If I Say No (Say Something #2)

by Brandy Jellum

  Although no one was talking to begin with, the room seems to have grown quieter in her presence. Agent Larson closes his book and places it on the arm of the couch. He carefully moves his leg to the floor and extends it in front of him. He leans forward, places his glass on the table, and sits up straight. I watch as his eyes follow Lily across the room and notice how their gazes don’t break from one another.

  Lily looks as beautiful as the first time I saw her. Her blonde hair is loosely braided and drapes over her right shoulder. Her face is devoid of makeup, but she doesn’t need it. She’s a natural beauty and doesn’t need any enhancement. I watch her walk around the couch and take a seat next to Agent Larson. She sits next to him, a bit closer than makes me comfortable.

  The two exchange glances. I try not to notice.

  Agent Johnson loosens the tie from around his neck and clears his throat. Lily looks at me for the first time. There’s something in the way she looks at me that makes me feel uneasy. Her eyes look…guilt-ridden.

  “Reid.” She finally breaks the silence. I watch Agent Larson shift uncomfortably next to her and put his arm around on the back of the couch behind her. “Please, have a seat.”

  As I sit, I see Agent Larson’s fingers graze the top of Lily’s shoulder. She smiles in return.

  That makes my stomach flip.

  Agent Johnson goes to stand by the fireplace on the wall to my left.

  “Joseph said you needed to talk to me,” she says, looking at Agent Larson.

  My throat goes dry and I contemplate grabbing the wine glass off the coffee table and gulping down the contents to calm my nerves. I look back and forth at Lily, Agent Larson, and Agent Johnson. “I was hoping we could have this discussion alone.”

  “I thought so,” Lily says.

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Agent Larson tells us both. He grips the back of the couch and I watch his chest rise as he inhales a sharp breath.

  She looks over at him and smiles. “Devin, it’s okay. There are some things we need to talk about privately.”

  The two of them stare at each other before he breaks away. “Joe and I’ll be in the other room if you need us.”

  Lily lays her hand against his cheek. They share an unspoken moment again, as if no one is in the room but the two of them. I count in my head as I sit and watch. Ten seconds pass, then twenty. Devin sighs and signals for his partner to come with him. Devin stops at the entrance of the living room, and Lily looks over the back of the couch toward him. She nods once, and he leaves the two of us alone.

  “I know why you’re here, Reid. You think you owe me some sort of apology.” She cuts right to the chase. “You blame yourself for what happened, for whatever awful reason. But don’t. You didn’t do anything wrong…unless you think that falling in love with me was wrong. I hope that isn’t the case. Your love gave me the strength I needed to do what I did to protect Ollie. You were the light in my dark world, and that’s the best thing that could’ve ever happened to me. Don’t think for one moment I regret a second we spent together. I never will.”

  I wasn’t expecting this. I was planning on saying what I so desperately needed to say, but she beat me to it. Still, I need to say it.

  “I may not need to apologize for your sake, but I do for mine.” I compose myself. “I let you down, Lily. I couldn’t get you away from my brother. I didn’t keep you safe. I don’t know how you can ever forgive me for that.”

  “I put myself in that position, Reid – not you. I was the fool who married your brother not knowing who he truly was. He was the first man who showered me with a bit of affection, and I jumped at the opportunity to be with him. I didn’t know what I was getting myself in to. None of that had anything to do with you.”

  “But I couldn’t stop him from hurting you.” I stand and walk to the fireplace, staring into the flames. “Every time I saw another bruise you tried to hide, I swore it would be the last time he laid a hand on you, but I never did anything. I let him continue to hurt you. All these years have been wasted because of me.”

  “No,” she says. Her voice is strong and even. “They haven’t been wasted entirely. I do regret having to lie to you and your mother…” I see the pain flicker in her eyes when she mentions my mother. “But I was happy. I am happy. Ollie and I have had an amazing life—a life that no one could have given me. I had to do it for myself. And I did it, as much as it pained me to.”

