Everything Changes

by Shey Stahl

  When a rider refers to conditions he is referring to whether the track is muddy, tacky or hard-packed.

  August 2, 2002

  The implication of our time seemed to weigh heavily on Ro, crushing her even. I knew the feeling. Ro wanted something she could count on, but she never thought she could count on me. I was never going to hurt her. Yeah, my lifestyle could have, but I would never let that happen and that was all that mattered. The rest of that shit could have been figured out.

  The morning of the day she’d no longer be mine I could barely let go of the bottle. It was the same bottle I’d clung to for the past few months. Drowning in alcohol seemed easier than floating or maybe sinking was easier than fighting.

  Today he would be putting a ring around her finger, unless she stopped him, and he’d tell her he loved her. It was something I should be doing. I thought about the moment I could have promised her forever and didn’t. I should have never left and let her find comfort in him.

  From the distance, I brought the remedy to my lips watching as she approached him. My grip on the bottle tightened. Her stance rigid and unfamiliar. She was scared. Revulsion flowed through my veins as I watched them together. My nerves were sailing.

  Rick found me and I wondered if he would have something to say for the years of heartache I caused his only daughter, but he said the opposite. “You should be the one down there right now.”

  He was right. I nodded and he pulled me into a hug. “She won’t go through with it. I know my daughter and she won’t.”

  The thing was I wasn’t so sure now watching them embraced in a hug.

  “I’m sorry…”

  Rick shook his head. “Nothing to be sorry about, son. You said what you needed to say. The rest is up to Ro.”

  Again, he was right. This wasn’t something I could decide or pressure her into. So I waited in the staging area for her to come to starting gate.

  CHAPTER 29

  Rowan Jensen

  Stoppie

  When a rider grabs the front brake causing the bike to pitch forward into an endo-wheelie and continues moving.

  August 2, 2002

  The day of the wedding I wasn’t even sure Sean wanted to marry me anymore. Since I returned, I hadn’t seen him. Like I said, last night when I got to the apartment, his clothes were gone.

  Addy and my mom, who was convinced she was renewing her vows today, got everything together that morning and headed out to their vacant property in McCleary.

  It was raining that morning, an indication to me that this was a bad sign to begin with.

  Addy spent the morning battling Bryce who wanted nothing to do with getting dressed in a tuxedo or the fact that he had to stand still and behave, two things two-year-olds didn’t do.

  When we showed up with our dresses in hand and I saw Sean there, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, I wasn’t sure there’d be a wedding.

  Briefly, my eyes focused on Justin who pulled into the parking lot with Ben, my dad, and Parker, of all people. He stayed near the truck with Justin, a bit apprehensive of his presence here.

  Sean stood relaxed against his Camaro, his head hanging in sadness. For a moment, he didn’t speak.

  I watched him closely, my mind trying to justify what I wanted to say. For a second, I looked at him, really looked at him, understanding that I barely knew Sean. I didn’t know him like I knew Parker.

  It felt like this was the first time I looked at him this way, openly and honestly. He was handsome, and I knew his face well. I’d seen him smile, shout, and sleep, but I’d never seen him like this. But then again, maybe I never paid any attention to it.

  I was ashamed that I knew so little about him and more so that I hurt him. I felt a chill across my neck, momentarily imagining what my life would be if I did marry Sean.

  The girls gave us space, busied themselves with last minute details I was almost positive wouldn’t be needed now. My heart pounded with regret for Sean, for us, but mostly for Parker, and he was the one who was hurt the worst in this. All this time he’d remained true to me, and yet here I was thinking what we had meant nothing to him, when all along it was everything.

  “I need to talk to you, Sean,” I said, walking towards him.

  “Okay.” He nodded, his head remained down avoiding my gaze but I could see the frozen mask of uncertainty. He knew where I was going with this. There was a pause and then he spoke slowly. “I need to talk to you too.”

  Then he looked up at me sharply, arching his brow. There was so much energy and emotion bouncing around between us that it was hard to breathe. I swallowed thickly but I couldn’t look away from him. I needed to say this.

