hurting her eyes," Janie says, mimicking her tone.

  "Don't be mean," Jessica says, scrolling through her phone, with her cigarette in between her fingers. I can tell they share a certain bond with each other. I'm sure they're closer to each other than with Janie.

  "You know, she was waiting outside of the shower again in a towel for you again, Ward," Janie says, as she sits on the wall behind her. Her wall is connected to the house, and it is lower to the ground.

  Ward rolls his eyes and says, "Yes, I am aware of that. She slams the door to the shower room. She makes it too obvious she wants me."

  Jessica looks up from her phone, "Don't you dare."

  "Just being honest. I wouldn't touch that with a ten-foot pole."

  Jessica throws down her cigarette and storms inside. "Well, that was interesting," I hear myself say.

  "It always is," Ward says looking away. Janie goes wide-eyed mid-puff, staring at the kitchen door.

  Ms. Gar steps out onto the porch with a glass quarter full of a brown liquid. Immediately, I hide my cigarette behind my back and think of about a million and one excuses. Ward doesn't budge. Instead, he takes a drag. "Well, good evening guys."

  "M-miss Gar, I'm s-so sorry," Janie says frozen.

  "Don't worry about it, Janie. I really don't care anymore. You guys are almost adults. At least you're respectful enough to come outside. It doesn't matter what I say any more, you're all good kids," she says with words a little slurred.

  "Are you drinking?" Janie says, still stunned.

  Ms. Gar nods her head yes, "Scotch, actually. I'm a little stressed with everything that's been going on," She glances up at Ward, who rolls his eyes. She takes a deep breath and shocks me when she says, "Give me one, Janie. It'll help with the stress I think."

  Julie hesitantly pulls out her pack and hands one to Gar, "Um, I thought you quit five years ago when Bubbie died?"

  "Just give me the darn thing," she says with a laugh. She lights it, and it's like she never quit. Smoking like a pro.

  "Can we have some?" Janie says, pointing to her glass, smiling. She knows the answer.

  "Ha, you're pushing it," She says, "but I will be serving some wine tomorrow night with our dinner. I think it's a special occasion, and I have some news I would like to share with everyone," She looks at me, "I can't process your paperwork until Tuesday honey. Sorry. It's Labor Day weekend; I forgot. But I can have a small consultation with you, though."

  "Okay," I say, still not brave enough to take a drag. Ward flicks his cigarette, nearly hitting my leg. He hops off the wall and walks by Ms. Gar. Janie shrugs her shoulders at me.

  Ms. Gar turns her head and shouts loud so he can hear her, "Wear something nice tomorrow, please. I want it to be a formal type dinner."

  "Does Chase need to be changed?" Janie asks.

  "I've already changed him, and given him a bath," Ms. Gar says as she puts out her butt, and flicks it.

  "Okay," Janie says.

  "You're such a good girl, Janie. You really are. I don't think I would make it this far without your help," she slurs.

  I know why Janie looks a little hurt. I know why this compliment rubs her in the wrong way. She told me she wanted a family. She doesn't want to be a 'helper,' she wants to be loved. It's appreciation. Not the kind she wants.

  FOUR

  Getting ready for dinner the next night was really fun. All the girls were in our room, swapping clothes, makeup, and shoes. I chose Janie's tight black dress that fashioned a pink bow on the right side of my hip, the hem barely touched the top of my knee. The one-sleeved style was classy, everyone thought. I perfected my natural ringlets and pinned it to the side with a small pink bow that matched my dress, compliments of Hannah.

  Janie is wearing a dress that she said she bought a while back. It's coral pink, and tight. The sleeves are sheer and sparkly. Her hair is curled, and pinned up into quite the fancy up-do. I'm impressed. Jessica is wearing a lime green scrunched dress, that ruffled in the center. I wore it to homecoming freshman year before I grew boobs. Her hair is pin straight. Hannah is wearing my blue and white flowered sundress. We have similar chest size, so it fits her top perfectly. Her hips make the dress shorter than usual. I straighten her hair and pin it back. We finish, and file out. I'm the last one out, so I slip on my only pair of high heels. They're hot pink and higher than I remember. I have to get down two flights of stairs, damn it.

  When I walk out, Ward is standing at the top of the stairs, and the girls gawk at him as they pass. Hannah says nothing because she's speechless, as well she should be. He's sporting black dress pants, dress shoes, a white collared shirt, sleeves rolled up, and a black vest, tie undone. I stop, standing beside him with my head cocked. He looked me up and down, smiled, nodded his head, and hooked his arm out, inviting mine through it. "You clean up real good, I'm impressed," I say.

  "As do you, as am I," He says as he looks down, but not at my face. I hook my arm in his, and we start down the stairs. When we reach the foyer, Hannah has noticed his arm looped in mine, and the look on her face is just pure embarrassment mixed with a hint of jealousy. I take the last step and unhook my arm from his. He put his left hand on the small of my back, which is unexpected. Hannah has definitely noticed. Her face falls. But I'm not going to stop it. The attention feels nice. He ushers me into the formal dining room.