  I’m amazed by what she’s saying. “You had to fake your death in a fire just to escape him. You’ve had to spend the last eight years hiding in fear of him. You shouldn’t have had to go to such extremes. I should have been the one that helped you. I should have been by your side.”

  She walks to me. “Neither of us would be alive today if that had happened. You know it just as much as I do. Rhett would have killed both of us before we even made it out of there.” She reaches up and caresses my cheek. “You have to let go of the guilt you’ve been holding all these years. You have to accept there is nothing you could’ve done differently. You have to know that your love gave me the strength I needed, the hope for a better life. I’m so sorry that you weren’t able to be a part of it.”

  I don’t know what to say.

  “You have to let it go, Reid. What we had was beautiful. As wrong as it was, it was also very right. We were both there for each other when we had no one else. We helped each other find the light again—even if yours was only temporary, it was still there. If anyone has anything to regret, it’s me. I regret the pain I’ve put you through. I let you believe I was dead, and it sent you right back into the darkness.”

  “It wasn’t—”

  She puts her finger to my lips. “I’m sorry that I did that. I’m sorry I let you think I was dead. I had no idea you would blame yourself. I thought at the most you would mourn for a while, and then move on. I didn’t think you would self-destruct.”

  I raise an eyebrow, wondering how she knows, and she smiles again.

  We stare at each other as I let her words sink in. I want to tell her that none of it was her fault, but I can’t get the words to come. They sit on the tip of my tongue, unwilling to move any further. This is not how tonight was supposed to go, but a sense of peace washes over me nonetheless. Her words have washed away the guilt I’ve been holding inside. She’s right: there’s nothing I could’ve done. Lily did what she had to do to protect herself and her son. If she can do that, then I can forgive myself. I can move on.

  My face is suddenly wet and I can taste the salt of my tears as they touch my lips. Lily stares at me for a moment, laughing softly as she begins to cry, too.

  I pull her into my arms and hold her tightly. I kiss the top of her head and squeeze her one last time before finally letting her go. When I look into her eyes, I can see for the first time how truly happy she is.

  “So, how’s my nephew?”

  Lily looks away for a moment and thinks I don’t catch the hesitation in her eyes. I’m ready to talk about something else, and Ollie is the first thing that comes to my mind. After all this is done, I’m ready to finally see him and be the uncle I should’ve been all this time.

  “Good,” she says. She nods back over toward the couches and I let her lead us back over to them. We take a seat next to one another, facing each other. “He’s upstairs right now sleeping.”

  “He is?” My heart races. I want to jump up off the couch and find him. I want to hold him in my arms and promise that I will never let him down again. I want to promise him that I’m going to be the best damn uncle I can be. “I didn’t think you’d have him here with everything going on.”

  “That’s exactly why I have him here.” She laughs, and I’m truly happy to be able to hear her laugh again. It’s a reminder that she is really here. That she is alive. “You don’t think I’d let him out of my sight, do you?”

  I may have missed out on the last few years but I remember Lily was so protective when it came to her baby boy. I look at her, and we laugh. I
don’t know why, but we just do. “And you?” I ask her. “How are you doing?”

  “I’m good.” She sighs and smiles. “I’m seeing someone…he’s good to me. He’s good to Ollie.”

  “Devin, right?” I raise an eyebrow and look at her. She doesn’t reply, but I know my assumptions are correct. “Well, I’d warn him that if he did anything to hurt either of you that he would have answer to me, but he’s a trained killing machine, so I’m not too sure that’s a good idea.”

  She laughs again and the sound brings a sense of peace over me. I’ve missed her. I’m glad she’s here now. I’m happy she’s alive and well. Sitting here with her, watching the smile light up her face as she talks about Agent Larson, makes me realize how much I love Liza. I want nothing more than to go home to her, tell her everything and beg for her forgiveness.