  “I’m fine.”

  It wasn’t even the correct response for the question. It was another moment when I said the exact opposite of what I was thinking.

  “No…you’re not fine.” Sean finally looked at me, his eyes earnest and sad. His gaze told our story. It was a story of a boy that tried to save a girl from herself and she used him as a bandage for the pain. Now he was ripping it away and saying, “Here, deal with it. I won’t be your reason anymore.”

  I inhaled a deep breath, letting the air fill my lungs. I felt like I needed every tiny grain of strength I could muster to say what I needed to say.

  “Tell me.” Sean looked from me to the ground again. His posture straightened slightly as if he was trying to prepare himself.

  “Tell you?” I looked at him, eyebrows raised trying to figure out what he was saying, but then it made sense. He knew all along. He knew where I was this past week and more importantly, who I was with.

  “Just say it.”

  “I can’t do this with you anymore.” His eyes held that same sadness they did every time he told me he loved me and I said nothing. Every time he kissed me and my mind betrayed him and pulled away from him. He knew now that there wasn’t anything I could do about it. I loved another man and would always love Parker.

  Sean finally saw it. He dragged in a deep shuttering breath just as mine hitched on exhale. My eyes burned with tears as I struggled to breathe. “You don’t love me, do you?”

  His words were like a sledgehammer to the walls I built around myself hoping I wouldn’t feel this. The fact of the matter was I did have feelings for Sean, just not as strong as the ones I felt for Parker.

  “I’m sorry, Sean…I can’t marry you,” I blurted out feeling the weight lifting already, a light in the darkness surrounding me. “It’s not fair to you, and I’m sorry I lied to you. I was stupid and I’m sorry.”

  My head hung just as his once did. I couldn’t bear to see another set of eyes staring back at me with sadness. “I’m sorry,” I mumbled again, feeling the tears again.

  “So…all those times you were telling me no…” His voice faded and I knew what he was implying. Sex. It was an argument we had quite often. “You were with him, weren’t you?” The anger and resentment in his voice shook each word and in turn made my heart feel like he was shattering it.

  “Please don’t make this harder.”

  “Harder for you?” he shouted. “How the fuck to you think I feel?”

  I saw Parker standing beside Justin who grabbed his arm when he stepped forward. The last thing we needed was for Parker to get involved. Sean nodded, his body relaxing slightly after a moment, and then let out a whoosh of breath he’d been holding. “I think I always knew.” Sean glanced to Parker in the distance the hint of anger he tried to bury flared. “You can’t marry me when you look at him like that.”

  “Sean I—” I never wanted to hurt him and the fact that I did and it could have been prevented was killing me inside.

  His tender fingers silenced me. “Ro, I’m not dumb…just subjectively blind, I guess.” His arms wrapped around my shoulders. “I’ve known. I just thought maybe it was just a fling, something you’d outgrow, but now I know…you belong with him, not me.”

  “I never meant to hurt you, Sean…I just…” My tears took on a life of their own.r />
  Sean also knew he wasn’t the comfort I needed. “Take care of yourself, Rowan.”

  With one final hug, I let go of a man who may not be the love of my life, but he did show me where I belonged. He would forever be a friend to me.

  When I turned around, the rain picked up as if it signified the meaning behind my situation. My dad walked past me towards Sean with his hands in his pockets. He winked at me and nodded his head at the view behind us. “Go talk to him,” my dad said, tipping his head to Parker who was leaning against Justin’s truck.

  I looked over my shoulder to see Sean walking over to him. I wasn’t at all surprised by Sean’s reaction right then either. As soon as he got to Parker, he punched him, as if he was getting in the last word.

  In all actuality, Parker knew it was coming when he asked me to get on that bike.

  I heard the commotion, Justin pushed Sean away from Parker as Ben came around the other side of the truck too, ready to break it up.

