Everything Changes

by Shey Stahl

  Did he see a girl that loved a boy so completely that she would do anything, be anything he wanted?

  Part of me hoped that he didn’t see that because I didn’t want to be that girl anymore.

  I felt his hand sliding up my side, around my shoulder, and up my arm until his fingers brushed across the metal on my left hand.

  “Take this off,” he murmured, never looking away from me, but his eyes were cloudy, as if he was lost inside. Maybe he was because I sure as hell was.

  Without hesitation, I slid the ring off. He reached for it and dropped it beside me knowing he held every string to my heart. His hands came up to mine, lacing our fingers together. “Please don’t marry him,” he said, his lips barely moving around the words.

  It seemed—or maybe it was just me—that epiphanies always happened at the worst possible time. Like how I realized that what Parker and I had was real all along.

  CHAPTER 26

  Parker O’Neil

  Blocked Pass

  A blocked pass happens when a rider overtakes another rider by moving into his opponent’s path, effectively blocking his line of travel.

  July 29, 2002

  I woke up in the morning wishing that our life was right here in this very condo surrounded by steep valleys and the warm sun. My neck was stiff, as always, my back sore, every muscle aching for a different reason. I shifted and noticed her lying against me, her face pressed against my arm, our sweat making us stick together.

  How she could sleep all tangled up was beyond me but someone reassuring that she felt the need to sacrifice comfort for closeness.

  Why did she control me this way?

  Why did she always put the block pass on me?

  I went for a quick run while Ro slept, trying to clear my head, but it didn’t work. When I got back, sweating and panting, Ro was there staring at me. The hunger in her stare took me by surprise.

  I couldn’t stop myself. She begged me without saying the words; her movement consumed and possessed me as I entered her again.

  Ro wanted to change this, she did. She wanted what we had returning to the red rocks where our love was formed.

  “I hate that it’s not easy.”

  “Nothing is ever easy,” I said, feeling the warm breeze against my back. Ro twisted, her heat consuming me as I consumed her.

  We were twenty-one. Why couldn’t we finally get our shit together?

  Why was something always in our way?

  I leaned forward kissing her forehead, my head resting against her chest.

  She looked up at me as though I was her answer. I wanted to be. I could be. But I wasn’t. All these years I was never the answer.

  Leaning in, her scent clouded anything I felt or wanted to feel in that moment. “It’s your choice.” My heated breath swept over her shivering skin. “I won’t be your reason.”

  My words hung in the valley like fog waiting to shroud everything we once were. She looked up at me, and I could instantly see the combination of trepidation and happiness, but then there was that confusion again.

  Honestly, the situation itself pissed me off, and I was left not knowing how to feel about it, besides being pissed that we couldn’t change it. Part of me wished we could have just got our shit together and talked.

  I held her stare for a long beat before she stirred below me. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel,” I said, sitting up and removing myself from her. “Where does this leave us?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Are you going to marry him?” I was pressing for answers she didn’t have or maybe didn’t want to say.

  “I don’t know,” she said, as she started to put her clothes back on. My eyes immediately went to the ring that remained on the nightstand beside her. I hated that tiny piece of metal, fucking hated it because it told me I was too late. I let another opportunity slip away. I could have shown her that I wanted her. I could have called more, begged her to stay, gave more of myself, but I didn’t in fear it wasn’t what she wanted. And now a ring haunted me.

  I turned away, pulling my shorts on and buttoning them. Ro’s eyes traveled down my stomach scattered with scars. “Why couldn’t you have at least called one time? Why was it always me calling you?”

  My heart dropped when I saw her tears again, and I tried to ignore it but couldn’t.

  “Honestly, Parker, I was afraid that if I called you wouldn’t answer or that another girl would answer the phone,” she admitted, and my heart sunk a little more knowing that she had called and a girl answered—Kayla. I knew that because Kayla had my cell phone a lot managing my appearances and schedule.

  Things weren’t what they seemed with Kayla. She was my agent but also a friend. Maybe a shitty one, but she usually looked out for me on the business side, or so I thought. I was wrong again. It was a dirty pass, really, but a lesson learned.

  “You know that I was never with Kayla, right?” I asked, my hands finding her cheeks to make her look at me. So much had already been said but we needed the truth out there finally. Every hesitation needed to be put to rest.

  Ro nodded, no more fears for this. “I know that she lied to me. I know…it was only me.”

  “Do you believe what you’re saying?” For once, my words weren’t in my way, no more fears.

  Finally, after five years, she gave me some truth. “Yes, I do.”

  CHAPTER 27

  Rowan Jensen

  Pitched

  Being pitched happens when the bike or rider is thrown awkwardly due to changes in the terrain.

  July 29, 2002

  I’m not sure how the conversation between Parker and I switched the morning we left, but it did and words replaced movements, speaking was easier now.

  Only now we were discussing why Sean. That was Parker’s constant persistent question, why Sean?

  And then he asked if I was with Sean physically, though he already knew the answer. He knew my body was only his. As strange as that sounded, I couldn’t be with Sean like that.