  The dining room is beautifully decorated, with gold-rimmed china. I pick a seat next to Janie, and Ward pulls out my chair for me. I smile and take it. When he turns around, I quickly look at Janie with a weird look to show her my confusion. She shrugs her shoulders, looks at him to see if he's still turned around, and mouths, 'BOOBS,' while holding out her hands cupped under hers. A weird grunting sound comes from my throat as we both smile and giggle together while looking at each other. Ward comes around the other side of the wide table and sits right in front of me. I feel devious right about now. I don't know what has gotten into me. I lower my shoulders and arch my back, let my girls hang right over the table. Eat your heart out, asshole. I'm not looking a
t him, but I feel his eyes burning a hole right through the middle of me. Hannah picks a seat right next to me, and Jessica next to her. Somewhere between the foyer and the dining room, Hannah's cleavage has gotten more noticeable. As soon as we're seated, Ms. Gar makes her entrance. She's wearing a gold dress that sparkles. It hits every curve. Her shoulders are appropriately adorned with a sheer shawl. Her hair is neatly groomed.

  "Everyone cleans up so well. I'm so happy everyone," She looks at Ward when she says this, "has taken this dinner seriously." Janie gets up and pulls out the big wooden high chair, and brings out Chase; who has traded his blue pajamas for the cutest black tux. Everyone 'awes' at once. "Thank you, Janie," Gar says as she takes her seat at the head of the table. Janie moves Chase between her and Ms. Gar. "I have a few things that I would like to share, and for this, we will have some wine with our dinner, and make a toast. Ward, will you do the honors?" Ms. Gar asks while handing Ward the bottle of wine. Ward gets up, scoots down some chairs, and takes the wine. He takes the already loosened cork out with a pop and pours Ms. Gar's first. He obviously skips over Chase and pours Janie's half full. When he gets to me, he stands right between me and Hannah, slightly turned so he's blocking her. He bends at his waist, takes my wine glass.

  As he pours the wine, he whispers in my ear, "You really do look nice." We lock eyes, and I smile. I'm blushing a thousand shades of red. I really don't know what to think right now. A tingling starts in my lower back and spreads goose bumps like wildfire all over my body.

  Hannah refused wine, she takes some sparkling water instead. He finished pouring the wine and sits back down in his seat. I just cannot take my eyes off of him. He notices and throws me a wink. I shy and look away.

  "Thank you Ward," Ms. Gar commands our attention, "as you know, we're here this evening because I have a few things I would like to share with everyone," she clears her throat, "First and foremost, Ward," She looks to him, "Your lawyer called, and he said that the state has dropped the charges!" Ward smiles and nods his head. We all raise our glasses and take a swig. I look over at Hannah, who has a huge smile on her face. "Alright, I don't quite know how to explain this next part. I've been thinking about this for a while. As you all have seen, the house is nearly empty. I'm no longer accepting foster children here. At my age, I assume you'll all understand. I've had over three thousand children through here in my lifetime. Taking care of children has taken its toll on me. I am no longer able to hire nannies. Even through government funding, it's impossible. When your precious faces leave, I'm going to close the house and use it for my personal use. You are all welcome back here anytime, though. I know you guys have a thousand questions to ask me, but I prefer if you would wait until we are in private. Before everyone starts freaking out, I have even more exciting news. I'm actually adopting my first child," our heads tilt in unison. "I'm going to adopt Chase," Janie's face is lightened up, "I will not give up on any of you. I will work and fight for each and every one of you. You are my last group here, though. I am going to retire."

  Janie sounds like she's close to crying, "You deserve it Ms. Gar. After everything you've been through, I think you seriously deserve it. You are the closest thing to a mother that I've ever had. These past ten years have been heaven to me," tears are sliding down her face, as she wipes them away.

  We all drink the last of our drinks. The familiar alcohol slides down my throat and immediately warms the pit of my stomach. My cheeks flush from the rush of it.

  Janie gets up upon Ms. Gar's request and brings out some plates Ms. Gar has been cooking all day. Veggies, baked chicken, mashed potatoes, and a side salad. She takes two trips to bring it all in. It tastes just as delicious as smells. Smells like southern cooking. Her chicken tastes so close to my mother's. It brings a bittersweet smile to my face.

  I noticed during the dinner, Ward kept looking down; so did Janie. I wonder what they're talking about. Are they talking about me? The phone rings loudly in the other room. Ms. Gar excuses herself from the table, and from the conversation. As she did, Ward gets up from the table and walks out of the dining room. Hannah was following his every move. As soon as his figure disappeared behind the wall, Janie pulls out her phone from her lap. She has me read her text messages to Ward:

  Ward: aye

  Janie: hi. you are right in front of us and you are texting me? what the fuckkkkk?