  Parker, stunned but expecting it, caught himself before he fell to the ground, his head hanging as he swept his hand over his bleeding lip. As I expected, he squared his shoulders as if he was saying that he wouldn’t take another hit. That was the only shot Sean was getting.

  My eyes remained wide wondering what was about to happen when nothing happened.

  Sean kept his gaze level with Parker’s and give him a nod and then got in his car to leave.

  Parker stood there staring at the ground.

  When Parker looked up at me, everyone else walked away knowing we needed to talk.

  When I reached him, rain pelted down on us, drowning out the heavy breathing. My words, whatever I chose to say to him right then, would be what we’d become. Moments passed as everything changed again. I reached up to run my hand across his cheek and wipe the blood from his now swollen lip. He swallowed but said nothing.

  “I couldn’t marry him when my heart belongs to you.” I paused and our eyes met as he waited patiently for what I would say next. “Parker… I can’t be without you again.” I bared my soul just as he did, time and time again. Only now, it wasn’t me saying, “I love you but…” It was just me saying, “I love you.” No implications, no buts, nothing but I love you.

  Parker gave me an emotional smile, but his only answer was pressing his lips to mine. Then he said what I needed to hear. “I’ll never let you forget it either.”

  CHAPTER 30

  Rowan O’Neil

  Parade Lap

  This is typically done by the pros at larger events. The winner of the race takes an extra lap around the track for the fans entertainment.

  October 22, 2005

  When I watched Parker race, I thought about my own experiences riding and what inspired me to do so. I loved the freedom it gave me and the sense of pride knowing I could do what some men struggled to do. But still, I hadn’t rode a dirt bike since my time spent with Parker in Moab back in ‘97. I guess I just didn’t have the interest after that. The following winter when he left to race Supercross, I sold it to buy a plane ticket to see him in Anaheim.

  Back then I lived for phone calls, shy glances, and smirks.

  Now I lived for…well…I lived for what my life was.

  My life had changed a lot since then.

  Now I was Parker’s wife. I didn’t wait on phone calls, shy glances, or smirks. I had those all the time.

  “Take a deep breath,” Parker said to me in a sweet sugary tone that I loved. He noticed me staring at him in the staging area of Sam Boyd Stadium. It wasn’t the first time I had been to a race of his but tonight felt different. If felt different because of everything we had accomplished over the years.

  “I’m sorry it’s just that I’m sweating and my arm pits are itching.” I pulled at my t-shirt, the warm Vegas sun beating down on me.

  “Why are your armpits itching?”

  I shrugged, looking over at the photographers and stadium full of fans. “I don’t know. I’m nervous,” I looked up at the sky, reminded of how many times I looked up there for answers and now I wasn’t really looking for an answer. I had them. The sky was crystal clear, no clouds in sight. A million stars blinking back at me with a full moon staring back at me.

  I looked over at Parker, the lights of the stadium catching his eyes.

  “Shouldn’t I be the one nervous?” His grin was hard to ignore as he tried to be supportive, but it should have been me being the supportive one.

  This was Parker’s first full season in the AMA Supercross series since his accident and now here he was competing in the Monster Energy Cup after winning the outdoor Motocross series and placing third in the Supercross series. No one said he’d come back, but he did and I was nervous.

  Two years ago, a month after our wedding, Parker had decided with an edge of vengeance that no one was ever going to tell him he couldn’t race professionally. Yeah, it was dangerous but he was tired of not being what he wanted. He was tired of guys like Dusty trying to measure him up all the time or men like his dad, Jeremy, telling him he’d never amount to anything. If he wasn’t racing, in his eyes, he wasn’t living, so he changed that.

  Jeremy was really hard on Justin and Parker when they were growing up, but I honestly think, and Jack and Michelle would agree with me, that it made those boys who they were today. They were great guys and even better husbands. Parker worked every day to get back into the physical condition that he had been in before the accident. The pressure in the series was harder than ever, but Parker was up to the challenge, and I did everything I could to support him. We had moved to Scottsdale, Arizona, a place where Parker had always loved and he was able to train every day. I still saw my family a lot and Addy and Justin daily; they were now our neighbors.