  “I never asked who was in your bed when I wasn’t, Parker.” I knew he had women worshiping his every move as it came with the fame. Like I said, I couldn’t understand how our conversation got to who we had and hadn’t slept with.

  “No one ever was,” he said, throwing a clean shirt over his scarred shoulders.

  “Huh?”

  “Rowan...” he shook his head with a small smirk “...you’re the only girl I’ve ever been with intimately.” I knew that from his words a few nights ago when he said he tried and couldn’t.

  “Ever?”

  “It’s only been you, ever,” he repeated, nodding as though he was trying to convince me of this. Time and time again, I imagined Kayla and Parker together, and now that I knew for sure they hadn’t been together, it was like a weight was lifted.

  We were quiet before he spoke again, his voice nervous as we made our way outside to where his bike was. “Did you…” He paused, swallowing thickly, and eyed me with extreme caution. His words came to him after he threw his leg over the bike. “What about Sean?”

  “I couldn’t do that to you,” I whispered in his ear, sliding in behind him. For a moment my confession just hung between us.

  “I never asked you not to.”

  “You didn’t have to.” He knew, he always knew, but the reassurance was nice. “It felt wrong to me.”

  “Me too,” he agreed, but then shifted his position on the bike to look back at me. “Didn’t he ever question it? I mean the sex...you guys were seeing each other for years and it never came up?”

  It wasn’t an accusing question. He was honestly curious how a guy could go nearly four years with someone and not have sex, but I also wasn’t sure by the look on his face if he really wanted to know the answer.

  It took me a moment to answer but I did. “It came up a lot, and we got close a few times…” Parker closed his eyes. I was sure the images in his head weren’t pleasant ones. I knew that the ones I had of Kayla and him weren’
t, and those were images that weren’t real. “I told him I wanted to wait, and he never pushed the issue.”

  Parker gave me a nod, his stare on my left hand again and the ring I had yet to put back. He knew that I hadn’t made my decision and that was bothering him.

  We made it to Salt Lake City and stopped for lunch that afternoon.

  “What should I do?” I asked him, staring at my ice tea and the blinking light on my cell phone.

  “We’ve solved absolutely nothing.” He growled into his hands. “We’re back to where we were before, me waiting, you leaving. Everything I said is true but it’s you who needs to make this decision. I can’t do it for you.”

  “I know.” I sighed. “I don’t understand why I can’t just change the situation. Why did I have to mess things up so badly?”

  Parker squinted at me wrinkling his nose as though I should have known. “Sometimes everything changes and you’re left wondering how it happened and where you could have down shifted.” He shrugged, toying with a sugar packet in his hands. “Sometimes you wonder how you missed the track changing and then before you know it…” he ripped the sugar packet open and let the tiny grains fall on the table at his fingertips “…you’re pitched from the bike.”

  We stared at each other for a moment, the waiter taking our empty plates, eying Parker’s sugar mess and then leaving us alone.

  “I want to do right by you, Ro,” he said, sounding sincere. “I always have. I don’t want to see you put that ring back on. I only want to see you wearing a ring I give you…but I can’t make you do that. I want you in every way possible. But you’re not mine to have right now.”

  “I know you do, Parker.” I sighed resting my head against my hands. “And more than anything I want to do right by you. I don’t want to hurt you…and I don’t want to hurt Sean.”

  It was easy for Parker to hate Sean and for Sean to hate Parker, but the reality of the situation was Sean had done nothing wrong. He was an innocent bystander in all this and deserved someone who truly loved him, not a girl whose heart was held by someone else.

  “I never stopped thinking about you. Every thought I have is related to you…and I hate that at times,” Parker admitted when we were back standing by his bike. “And I know that shouldn’t be your problem. It’s just that I can’t let you go.”

  I leaned into him, sliding my hand down his arm until I found his hand and intertwined our fingers as soon as they met. “Sorry,” I said, looking into his eyes, wanting to apologize for every time I ran when I should have stayed.

  Parker smiled down at me, understanding. “I know it was hard for you too.”

  “Why do we do this to each other?”

  “I wish I knew why, Ro, I really do. It could have been a lot easier these past five years.”

  I remembered what Justin and Parker had talked about that day I was in the hot tub. “Tell me about your dad.”

  Parker hung his head. He knew what I was referring to. “All right.” After a long pause, he spoke slowly. “When I raced MX, everyone I ever came in contact with growing up always told me how much potential I had. I was the shit and I knew it. Then when I would get home, I had a reminder that I was nothing compared to Jeremy, my dad. In his eyes, no one would be. At fourteen, I had a factory ride and was well on my way to that first championship. I knew things were bad at home, but on the track it didn’t matter. I could escape from reality and be what I wanted to be, a championship rider.”

  I glanced at him, my eyes breaking from the cup in my hand to his. His face was intense.

  “Out there it didn’t matter if my heart was breaking or that I could never get my shit together,” he said with emphasis.