  Ward: yup. got to share with you.

  Janie: ?

  He sent a picture. A close up of my chest as I was talking to Janie. How the hell did he do that without me noticing?

  Janie: Whyy the hell did you send me a picture of hay's tits?

  Ward: cus i can. (;

  Janie: you such a dick

  Ward: I like boobies.

  Janie: you really like boobies. dont you

  Ward: on some people.

  Janie: like hannah? She has hers out just for you.

  Ward: no. just no.

  Janie: Haha!

  Ward: I would like to put my face in dat hay.

  Janie: ?

  Ward: :p fuck you.

  Janie: Shuddup and go hide some vodka for later.

  I quickly hand the phone to Janie as Ward walks back in the door. I whisper, "Watch this," to Janie as he sits down. I look him dead in the eye, arched my back, took my hands under my breasts, and lifted them up like I was adjusting them. I never took my eyes off of his. He smiled and looked down. Thirty seconds later, Janie shows me a new text message:

  Ward: you bitch. :pp

  Ms. Gar comes back into the dining area, "Sorry about that guys. That was my sister. Her husband isn't doing so well, so I might be leaving for a few days."

  FIVE

  The next day at eight in the morning, Ms. Gar has her consultation with me. She's going over my paperwork, and asking me a few questions in a small office beside the dining room, that smells of lemon cake. She wanted to do it before she leaves today. She asks me about trust funds, schooling, and my history. She signs me up for government medical care. It was a very tedious two hours.

  She tells me about the chores we do, and about finding a job. She told me all of the things Janie has already told me, but I listen politely and nod anyway. We can have cell phones, laptops, and the internet as long as we can pay for them.

  As we finish our meeting, Janie comes around the corner with a few more of Ms. Gar's suitcases. She's been packing for her all morning. Jessica and Hannah are at school. I'm not quite sure where Ward is. I'm not in a low cut shirt, so I don't think he cares where I'm at.

  Ms. Gar leaves in the van around one, Chase is in the back seat. She gives Janie all of the keys to the house and tells us to behave. Mr. Bo, the maintenance man, will be back today sometime. He will be our guardian for the time being. Janie has a good three hours before she has to walk to work. She told me earlier she was going to try and get me a job where she works so I won't have to be Amish anymore. I am pretty elated. We decide to sunbathe until she goes to work. The moment I step out in the hallway, I feel eyes all over me. This makes me feel more self-conscience than before. I decided to wear my zebra bandeau bathing suit, to reduce tan lines. It's also the only other bathing suit I own. Walking down the hallway felt creepier than I remember. The feeling continued when I stepped outside the threshold of the sliding glass door. Janie turned on the boom box and scooted the chairs to the middle of the patio towards the pool. The house casts more of a shadow today than before.

  Janie pushed the top half of the seat down so that the whole seat will be at a one hundred and eighty-degree angle. I decide to do the same thing. We both lay on our stomachs. I put a towel under my head and faced towards her. She props herself up on her elbows and takes her phone from her padded bikini top. I am so relaxed. I'm close to nodding off when Janie starts laughing hysterically. I peek one eye open, and she extends her arm to me with her phone at the end. "Read," Janie says.

  Janie: where r u? have not seen u all day

  Ward: You miss my pretty face

  Ja
nie: of course silly

  Ward: im around. dont worry about it. tell the new girl to turn over. her ass is nice but i want to see the other side.

  My laughing is a hiccupping mess, "What the hell?" I say to Janie, afraid to look up, "Our windows face the front of the house, how can he see us?"

  She sighs, and takes back her phone, "He turned part of the attic into his little 'man cave'," she says man cave with a man's voice, pointing to the top of the house. I giggle. Oh my God, what am I thinking? I should do it, just to tease. This is so not like me, I don't know. I'm going to do it.

  "Hey," I say to Janie while bending my arms around my back. Her head shoots up at me. I unhook the top to my bikini, and throw it across the patio, making sure he'll notice. Janie is laughing so hard. About a minute later, after her thumbs are having their own workout, she hands me her phone.

  Ward: i am having a stroke.

  Janie: her sideboob is amazing.

  Ward: you hate me.

  Janie: you shouldnt have been so mean to her. she might let you look.

  My mouth drops, and I look Janie in the eye, "I'm not that kind of girl!" I say in a whispery voice.

  "Just one question," She says as I raise my eyebrows and give her phone back, "How are you going to get your top back?" She points across the patio. I guess I threw it too far.

  "Can't you get it for me?" I ask.

  She shakes her head no, smiling big, "I think he might," She says as I whip around.

  Ward is beside my top. He's wearing a dark purple plaid shirt, dark denim jeans that are tight, and some sneakers. He picks it up and holds it out with his index finger. "You're going to come and get it," He says with a smirk.

  I'm afraid to move. I knew I shouldn't have done it. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I take the towel, and carefully move it down to cover my chest. I get up and slowly walk to him.