  My parents still lived in Shelton, and my dad still ran the same shop. When I thought about my parents, the two people that were supposed to teach me how to handle life and what was thrown my way, I always had two very different viewpoints. My dad was always matter-of-fact and this was the way it would be. He let me experience life, gave his opinion when I wanted, but never forced me to do anything. There were no secrets with him.

  My mom was the complete opposite and lived in a fairytale land, rightfully so given her circumstances. It was safe to say I lived a sheltered life and I really had no idea how to handle what Parker and I were at such a young age. I spent a lot of time wondering, observing, and judging for myself how the world worked and why certain people were handed the life they wanted where others were forced to fight for everything they had. While I didn’t think it was right, it had a way of making you understand that things just happened and sometimes you couldn’t control it or change it.

  My life played out the way it was meant to be. I was meant to be with Parker, and though I appreciated what Sean taught me about life and love, because he did teach me some things, I wasn’t meant to be with Sean.

  After the deal with Sean, and Parker’s accident, we both realized a very important part of our lives. Change. It could happen in the blink of an eye and it wasn’t always bad. Sometimes change was good. Sometimes it showed you where you were meant to be all along.

  Sean and I remained friends, and he eventually married his high school girlfriend. Now have a little boy. He was happy and that was all I ever wanted from him. That didn’t mean Sean wouldn’t glare at Parker when we came home to Washington, because he did, but life had changed considerably and for the better this time.

  I still had fear of change and the unexpected at times, but I was doing better and I had Parker to thank for that. Was I scared of his lifestyle now that he was racing again?

  Yeah, I was at times, but he was there every step of the way, holding my hand and showing me this change was good and that together we could get through anything.

  I worried occasionally about my family, but I also knew I had to live my life. And that just went back to the blink of an eye thing. If I blinked, I was scared it would be over, so I went head first over the bars into what I lo
ved. Parker. He helped me realize so much about myself and what I wanted out of life that I cherished the gift he provided me all those years, his friendship, his love, and his support. I went back to school and got my degree for massage therapy. It was beneficial for a husband that raced dirt bikes and helped him with his recovery. He was more than happy to let me practice my skills on him.

  Racing in the AMA took pure unrestricted commitment, and Parker had that. Funny thing about adrenaline sports was the more you won, the more you wanted. Parker had a taste of that victory, and now it was the only flavor he knew.

  Parker once said to me that he waited for an opportunity, and he was overlooked, and then one day the opportunity was there like it had always been there but you didn’t see it.

  I believed that in more ways the one, both with our relationship and now with his racing.

  “It’s going to be fine, promise.” And just like that he calmed me by raising his hand to brush it over my sweaty cheek. He defused my nerves with his shy smile. “Now wish me luck, wife.” Parker leaned over straddling his bike, his body pressed to mine to tuck me under his arm, a place I felt completely comfortable.

  My hands found their way around his broad shoulders and to his KTM jersey. “Good luck, husband.”

  He grinned, adjusting his goggles, when Justin patted Parker’s back. “Time to go, bud.”

  Bryce gave him a fist bump. “Remember, uncle Parker, wide open and big air. That’s what I like to see.” Bryce loved the fact that his uncle raced dirt bikes.

  Parker gave Justin a nod, gave his nephew a fist bump, and then looked at me again. “Come here, wife, give me a kiss.” He gestured to his helmet I had kissed for the last twenty-nine rounds.

  Parker’s riding had changed since I first watched him in Anaheim. Now he was more aggressive, predictable at times, but also more humble. He was grateful for just being here. There were times his confidence was shaky, being with a new team an all, but he was proving himself and doing a damn good job at it.

  During the race, I knew Parker’s neck was bothering him and the arm pump was killing him, but he held on. He had a terrible jump off the gate but made up for it in the whoops wheeling through them on the back tire and scrubbing jumps, two moves Parker “Pitbull” O’Neil was notorious for.