  He looked away, his focus on his own cup and sighed. “I know you want me to talk about him, like he’s what caused me to be this way, and maybe he is, but it doesn’t matter. The truth is I hid behind my talent in hopes that it would take what I had no control over and turn it into something I did. And then there’s you…” His words hit with a thud knowing that just like his dad, I had a certain amount of power over him. “I thought that if I focused on riding I could forget that you thought what we had wasn’t good enough. But I couldn’t stop thinking about you. Every time you left it was like my heart was ripped out. I kept telling myself I wouldn’t call again…and then I would.” He blew out a breath and ran his hand through his hair, his elbows resting on the table. “I just couldn’t stop with you. I don’t know why I hung on so tightly, but if I had to guess it was because that summer with you...that was the first time since I threw a leg over a bike that I wanted something other than riding. I wanted you.” The self-loathing in his voice took me by surprise, and I looked at him. He wasn’t looking at me. He was looking at the door where an older couple dressed in leather walked in having rode up on Harleys.

  I set my cup down and wrapped my hands around my neck as the memories of that summer wandered back.

  “Parker…” I said, feeling the need to interject now. “We are both to blame. I never truly listened to what you were saying…”

  He held up a hand to stop me. “I know. I know that I could have stopped and talked to you. Instead, I was afraid of what you would say.” His voice was low and gritty. “I was afraid that if I asked, you would tell me something I didn’t want to hear. I never asked my dad what upset him so much about me racing when he encouraged it. Had I asked, maybe he wouldn’t have…” He closed his eyes and tipped his head forward, fisting his hair in hands. I had no idea that he had tied the two relationships together like this, but now it made sense as to why he was shy, why he kept to himself.

  “Then Kayla told me about Sean…” He paused and sucked in a deep, shaky breath. He was so distraught over this I almost felt guilty for bringing it up but we needed to say this. “I didn’t want her to be right. But fuck…” he ran his hands over his face, covering his eyes for a moment. “...I also couldn’t blame you for turning to him. I was pissed when I found out about him, that you were still seeing him, but I couldn’t blame you.”

  We were both quiet as I processed everything he said to me. What we did, why we treated each other the way we did sucked, but we were young and naïve to what it was we were really doing to each other. Now it was clear.

  We sat in silence until I was finally able to ask what I wanted to ask. “Where does this leave us now?”

  He chuckled but it wasn’t from amusement, it was confusion or maybe even spite. “I told you, Ro. I don’t want you to marry him. I don’t. But I can’t make this decision for you. I just hope that you make the right one.”

  He looked at me long and hard like he was making sure I understood that this was something I needed to do for me, not for Parker or even Sean. This was on me.

  On one hand, it was easier to know that Parker still cared for me. I liked that he was willing to fight for me. On the other hand, it scared me because it made my decision that much harder. Any way I looked at it someone would be hurt.

  August 1, 2002

  When Parker and I got back to Shelton, it was the day before the wedding. Addy was there waiting for me inside my apartment, Sean wasn’t.

  For a long moment, she said nothing but hello. And then she spoke. “He knows where you went. I didn’t tell him but I think he figured it out on his own when you didn’t come home from work.”

  I nodded, feeling the tears stream down my heated cheeks. The impassive way she stared at me let me know she understood but wouldn’t tell me what she thought I should do. Addy knew me well enough to know I couldn’t let go of Parker. I just couldn’t. And as much as I wanted this week with him to be a goodbye, it wasn’t. I could never tell Parker goodbye and mean it. Where this left me was I either married Sean and ran the risk of constantly seeing Parker whenever I couldn’t handle it, or, and it was a big or, I called it off with Sean and went back to where I belong.

  “What do I do, Addy?” I was looking to my best friend for an answer. She knew that, but it wasn’t an answer she could gi
ve me.

  “Honestly, Ro...” Addy’s blue eyes sparkled with tears “...I want you to be happy…and you have only ever been happy with Parker. When you’re with him you come to life and you’re in the moment with him. But when you’re with Sean, your eyes are distant and swimming in a memory. I don’t know how you even got to where you are with Sean. I know you said you were trying to be your own person, but do you honestly think marrying a man you don’t love is the answer?”

  With my best friends arms wrapped around me, it was easy to see all the sides to this. I could finally see what I had done. “I turned to Sean because I wanted a distraction here, a way to come back down from the high I felt with Parker.”

  “You could have been with Parker, though, sweetie.”

  “I know that now,” I said through tears, soaking my face and her shirt. “I was scared, scared of everything he was and I wasn’t.”

  “You are the only one that can make the decision here…but be honest with yourself first. I know that you are worried about your mom and dad but they will be fine. Your mom has been this way since you were a kid, nothing will change there, so when is it time for you?”

  Addy was absolutely right. I needed to be honest with myself and with Sean. Sean needed to know the truth. And the truth was I couldn’t marry him if my heart belonged to Parker. I also needed to be honest with myself that none of this had to do with my family. It was me.

  When I got back to our apartment the night before the wedding Sean wasn’t there. In fact, neither were his clothes and I couldn’t blame him one bit.

  CHAPTER 28

  Parker O’Neil

  Conditions