  “And how are things with you?” She means the wedding.

  “Not so good,” I tell her. “She thinks we’re both too messed up to be together. She might be right, but I’m not ready to believe that. I can’t give up on us. I just don’t know how to fix it.”

  The truth hits me suddenly. I’m ready to tell her everything, but I’m afraid it might be too late. I don’t want to think there’s no going back, but I have to prepare myself for anything. My telling her the truth doesn’t guarantee her forgiveness. I have to make sure she understands how much she means to me.

  “I know you two will work it out. It may be a long and bumpy road. But you love her, Reid. Don’t let her walk away.”

  That strengthens my resolve to make things right. “I don’t intend to,” I tell her.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  I LEAVE LILY’S HOUSE FEELING RENEWED. Devin and I shake hands and exchange knowing looks. I know I can trust him to take care of her, in a way I never did. It’s a difficult truth to admit, but it feels as if a burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I’m ready to truly move on.

  On the short car ride home, the rain falls hard and steady and Agent Johnson took his time. I’m eager to see Liza. I feel like a teenager again. Like I’m getting my first kiss, or a new car, or even losing my virginity. I rush upstairs. Instead of Liza, I find a note.

  Gone with Marco to look for Isaac.

  Don’t know when we will be back.

  Don’t bother waiting up.

  “Damn it!” I shouldn’t have left her to go see Lily.

  I pull out my cell and call her. After the first ring, it goes straight to voicemail. I hang up and call Marco and get the same thing. I try Liza again. The voicemail recording plays and I’m about to hang up when it beeps.

  “Liza,” I say sharply. I pause for a second and calm myself. “I don’t know what the two of you are up to, but I would like it if you came home. We need to talk. I’m ready to talk. Please call me when you get this so I know you’re safe. Please be safe. And tell Marco if anything happens to you, no one will ever hear from him again.”

  I pace the room, clutching the note in my hand. What the hell is wrong with Marco, letting Liza go with him? I get that he’s upset. I get that his best friend has been taken by a psychopath. But he’s not thinking straight. He says I never think about outcomes, but at the moment that’s all I can think about, and none of them are good.

  I scroll to Marco’s name and hit the call button. Fear pulsates through my veins, and I chew on the inside of my cheek as the phone rings. It goes to voicemail again. “Marco!” I yell. “I don’t know what the hell you were thinking letting Liza tag along with you but this is bullshit. You’d better bring her home safely and quickly, asshole.”

  I can’t sit around waiting for one of them to return my call. I have to go find them.

  I grab my keys off the nightstand next to the bed and leave my room. I take the stairs two at a time. I climb into my car, race down my drive and out onto the main road. I don’t know where to even begin looking for them, but I reach the center of town in a matter of minutes. I drive slowly up and down the streets looking for Marco’s SUV.

  I drive across Longport to my brother’s old stomping grounds. I look up and down each street and alley. I finally pull to a stop outside a run-down bar where my brother used to hang out. A row of motorcycles lines the front of the ratty brick building. I pause outside the entrance and take a moment to gather my courage. I straighten my back, yank open the door and walk inside the dimly lit bar. I’m assaulted by the stench of stale smoke and cheap alcohol.

  Several large men in leather chaps and biker vests turn to look at me. A short older woman saunters over to my part of the bar. She looks me over and smiles. “You lost, boy?”

  I scan the room again and notice that everyone is watching me. “No. I’m looking for someone…Rhett Harder. Has he been around lately?”

  Her eyes flash with anger that backs me away from the bar. “Anyone who associates with that pig ain’t welcome here.”

  I hear the sound of chairs scraping against the floor and turn around. The guy who’s standing is a tank. The floor rattles as he stalks toward me. I put my hands up and slowly back toward the door. “All right, man…I’m going.”

  I stumble out the front door. At least I know now that I’m not the only one who doesn’t want my brother around.

  Cold rain splashes on my face and I inhale a breath of fresh air before I make the dash to my car.

  I stop at several more places I knew my brother used to go, but they’re all the same dead end. I try to reach Marco and Liza as I continue my search. No one answers, and no one returns my voicemails. The sky is beginning to lighten before I finally head back to the house. I’ve exhausted every possible place they could be. I’m wet and I’m tired and I can only assume the worse.

  I make my way to the kitchen, walk into the pantry and move things around until I find a bottle of twenty-year-old scotch that I hid from my mother. I set the bottle on the bar and pull a water glass out of the cupboard. I open the bottle and pour out three fingers. I pick up the glass, swirl the golden liquid around, take a moment to inhale the strong, peaty smell, and knock back the shot. The scotch burns as it slides down the back of my throat. I pour another.

  As I bring the glass to my lips for the third time, I hear the front door slam against the wall. I rush out of the kitchen, ignoring the affect the alcohol is having on me. I skid to a stop. My heart seizes and I forget how to breathe.

  Liza is here, her clothes wet and muddy. Dark circles underline her eyes and her dark hair, weighed down by the rain, is plastered against her face. She looks like she’s about to collapse under the weight on her shoulder. She has her arm wrapped around a very beaten and bloodied Isaac. “You found him?” I say, incredulous.

  “Uh, yeah…we did,” Liza says.

  Marco is on the other side of him. He seems to be struggling as well. Isaac looks unconscious, but he winces when Liza tries to adjust her weight under him.

  “Get over here and help us!” Marco’s voice is weak but carries his standard gruffness.

  My eyes never leave Liza’s as I close the distance between us. I take her place beneath Isaac’s arm. “I’ve got him.” I end up carrying most of the weight myself. It seems to take forever to reach Marco’s room.

  We lay Isaac on Marco’s bed. I catch sight of Liza out the corner of my eye and rush over to her. I don’t say anything, just pull her into my arms and crush her against my chest. Tears threaten to escape as I bury my face in her wet, matted hair. I kiss the top of her head five times before I finally let go, and give her a full look over.

  “Are you okay?” My voice is small.

  Liza meets my gaze and nods.

  “Don’t ever do that to me again. Do you hear me?” I pull her against my chest again and she lets out a soft sob. Tears stream down my face as I hold her against me and I can feel the beating of her heart.

  Marco moans as if he is in excruciating pain. I watch him fall down onto the chair. I crouch in front of him. “Are you all right?”

  He clutches his side and moans again. He brings h
is hand away and I look down to see it covered in blood. I lift his shirt and find a small hole on his left side. I press my fingers against his abdomen and he jumps in his seat. He’s been shot. My heart beats rapidly in my chest. “What the hell happened?” I look between him and Liza. “You’ve been shot.” I say to Marco. It’s a statement rather than a question. Where’s your vest? Are you guys that stupid that you didn’t think of wearing one? Didn’t it cross your mind that if you actually found Isaac, whoever was with him might have a gun? This is my brother we’re talking about.” The words stumble on one another. Neither of them respond. I glare at Marco and stand up. “You, of all people, know not to go in blind and unprepared. Or without any protection. What if this was Liza? What if Liza was the one who got shot?” I’m shouting at him and my body tenses.

  A hand touches my shoulder and I jump back. I turn to find myself face to face with Liza, who is staring at me with a softness in her eyes.

  My breathing is short and hard.

  “Shouting at him isn’t going to help.” She looks so tired and I know she needs to rest. “We need to take them to the hospital. They need help.”

  “No hospitals.” Marco’s voice is rough. “Call Isaac’s wife; she knows what to do.”

  “Are you sure she should see him in his condition?” I look over at Marco. My anger simmers down when I see how much pain he’s in. His skin is as pale as a ghost. It won’t be much longer before he passes out from the blood loss. “What’s her number?”

  “It’s in my phone.”